> DECEMBER 2006

Wait—hold the phone. You mean J.D. Drew isn't the embodiment of perfect health? Go fuckin' figure. Apparently it took a few Red Sox doctors and a couple of x-rays to determine what everyone in L.A., Atlanta, and St. Louis already knew quite well: that J.D. Drew is made of porcelain. The Red Sox reached a 5-year, $70 million deal with the outfielder almost two weeks ago, but as of Tuesday, it still hasn't been finalized. Why? Because a group of doctors in Boston are trying to figure out how a man without any bones has played for eight years in the Major Leagues. While neither the Sox nor Scott Boras have spoken publicly about the details of the hang-up, wow, it makes us so friggin' happy. And more than anyone else, you know that Ned Colletti is pissing his pants with joy.

The only piss, however, that's leaking out of J.D Drew's pants is urine of fear. Same goes for Scott Boras and Boston GM Theo Epstein. Drew's fear: If there's a new clause put into his contract, he might actually have to stay healthy to earn his money. Boras's fear: Drew might actually have to stay healthy to earn his money. Epstein's fear: He's giving $70 million to an invalid. "There's some stuff in the medical reports that the team was not aware of," said Gene Orza, chief operating officer of the Major League Baseball Players Association. Honestly, if the Red Sox were truly surprised at what they found in Drew's medical report, where the hell have they been the last eight years? It's been well chronicled that the guy spends as much time in the trainer's room as he does on the field. Are they that goddamn East Coast-centric that anything that happens outside of Boston and New York doesn't register on their radar? Maybe so, considering that they gave Julio Lugo $36 million.

December 12, 2006
Game over, pardner

Since the Chan Ho Park signing a few years back worked out so well for them, the Texas Rangers decided to dip into the Dodger organization again on Tuesday, apparently coming to a preliminary agreement with Eric Gagne on a 1-year, $6 million contract. Gagne could earn an additional $5 million in performance bonuses for doing such things as pitching more than two innings, washing his goatee, and not severing his own arm. The deal is contingent on Gagne passing a physical—which would be like that Koreatown street cart getting an 'A' rating from the L.A. County health inspector.

The deal with the Rangers is similar to the incentive-laden deal the Dodgers offered to Gagne earlier this offseason, but guarantees the 30-year-old another couple million—with a big lump going to everyone's friend, Scott Boras. Ned Colletti and Boras might deny it, but the relationship between the Dodgers and Agent Assface is clearly strained. After the Drew departure and Colletti's tantrum, Boras guided Greg Maddux down south and steered his other free agents clear of Los Angeles. Colletti made little effort to negotiate with Boras, and rumor has it that Ned actually burned Boras' business card, deleted his number from his cell phone, and dropped a booger in his Coke at the Winter Meetings.

As for Gagne, he leaves L.A. having made an impression with fans that very few Dodgers have ever made. For three years, he was absolutely mediocre. Then, for three years he was invincible. Finally, for two years he was an invalid. Gagne may eventually return to form, but don't bet on it. In fact, there's no reason to believe that he'll even stay healthy for the '07 season. The Rangers are taking a gamble, but what do they have to lose? After all, they're the Rangers. If they'd give Alex Rodriguez $252 million, why not $6 million to Gagne?

Watching Eric in a different uniform might take some getting used to, but it's all for the best. His health is a question, and you can't have a closer you can't rely on. Regardless of what he does with Texas, however, Gagne's legacy as a Dodger will always remain—as will the memories: the memories of Gagne jogging in from the left field bullpen with 50,000 fans on their feet, the memories of 98-mph fastballs overpowering helpless batters, and the memory of Gagne smiling after breaking off a knee-buckling curve to end the game. The fist pumps, the filthy hat, the goggles, the bushy hair, the unkempt goatee, the hockey intensity, the hundred pounds he gained after the '01 season... the dude had it going on. We'll miss that beast.

December 6, 2006
Old and Schmidty

After watching three of their own sign elsewhere on Tuesday, the Dodgers rebounded on Wednesday by signing, well, three of their own. The big catch, of course, was Jason Schmidt, who spent the last five seasons wearing orange and black. Well, maybe catch isn't the best word to use considering the Dodgers will be paying the 34-year-old more than $15 million a year. Nonetheless, in this offseason of off-kilter spending, it was the best move the Dodgers could have made—well, short of signing Barry Zito, that is. Of course Zito will end up commanding an even more ludicrous contract, and you've got to draw the line somewhere. As for Schmidt, there's no telling if his shoulder will hold up for three years, but it's a gamble the Dodgers had to take—and one that was predictable considering Colletti's infatuation with San Francisco. Colletti might not be a genius, but he's smart enough to know that the Dodgers couldn't afford to go into the season with Mark Hendrickson, Brett Tomko, or Elmer Dessens in the rotation.

Clearly, however, Colletti isn't smart enough to realize that spending $7 million on a 39-year-old outfielder with diminishing power is just plain stupid. Luis Gonzalez, who agreed late Wednesday night to a 1-year deal, hit 15 homers last season while driving in 73 runs. These are numbers that Andre Ethier (or hell, Marlon Anderson for that matter) could put up—and for a fraction of the cost. Then maybe you take some of your surplus pitching, throw in a mid-level prospect, and make a deal for another outfielder. The Gonzalez signing wreaks of Brian Sabean, who obviously imparted Colletti with a thing or two before Ned left San Francisco.

The Dodgers weren't done with Schmidt and Gonzalez, though. Adding another veteran, the Dodgers officially announced the signing of Mike Lieberthal on Wednesday. Sadly, this means the end in Blue for two guys who gained a tremendous fan following during the '06 season: Einar Diaz and Toby Hall. Dodger Stadium will never be the same.

December 3, 2006
Colletti's conundrum

Well, it's December. That means the weather in LA cools down to the mid-70s, people drive like shitheads in the mall parking lot, and baseball's general managers gather to discuss pressing issues—before trying to rape each other (so to speak). The Winter Meetings start on Monday, and the Dodgers figure to be active participants—at least as far as rumors go.

Active or not, Ned Colletti has a lot of decisions to screw up—er, to make. What is comes down to is patience and willpower. Do you give young guys the opportunity to prove themselves, or do you give up prospects—who, no matter how hyped, could amount to nothing—for a proven superstar? Clearly the Dodgers have a need for some pop in the lineup, but who's to say they don't already have someone who's capable of supplying that pop—for about $17 million a year less than Manny Ramirez? That's not to say someone like Matt Kemp is going to hit .300 and drive in 130 runs immediately, but if he (or Andre Ethier or James Loney or Andy LaRoche) could drive in 75, woudn't the Dodgers' money be better spent on someone like Jason Schmidt?

There's no doubt that Manny Ramirez would put up huge numbers for the Dodgers, but is the cost worth it? You'd not only be giving up major prospects, but you'd be committing $72 million over the next four years to one guy, and a volatile one at that. Then again, what does his volatility matter? Raul Mondesi was volatile, and the Dodgers didn't win after getting rid of him. Milton Bradley was volatile, and the Dodgers didn't win after getting rid of him. Odalis Perez was volatile (or a pain in the ass, at the very least), and the Dodgers didn't win after getting rid of him either. So let's take Manny's attitude and hair out of the equation. What it comes down to is production, and Manny produces. But still, is he worth the cost? Well, if Randy Wolf is worth $8 million and Juan Pierre is worth $9 million, an argument can certainly be made that Ramirez—one of baseball's best hitters—is worth $17 million. But it's more than just $17 million for each of the next two years. Ramirez would probably make a new team pick up his options for 2009 and 2010 in exchange for waving his no-trade clause, and that means another $40 million. So all told we're talking $72 million plus Matt Kemp, Jonathan Broxton, and probably someone else who's not Toby Hall. No thanks, we'll pass.

So what's the answer? Well, there's word that the Dodgers have made an offer to over-the-hill Luis Gonzalez. If that's not a Ned Colletti move, we don't know what is. If that's the best the Dodgers can do (and the fact is, Gonzalez wouldn't come cheaply), why even bother? Put Kemp in right, teach Loney how to play the outfield, or platoon Ethier and Marlon Anderson. Or do a combination of those things. Or trade Betemit, put Nomar Garciaparra at third, and give first base to Loney. The Dodgers might not have the huge bat they've been publicly craving, but they've got some interesting pieces that might just need a little time to fall into place. Right now their lineup looks something like this: Pierre, Furcal, Ethier, Kent, Garciaparra, Betemit, Loney, and Martin. If Nomar and Kent can stay healthy, you're not in terrible shape. Pick up a couple decent relievers, get another starter, stick Rick Monday in a closet, and things don't look that bad.