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> JANUARY 2009 January 22, 2009 Dodgers cry Wolf, and Kent... well... he just cries
There’s no denying that Kent was a great hitter, a great competitor… and a great big asshole. Despite his unpleasantness, though, you have to respect the fact that he took the game seriously—even if he took dirt biking a little more seriously. Kent had a Hall-of-Fame career and it must have made him proud to stand in front of the microphone on Thursday knowing that Jose Vizcaino was in attendance. In other Dodger news, Ned Colletti appears close to re-signing Randy Wolf. Sure, the Dodgers desperately need an arm or five, but shouldn’t they think twice about signing someone stupid enough to reject a three-year, $28.5 million offer from Houston? Seriously, according to reports Wolf rejected $28.5 million. Did the dude suffer a head injury that no one knows about? [Note: Apparently reports of Wolf rejecting the offer from the Astros were wrong, and it was Houston that took the offer off the table. Still, though... if that offer is on the table for even half a second, don't you grab it?] January 12, 2009
Regardless, Franklin Stubbs is a Dodger again. On Monday, he was hired as hitting coach at Class A Inland Empire. I guess Danny Heep wasn't available. The Dodgers also hired Tim Wallach as manager of Triple-A Las Vegas (or, as the Dodgers web site is currently reporting, Triple-A Albuquerque). Wallach, of course, has already had three stints with the Dodgers—two as a player and one as hitting coach. While the coaching job ended in 2005 with a contract dispute (he wanted a contract, and the Dodgers didn’t want to give him one), it appears all is forgiven. Funny how that happens in a rough economy. The best part about the hirings of Stubbs and Wallach is the other news that it happened to expose: Lenny Harris is back in the organization, too. I must have somehow missed the news in November (probably along with the rest of the world), but apparently Harris was hired as the Dodgers' senior hitting coach, helping kids at Rookie level and in the Dominican Republic. Harris is a good guy, and supposedly a good coach (lest he be judged on his firing from the Washington Nationals), but even more notably, was my favorite player in the early 90's—back when he was thin enough to actually see his own nutsack. If anyone's interested in about three hundred mint condition Lenny Harris rookie cards (that also have some douchebag named Marty Brown on them), you know who to ask. January 8, 2009
To say Castro is all glove and no bat is an understatement. It’s like saying that Jessica Alba is all vagina and no penis. But to be fair to Ned Colletti, it’s been a long time since Castro was on the Dodgers—maybe he’s learned to pitch since then. He sure hasn’t learned how to hit. Did I mention he can’t hit? The only Dodger infielder I can think of with similar futility and longevity is Dave Anderson—but he had a career average fourteen points higher and played four fewer seasons. It’s truly remarkable that Castro has managed to stay in the majors this long. I don’t care if he can dive for a golf ball shot out of a canon and throw out the goddamn Roadrunner at first base, how can you stay in the majors for fourteen fucking years getting one hit every five at-bats? Meanwhile… is it just me, or might it be a good idea for the Dodgers to find, say, a couple of starting pitchers??? I haven’t heard much about Chad Billingsley’s leg, but if he’s not ready to go Opening Day, the rotation consists of Hiroki Kuroda and Clayton Kershaw. Oh well, I guess that’s good news for the ten piece-of-crap pitchers Colletti signed on Thursday. January 7, 2009
I guess it’s considered powerful to take over one of baseball’s most storied franchises, hire and fire people like there’s no tomorrow (with the exception of Ned Colletti, of course, who’ll be around until the Earth melts), raise the cost of parking while fucking up parking lot circulation, cut back on Fan Appreciation Day each year while buying beachfront homes, attract millions of fans despite having a mediocre product on the field, price the average family out of the ballpark, and then make statements like “We are focused on strengthening our ties to families.” It’s a shame I don’t subscribe to the LA Business Journal because I really would have enjoyed canceling my subscription tonight. In other Dodger news, it’s looking more and more likely that Trevor Hoffman will be the Dodgers’ closer in 2009. And it’s only fair to call him a closer since he’s closer to age 50 than 30, his fastball is closer to 80 mph than 90, and his ERA last year was closer to 4.00 than its been in thirteen years. I’m all for Jonathan Broxton dropping back into a set-up role, but since he’s not the future closer everyone thinks he is, I’d have liked to see the Dodgers bring in someone with more than half a season left in their arm. I guess it’s irrelevant, though, if the Dodgers don’t end up with Manny. With Juan Pierre a fixture in left, how many leads can they possibly have going into the ninth? January 3, 2009
As of Friday afternoon, it appears that yet another one of Colletti’s free agent signings is set to end in shambles. According to multiple reports, the Dodgers and Andruw Jones are parting ways with another year and, oh, about $22 million remaining on his contract. The contract would be restructured to defer much of the $22 million and allow Jones to get a fresh start somewhere else—hopefully in Papua New Guinea. And hopefully Colletti joins him there. Is there anyone who couldn’t see this coming last December when the Dodgers dished out $36 million for a guy who hit .220? It’s completely fucking inexcusable. I don’t know the details of the Dodgers’ settlement with Jones, but now they’ll be paying the guy for the next five or six years... probably to hit home runs for the Giants. Hey, at least it'll improve his ratio of $12 million per home run. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled I won’t have to see Jones in a Dodger uniform ever again, but at what point does someone hold Colletti accountable? Oh, sorry, he just redeemed himself by signing journeyman pitcher Claudio Vargas to a contract. My bad.
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It took seventeen years, but on Thursday Jeff Kent finally found a good use for his moustache: catching tears running down his face. While it wasn’t a surprise to anyone, Kent officially announced his retirement in a mid-day press conference at Dodger Stadium. What was a surprise, however, was that he cried like a little baby whose toy was just taken away. Was he emotional about leaving the game? About losing the camaraderie? About never winning the World Series? Nope, I think he’s upset that he won’t be re-united with Brad Ausmus. 
Since he left the Dodgers almost nineteen years ago in the infamous Terry Wells trade (oh come on, you don’t remember Terry Wells??), I've probably worked Franklin Stubbs' name into conversation, oh, about three thousand times. I've reserved tables at restaurants under his name, I've signed emails from him, and I came very close to naming a pet "Franklin Stubbs" a couple years ago. "Where’s Mom?" my younger sister would ask. "At Franklin Stubbs' house," I'd reply. For some reason, about half the time I open my mouth, "Franklin Stubbs" comes out. Nope, I'm not exactly sure why, but for some reason I feel like I'm not alone. Maybe it's because he was one of the biggest disappointments of the 80's, maybe it was the fact he looked like a complete moron… or maybe it was just his name.
The Dodgers lost out on Trevor Hoffman on Thursday, as the Southern California resident signed with the Milwaukee Brewers, but LA fans looking for a big announcement didn’t have to wait long: Juan Castro is a Dodger again. Castro, who began his illustrious 14-year career with the Dodgers in 1995, was among fifteen douchebags who signed minor league contracts with the team on Thursday. Castro is a career .228 hitter, and the only time during his four-year Dodger career he hit above .200 was in ’95—when he had four at-bats. He hit .205 last season for Baltimore—yet he was their starting shortstop for the second half of the season. Geez, shocking the Orioles didn’t make it to the playoffs.
This morning I happened to walk past the scene of a grisly accident involving a bus and pedestrian. What I saw was nauseating, but not nearly as nauseating as what I read this afternoon: The Los Angeles Business Journal has named Frank and Jamie McCourt LA’s “Power Couple of the Year.”
Ned Colletti must have secret video of Jamie McCourt robbing a liquor store with a dildo. It’s the only possible explanation as to why he still has a job with the Dodgers. The list of his useless acquisitions and absurd contracts to the crippled reads like an 850-page book on Danish politics (or anything else that’s ridiculously long and boring): Jae Seo, Mark Hendrickson, Brett Tomko, Randy Wolf, Bill Mueller, Julio Lugo, Kenny Lofton, Wilson Betemit, Juan Pierre, Gary Bennett, Shea Hillenbrand, Brady Clark, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Schmidt, Mark Sweeney, Esteban Loaiza…