> AUGUST 2005

There's no denying that Derek Lowe pitched a great game on Wednesday afternoon in Chicago. He struck out seven, walked two, and gave up just a single hit—an infield nubber to open the game. It was Lowe's best game as a Dodger, and his second consecutive quality start. But it was just that—his second consecutive quality start. Yet, apparently it's enough to get the Dodgers talking about how pitching coach Jim Colborn is God for having moved Lowe to the other side of the pitching rubber. First of all, it's a tad early to declare that Lowe's problems are over and he's suddenly worth the $36 million he's being paid. Second of all, if the 20-inch rubber adjustment is really what's helping Lowe, big deal—that's Colborn's job. And third of all, if Jim Colborn is God, shouldn't he be spending a little less time with Dodger pitchers and a little bit more time making sure that looters in New Orleans contract gonorrhea? (Speaking of which, to make a donation, visit redcross.org. Tell 'em Oscar Robles sent you.)

In other Dodger news, Tommy Lasorda has apparently been opening his fat trap lately—and not just to swallow cheese ravioli. According to Ken Rosenthal, Lasorda is trashing GM Paul DePodesta to anyone who'll listen. Interesting, we figured that when you trade Paul Konerko for Jeff Shaw that you're no longer allowed to criticize any other general manager—or anyone else for that matter. Ever. Not the gardener who accidentally breaks your sprinkler with his lawn mower, not the busboy who accidentally spills water on your crotch, not your senile neighbor who runs over your daughter's cat. If you're Tommy Lasorda, you've got absolutely no right to criticize anyone. Fat boy thinks he's God. Little does he know that title belongs to Jim Colborn.

August 30, 2005 - Cubs 6, Dodgers 3
Bradley still making headlines (like this one)

We love Milton Bradley. Like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter, Bradley apparently stashed away a few off-the-field incidents to keep us entertained while he sits out the rest of the season. The Daily Breeze of Torrance revealed on Tuesday that police were summoned to Bradley's home three times in the past two months on domestic violence calls. Apparently Jeff Kent isn't the only one who Bradley doesn't get along with. It's really too bad that Milton's career in Los Angeles is over—he's just the kind of guy who people in L.A. can identify with. Domestic problems, anger management problems, problems with authority... maybe even problems with his bowels. When Dodger fans cheered Bradley, it wasn't because of his passion—it was because he's a mess. And don't think for a minute that Tuesday's revelations are the last we'll hear of Milton this season. He's definitely got a few more skeletons in his closet—one, in fact, of a girl who he accidentally ran over a few weeks ago.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers' thee-game winning streak ended on Tuesday, dashing hopes that they'd go 26-3 in the final month of the season. Leading 3-1 in the sixth, Brad Penny fell apart, giving up four runs. Henry Blanco, who began his Hall-of-Fame career with the Dodgers in '97, knocked in three runs for the Cubs. We're pretty sure that Blanco has gone entire seasons without knocking in three runs, but that's how it goes for the Dodgers. On a positive note, at least we don't live in Louisiana. (Speaking of which, to donate money, visit redcross.org. Tell 'em Olmedo sent you.)

August 29, 2005 - Dodgers 9, Cubs 5
Ah Christ, they're back to within five

Let's get one thing straight: the Dodgers are as dead as a baby crushed by a refrigerator. The players know it, the owner knows it, and the general manager knows it. Someone, however, doesn't seem to get the idea, because if you look at the standings, there the Dodgers are— 4-1/2 games out of first. We've got three things to say about that. First, don't bother getting a stiffy—they'll be back to seven games in about six hours. Second, the National League West should be banned from the playoffs. And third, the fact that they're still so close makes it even more inexcusable that the Dodgers didn't even make a half-assed attempt to improve the team over the past two months. It's really heartwarming to know that Frank McCourt and Paul DePodesta suddenly recognize the importance of team chemistry, but talk is cheap (which explains why McCourt doesn't shut up). It's nice that the Dodgers are technically still alive, but it would be a hell of a lot nicer if they had a couple guys who gave the team a heartbeat—and gave fans at least a glimmer of hope that a 4-1/2 game deficit could be made up. Instead, the only glimmer we get is from Jason Phillips' goggles.

August 28, 2005 - Dodgers 1, Astros 0
Weaver wins, but who's he dating?

Go figure. The Dodgers lose two of three to miserable Colorado, but manage to win two of three against Andy Pettite, Roy Oswalt, and Roger Clemens. Wearing Brooklyn jerseys on Sunday in hopes that Sandy Koufax would absentmindedly put one on and go to the mound, the Dodgers matched the Astros for seven innings—with nothing. A two-out hit in the bottom of the eighth finally brought across a run, and the Dodgers hung on for a 1-0 win. Jeff Weaver struck out ten and notched his thirteenth win. More importantly, however, who's he dating? While there hasn't been much action on the field for the Dodgers of late, it seems that the pitching staff has been getting plenty of action. Derek Lowe and Fox Sports West reporter Carolyn Hughes are doing dirty things together, and now it appears that Brad Penny (6'-4", 250) is dating actress Alyssa Milano (5'-2", 115), who's definitely no stranger to baseball players. In fact, if you go by the whole STD argument that you've technically had sex with everyone who your partner has had sex with, Brad Penny has nailed Carl Pavano and Barry Zito. Apparently Milano likes players on her mound... er, the mound.

August 26, 2005 - Astros 2, Dodgers 1
Ricky don't use that lumber

As much as anyone following the Dodgers knows that they're as done as a nerd's homework, there's something about a good pitchers' duel that just sucks you in. Andy Pettite and Derek Lowe matched eachother for seven innings on Friday night, each allowing just a run. In the eighth, however, Lowe served one up to Craig Biggio, and that was that. The Dodgers "threatened" in the ninth, putting guys on first and second against Houston closer Brad Lidge, but Ricky Ledee struck out swinging to end the game. (It's more than you can say for Hee Seop Choi, though, who struck out looking to end Wednesday's game.) The Dodgers lone run on Friday came on Olmedo Saenz' thirteenth home run of the season, an opposite field bomb in the seventh inning. Saenz celebrated a few minutes later by shooting a snot rocket onto his finger and then inspecting it as if he was grading a diamond. Good to know that Olmedo's fluids are flowing even if the pennant race excitement isn't.

August 25, 2005 - Rockies 5, Dodgers 4
All milked out, Penny loses

If you're like us, you generally find things to distract you while you're suffering through another Dodger game. You clip your nails, you make phone calls, you fill your eyes with ketchup. Can you imagine having to actually be in the clubhouse day in and day out? It's no wonder a guy like, oh, say Brad Penny, would, oh, bribe a batboy to, oh, say drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. Hey, it's not like everyone can pass the time by sitting in the corner reading motocross magazines. A guy's got to entertain himself, right? Last Sunday, Penny entertained himself by offering a Marlins' batboy $500 to drink a gallon of milk without throwing up. (Making it a little bit more interesting, Milton Bradley offered $500 for the kid to throw up in Jeff Kent's locker.) The batboy—who was later suspended by the humorless Marlins—did drink the milk, but couldn't do it within the hour time limit, so Penny spent the money on cheeseburgers instead. (Rumor has it that Wilson Alvarez once offered a batboy $35 to scrub the enchilada sauce off his belly... but then found out that the batboy was actually Oscar Robles.)

As for Penny, whose weekend also included a metal spike in the foot, Thursday night's start was enough to make a lot of people throw up. Penny went six innings, giving up four walks and three home runs. The Dodgers, meanwhile, had ten hits, five walks and a hit batsman in the first five-plus innings—coming away with only four runs to show for it. They left the bases loaded in the fourth and sixth innings and left two guys on in the fifth. They also saw their fine record drop to a season-low thirteen games below .500. A few more losses and we'll be talking about how many games below .400 they are. (That is, if we're not talking about how they were no-hit in three consecutive games by Andy Pettite, Roy Oswalt, and Roger Clemens.)

August 24, 2005 - Rockies 2, Dodgers 1
UndePENdable again

While the Dodgers' performance on the field Wednesday wasn't funny, hearing this was: in an attempt to get between Jeff Kent and Milton Bradley on Saturday, Brad Penny was spiked in the foot. And Kelly Wunsch throught his fall in the bullpen was ridiculous? On the field Wednesday, DJ Houlton pitched another solid game, leaving with no score after the seventh inning. Unfortunately, Major League baseball games are nine innings, which meant turning to the Dodgers' Jekyll and Hyde bullpen. For Steve Schmoll and Yhency Brazoban, there was nowhere to hyde. The Rockies doubled three times in the eighth, putting up two runs—a third being nixed at the plate on a throw from Jose Cruz (yeah, Jr.). Meanwhile, the Dodgers struggled for seven innings against piece-of-crap starter Byung-Hyun Kim, who for the first time in his career went more than two innings without getting rocked. The Dodgers managed to push across a run in the 8th (and probably would have pushed across two had the Rockies scored three), but left the trying run on second base. That's something Dodger fans have grown very accustomed to witnessing. It figures only to get worse, as Milton Bradley landed on the disabled list on Wednesday. You wouldn't understand, though—you're white.

August 23, 2005 - Dodgers 8, Rockies 3
Bradley shows his hand—and runs his mouth

One thing that's become increasingly clear over the years is that very few people in baseball like Jeff Kent. Another thing that's becoming clear is that Milton Bradley just doesn't know when to zip it. Each time Bradley goes a few months without being in the middle of an incident, you think he's turned a corner. It turns out that he has, only he keeps going around the same block. Three days after getting into a yelling match with Jeff Kent in the Dodgers' clubhouse, Bradley still felt the need to vent on Tuesday afternoon. In fact, he might have vented himself right out of Los Angeles.

This wasn't a bunch of baseballs scattered on the field, this wasn't a plastic bottle hurled at a fan, and this wasn't an arrest for disorderly conduct. Those mistakes pale in comparison—at least in baseball terms—to publicly airing the personal problems you have with a teammate. Among other things, Bradley played the race card on Tuesday, saying that Kent doesn't know how to deal with blacks. Maybe it's true, maybe Bradley is right. Maybe Kent's moustache is as telling as it appears to be. Maybe it doesn't end there. Maybe Kent smells like asparagus. Maybe Kent sleeps with coaches' daughters.

Jeff Kent may very well be an ass. But guess what, Milton? Kent doesn't look like the ass now—you do. Your team is fighting to stay alive in the division, and you're wasting everyone's time by adding tension and distraction to an already questionable clubhouse. You're also all over the goddamn place. You say that the whole thing is a dead issue. Then you launch into a tirade about Kent. You say that some of Kent's "off-the-cuff" comments aren't funny to you. Then you say you don't take offense because everyone jokes about race. Milton, make up your mind. Nazis or Jews? Boxers or briefs? Do you want to be a leader or a problem? You can't have it both ways. That said, we friggin' love this quote: "You can't have your locker in the corner, put your headphones in and sit in the corner reading a motocross magazine." (What if it was Ebony?)

August 22, 2005 - Marlins 5, Dodgers 3
Dodgers lose despite Tracy's team meeting—with himself

Sending a message to Jeff Kent that he's not the manager, Jim Tracy pretended to be one on Monday. Prior to the Dodgers/Marlins game, Tracy called a team meeting in an effort to convince a bunch of guys who've given up that they actually still have a chance. While the Dodgers sat around the clubhouse dreaming of the vacations they'll take with their families come October, Tracy began talking to himself. "Are we many, many games below .500?" Tracy asked. "Simply put, the answer to that question is an answer dependent on how much each of us wants to ask such a question. Are we five games out of first place? I would venture to say that the games we have played competitively are games we have consistently won. Have we played poorly on occasion? I would suggest that those games in which the opposing team has established a number of runs exceeding our total are games in which we have been unable to conclude victorious. Did I lose my personality years ago in a violent collision when I was delivering papers? Absolutely."

Inspiring words, indeed. It might come as a shock, then, that they had no influence whatsoever on the Dodgers, who went out and lost to Florida , 5-2. Edwin Jackson, demoted to a little league team in the Antelope Valley earlier this year, made his first start for the Dodgers, giving up three runs and walking five in 4-1/3 innings. The Dodgers managed just two runs off Dontrelle Willis, and the Marlins' pen was stellar. Guillermo Mota, who had supposedly been struggling, struck out five Dodgers in two innings--a real treat to watch. Meanwhile, Milton Bradley left the game in the first inning, either because of an injured knee or perhaps the sudden desire to eliminate somebody.

August 21, 2005 - Marlins 7, Dodgers 1
Milton vs. the Moustache

During spring training, we posed this Useless Poll question: When Jeff Kent and Milton Bradley get into their first fight of the year, what will it be over?

1. Kent's range - 5%
2. Kent's refusal to cut off throws from right - 11%
3. Kent's moustache - 43%
4. Bradley's mom - 41%

Well, Kent and Bradley finally got into it on Saturday night, heatedly exchanging words in the clubhouse after the game. Neither Kent nor Bradley gave details about the incident, so all we can do is piece together their comments and come up with this blow-by-blow:

JK: Hey Milton, you know that ball I hit in the gap in the 7th inning? Even your mom could have scored on that.

MB: I'm black.

JK: Yes, I've noticed.

MB: Have you noticed that you're the only one who still has a moustache?

JK: No, I haven't noticed because I've been too busy hustling. Maybe you should try it sometime.

MB: I'm black.

JK: Well, you'll be black and blue if you ever take an RBI away from me again.

MB (crying): I'm telling Jim Tracy on you!

Frankly, we like both Kent and Bradley. They both want to win, they're both fundamentally sound ballplayers, neither is afraid to speak his mind, and neither is quite right in the head. Kent's been around long enough to know when things need to be shaken up, and if he railed on Bradley, there was probably a reason for it. Bradley, of course, thinks everyone is out to get him—a paranoia that probably deepens when someone actually does get him.

The funniest part of the whole thing is how, in just a month, Bradley has gone from singing Kent's praises to digging Kent's grave. On July 17th, Bradley ripped into the dull Dodgers but spoke highly of Kent: "When I'm not in there, we don't have that same fire. We have more low-key guys. I felt like every guy was trying to outdo the next guy. Now, we're back to being flat, except for Kent. He knows what to do."

Now, a month later, Bradley has changed his tune, apparently respecting everyone but Kent: "The other guys in this clubhouse know me, love me and respect me and I respect them back... Some people, that's all their life is—is baseball... how many hits they get, how many runs they drive in, how many plays they make. They're working for a plaque. I'm not working for a plaque."

Poor Milton. You know the guy means well, you know he's not coming down on Kent for devoting himself to baseball, and you know the guy cares about his own performance more than he puts across there, but man, things just don't come out of that guy's mouth very smoothly. The best thing he could do for himself, his family, and the Dodgers is to just stop talking to the media. What's that, Milton? Oh, you have something else to say? Okay, go ahead. "I want people to say Milton Bradley was a pretty good ballplayer and a pretty good person." Well that was nice, Milton. Very mature. Do you have anything else to add? "Anybody who is going to stand between me getting there, then they need to be eliminated."

August 19, 2005 - Marlins 3, Dodgers 0
A little Dookie—right in the face

In days following the trade of Paul Lo Duca last season, our biggest fear wasn't what the Dodgers would do without him—it's what he would do to the Dodgers. Friday night, he bent them over, pulled down their pants, and knocked in two runs to ruin D.J. Houlton's night. Standing at first, having put the Marlins up 2-0, Lo Duca reached down and clapped. It wasn't a clap of excitement, though. It was an F-you to Paul DePodesta. (Lo Duca might as well have just flipped the bird to the camera and mooned the Dodger dugout.) Lo Duca's a nice guy, but don't think for a second that he doesn't get tremendous pleasure from burning the Dodgers—even more than a year after the fact. Lo Duca's pleasure, of course, makes our wounds sting a little bit more. Get over it, you say? Go to hell, we say. How, as a Dodger fan, can you possibly watch Lo Duca drop one into right field to beat the Dodgers and not have it drive you to rip out your own liver? If you're able to detatch yourself that easily, good for you, but you're not a fan. (Although you'd make a good GM.)

August 18, 2005 - Dodgers 7, Braves 4
Dodgers inch closer to Padres

Everyone and their mom knows that the Dodgers have no business being four games out of first place. Yet there they are. Ten games under .500, no closer, no regular first baseman, no regular third baseman, no regular right fielder, no regular left fielder, no left-handed reliever, no one with more than eight stolen bases, one starting pitcher with a winning record, one guy with more than 15 home runs... and four games back. It's truly unbelievable. It's like a guy lighting his balls on fire and still being able to make babies. Sort of. Okay, not at all, but that's not the point. What's the point? We don't have a point. We never have a point. What we do have, however, is a huge poster of Jose Cruz on the wall (or, as Charley Steiner insists on calling him, Cruz Jr.). Jose finally made us proud on Thursday, knocking out two hits and nailing a guy (albeit a catcher) at second base. Cruz's fourth-inning single was his first hit as a Dodger, ending an 0-for-13 streak. As Cruz celebrated at first base, Paul DePodesta celebrated by dropping the razor blade he had positioned over his wrist. Five batters later, Milton Bradley hit a 3-run homer to right, and with three scoreless innings from the pen, the Dodgers went on to win, 7-4. I have to pee now.

August 16, 2005 - Dodgers 6, Braves 4
Tomahawk that, you bastards

Maybe it's the the cockiness of Bobby Cox, maybe it's the whitetrashiness of Chipper Jones, or maybe it's the fact that their airport is ridiculously large. Whatever the reason, there's something about Atlanta that's always pissed us off. The Dodgers must feel the same way, because two of them tried to kill Atlanta fans on Tuesday night by tossing bats into the stands. Sadly, no one was hit, but it was satisfying nonetheless to watch the Dodgers score three runs in the 9th inning and beat the Braves, 6-4. John Smoltz loses a victory, Chris Reitsma loses a save, and the Braves lose just their 18th game at home this season. The Dodgers' ninth-inning runs came on RBI singles by Olmedo Saenz (he's a professional hitter, after all) and Oscar Robles (who can't possibly be as decent as he might look). The Dodgers then loaded the bases with nobody out, but rally-killers Milton Bradley and Jeff Kent put an end to the inning. The win keeps the Dodgers within five of San Diego, even if Derek Lowe can't keep the ball in the goddamn ballpark. Lowe gave up three more home runs Tuesday, meaning he has a chance to break the single season record for home runs allowed—set in 1996 by the entire Detroit Tiger pitching staff.

August 14, 2005 - Dodgers 2, Mets 1
They were right after all

Almost thirteen years later, it turns out the Dodgers were right: Pedro Martinez is clearly weak. If he was bigger, stronger, and tougher, he surely wouldn't have given up two hits in the eighth inning on Sunday—the Dodgers' only two hits of the game. Those hits—a triple by Antonio Perez and a homer off the bat of Jayson Werth—were enough to propel the Dodgers to an improbable 2-1 comeback victory over the Mets. Thankfully for Brad Penny, the Dodgers have no closer so the 9th inning was his to handle. Marlon Anderson made it to third with one out, adding to the sudden drama. Anderson, however, was nailed at the plate on a ground ball the Dodgers didn't botch, and Penny struck out Kaz Matsui to end the game. The win brings the Dodgers back to within five of the Padres, and continues to string along fans who actually have faith in the team. (Well, they call themselves fans; we call them morons.) For a while, it looked as if the day might end far differently. Pedro Martinez was masterful, and a no-hitter didn't seem far-fetched. It would have been poetic, actually. Pedro Martinez and Mike Piazza—in what figured to be Piazza's last game at Dodger Stadium—forming the battery that no-hits the Dodgers? It would have made sense. The two worst Dodger trades of the last thirty years, and they rub salt in the never-healing wounds of Dodger fans by no-hitting them in front of 48,000. It would have meant nothing special to Frank McCourt, Paul DePodesta, or really any of the Dodgers on the field, but to the fans who watched Martinez and Piazza ushered out of town, it would have brought unbearable frustration. It also—in some sick way—might have brought a little bit of closure. Well, so much for that.

August 13, 2005 - Mets 5, Dodgers 1
Well that was ugly

Losses are rarely pretty, but they're also rarely as ugly as the Dodgers' loss on Saturday. The Dodgers had trouble hitting the ball, had trouble throwing the ball, and had trouble fielding the ball. If they weren't playing baseball, they'd have been fine. The Dodgers got just five hits, made four errors, and let the Mets steal five bases. It was one of those games where you expected someone to trip rounding second base. Only problem was they only had a couple guys get to second base. Cesar Izturis botched three ground balls (two for errors), Olmedo Saenz botched a rundown, and Jason Phillips... well... he probably wishes he never became a catcher. Giving Dioner Navarro his first day off since July 27th, Phillips was abused by the Mets, who stole bases every chance they got. After the game, Phillips watched queitly as the Mets stole his wallet, shoes, and car. On a positive note, Phillips didn't throw a single ball into center field—just left field.

August 12, 2005 - Dodgers 7, Mets 6
Dioner has a lot to learn

Dioner Navarro is only 21, so you can understand his naiveté. For years he's been taught that in a tie game, you try to win. Someone forgot to tell him, however, that he's now playing for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Being a Dodger brings with it certain responsibilities. Among these is the responsibility to use all late-inning at-bats to weakly ground out on the first pitch. Friday night, Dioner showed his inexperience, hitting a walk-off home run in the bottom of the 10th inning on the 9th pitch of his at-bat. It was his first major league home run, and helped the Dodgers overcome two homers from Victor Diaz, a former Dodger farmhand called up by the Mets earlier in the day. With former Dodgers everywhere, you figured one of them would deliver the crushing blow, but the night ultimately belonged to Dioner (even though he still can't throw anyone out at second). Sadly, he will soon learn what it means to be a Dodger. (Either that, or he'll just keel over and die from too many goddamn starts in a row.)

August 11, 2005 - Dodgers 5, Phillies 1
Dodgers avoid sweep—oh, the joy

As a fan, you know you're rooting for a bad team when you start finding joy in things that don't happen. The Dodgers didn't blow a late-inning lead? Sweet. They didn't leave the bases loaded? Cool deal. They didn't get swept? Party. On a day when Jayson Werth returned to the team, Wilson Alvarez returned to the DL, and Yhency Brazoban returned to the depths of the bullpen, the Dodgers beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 5-1. Odalis Perez pitched eight solid innings, Dioner Navarro picked up three hits, and Jose Cruz Jr. (0-for-4, 2 K's) moved a little bit closer to being designated for assignment for the third time this month. If Cruz wasn't a Cruz, he'd be stocking shelves at Walgreen's right about now. But instead of lining up douche on aisle five, he finds himself in a lineup full of douches. On this day, though, the douches cleaned up—however uninspiring it may have been. With the Padres' win over the Mets, the Dodgers remain seven games back. And Jose Valentin remains a creepy-looking dude. Guaranteed that during the offseason that guy drives a van with curtains to his bullfights.

August 10, 2005 - Phillies 9, Dodgers 5
Almost nothing rhymes with Yhency

A closer's job is to end the game. Technically, Yhency Brazoban is doing his job. After all, the game generally ends when he comes in. Entering Wednesday's game with the score tied 5-5 in the 9th inning, Brazoban gave up four runs without recording an out. It was the second bullpen implosion in as many days for the Dodgers, and the 19th consecutive appearance that Brazoban has looked like cat vomit. Look, we all know the Dodgers don't have a chance in hell of overcoming a seven game deficit with the roster they have, but can we please pull the plug on the Yhency experiment? It's not working. He's not a closer. Hell, a couple years ago he wasn't even a pitcher. He's got a few extra pounds and obviously can throw the ball as straight as an arrow—why not put him behind the plate? Would the Dodgers be any worse off if Yhency Brazoban was catching Jason Phillips in the ninth inning? Phillips obviously can't throw from the plate to second base... maybe he can throw from the mound to home plate. He's already got the goatee and goggles. What's to lose? Another game? Another season? Our lives?

August 9, 2005 - Phillies 8, Dodgers 4
Trash picker! Trash picker!

Just before the Dodgers' late-inning collapse on Tuesday night, Paul DePodesta put on his boots. Then his gloves. Then, as Dan Evans had done a few years before, Paul started going through other people's garbage. Old food... a torn shirt... Darryl Strawberry's autobiography... ooh, wait-- a moving hand. Hey, it's Jose Cruz, Jr! Perfect, thought Paul. Give him a shower and Jason Grabowski's old jersey, and the Dodgers have themselves a new outfielder. Despite the fact that Cruz will be joining his seventh team in as many seasons, DePodesta obviously sees no reason for concern. "Quite frankly, the last 2 1/2 years we have had very good reports on [Cruz]. We haven't seen any kind of downturn in play." No downturn, Paul? Cruz went 0-for-37 earlier this season and has been designated for assignment by two teams in as many weeks. If that's not a downturn, then it's a total friggin' nose dive... from 13,000 feet... into a nuclear power plant.

August 5, 2005 - Dodgers 12, Pirates 6
Olmedo likes pizza... and RBIs

It was Olmedo's day on Friday... and not just because he carjacked a Domino's Pizza driver on his way to the ballpark. Saenz had three hits, drove in six runs, and led the Dodgers to a 12-6 win over the Pittsburgh Pirates. Understandably, the Dodgers were a little confused after scoring twelve runs. Derek Lowe sat in the dugout scratching his head. Milton Bradley momentarily respected his teammates. And Hee Seop Choi asked Glenn Hoffman to explain what was happening. "We're scoring runs," Hoffman said. "I no understand," replied Choi. Well, here's all that anyone has to understand: the Pirates are 24 games out of first place. If the Dodgers can't beat them, they should drown themselves in the Allegheny River. (Yes, we had to look up the spelling of Allegheny.) Combined with the Padres' late-inning win over Washington (for which you can thank Dave Roberts and Eric Young), the Dodgers remain five games back in the stagnant West. In other news, Elmer Dessens is officially the most forgettable Dodger in history.

August 4, 2005 - Nationals 7, Dodgers 0
Dodgers bend over for Nationals

At first glance, Thursdays loss to the Nationals might seem discouraging. It was the Dodgers' eighth loss in their last eleven games, they struck out thirteen times, got only four hits off a guy who had never pitched a shutout, and gave up seven runs to a team that hadn't scored more than four in almost a month. At second glance, though.... oh, who the hell are we kidding—the Dodgers are the definition of discouraging. They're also the definition of boring, spiritless, and ballsack. Under the word dope, of course, you'll find a picture of Jim Tracy. With the Dodgers down 2-0 in the eighth, Duaner Sanchez came in to relieve Brad Penny. With the game still in reach (technically), a decent manager would have had someone getting loose in the pen just in case Sanchez got into trouble. Well, Tracy didn't have anyone else warming up, and what do you know—Sanchez immediately got into trouble, walking the first two guys he faced. Had someone been warming up, you pull Sanchez right there. Instead, Sanchez stays in long enough to allow a run-scoring single and the big blow, a Brad Wilkerson grand slam. Only then—with the Dodgers down 7-0—does Tracy walk to the mound (like he's saving the day) and yank Sanchez. The fact that a reliever who enters a 2-run game in the eighth inning is left in long enough to allow four runs (plus another charged to Penny) is friggin' inexcusable. Regardless of how bad his other relievers might be or how pathetic his offense is, a manager's job is to do everything he can to keep his team in the game. Instead, Jim Tracy bends over.

August 2, 2005 - Dodgers 5, Nationals 4
Homers beat Washington

Like a little Chihuahua that thinks he's a Great Dane, the feeble Dodgers suddenly decided on Tuesday that they were power hitters. Jeff Kent, Jason Repko, Jason Phillips, and Hee Seop Choi all went deep, and the Dodgers edged Washington, 5-4. Steve Schmoll and Jonathan Broxton did their best to make the game closer than it should have been, and Dioner Navarro didn't help matters by throwing a ball into centerfield (a la Jason Phillips), but Yhency Brazoban picked up his 21st save and kept the Dodgers four back of San Diego. (Yes, that was a run-on sentence. No, we're not going to fix it.) A win is a win, but Tuesday's sheds light on a problem that figures to burn the Dodgers down the stretch: the teenagers in their bullpen. We're all for giving young guys a chance, but it would have been nice to see Paul DePodesta pick up a veteran set-up guy before the trade deadline. With Scott Erickson gone and Wilson Alvarez done, the average age of the guys in the pen is twenty-seven. (If you take Carrara and Dessens out of the equation, the average age is seventeen.) Only three of the six guys have a full year of major league experience. It's all good now, but when it's mid-September and Jonathan Broxton is facing Troy Glaus with a one-run lead and the bases loaded, it's not quite so good.

August 1, 2005
Alvarez tests positive... for fudge

It was disclosed on Monday that Dodger pitcher Wilson Alvarez, struggling this season with a bad shoulder and a mad appetite, has tested positive for fudge. Without giving specifics, the 35-year-old former All-Star left the impression that the substance was contained in other food and was never swallowed on its own. "I never knowingly ingested fudge," Alvarez said on Monday. "I may have had an occasional fudgesicle or a hot fudge sundae, but it's not like I just pour fudge in my mouth. I mean, sometimes my trainer pours stuff in my mouth, and it's dark brown, and it tastes chocolatey, but I really don't know what it is that I'm eating." Dodger manager Jim Tracy said his players were "a little disappointed" but wanted to support their teammate. "Is Wilson a great guy? Yes. Does Wilson love to pitch? Yes. Does Wilson love to eat desert, even before dinner? The answer to that question is an affirmative." Meanwhile, bothered by his shoulder, Alvarez has announced that he will retire after the season. Bothered by his shoulder? We say he's bothered by the league's fudge policy.