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> DECEMBER 2004 December
29, 2004
December
27, 2004
December
23, 2004
December
21, 2004
Whatever the case, DePodesta still has some major work ahead of him... including smoothing things over with the four guys he dangled out there for a week, if indeed he plans on keeping them. Brad Penny had already shown excitement over the idea of going to Arizona, and you've got to figure he still wants out. You've also got to figure that the Dodgers are going to have a tough time convincing those few remaining free agents that L.A. is the place for them. Who in their right mind (other than Jeff Kent, who shed tears over coming to Los Angeles) would want to sign with the Dodgers? It would be like seeking out the divorcee with two kids and a cocaine habit. The Dodgers are a mess, and unless someone's career is in the shitter (sort of like Valentin's), why would they want to join this mess? Of course after writing that last sentence, there's now news that J.D. Drew has agreed to a 5-year, $55 million deal with the Dodgers. First of all, after the Dreifort contract, just hearing "5 years, $55 million" is enough to make any Dodger fan cringe. Secondly, and, um, thirdly, fourtly, and fifthly, the Dodgers are willing to spend $55 million on a 29-year-old guy from Atlanta, but weren't willing to spend an extra $10 million on a 25-year-old who means as much to the City of L.A. as the freeway system? That's bullshit. And speaking of bullshit, who knows whether the Drew deal is actually legit. Until it comes out of DePodesta's mouth (which is right below his big nostrils), we're not buying it. Christ, Kaz Ishii is still a Dodger. December
20, 2004
December
18, 2004
December
16, 2004
First, the Dodgers watched as Adrian Beltre signed with Seattle (see below). Then, as Dodger fans were crouched over in pain, trying to recover from that kick in the nuts, news broke that the Dodgers had traded Shawn Green, Brad Penny, and Yhency Brazoban (?) to Arizona (say it ain't so—their own division?) in a 3-way deal that brought them Javier Vazquez and a couple minor leaguers. You might as well just wear body armor around your groin, because we guarantee there's more to come. Don't expect Eric Gagne to last very long. Or Dodger Stadium itself for that matter. The McCourt/DePodesta machine is in full effect, and there's no stopping it. The "buy low, sell high" strategy is great if you're talking about stocks, but fans, unfortunately, don't see baseball as business. They see it as love. Such being the case, it's painful as hell to sit here and watch two guys dismantle the entire Dodger organization. With the exception of Gagne, every player who's meant anything to the fans is gone: Lo Duca, Roberts, Lima, Finley, Beltre, Green. Six months, all gone. The saddest part is that they can get away with it. Why? Because the weak fans in L.A. will show up at the games regardless of what losers happen to be wearing the uniform. Let's face it... half of the fans at the stadium don't know anything about baseball—do you think they care that there'll be a no-name rookie at third base instead of Adrian Beltre? Do you think they care that there'll be a guy named Dioner behind the plate? Jesus Christ, Dioner and Duaner. What the hell happened to the Dodgers? It's hard to believe, really. These are the Los Angeles fuckin' Dodgers we're talking about. These aren't the Royals, the Devil Rays, or the Expos. These are the Dodgers. These are the Sandy Koufax's, the Don Drysdale's, the Orel Hershiser's. And now, these are the Ricky Ledee's. It's a little tough to look forward to April right now. Hell, it's a little tough to look forward to tomorrow, knowing it could bring the departure of Vin Scully. So what now? Well, first of all you hope to God that Kaz Ishii and Hee-Seop Choi get included in one of these piece of shit deals. Second, you'd best not get your hopes up that the Dodgers have some blockbuster deal on the horizon that's suddenly going to restore the team to greatness. If there's anything else going on, it'll be to unload someone, not to add a star. (The fact that the Dodgers were willing to load up a division rival speaks pretty clearly that they're writing off the 2005 season.) Simply put, the Dodgers are now a minor league team. Get used to it. They've got a payroll of about $11 million, and that'll drop once they lose their coaching staff (most of whom are still unsigned for 2005). Meanwhile, their best player is in jail. Dodger fans, welcome to Kansas City. Los Angeles belongs to the Angels now. December
16, 2004
The day we've all been dreading finally came on Thursday. Adrian Beltre, healed abdomen and all, is now a Seattle Mariner. (Sure, it could be worse—he could be a Giant... but that's like saying that your accident with the bagel slicer could have been worse—you could have lost 4 fingers instead of just three.) Anyway, Adrian Beltre is a Mariner. Steve Finley is an Angel. Jeff Kent is a Dodger. And Frank McCourt is an asshole. All along, the Dodgers had no plans to sign Beltre. We've been saying it since the end of the season. The Dodgers pretended they wanted to fork over the cash, even offering him a 6-year deal—probably worth less than what McCourt spent on his Holmby Hills mansion. No-so-Frank can talk all he wants about how he's not going to cut the payroll to Brewer-like levels, but when the team shows no interest in Carlos Beltran, lets go of Adrian Beltre, and doesn't even go so far as to offer Steve Finley arbitration, it's pretty clear that the guy is full of shit. Meanwhile, McCourt figures to make a few million per year from the new field level seats that no one wants. Dodger fans deserve better. Three and a half million showed up at the stadium last season, and what do we get as thanks? Ricky Ledee. That's bullshit. Dodger fans deserve more. Sure, the team will probably make a pathetic trade or two to save face, but the damage is done. (Well, it's done as far as we're concerned, but fact is they'd still draw 3 million even if the team changed it's colors to pink and green.) Whatever trades happen in the next few days or weeks, it still means giving someone up—only problem is that they can't afford to give anyone up. They were already short a catcher, a couple starting pitchers, a good set-up guy, and a true first baseman. Now you can add third base to the list of holes. And who you gonna get? AJ Peierznesksiaikski, an asshole with poor catching skills? Oooooh. Javier Vasquez, a guy who basically has a .500 career record? Ooooh. Charles fuckin' Johnson? Please. December
15, 2004
December
9, 2004
December
8, 2004
December
6, 2004
December
2, 2004
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With the Diamondbacks poised to deal Randy Johnson to the Yankees,
Shawn Green could once again be heading to Arizona. When it's all
said and done, Hee-Seop Choi will be the Dodgers first baseman.
We're all very appreciative of the bases-loaded walk he drew in
the 9th inning against the Giants in the division-clinching game
back in October, but we're a little concerned about one thing: the
fact that he sucks. Like Daryle Ward the season before, Choi didn't
hit a single home run as a Dodger in '04, a streak that figures
to continue as long as Choi keeps swinging like a retard. (Not that
there's anything wrong with retards, but let's face it, they do
tend to swing a certain way.) Frankly, we'd much rather see Shawn
Green back at first base in '05. Is he worth the $16 million? No.
But despite his decline, he's still capable of putting up a .280/30HR/90RBI
season. The point is moot, though, since the unnecessary signing
of J.D. Drew now forces the Dodgers to shed Green's contract. Of
course, since everyone in baseball knows this, Green's value has
been eroded and the Dodgers will be lucky to get a cup of soup for
him. Meanwhile, not only is Kaz Ishii still a Dodger, but he's looking
like the #3 starter right about now. Good times.
According to Odalis Perez, there's already a New York Mets uniform
with his name on it. According to the New York Mets, the grease
in Odalis's hair is seeping into his brain. Perez said on Monday
that Mets general manager Omar Minaya was planning a trip to the
Dominican Republic to meet with him. Minaya, however, denied that
he had any plans to visit with the Dodger free agent pitcher. Even
Perez's agent, Fernando Cuza, confirmed that there was no meeting
scheduled. Either Kim Ng has been making phony phone calls to Perez,
or Perez is smoking something. (We'll go with the latter, considering
Perez also believes that he deserves a deal comparable to the one
Matt Clement recently received.) Whether Odalis ends up with the
Mets or not, it certainly looks like he won't be back in Los Angeles.
Paul DePodesta has other plans. Those plans include skiing, visiting
friends in Oakland, and celebrating New Years in Hawaii. The Dodgers
still need a pitcher, but don't expect them to overspend for one.
(It's not, of course, that they're opposed to overspending, it's
just that they did all their overspending with J.D. Drew.) Speaking
of which, did that really happen? Did the penny-pinching Dodgers
shell out fifty-friggin-five million dollars for J.D. Drew?
Everyone is so proud of how Drew played in a career-high 145 games
last season. Well, excuse us if we don't get wet between the legs,
but by our crude calculations, he still missed 17 games. Unless
he spends those 17 games escorting his wife around the stadium to
please fans, no one should be bragging about playing in 145. In
other news, Jason Repko turned 25 on Monday. Who's Jason Repko?
Well, he's on the Dodgers' 40-man roster. What, are you saying you
haven't heard of Dennis Houlton either? Brian Myrow? Delwyn Young?
Geez, some Dodger fan you are.
The Dodgers made it official on Thursday, announcing the signing
of brittle-boned outfielder J.D. Drew to a 5-year deal. His name
is J.D., but if you look at his stats, you can call him Kal. Through
age 28, Kal Daniels had 2,338 at-bats. Drew has 2,415. Daniels had
666 hits. Drew has 693. Daniels had 114 home runs. Drew has 127.
Daniels had 360 RBIs. Drew has 373. Daniels batted .285. Drew is
at .287. Daniels had an OBP of .382. Drew's is .391. Daniels had
87 stolen bases. Drew has 71. And the similarities go beyond stats.
Daniels had bad knees, and was out of baseball by age 30. Drew's
knees aren't much better. In 2002, he had surgery to remove a diseased
portion of his right patella tendon. Basically, the Dodgers gave
$55 million to the hick version of Kal Daniels. "Heck yeah,
I was injury prone," said Drew at the Dodgers' news conference
Thursday. Well, yee-haw. Paul DePodesta is obviously hoping Drew
has outgrown his injuries, but how realistic is that? How many guys
get healthier as they get older? The fact that the Dodgers
spent $55 million on a risk smacks of both desperation and stupidity.
Desperation, because they had to quickly appease pissed-off Dodger
fans with a power hitter. Stupidity, because the guy isn't worth
that kind of money. Don't get us wrong, it's nice to see Frank McCourt
open his wallet, but we all know where the illogical spending of
Kevin Malone got the Dodgers. J.D. Drew made $4.2 million in 2004.
Apparently the Dodgers believe his 31 home runs are worth double
that figure. Interesting, considering that Adrian Beltre's near-MVP
season wasn't. Yeah, yeah, Beltre was asking for a huge amount up
front—but that doesn't stop us from thinking it could have
been (and should have been) worked out. That's the past, though.
Kal Daniels is the future. 
Like
a guy practicing bad birth control, the Dodgers pulled out of the
Big Trade on Monday afternoon. After going on a drinkng binge over
the weekend and trying to trade half his team, Paul DePodesta has
apparently sobered up. If Randy Johnson ends up in New York, the
Dodgers won't be involved, and if Shawn Green is wearing a different
uniform next season, it likely won't have a snake on it. Beyond
that, who knows what it all means. Did the Dodgers suddenly realize
that Mike Koplove couldn't hit 65 home runs? Did Javier Vazquez
threaten to burn down Dodger Stadium if he ended up in L.A.? Did
the fan backlash have an impact? Or does DePodesta just like to
fuck with people? What's going on behind the scenes—between
Frank McCourt and Paul DePodesta—is what's most intriguing.
Considering Frank McCourt made a couple phone calls on Monday to
the other owners involved, promising that the deal would go down,
you've now got to wonder if DePodesta actually stood up to not-so-Frank.
What
started out as a bad dream has just become a complete friggin' joke.
A week ago, the Dodgers weren't the greatest team on paper, but
at least they could field a team. Now, however, after five
days in a drunken stupor, Paul DePodesta finds himself with about
seven players. Beltre, gone. Green, Brazoban, Penny, Ishii... as
good as gone. Scott Stewart, gone. Tom Wilson, gone. Alex Cora,
gone. Alex Cora? Don't get us wrong, we were never huge Cora
fans, but from a defensive standpoint, can the Dodgers really afford
to lose Beltre and Cora? Can't quite see Jeff Kent flipping
the ball to Cesar Izturis to nail a guy at first. Oops, there we
go again... actually thinking about assembling a team built to win.
Stupid of us... we keep forgetting that's not the idea. We keep
forgetting that the idea is... uh... come to think of it, what
is the idea? Is the idea to get younger? (If so, what's with
giving Wilson Alvarez a 2-year contract?) Is the idea to save money?
(If so, why would they possibly be interested in J.D. Drew and not
Beltre?) Is the idea to just match Billy Beane, move by move? (If
so, prepare for Eric Gagne to be wearing a Cardinals' uniform soon.)
Frankly, we're not so sure anyone has a friggin' clue what the idea
is. (Well, Ross Porter may have known, and that's why he's now tied
up in a closet somewhere in Mexico.) Seriously, the Dodgers might
be delaying the Green/Vazquez deal not so they can be sure of their
subsequent moves, but so DePodesta can sober up and get a grip on
the mess that the team has quickly become. It's becoming obvious
that DePodesta's computer keeps crashing and the dude is having
a nervous breakdown. After announcing the signing of Jose Valentin
on Monday, DePodesta said, "His ability to play six different
positions is also something that should prove to be invaluable throughout
the course of the season." What Paul didn't say is that he's
hoping Valentin can play six different positions at once.
It's Saturday morning, and we haven't written anything since Thursday
night. That's not because we were waiting to see if the Green deal
would go through. It's not because we thought we should step back
and clear our heads. And it's not because our internet connection
is a piece of shit and we couldn't get online (although that's partially
true). We haven't written in two days because this whole thing is
still just too sickening to think about. It's not specifically about
Adrian Beltre, Shawn Green, or Yhency Brazoban. Nor is it about
Javier Vasquez. What it's about is the third-class organization
that the Dodgers have contently—and rather quickly—become.
Never thought you'd long for the days of Fox ownership, did you?
They were scumbags, too, but at least they had deep pockets and
were willing to dip into them. When Mike Piazza was traded, we all
went nuts, but the deal brought Gary Sheffield to Los Angeles. Today,
the Dodgers let their franchise player walk, and replace him with
Jose Valentin. So there are three things, then, that are upsetting
as hell: (1) the degradation of talent on the field, (2) the complete
lack of respect Dodger management has for fans who root not just
for the uniform, but for certain players, and (3) the fact that
it looks like we'll have to replace our Shawn Green salary counter.
(Maybe we can sell it to a D'Backs web site.) We now know why Frank
McCourt has chosen to take the names off the back of the Dodger
uniforms: he doesn't want fans getting attached to players. This
way, little Jimmy from Duarte can always be a fan of #23, regardless
of what stiff happens to be wearing the uniform. Actually, it's
kind of nice that we won't have to see names like 'Valentin' and
'Ledee' on the back of the beautiful Dodger jerseys. This way, we
can pretend we're watching real baseball players like Hudson, Beltran,
and Clement. There
is, at least, a little bit of good news today: Paul DePodesta has
heard our plea and may be including Kaz Ishii in the 3-team trade.
Kaz won't last two months in New York, but we've got other things
to worry about.
Early Thursday, the Dodgers sent out an email to subscribers of
their e-newsletter with the subject "HAPPY HOLIDAYS from the
Dodgers!" Inside the email was a link and a short line of text:
"The McCourts have a very special Holiday Greeting for you!"
We were a little fearful to click on the link, assuming of course
that their "holiday greeting" was an anal raping over
the internet. Honestly, why expect anything else? Frank McCourt
has proven he's not to be trusted, and the clearest proof came on
Thursday afternoon... and then kept coming. 
Once upon a time, guy meets girl. Guy thinks girl is kind of cute,
but a bit chubby. Guy gets into relationship with girl, hoping girl
will shed a few pounds. Guy sticks with girl for five friggin' years.
Girl loses a pound here, gains a pound there. Still, guy knows deep
down that girl could be really hot. Finally one day, girl stops
eating chili cheeseburgers, starts doing sit-ups, and loses 30 pounds.
Girl is sexy. Girl learns how to hit with power to right field.
Girl hits 48 home runs. Girl is a piece of ass. So what does guy
do? Guy tells girl to kiss his ass and then watches girl hook up
with a dude who lives somewhere very overcast. And they all lived
happily ever after... well, all except for Dodger fans.
It's been an unpredictable offseason for the Dodgers, but one thing
is certain: Milton Bradley won't be getting in trouble the next
couple days. On Wednesday, Bradley began serving a 3-day jail sentence
for driving away while being issued a speeding ticket while he was
on the Cleveland Indians. Bradley spent his first day in prison
breaking imaginary bats over his knee, cursing at a prison guard
(whom he repeatedly called Joe West), and practicing his 'I'm a
bad-ass' strut. Apparently confused over his whereabouts, Bradley
also begged to be arrested. Told that he was already in prison,
Bradley began to fume. And then, once again, begged to be arrested.
(Yeah, this is going nowhere... basically we just needed an excuse
to post this picture.) In other Dodger news, Tim Hudson is still
a member of the Oakland A's. No worries, Franquelis Osoria is on
the Dodgers' 40-man roster.
Jeff Kent is a four-time all-star, has a .289 career average, and
has seven seasons with more than 100 RBIs. He'd be a great addition
to the Dodgers. Only problem is that he's not an addition—he's
a replacement. The Dodgers' unexpected signing of Jeff Kent on Thursday
means one thing: Adrian Beltre is gone. The Dodgers made no announcement
of what position Kent would be playing, and Kent made it clear he'd
be up for anything... likely because the Dodgers told him to start
taking grounders at third. Let's face it: signing a 36-year-old
to a lucrative two-year contract is very un-DePodesta-like. So why
would he do it? Because he's not about to give $80 million to Adrian
Beltre and he knows damn well he'd better have a right-handed power
hitter who can pick up some of the slack. You put Jeff Kent in a
lineup along with Beltre, Werth, Green, and Bradley, it's not a
bad move. But making Jeff Kent the centerpiece of a lineup (one
without Beltre) isn't quite the same thing. Not even close. Let's
hope we're wrong. Let's hope McCourt surprises us. Let's hope Kent
isn't just the Dodgers' attempt to quietly pacify the fans. And
while we're at it, let's hope the Elmer Dessens signing was just
a bad dream.
Frank McCourt is a businessman, so you can't fault him for looking
to make a profit. That's business. What you can fault him for, however,
is spewing bullshit about loving Dodger Stadium, about bringing
tradition back to the team, about putting a winner on the field...
it's all crap. Every single decision the man makes is based purely
on money. Dan Evans let go in favor of DePodesta? (Paul could save
his boss some money.) Ross Porter let go instead of Rick Monday?
(Monday is cheaper.) New box seats to bring fans closer to the action?
(Closer to the action my ass... those seats will bring in millions
per year.) A brand new scoreboard circling the stadium? (Yeah, more
space for advertisers.) Elmer Desens over Jose Lima? (Money, money,
money.... well, and herpes, too). Letting Finley go without even
offering him arbitration? (That's McCourt not wanting to risk having
to give Finley a hefty 1-year contract if he didn't sign elsewhere—even
if it meant losing out on a compensatory draft pick.) If after all
this you honestly think Adrian Beltre will be back, you're just
setting yourself up for some serious nausea. Sure, it would seem
that since the Dodgers aren't spending money on anyone else, they'd
have plenty to give to Beltre... and you're right, they would. But
it doesn't mean they will. They'll make it look like they're trying,
they'll make it look like they want him back, and, inevitably, they'll
make it look like Adrian is the bad guy once they can't come to
an agreement. They'll stand near the hot girl at the party, but
spend the time eating cheese cubes and Wheat Thins. Then they'll
publicly lament the fact that she went home with a guy in a Giants
hat. Pardon us for the pessimism, but when Brett Mayne is offered
arbitration, it just doesn't instill much faith. When Jose Lima's
energy is valued less than Wilson Alvarez's old fat arm, it makes
us a little bitter. When Steve Finley's age appears to be more of
a consideration than his batting average with the game on the line,
it kind of rubs us the wrong way. Speaking of wrong, it was nice
how we reported that Elmer Dessens was no longer a Dodger, and then
a day later the team signs him to a $1.5 million contract. Oh well,
we're nothing if we're not full of shit.
Like a little girl dipping her toe into a swimming pool to test
the water, the Dodgers dipped into the free-agent market on Monday...
and came up with Rickey Ledee, a popular left-handed outfielder.
We say popular because he's been on five teams in his six major
league seasons. And each team has apparently added another 'e' to
his name. Ledee, who would likely be out of baseball if it weren't
for the fact that he hits from the left side of the plate, figures
to be the 2005 Dodgers' answer to Robin Ventura... only without
grand slams... or well-timed hits... or bruises from Nolan Ryan.
Basically, he's Jason Grabowski with eyebrows. Ledee hit only .208
as a pinch-hitter last season, although according to Paul DePodesta,
"he's comfortable doing it." Wow, that's a relief. You
don't want a guy who hits .208 to be crappy and uncomfortable.
In other news, the team doesn't plan to offer salary arbitration
to Elmer Dessens, effectively ending his illustrious Dodger career.
Your Elmer Dessens nightgown is now a collector's item.
Well, there's finally an explanation as to why Jose Lima is always
so animated. It's not that he's passionate. It's not that he's intense.
It's not that he's insane. No, it's very simple: his crotch itches.
Like his sores, word spread on Thursday that Lima had been sued
by a woman accusing the crazy Dominican of giving her genital herpes
in 2003. A civil jury this week awarded the woman, Michelle E. Rudolph,
$475,000 for assault and $475,000 for negligence by Lima. The two
apparently dated for two years before Lima took a trip to the Dominican
Republic and returned with the virus. (Hey, at least he was smart
enough not to get an appendectomy there.) Lima claims he didn't
know he had herpes at the time, apparently believing that the red
growths on his testicles were simply a result of prolonged contact
with his 13-year-old jock strap. Interestingly, this marks the second
Dodger penis in the news in recent weeks. On November 17th, Jayson
Werth sued a man accusing him of being unfaithful to his wife. The
man, Ryan Root, also claimed he had a videotape of the Dodger outfielder
banging other women. For Werth's sake, let's hope Michelle Rudolph
wasn't one of those women. Interesting offseason. No news on Finley.
No news on Beltre. No news on a new catcher. Only lawsuits, arrests,
and STDs. Just waiting for the news that Brent Mayne is actually
a woman.