> JANUARY 2002



January 31, 2002
Dodgers Pick up Big, Fat Bichette

Dante Bichette agreed to a minor league contract with the Dodgers on Wednesday, and the four-time outfielder was invited to spring training as a non-roster invitee. Bichette, 38, signed an incentive-laden one-year contract that pays him $575,000 if he makes the team, and possibly $1 million more based on performance. Bichette hit .286 with 12 homers in 107 games for the Red Sox last season. Bichette had his best seasons with the Rockies (go figure), hitting .340 with 40 homers and 128 RBI in 1995, and .298 with 34 homers and 133 RBI in 1999. Though he may have a shot at winning the left field job if Brian Jordan ends up in center, the Dodgers are primarily looking for Bichette to provide right-handed power off the bench. Yeah, sort of like how Geronimo Berroa did.

January 18, 2002
Dodgers Invite Sixteen Old, Crusty Bastards to Spring Training

According to Dan Evans, eleven pitchers and five position players will be joining the Dodgers in spring training as non-roster invitees. The pitchers include Kevin Beirne, Ricky Bones, Bryan Corey, Robert Ellis, Lindsay Gulin, Mike Johnson, Jesse Orosco, Rafael Roque, Stan Spencer, Dennis Springer and Todd Williams. The position players are Jeff Branson, Angelo Encarnacion, Roberto Kelly, Mike Kinkade and Mark Whiten. Thank god they're giving Branson and Springer a chance to come back. Don't know if the team would be the same without them. Notable among the invitees are Roberto Kelly (who played with LA in 1995) and Mark Whiten (who tied the single-game home run and RBI record about 20 years ago with the Cardinals).

January 15, 2002
Dodgers Dump Sheffield, Get Raped

After two years of rumors, the Dodgers have dumped Gary Sheffield, and got garbage in return. Sheffield was traded on Tuesday to the Atlanta Braves for often-injured outfielder Brian Jordan, piece of crap pitcher Odalis Perez (who missed the entire 2000 season due to injuries), and a minor leaguer who figures to never make it past Single A. Essentially the Dodgers now have nothing to show for Mike Piazza, and a weaker team than they had a day ago. Sheffield did have to go, but at least get a closer or leadoff guy for him. By getting practically nothing in return, Dan Evans has secured his place in Dodger Hell. BURN, DAN.

January 9, 2002
LoDuca has Warts

On the first day of voluntary winter workouts at Dodger Stadium, Paul Lo Duca sat out because of a wart he had removed from his right foot. Frankly, that sounds like a Mike Marshall excuse, but we'll give LoDuca the benefit of the doubt, considering he's one of the only bright spots in the depressing abyss that is now the Dodger organization. In fact, it speaks pretty highly of him that he'd show up despite what must have been a grueling wart operation. Jesus, do we have nothing better to talk about?

January 9, 2002
Dodgers Win Bid for Ishiiiiiii

Left-hander Kazusomething Ishii, one of the top pitchers in Japan, may soon be a Dodger... and no longer a swallower. The Yakult Swallows, Ishii's team for the past nine years, accepted the winning bid of $11,264,055 submitted by the Dodgers. Beating out four other teams, the Dodgers now have until Feb. 8 to sign Ishii. One baseball official said that Dodgers GM Dan Evans arrived at the last five digits by adding a combination of the ages and dates of birth of his children. Which explains why he signed Omar Daal... apparently A is Dan's favorite letter, and Daal has three of them in his name!!

January 2, 2002
New Year, Same Shit with Sheffield

Proving yet again that he's a cancer to the team, Gary Sheffield has begun his pre-season bitching. This time Sheffield says that he's been misled by Dan Evans and is demanding a trade unless the team guarantees he'll be around until 2004. While there's little doubt that Dan Evans & Company lie and deceive, Sheffield needs to shut his fucking mouth and deal with it. Christ, for $11 million a year, the Dodgers should be allowed to paint his balls bright pink without complaint. "I'm not demanding anything, but it's going to have to be either-or," Sheffield told the Los Angeles Times. Apparently someone needs to define for him what a demand is.