> JANUARY 2006

Maybe Ned Colletti knows something the rest of us don't. Maybe he knows that Major League Baseball is on the brink of announcing a revolutionary change to the game: the addition of three more infielders. It'll come as a shock to most general managers, but the Dodgers—who have stockpiled infielders for the past three months as if the species is being discontinued—will be prepared. They added Rafael Furcal. And then Bill Mueller. And Nomar Garciaparra. They re-signed Olmedo Saenz and Hee Seop Choi. And, of course, they still have Jeff Kent, Cesar Izturis, and Oscar Robles. Not to mention rookies Willy Aybar, James Loney, and Andy LaRoche. And don't forget non-roster invitee Chris Truby. All told, the Dodgers have enough infielders to withstand a half-dozen injuries, a couple of kidnappings, and a viscous outbreak of the bird flu. So why not add another guy to the mix? Colletti did just that on Tuesday, inviting utility infielder Ramon Martinez to spring training. Martinez met all three of Colletti's requirements: he's an infielder, he's mediocre, and he played for the Giants.

Big Ned didn't stop there, though. Looking for someone to fill Darren Dreifort's shoes, Colletti invited pitcher Kurt Ainsworth to spring training. Ainsworth was a first-round draft pick (by the Giants, of course) back in 1999, and by 2003 was spending more time in hospitals than on the field. He broke his shoulder blade in '03 (a bizarre injury for a pitcher... or for a human being in general), screwed up his elbow in '04, and missed the entire '05 season with a torn labrum and a torn rotator cuff. If anyone with the Dodgers has a sense of humor, we beg of them to give Ainsworth number 37... and a $55 million contract.

January 26, 2006
This one Borders on insanity

Apparently looking to pick up someone who'd make Sandy Alomar Jr. feel junior again, Ned Colletti signed 42-year-old catcher Pat Borders to a minor league contract on Wednesday. Colletti, who had signed Alomar to tutor Dioner Navarro, evidently felt that Alomar needed a tutor of his own. Colletti had reportedly offered Ernie Lombardi a 3-year deal, but turned his attention to Borders when he learned that Lombardi had died in 1977. Since Borders had been named the World Series MVP just fourteen years ago, Colletti felt it was safe to assume the guy was still alive (if you call playing with the Mariners 'alive').

Barring a catastrophe at the major league level, Borders will likey be used as a backup/mentor to Russell Martin at Triple-A. Considering that Steve Yeager was just added to the Las Vegas coaching staff, however, the addition of Borders seems completely unecessary. Of course, should Dioner Navarro flounder in the majors, Borders could see action with the big club. If that were to happen, the Dodgers would have just about a collective six hundred years of major league experience. (And since it's a good bet that many of those years ended in failure, these guys shouldn't have any trouble adjusting to life in blue.)

As for Borders, when you're in your 40's and signing minor league deals, it's time to just let go. Step away from the ballfield, take off your gear, and go home to see the grandkids.

January 23, 2006
Eight months, eight predictions

The 2005 season may have been a disaster on the field for the Dodgers, but off the field—well, uh, that was a disaster, too. So why should 2006 be any different? Our guess is that 2006 will be remembered not for Nomar Garciaparra's six home runs, not for Jayson Werth's 184 strikeouts, and not for J.D. Drew's major-league record twelve visits to the disabled list. No, sir, the 2006 season will be best remembered for these eight events:

February 28
Maintenance workers at Dodgertown discover Angel Pena living in the lake behind Holman Stadium. Pena growls, swallows one of the workers, and returns to the depths of the lake.

March 8
Derek Lowe re-unites with his wife, Trinka. Heartbroken and unable to support herself, Carolyn Hughes seeks comfort in the arms of Rick Monday. Within hours, however, Hughes tires of Monday's poor grammar and finds her way to Manny Mota's hotel room.

April 11
Cleaning an office, a janitor at Dodger Stadium overhears two front office executives talking about their secret plan to build a seaport in the stadium parking lot. Dodger spokesperson Camille Johnston denies any such scheme, insisting that a seaport would conflict with their plan to launch space shuttles from Lot 10.

May 31
After Mariano Duncan celebrates Kenny Lofton's 63rd birthday with a few pieces of ice cream cake, Dodger players quickly learn that their new first base coach is lactose intolerant. Unfazed by the smell, Olmedo Saenz continues to eat his cake.

June 16
Prior to the Dodger/A's game in Oakland, Jeff Kent and Milton Bradley shake hands behind home plate. Forty-three minutes later, Bradley slides into second base and stabs Kent in the chest with one of his car keys.

July 4
Drowned out by the post-game fireworks show, Frank McCourt executes three members of his newly-hired crisis management team.

August 10
Disguised as a bat boy, Paul DePodesta sneaks into Grady Little's office with a Sharpie and adds Hee Seop Choi's name to the lineup card.

September 23
Turned down by Steve Garvey, Davey Lopes, Bill Russell, and Ron Cey, the Dodgers commemorate the 25th anniversary of their 1981 World Championship team during a pregame ceremony—introducing Ted Power, Jerry Grote, Pepe Frias, and Ken Landreaux.

January 19, 2006
The only man slower than Jason Phillips

Four shortstops? Check. Two closers? Check. Three catchers? Well, Ned Colletti is working on it. After signing Sandy Alomar Jr. as a backup in December, Colletti is reportedly zeroing in on former Angels catcher Bengie Molina. Considering his size, he's not hard to zero in on. Only problem is, the Dodgers don't need him. Molina is a solid hitter, a solid catcher, has a solid arm, and despite the fact it takes him a solid fifteen seconds to run to first base, he'd be a good addition to a lot of clubs—just not the Dodgers. Not now, at least. Not if Dioner Navarro is the future Hall-of-Famer that Paul DePodesta believed he was. Navarro is only 21, but he impressed in 50 games with the Dodgers last season. Not sure what Navarro did over the holidays to piss off Colletti, but the Dodgers' GM is clearly having his doubts. And like a physical therapist at the VA in Westwood, Ned just can't keep his hands off the veterans. Furcal. Lofton. Garciaparra. Tomko. Alomar. Now Molina? There isn't a guy over thirty who Ned doesn't like. (And, judging from his looks, there isn't a sandwich with cheese that he doesn't like, either.) If Molina were to sign, Navarro would likely start the season at Triple-A, meaning he'd either platoon with catching prospect Russell Martin (a bad plan), or Martin would drop back down to Double-A (also a bad plan). Oh, who cares... at least it would be fun to watch a guy get thrown out at first on a base hit to left.

January 15, 2006
There goes the farm

Dipping into what was a rich farm system, the Dodgers traded two pitching prospects (well, one prospect and one prospect-turned-liability) to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in exchange for two relievers on Saturday. The Dodgers get Danys Baez and Lance Carter. The Devil Rays get Chuck Tiffany and Edwin Jackson.

Thus ends the Dodgers' love-hate relationship with the 22-year-old Jackson. Once thought to be the next Sandy Koufax (um, but right-handed... and less knowledgable about Jewish holidays), Jackson did nothing but disappoint in parts of three seasons with the Dodgers. But let's face it—how many 22-year-old pitchers don't disappoint? Jackson's game may have slipped since his famed debut against Randy Johnson in 2003, but it didn't slip nearly as much as the Dodgers' confidence in him. Jackson should be thrilled to begin anew—especially because he's joining the worst team in the major leagues.

Tiffany, 20, is a more curious component of the trade. A second-round pick in the 2003 draft, Tiffany has put up solid numbers in his two minor league seasons, striking out 279 last season at Class-A Vero Beach. With at least two very questionable spots in the Dodger rotation, it's an odd move to deal a guy who could conceivably compete for a spot in 2007. Sought by a number of teams, it seems Tiffany should have at least fetched a better pair than Baez and Carter.

Make no mistake, Baez is a good reliever—better than Duaner Sanchez, Giovanni Carrara, and Yhency Brazoban. Baez had 41 saves and a 2.86 ERA last season for a team that won only 67 games. Carter, however, is nothing much to speak of. A couple years back, in fact, he lost his closing job to Baez. Carter was named an All-Star in 2003, but only because of baseball's absurd rule of having a representative from each team (even if the team doesn't deserve to be in the majors). Yeah, it would have been a huge disappointment for those 17 Devil Rays fans if Carter wasn't on the All-Star team.

This trade may prove to be a good move for the 2005 Dodgers, but beyond that it could be costly. In fact, the acquisition of Baez—a closer—could spell a premature end to Eric Gagne's Dodger career, despite what Ned Colletti may say. The Dodgers got Baez for one of three reasons: (1) They wanted a proven set-up guy for Gagne, (2) They're not convinced Gagne will be at 100% when the season starts, or (3) They're planning on trading Gagne (a free-agent after the season) before the trading deadline. Forgive us for being a little cynical, but we're going with one of the last two.

January 10, 2006
Now you can Furcal him a Dodger

With all the changes in personnel since last season, Dodger fans have been grumbling about the fact that no one on the team is really a Dodger. Kenny Lofton? Nomar Garciaparra? Brett Tomko? Well, at least there's one guy who instantly became a true Dodger on Monday. It was announced that Rafael Furcal, the $39 million shortstop, will undergo arthroscopic surgery on his right knee. Furcal has never had knee problems, but so quickly things change when someone puts on the blue cap. That's okay, though, it's just his knee. After all, he's just the leadoff man. He's just a base stealer. He just has to field balls in the hole and plant to throw. No big deal.

Furcal claims the discomfort in his knee began last season. More likely, the injury is a result of the fact that since his decision to sign with the Dodgers in November, he's been on his knees praying that Yhency Brazoban learns to throw something other than a fastball.

Furcal will become the second Dodger in a week to go under the knife, with Jeff Kent slated to have scar tissue removed from his ailing wrist. In addition to Furcal and Kent, the Dodgers have five other guys coming off of the operating table: Eric Gagne (elbow), Cesar Izturis (elbow), Jayson Werth (wrist), Kelly Wunsch (hip and ankle), and J.D. Drew (shoulder, wrist, and vagina). Good times.

January 7, 2006
The injury bug returns

While the calendar says it's 2006, Friday's news makes it feel a lot like 2005. The Dodgers announced that Jeff Kent—the only Dodger to stay healthy last season—will undergo surgery on his right wrist to remove scar tissue. Kent says that swinging and throwing don't cause him pain, but rather non-baseball activities (proof that married guys do, in fact, still masturbate). Considering that the average age of the Dodger roster is about 112, it's no surprise that they couldn't even make it to spring training in one piece. Kent figures to miss the first 2-3 weeks of spring training, which begs the question: If he was feeling discomfort toward the end of last season, why did he wait until January to have something done about it? Knowing how much the 37-year-old Kent hates spring training—he was overheard last spring grumbling "I'm too old for this shit"—the timing is probably by design. Why ruin the holidays with surgery? Why miss valuable motocross time? Better to be on the shelf in February when you'd otherwise be doing stupid things like getting in shape and learning the names of your teammates.

In even bigger Dodger news, it appears that Mariano Duncan is set to become the Dodgers' new hitting coach. That's right, the man that hit .234 with a .285 OBP in his four seasons with the Dodgers will be teaching guys like Hee Seop Choi how to hit... or, more likely, how to cope with failure. Duncan was the hitting coach at Triple-A Las Vegas in 2005 and Double-A Jacksonville in 2004. Sadly, he no longer has the Jheri curls he sported in the 80's. (He does, however, still have the applicator bottle he stole from Ralph Bryant's locker in '86.)

January 4, 2006
Dodgers make deal, but Seo what

Dodger marketing executives are scrambling to put a hold on their Duaner Sanchez and Steve Schmoll bobblehead orders after the Dodgers traded the pair to the New York Mets on Wednesday. In exchange for the two relievers, the Dodgers get right-hander Jae Seo (who has an impressive 22-24 career record) and left-handed reliever Tim Hamulack (who has ten years of experience... in the minor leagues). "If we can't stop the Duaner bobblehead orders," said a team official, "maybe we can just give Seo number 50 and no one will know the difference." While the Dodgers are in need of a starter, Seo is hardly a lock to make the rotation. He started only 14 games for the Mets last year, and if he wasn't good enough to make more starts than Kaz Ishii, the Dodgers are in trouble. What the trade does indicate is something we've all known for a while: Jeff Weaver, the crankiest dude in the major leagues, won't be back. Weaver went 27-24 as a Dodger, throwing 444 innings over his two seasons in blue. He was certainly a workhorse, but also had the personality of a horse—a horse whose food was pissed in. Screw him. We've got Brett Tomko.