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> FEBRUARY 2009 February 23, 2009 No Spring in my step
Until something happens with Manny Ramirez, I’m just not interested. I don’t care about Rafael Furcal’s health, I don’t care about the return of Randy Wolf and Guillermo Mota, and I don’t care about the fact that this is Jason Repko’s fourteenth Spring with the Dodgers. As tired as I am of spending half my day refreshing ESPN.com in hopes of seeing something new on Manny—or reading that Scott Boras has died in a tragic parachute accident—I’m no less obsessed with having him on the team. Apparently some fans are fed up and just want the Dodgers to move on already, but these people can take their Juan Pierre bobbleheads and shove them up their Yhencys. You don’t want Manny? Fine, you should be tagged on your forehead as the douche you are and then set ablaze if you ever (a) complain about Pierre’s arm, (b) have the nerve to give Manny a standing ovation after he hits his 34th home run in April, or (c) buy a Cadillac Escalade and then ride my ass on the freeway. (No, ‘c’ has nothing to do with Manny, but it makes me friggin’ insane.) On a happy note, it appears that Orlando Hudson will fill the DB quotes page all by himself. Just since his unnecessary signing on Friday, he’s come up with these fine entries... On his wrist injury: "It's still not 110 percent, but I can play with it every day." On living in America: “We have it made here. We can go to nice restaurants.” And more on his wrist injury: “It's not something you see in baseball quite often. It's something you see in baseball.” (Ok, for Hudson's sake let's pray this one is an LA Times typo.) February 11, 2009
This is what’s it’s down to now for the Dodgers—Juan Pierre or Manny Ramirez. There are no other options… and as far as I’m concerned, Juan Pierre in left field isn’t an option. So what’s a Colletti to do? Fuck if I know, but you’ve got to figure the Dodgers are still the best fit for Manny. I think everyone’s a little tired of this game, and people have gone as far as to say Manny’s apathy this winter will cost him fan support if he does end up back in L.A., but that’s a bunch of crap. One home run, and you’ll have 55,000 people on their feet. Meanwhile, I’m hearing more and more about Orlando Hudson being on the Dodgers’ radar. For the love of God, Ned, are you truly as stupid as you look? I don’t know what it’ll cost to get Hudson, but you can bet it’ll be a hell of a lot more than the $400,000 that Blake DeWitt would earn. It’ll cost the Dodgers a draft pick, it’ll cost DeWitt an opportunity to prove himself, and for what? An extra four home runs a year? Jesus. February 9, 2009
Glad to see that Boras and Ned Colletti are really hitting it off, though. Can’t wait for them to bring Byung-Hyun Kim to Los Angeles. February 3, 2009
But let’s get back to Manny. Or rather, let’s get back to what everyone is discussing as the alternative: Orlando Hudson and either Adam Dunn or Bobby Abreu. First of all, what the hell does Orlando Hudson have to do with this? Sure, Vinny would wet his pants over the “O-Dog,” but if you haven’t noticed, the Dodgers have a second baseman: Blake DeWitt. As for Adam Dunn and Bobby Abreu, I want to puke. Neither of these guys is a difference-maker… unless you’re talking about the difference between Dodger fans caring or not. Honestly, if they don’t end up with Manny, can we all just agree to not even bother with Dunn or Abreu? And why is no one talking about how Daryle Ward is available? February 2, 2009
The more I thought about it, though, the more it started to make some sense. One year—to a guy who’s had no other formal offers. One year—to a guy who needs incentive to perform. One year—for a team that already has plenty of salary baggage. The Dodgers would get Manny for a year, and Manny would get a chance next winter to cash in on a big season. Only problem is that he’s coming off of a big season. And no one wants him. And the economy isn’t suddenly going to do a one-eighty this coming October. And don’t forget: Manny gave up the final two years of his contract with the Red Sox to go west and become a free agent again. You can hardly call a 1-year, $25 million contract a defeat, but with Scott Boras pulling the strings, isn’t it? Believe me, I would love to see the Dodgers lock in Manny for two or three years, but if they truly think they can get him for one, why not? As a fan, I really don’t care—I just want to see the guy back in Blue come April. Only now, to be honest, I’m a little worried. With the Dodgers’ latest offer officially on the table (and supposedly only for 48 hours so Juan Pierre can have plenty of time to start lifting weights), why wouldn’t the San Francisco Giants dangle a 2-year deal for $45 million? They’d become favorites in the Western Division overnight, they’d have a replacement for Bonds, and they’d be taking a sledgehammer to the testicles of Dodger fans. And when that happens, you can damn well bet that I’d have Jamie McCourt cleaning up the blood... while I pull out Ned Colletti's moustache hairs one at a time... with a tweezers I've made from Frank McCourt's teeth.
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We’re more than a week into Spring Training, and to be honest, I’m having a lot of trouble really giving a shit. Not that I’m bored or anything by the riveting Luis Maza / Juan Castro competition, or the battle between Shawn Estes, Eric Milton, and Jason Schmidt, but something isn’t quite right. I’m not itching for April. I’m not even itching for March. Hell, I’m not even itching the giant welt that I have on my inner thigh.
Scott Boras has a smile on his face tonight, and it’s not because he just wiped his ass with twenty dollar bills. It’s because in the next few days, someone will have no choice but to give Manny Ramirez a lot of goddamn money. If it’s not the Dodgers, it’ll be the Giants. If it’s not the Giants, it’ll be the Mets. If it’s not the Mets, maybe I’ll start my own team and quickly raise $55 million. Even though there hasn’t been an offer of late other than the Dodgers’ one-year gesture, get ready for that to change. Why? Because teams can’t turn to Adam Dunn anymore, who signed Wednesday with the Nationals. Teams can’t turn to Bobby Abreu anymore, who signed Wednesday with the Angels. Teams are looking at what’s left, and what’s left is Manny. What’s in left—at least for the Dodgers—is Juan Pierre. 
So, two days after Andruw Jones signs a minor league deal with the Rangers, our old pal Jeff Weaver signs a minor league deal with the Dodgers. What do the two players have in common? Well, one was seeking a 4-year, $40 million deal just two years ago, and the other is only a year removed from signing a 2-year, $36 million deal. What else do the two players have in common? Yeah, an agent named Scott Boras. While Weaver never got that $40 million deal he was looking for, the paths of Jones and Weaver are quite similar—mostly in that they offer further evidence that Boras is going to hell. Look, a player doesn’t typically go from demanding $40 million to spending an entire season in the minors a year later—unless that player had no business seeking that kind of money in the first place. Weaver didn’t. Neither did Andruw Jones. But that’s where Boras comes in. If you’re his client, you’ve got to love the guy. If you’re a fan, you’ve got to think he’s a greedy prick. And if you’re a GM, you’ve got to do your best to steer clear of him… until, of course, you wait for his clients’ careers go in the shitter and you can actually get a guy for $500,000 and a new pair of cleats. I’m not sure Weaver is worth the $500,000, but probably the cleats. 
Well, at least it was considerate of Scott Boras not to make everyone wait 48 hours to hear, “Are you douchebags joking?” By late Monday night, just a few hours after Ned Colletti has personally delivered the Dodgers’ latest “offer” to Manny’s agent, the verdict was in: Manny is holding out for a better deal. You know what? Let him hold out until the spring of 2012. I’m tired of this shit. I’m angry that the Dodgers didn’t offer more. I’m angry that Manny Ramirez didn’t settle for less. I’m angry that Scott Boras is a supreme cocksucker (and an incredible businessman). I’m angry that it’s February and the Dodgers still have just three starting pitchers. I’m angry that the seven bowls of chili I had during the Super Bowl are still making their way through my system. And I’m angry that I have a shitload of Think Blues shirts in my house that no one wants to buy. (Speaking of which, stay tuned for the Sale of the Century.)
A free agent saga already longer and more bizarre than any in recent memory took another odd turn on Monday afternoon. The Dodgers, it seems, have made another offer to Manny Ramirez: 1 year, $25 million. Like you, probably, my initial reaction was something like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” One year? To a guy who’s looking for four? One year? To a guy who performed better in the second half of last season than anyone in baseball? One year? To a guy who the Dodgers need like a lesbian needs a tongue?