|
> APRIL 2003 April
29, 2003
April
27, 2003
April
25, 2003
April
24, 2003
April
23, 2003
April
22, 2003
April
20, 2003
April
19, 2003
April
18, 2003
April
17, 2003
April
15, 2003
April
13, 2003
April
12, 2003
April
10, 2003
April
9, 2003
April
7, 2003
April
6, 2003
April
5, 2003
April
3, 2003
April
1, 2003
|
The
Dodgers won on Tuesday, and because there's no one in particular
to bash, we're going to do the unthinkable: criticize Vin Scully.
Yes, we'll probably go to hell, but we pretty much sealed that fate
some time ago. So here goes. Vinny, for the love of God, PLEASE
GIVE THE USELESS PLAYER BIOS A REST. Sure, maybe it's interesting
to know that Rheal Cormier grew up in Canada. But do we honestly
need to know that he wore the same pair of underpants for weeks
at a time, shared a bed with seven brothers and sisters, occasionally
had diarrhea, had a friend who owned rare lizards, and had a mother
who wrote Brazilian poetry? Fine, he didn't exactly say all those
things, but he might as well have. Suddenly, Vinny is out of control.
God bless him, but this has to stop. He's got a 10-minute story
about every opposing player. It's one thing if the stories are baseball-related,
but there's just no need to hear about the paper route of someone's
childhood best friend. Why is he suddenly obsessed with this? Three
possible reasons: (1) Personal information is now more readily available
than it has been in the past, (2) the Dodgers mediocrity isn't interesting
enough, or (3) he's just senile. Whatever the answer, it's begining
to get annoying. OK, we've got to pack our bags for hell now.
Yeah,
the Dodgers swept the Pirates. But Hideo Nomo's sideburns are still
the story. Was that Nomo pitching for the Dodgers on Saturday, or
Elvis? Or Chewbacca? A few more weeks, and those sideburns will
be blocking his eyes. And the rest of the infield. Which begs the
question: Did the Dodger barber die? Nomo's sideburns are outrageous.
Ishii looks like he hasn't had a cut in years. And Eric Gagne looks
like a clown from hell. (Although the clown thing seems to be working
for Gagne.) As for the series against the Pirates, just more evidence
as to why Mike Kinkade should be in the Dodger lineup permanently.
He sparked Friday's 9th inning rally with a base hit, and provided
the punch the Dodgers needed on Sunday, hitting an eighth inning
home run and making a circus catch in left. Sure, he's not going
to have a game like that every day, but every day the guy will hustle,
get dirty, and play the game right. Unfortunately the Dodgers are
paying Fred McWhiff $3.7 million to reach 500 home runs, a milestone
no one really gives a shit about. If Jim Tracy had balls, he'd let
McGriff collect dust on the bench, but he's too busy answering his
own interview questions. "Am I a great manager? Yes. Do I still
look like David Letterman even though I no longer wear glasses?
Yes."
The
Dodgers are an exciting team. For an inning at a time. Every two
weeks. Their exciting inning for late April came Friday night in
Pittsburgh, as the Dodgers scored five in the ninth to beat the
Pirates, 5-2. The Dodgers look utterly helpless for the first eight
innings, and were two outs away from being shut out for the second
time in three days. Then it happened. The impossible happened: McGriff,
Lo Duca, Beltre, Cora, and Hundley all got hits in the same inning.
It would have been freaky enough if those guys just got hits in
the same game, let alone the same inning. While this
victory will surely turn around the Dodgers season, the team was
hit with some terrible news earlier in the day: Paul Shuey was placed
on the DL with a sprained ankle. Holy christ, they're fucked.
Facing
the major league's worst pitching staff, the Dodgers showed why
they have the major league's worst offense. In the 3-game series
against the Reds, the Dodgers scored a total of 4 runs. (Ron Coomer,
however, constantly had the runs.) For Thursday's series finale,
the Dodgers stranded thirteen runners—nine in scoring position.
Really, though, the term "scoring position" doesn't seem
to have much meaning for the Dodgers. Why should it? A Dodger on
third base is certainly in no position to score when the guy at
the plate is Adrian Beltre. Or Fred McGriff. Or Cesar Izturis. Or
Paul LoDuca. You can substitute whatever name you like. While a
shitty call in the bottom of the seventh inning went against the
Dodgers, you can't blame the umpire for a team that's hitting a
collective .245 with a measly 13 home runs. If it weren't for the
pitching staff—with the exception of Andy Ashby—the Dodgers
would be 20 games out. Kevin Brown had his best game in a year,
striking out 11, but the Dodgers wasted his effort, losing in 11
innings. It's time for someone to physically beat the shit out of
this team. Load them onto the team bus, where they can't escape,
and then hit them with large metal flashlights. Don't fuck up their
throwing arms, or their legs... just hit them in the face. Lightly
at first, and then a little harder. Once they're begging for their
lives, squeeze taco sauce in their eyes. Spicy taco sauce. Thank
you. 
After
being benched for four of the Dodgers past seven games, Adrian Beltre
was in the starting lineup Wednesday in Cincinnati. Maybe it's a
sign that the Dodgers are going to give him another chance. Maybe
Jim Tracy just wanted to give Fatty Coomer a day off. Or maybe they're
hoping Beltre could put together a couple good games and boost his
trade value. After going 0-4 and grounding into two double plays,
however, the only thing the Dodgers could get in exchange for Beltre
may be a pair of John Franco's underpants. If a Beltre trade is
in fact in the Dodgers' plans, making it obvious that they've given
up on him probably isn't the best strategy. But leave it to the
Dodger management to erode a guy's trade value while he's on the
block. Not that Beltre hasn't done enough to erode it himself, batting
.190. The Beltre situation aside, the Dodgers looked typically sad
on Wednesday, getting shut out by the Reds, 3-0. And, once again,
a former Dodger figured prominently. Juan Castro—who hit the
ball out of the infield maybe twice during the five seasons he was
with L.A—homered off of Darren Dreifort in the third inning.
From
his behavior over the last year or so, it's a good bet that Guillermo
Mota could give Pedro Guerrero a run for his money in the I.Q. department.
Hell, Ron Coomer's batting gloves have more brains than Guillermo
Mota. Almost exactly a month after being scared shitless by Mike
Piazza and cowardly running away, Mota has been arrested on DUI
charges. Mota was pulled over in Glendale early Monday morning,
and taken to the Glendale police station for a breath test. Mota
reportedly tried to backpeddle out of the police station, but was
unsuccessful. Look, it's obvious that this guy is just a fucking
idiot. Yes, he's got talent. But his talent is outweighed by his
sheer stupidity, and there's no place in the Dodger organization
for that... except maybe in the front office. It's time to let him
go. Sure, he'll probably get picked up by another team in the NL,
and burn the Dodgers at some point, but this piece of garbage should
not be wearing a Dodger uniform.
Jolbert
Cabrera, who had a total of three home runs in his career prior
to this weekend, hit his second home run in as many days, and the
Dodgers beat the living shit out of the Giants, 16-4. Fred McGriff
and Shawn Green finally came to life, each going 4-for-5, as the
Dodgers actually managed to string together some clutch hits. Hideo
Nomo picked up his 100th career win, and Eric Gagne finished the
game, pitching a nerve-racking 9th inning. But the real story is
Jolbert Cabrera. Obviously he slipped into the San Francisco clubhouse
on Friday, and made off with some goodies from Barry Bonds' locker.
Instant power. Two years ago, he was shot in the ass. Now, it's
a shot in the veins that we're talking about. The guy is unstoppable.
He'll hit 35 this year, no doubt about it. Soon he'll have a huge
banner draping the side of the stadium, and next April there'll
be Jolbert Cabrera bobble-head night. He'll be on the cover of Sports
Illustrated, and 16-year-old girls will flock to the souvenir stands
for Jolbert Cabrera jerseys. Fans will chant "Jolllllllllby,
Jolllllllby" while opposing players will put on the Cabrera
shift. Jolby-mania.
Three
weeks into the season, the Dodgers are 8 1/2 games out of first.
Could things turn around? For some teams, yes. For the Dodgers,
don't count on it. If they weren't playing up to their potential—if
this just looked like a temporary funk—then of course there'd
be room hope. But the fact is, they're playing at the best of their
ability. Hope is just something stupid Dodger fans talk about. And
since we're obviously geniuses, hope is not in our vocabulary. Actually,
that's not true, there is one thing we hope for: Andy Ashby not
being part of our vocabulary. Assby went 4 innings on Saturday,
giving up 7 earned runs to the Giants. Making an emergency start
in place of Odalis Perez, Assby looked no better than he had in
a few relief appearances this season. He wasn't alone in his lousiness,
however. Shawn Green grounded into two double-plays, and Fred McGriff
struck out twice. And in what could be a sign that his days with
the Dodgers are numbered, Adrian Beltre was lifted during a 5th
inning double-switch. Ron Coomer, whose .077 average is just higher
than his age, replaced Beltre. Ah, yes, the deeper bench.
Thursday's
come-from-behind vicotry over the Padres may have fooled some people
into thinking the Dodgers were about to turn it around. On Friday,
however, the Dodgers kindly reminded us of why they'll be out of
the race in a matter of months, probably sooner. Making three errors
and getting just one hit after the second inning, the Dodgers fell
to San Francisco, 5-1. All five runs were charged to Kevin Brown,
who didn't make it past the fifth inning. And, for the second time
in a week, Marquis Grissom burned the Dodgers with a home run. After
the game, Todd Hundley commented that the Dodgers are a great team
on paper, but they're just not playing well on the field. It's unclear
what 'paper' Todd was referring to, but odds are it's of the toilet
variety.
Going
into Thursday's game against the Padres, Dodger pinch hitters had
gone hitless in 20 at-bats. Then came the 8th inning, a breakthrough
that's surely to send the Dodgers to the World Series. After Daryle
Ward's 2-out pinch-hit single got the Dodgers on the board, Todd
Hundley followed with a Gibson-esque home run into the right field
bleachers, giving the Dodgers an eventual 4-3 victory. Oh, calm
down—no one is saying a 3-run home run against the Padres in
the 3rd week of the season has the beauty and significance of Gibson's
home run. They were simply similar in form, nothing else. Both pinch-hits.
Both left-handed batters reaching over the plate. Both balls ended
up in the right field bleachers (although the seats were empty tonight).
And Vin Scully even gave Hundley's shot a "She iiiiiisssss
gone!" Definitely a few minutes of excitement, but let's not
get carried away. The Dodgers looked like shit for the first seven
innings, and one good swing doesn't mean they're suddenly in contention.
The Dodgers have won two in a row, but the big test comes this weekend
when they Halloween-colored team. Ashby starts on Saturday, so the
best they could do is 2 out of 3. However, they're the Dodgers,
so really the best they could do is 1 of 3. Which pretty much means
they'll get swept. Enjoy.
Sad.
Pathetic. Embarassing. There are probably hundreds of adjectives
(or at least five) to describe the first few weeks of the Dodgers
season. Shitty is another one that comes to mind. Typical. Expected.
Douchebags. Wait, that's not an adjective. (That's probably news
to you fans who sit in the bleachers.) Well, rather than give a
lesson in grammar, let's bash those who are deserving, shall we?
Where the fuck do we start today? Jolbert Cabrera's 6th inning baserunning
blunder was a beauty. To be fair, though, he's really only been
on base a few times in his life, so he should be cut some slack.
Daryle Ward, on the other hand, gets no slack. Twinkies, yes. Slack,
no. Down by a run, Ward left the bases loaded in the eighth, meekly
grounding to first. Shawn Green, obviously still feeling the after-effects
from slamming into the wall at Pac Bell, stranded about 15 runners
Tuesday. Then, with the tying run on second in the ninth, Green
broke his bat and hit a harmless pop-up to Padres catcher Gary Bennett.
(Walking back to the dugout holding the handle of his shattered
bat, Green seemed close to tears.) Brian Jordan followed with a
quality at-bat of his own, popping out in foul ground, and that
was that. Padres 3, Dodgers 2.
Some
amazing things happened on Sunday in San Francisco. Daryle Ward
got his first hit as a Dodger, driving in two runs. The Dodgers
got 14 hits. And, believe it or not, Paul Shuey pitched a scoreless
inning and two-thirds. Of course there were some not-so-amazing
things as well. Fred McGriff struck out as a pinch hitter. (Really?)
The Dodgers played 12 innings, but didn't score after the fifth.
(Are you kidding?) Cesar Izturis failed to get a crucial bunt down
in the 11th with two on and nobody out. (God, that never happens.)
Shawn Green played Marvin Benard's 12th inning fly ball like he
was moving through water. (Does he have a problem with his joints?)
Marquis Grissom scored the winning run. (Shocking.) And Andy Ashby
took the loss. (Again.) So, the Dodgers are a game out of last place.
But hey, it's just April. Note to piece of shit Giants fans: don't
get too cocky. After all, the goddamn Padres came within a couple
innings of handing the Dodgers a 4-game sweep last weekend. Note
to Dodger fans: just stop caring. The Dodgers themselves don't care,
why should you?
If
the Dodgers had any fire this year, the rain in San Francisco would
have put it out. However, they have no fire. Not even a spark. Regardless,
Mother Nature is doing her best to help. With the Giants hot and
the Dodgers not, a day off can only help Los Angeles. Well, at least
you'd think so. That is, until the likely news that Brian Jordan
slipped in a puddle and injured his back. And that Adrian Beltre
has a cold. And that Cesar Izturis fell into a storm drain. And
that Andy Ashby got a paper cut playing cards in the clubhouse.
If the Dodgers could be so lucky as to get rained out for another
150 games, they might actually have a shot at finishing in 3rd place.
It's
really too bad that the hockey game blocked out only 5 innings
of the Dodgers/Giants game Thursday night on Fox Sports Net 2. If
only the hockey game had gone into about 2 or 3 more overtimes,
we wouldn't have had to witness the Dodgers' pathetic 2-1 loss to
the Giants. We wouldn't have had to see Marquis Grissom hit his
first home run of the season, shockingly off the Dodgers. We wouldn't
have had to see Hideo Nomo's sideburns growing by the minute. We
wouldn't have had to watch Shawn Green fail to beat out a grounder
that practically made it into centerfield. We wouldn't have had
to watch the Dodgers get just six hits, half of them by Paul Lo
Duca. We wouldn't have had to watch Daryle Ward hit like Daryle
Ward. We wouldn't have had to watch Kurt Ainsworth pitch like he
was Greg Maddux. (Well, the old Greg Maddux.) If not for
a wild pitch, the Dodgers wouldn't have scored. But if not for games
like this, there'd be no Dodger Blues. Fucking cable cars.
Just
a couple days after seemingly half the team complained about being
physically exhuasted only a week into the season, the Dodgers won
their second in a row against Arizona, holding off the Diamondbacks,
5-2. Evidently they managed to catch up on some sleep the last couple
nights. Poor guys, having to travel all the way from L.A. to Arizona
to San Diego and back to L.A over the course of a week. Unless they
were forced to ride in a Ford Aerostar the whole way, what the F
is the problem? Apparently exhuastion was the best excuse they could
come up with for a shitty series in San Diego. After losing Monday's
game to Arizona, the Dodgers have now won two straight and are back
at .500—a place they should become very comfortable with this
season. Darren Dreifort picked up his first victory in 22 months,
and Shawn Green snapped out of his funk—at least temporarily—hitting
one out and knocking in three. Fred McGriff got the day off, but
somehow still managed to strike out seven times.
After
six plus strong innings by Kevin Brown, three of five Dodger relievers
gave up runs, and the Dodgers lost in 12 innings, 6-4. Brown left
with a 3-1 lead, and just an inning later, the score was tied, Guillermo
Mota and Paul Shuey's friend being the culprits. The Diamondbacks
took a 4-3 lead in the top of the 10th, but the Dodgers tied it
with two outs in the bottom of the 10th, teasing the few thousand
fans (out of 54,000) who actually hung around. Two innings later,
however, Andy Ashby grooved one to Arizona rookie Lyle Overbay,
and that was that. Oh, and Craig-fuckin'-Counsell, looking ever
more like a rodent, had three hits. Someone needs to set a rat trap
near his locker, drop down a few cheese cubes, and, well, let nature
takes its course.
The
Dodgers did their best on Sunday to give the Padres their first
4-game sweep in San Diego since 1982. Fortunately—or maybe
unfortunately—their best wasn't good enough, as the Dodgers
came away with a 4-3 victory in 13 innings. After looking meek for
the first three games of the series, the Dodgers got on the board
first Sunday, scoring three runs in the second inning. Apparently
content with those three, they managed just one baserunner until
the tenth. Meanwhile, the Dodgers defense broke down. Errors by
Beltre and McGriff, and a poor play by Roberts gave the Padres the
breaks they needed to eventually tie the game. Of course, a bases
loaded walk by Paul Shuey didn't hurt either. The Dodgers scored
the winning run on a Brian Jordan ground ball in the 13th, but blew
a huge chance three innings earlier. With runners on first and second
and nobody out in the 10th, Jolbert Cabrera failed to get the bunt
down, instead popping up to the pitcher. The 11th inning was fun,
too, watching Jesse Orosco strike out Shawn Green (surprise) and
Jason Romano take three pitches right down the middle. Eric Gagne,
who had only made one appearance this season, thew 2 innings. Since
he hasn't been pitching much, Gagne has apparently turned his attention
to eating whole cows. Jesus, he's fat.
Nothing
against Dave Hansen. He's a terrific pinch-hitter, and a quality
guy. But when Dave Hansen is hitting cleanup, and you're facing
his team, you'd better win. Instead, the Dodgers looked lethargic
once again, losing 4-2 to the Padres and Clay Condrey, a guy who
a couple years ago was pitching in a beer league in rural Texas
(which, incidentally, is where Paul Quantrill should be pitching).
Darren Dreifort's return was unspectacular, but a success if you
consider that he threw six innings and his arm is still attached
to his torso. Dreifort struck out six while allowing three runs,
one on a worthless balk. The Dodgers are now 2-3 on the season,
and have been completely humbled by the hapless Padres. Of greater
concern, however, is Vin Scully's sudden hard-on for Padres' utility
player Lou Merloni. In Arizona, Vinny fell in love with Miguel Batista
and his poetry. Now, in San Diego, it's Merloni. But it's understandable.
It's just Vinny's way of distracting himself from the impending
disaster that is the 2003 Dodgers. On an un-related note, that thing
on Brandon Villafuerte's chin makes Eric Gagne's goatee look like
peach fuzz.
Win
one. Lose one. Win one. Lose one. Get four runs in the eighth off
of Curt Schilling. Get one hit off of Jake Peavy. Without a doubt,
the Dodgers' schizophrenia has begun anew. They're a solid ballclub.
No, wait, they suck. No, they just beat Arizona two out of three.
Wait, they just lost to the AAA Padres. Four games into the season,
and it's already clear that the Dodgers are just like that girl
who gets you excited, pulls down your pants, and then just as you
close your eyes and await the moment, she kicks you in the fucking
nuts. And then bangs your best friend. On your bed. Three times.
Not the prettiest analogy, but neither was the Dodgers' 6-1 loss
to the Padres on Thursday. The Padres had yet to win a game this
season, but that's just because they hadn't faced the Dodgers yet.
Enter Jake Peavy, who had won a total of seven major league games
before this season. Now enter the Dodgers, who might as well have
gone up to the plate without bats. Fred McGriff, who may reach 500
strikeouts this season before he hits his 500th career home run,
struck out four times, three against Peavy, who notched a career-high
11 strikeouts. Padres pitchers struck out sixteen Dodgers and allowed
just two hits. Meanwhile, Kaz Ishii's metal plate is loose.
With
Daryle Ward doing his best Bill Buckner imitation, and Paul Shuey
doing his best Paul Shuey imitation, the Diamondbacks beat the Dodgers
in 10 innings Tuesday, 5-4. After being thoroughly humbled by Curt
Schilling for 7 innings, the Dodgers broke through in the 8th, sparked
by a Dave Roberts 3-run homer. They tied the score later in the
inning, and the game stayed tied until the 10th. Enter Shuey. With
one out, Mark Grace doubled, and then Ward watched an easy ground
ball go between his legs. Only Alex Cora's hustle kept pinch-runner
Quinton McCracken from scoring. (Cora bailed out Dodger reliever
Tom Martin an inning earlier, making two great plays on grounders
up the middle.) Two batters later, Arizona won the game on a Junior
Spivey base hit. Lest anyone believe that the Opening Day Dodgers
are for real. These are the Dodgers we know. Look like shit
for most of the game. Tease the fans by tying the score in the late
innings. Then blow the game in an extra frame. Just a little closer
to elimination.