> APRIL 2002

April 30, 2002
Now That's More Like It

The Dodgers showed on Tuesday what they're really capable of doing: nothing. Leaving shitloads of guys on base and fucking up basic sacrifices, the Dodgers lost to the Reds, 3-1. Paul Lo Duca's double-play grounder with the bases loaded and nobody out in the 5th gave the Dodgers their only run. Kevin Brown returned from the DL, immediately giving up a two-run home run in the first inning, but settled down to pitch five decent innings. Giovanni Carrara hit two batters and gave up a run in the 9th, although if Shawn Green wasn't playing Wilton Guerrero on the fucking warning track, the run wouldn't have scored. In going 1-4, by the way, Green actually raised his putrid average to .237.

April 28, 2002
Dodgers Win Double-Header, Sweep Cubs

Behind strong outings by Kazuhisa Ishii and Andy Ashby, the Dodgers beat the Cubs twice on Sunday, sweeping a series in Chicago for the first time in four years. Ishii's win was his fifth, striking out eight and allowing only a run in seven innings. Ashby did even better, limiting the Cubs to just a hit (fuckin' Corey Patterson again) in eight scoreless innings. Eric Gagne, who picked up a save in game one, became the first Dodger ever to save nine games in April. Dan Evans will probably take credit for the early success of the Dodgers' pitching staff—and some may give it to him—but frankly we think it's luck. Either way, the Dodgers are 16-9, and are tied for first with Arizona. No thanks to Paul Quantrill-Trombley, however, who couldn't hang on to a shutout in the 9th inning of game two. Dick.

April 26, 2002
Perez Doesn't Suck

A friggin' bad-hop infield single. That's all that stood between Odalis Perez and perfection Friday afternoon in Chicago. Perez faced the minimum 27 batters, giving up just that one hit, and the Dodgers beat the Cubs, 10-0. Less than a week after winning the National League Player of the Week award, Perez did his best to show it wasn't a fluke. He's now 3-1 with a 1.64 ERA. And to top it off, he's pretty damn well spoken for a guy who grew up in the Dominican. It kills us to say positive things, but we've got no choice here.

April 23, 2002
Ishii Rocked but Wins His Fourth

Kazuhisa Ishii was pitching fine until... well, until the second inning. Ishii allowed nine consecutive Pirate batters to reach base in the second, but finally made it out of the inning—down 6-3. The Dodgers came back, however, and beat the Pirates 9-6, with Ishii moving to 4-0 for the season. Eric Gagne, who has apparently found his niche, picked up his 8th save. And more importantly, Terry Mulholland didn't pitch.

April 21, 2002
A Special Day for the Old Farts

On a day when Jesse Orosco turned 100, the Dodgers' other over-the-hill lefty celebrated by giving up 2 home runs in an inning. Terry Mulholland entered in the 7th, with the Dodgers ahead 2-0, and immediately gave up homers to Trenidad Hubbard and Phil Nevin. Hubbard, barely tall enough to be considered an adult, hadn't hit a home run in almost 3 years. Mulholland, who turns 68 in August, has now given up 7 home runs in 7 innings this year. It really didn't matter, though, as the Dodgers managed only 3 hits and struck out 13 times. Go figure, considering Jim Tracy sat Lo Duca, Grudzielanek, and Jordan. Apparently Tracy felt a three-game winning streak needed to be fucked with. Putz.

April 18, 2002
Power and Pitching Beats Padres

Home runs by Mark Grudzielennkefeink and Adrian Beltre—a shot deep into the Dodger bullpen— and 6 1/3 strong innings from Omar Daal were enough to beat the Padres, 5-2. Daal, making the start for Kevin Brown, struck out eight and allowed only three hits. Fielding errors by Cesar Izturis led to both the Padres runs, conjuring up images of Jose Offerman. Dodger pitchers were able to work out of the jams, however, and Eric Goatee picked up his 6th save. Let's hope, though, that the Dodgers' 2-game winning streak will soon come to an end so that we have something worthwhile to talk about.

April 17, 2002
Hold the F'ing Presses: Kreuter Knocks in a Run

Despite leaving 11 guys on base, the Dodgers beat the Rockies 6-3, and Chad Kreuter made contact. Giving LoDuca the day off, Kreuter had a sacrifice fly in the 7th, knocking in his first run of the year and putting the Dodgers ahead 4-3. Dave Hansen followed with a pinch-hit double, scoring Beltre and Karros, and the Dodgers went on to pick up the win. Kazuwhatever Ishii allowed 3 runs in six innings, moving to 3-0 on the season, and Eric Gagne easily picked up his 5th save.

April 16, 2002
Mulholland Almost Cuts His ERA in Half

On course to capture the Cy Young award, Terry Mullholland pitched two scoreless innings in Colorado on Tuesday night, trimming his ERA from 21.21 to a healthy 14.84. Before you know it, Mulholland's era will be in the low 9's. This was Mulholland's first appearance of 2002 in which he didn't give up a home run, and the fact that it was in Colorado means Terry probably popped open a bottle of champagne after the game. (Besides, he needs something to help all those pills go down.) Oh yeah, the Dodgers lost 6-4.

April 15, 2002
Odalis Sparkles in ODenver

Even though Vin Scully wrote him off after just about every inning past the 6th, Odalis Perez went the distance, notching his first major league complete game and beating the Rockies 5-2. The Dodgers scored five in the first—courtesy of a Colorado error that extended the inning—but didn't do much after that. And holy shit, Shawn Green hit three meek grounders to the right side. So unusual. One final item of note: Eric Gagne's goatee. Someone needs to tell him that that pubic mess on his chin isn't cute. It's not even intimidating. It's just plain gross, and it may attract rodants.

April 14, 2002
Dodger Bats Quieter than Nomo

Hideo Nomo allowed only one run over 6 2/3 innings, but the Dodgers managed only five hits and were shut out by the Padres, 1-0. The Dodgers went 0 for 6 with runners in scoring position, and had the bases loaded with nobody out in the 5th, but failed to score. With no score in the bottom of the 7th, two outs, and a guy on second, Jim Colburn went to the mound to talk with Nomo. "This is your game," he said. Well, too bad he didn't say "Don't throw a fucking fastball over the plate with an 0-2 count" because that's exactly what Nomo did. Brilliant. Straight out of the Mike Trombley Guide to Pitching. The Dodgers are now at .500, a place they'll become very familiar with over the next few months.

April 13, 2002
Once a Monster, now a Pansy

Kevin Brown once dominated. He was ferocious. He was intense. He scared opposing hitters, and sometimes scared his own teammates. And he never spent time on the DL. Then he signed with the Dodgers.

Now he's soft, unpredictable, and constantly injured. Maybe it's got something to do with his age, but 37 or not, he's got $60 million left on his contract and better fucking step it up. After throwing 2 mediocre innings on Saturday against the Padres, Brown left the game with a re-injured pitching elbow. In came the "relief." Terry Mulholland immediately gave up two bombs (making it a total of five in just four innings this year), and Paul Quantrill-Trombley later allowed two runs, giving the Padres the lead and the eventual victory.

April 12, 2002
Ishii Beats Padres' AA Team

Facing a lineup that included such feared hitters as Ramon Vazquez, D'Angelo Jimenez, Javier Cardona, Deivi Cruz, and Trenidad Hubbard, Kazuhisa Ishii allowed two hits over six innings and picked up his second major league win. Giovanni Carrara and Eric Gagne combined to throw three hitless innings in relief, and the Dodgers shut out the Padres, 3-0. Still, the Dodgers managed to hit into four double-plays, bringing the season total to about 140. Also, it appears that Dave Roberts doesn't speak english, as both Brian Jordan and Shawn Green came within inches of colliding with him on the last two plays of the game. To be fair to Roberts, however, it's possible that Green was yelling in Hebrew.

April 11, 2002
Dodgers Take 2 of 3 from Giants

A day after Hiram Bocachica's mental lapse (or ignorance, you choose) possibly cost the Dodgers a victory, his 8th inning home run on Thursday gave the Dodgers a one-run lead, and they went on to win 4-3. Down 2-1 in the 8th, Grudzielanek (new braces and all) and Bocachica went back-to-back over the left field wall, triggering a rally that saw the Dodgers go ahead 4-2. Paul Quantrill-Trombley did his best to immediately blow the lead, giving up a run in the 8th, but Eric Gagne pitched a scoreless ninth and picked up his third save—despite a hit, walk, wild pitch, and pass ball.

April 10, 2002
Tim Timmons, F You

While the Dodgers certainly didn't deserve to win Wednesday night, second base umpire Tim Timmons didn't help the cause. As the Dodgers tied the game on a ninth inning grounder to short, Timmons called Adrian Beltre out at second. Replay clearly showed that Beltre beat the throw, by, oh, maybe 2 seconds. Apparently Timmons' head was up his ass, chewing on his sphincter. Paul LoDuca's fly ball later in the inning would have given the Dodgers the lead had Beltre not been fucked at second. Instead, the Dodgers settled for one, and Barry Bonds' double in the bottom of the inning gave the Giants the win. The Dodgers screwed themselves twice during the game, however, and can really blame themselves (even though they'll direct blame on Timmons, like we're doing). Bocachica failed to score from second on a Beltre double in the 6th, and Grudzielanek failed to lay down a bunt with two on and nobody out in the ninth. Shitty game.

April 9, 2002
Dodgers Put An End to Giants' Streak

Shawn Green hit his first home run of the year, and Hideo Nomo got his shit together and pitched 8 shutout innings, as the Dodgers beat the Giants, 3-0. The Giants had yet to lose a game, and their starters had a 0.83 ERA until Tuesday. Perhaps the greatest moment of the game came in the 8th, Barry Bonds facing Jesse Orosco with the trying runs on base and two out. With 30,000 cocky Giant fans on their feet, crusty Orosco got Bonds to ground out. Hopefully Dusty Baker choked on his toothpick.

April 7, 2002
Despite Relief Breakdown, Dodgers Beat Rockies

Kevin Brown's three hits, including his second career home run, and seven shutout innings led the Dodgers to a 6-4 win over the Rockies, completing a series sweep. Paul Quantrill and Jesse Orosco did their best to ruin Brown's performance, allowing 4 runs in the 8th inning, but the Dodgers held on to win, Eric Gagne's goatee picking up its first major league save. The Dodgers are now at .500, but if history proves correct, they'll struggle for the next two months to get above that.

April 6, 2002
Ishii Silences Critics— Especially Us

Surprising just about everyone, including his teammates, Kazuhisa Ishii struck out 10 and gave up only 2 runs in his 5 2/3 inning Dodger debut. After having a hideous spring, most people in baseball expected Ishii to continue to struggle into the regular season. While one good start is a far cry from prolonged success, it's an impressive start. OK, that's enough praise. Far too much actually. What can we find to pick on? Well, Shawn Green went 0-4, leaving 6 guys on base. And on that note...

April 5, 2002
Dodgers Finally Get Their Shit Together

Busting out of the funk they had been in since opening day, the Dodgers beat up on the Rockies Friday night, 9-0. Andy Ashby, making his first regular season start since arm surgery put him on the shelf last April, allowed only a hit, pitching 7 scoreless innings. Eric Karros, trying to prove he's not as washed up as the rest of the world thinks, had 3 hits including a 3-run homer in the second inning. Even more amazing, Karros tagged up on a fly to center AND later scored on a squeeze. The Dodgers did, however, manage to put a damper on things by blasting "Who Let the Dogs Out" after Karros' home run. Thankfully the Dodgers missed the boat on that song last year, but unfortunately someone has decided to make up for lost time.

April 4, 2002
Offense Has Gone the Way of Tim Crews

After managing only three hits Thursday night, and a total of nine the previous two nights, the Dodgers offense was pronounced dead at approximately 9:59 pm. The Dodgers have not scored a run since the third inning of opening day—a run scored on a double-play ground out—and have now been shut out two consecutive nights. Opposing pitchers, however, continue to feast. Giants starter Ryan Jensen singled twice, following Russ Ortiz' home run on Wednesday and Livan Hernandez's two hits on Tuesday. Meanwhile, the Dodgers look like a bunch of little girls playing patty cake. Oh, and Gary Sheffield has three home runs now. It's all so surprising.

April 3, 2002
A Fucking Embarassment

Every time the Dodgers reach a new low, they find a way to dip lower. A day after getting blown out 9-2 on opening day, the Dodgers were embarrassed by the Giants again, this time losing 12-0. In his not-so-long-awaited return to Dodger Stadium, Hideo Nomo lasted just 3 innings, walking six, and giving up 4 runs—three on a mammoth shot by Barry Bonds in the first inning. Bonds homered again in the fourth off of Terry Mulholland, who pretty much took it in the ass for two innings. In an attempt to belittle Bonds' accomplishments, however, Mullholland kindly decided to let Russ Ortiz in on the action, serving up a gopher ball to the Giants pitcher in the fourth inning. Ortiz now has more RBIs than the Dodger team. Beautiful.

April 2, 2002
Dodgers Open the Season, Brown Opens the Floodgates

The Dodgers wasted no time giving fans a glimspe of what lies ahead this season. Opening their 40th season at Dodger Stadium, the Dodgers rolled over and died like the corpses they are, losing to the Giants, 9-2. Starter Kevin Brown gave up 7 runs on 9 hits in just 4 innings, the big blow coming on Barry Bonds' first home run of the season, a 3-run shot in the second inning. Brown, with the grey hairs in his goatee ever-so-prominent, walked one, hit a batter, and gave up two hits to fat Livan Hernandez, the opposing pitcher. Dodger bats didn't fare much better, managing just five hits. Ahhhhh... baseball season.