> JULY 2005

Perhaps a gust of wind blew into Jim Tracy's office before the game Sunday and turned his calendar to September 1st, the date that teams have expanded rosters. Tracy should use the wind excuse, because it's the only legitimate explanation for using three guys during one at-bat in the 6th inning. With the bases loaded and two out, Jason Repko—who's been as hot as anyone on the team—was pulled in favor of Antonio Perez. Knowing that Tracy's head is filled with nothing but air and cranberry juice, Tony LaRussa then brought in righty Al Reyes. Like clockwork, Tracy pulled Antonio Perez and replaced him with a lefty, Ricky Ledee. Nothing against Ledee (who later homered to get the Dodgers even in the 8th inning), but you're basically wasting two guys with three innings left in the game. As it turned out, there were actually five innings left in the game. And as it turned out, the Dodgers ran out of players. With the Cardinals up by two in the 11th inning, Tracy was forced to turn to pinch-hitter extraordinaire Jeff Weaver. Big shock that Weaver went down on three pitches. Look, every team has games where they run out of players—but to have an empty bench in the eleventh inning is simply the result of poor managing. Of course, it's not the only example of poor managing in Sunday's game. With the game tied in the bottom of the 9th, Cesar Izturis reached base on a bunt single and Oscar Robles walked. Now you've got three chances to get the winning run in from second base. Instead, Tracy takes the bat out of Milton Bradley's hands by having him bunt—which then takes the bat out of Jeff Kent's hands by opening up first base. Now you've got Olmedo Saenz at the plate with the bases loaded and one out. Not a bad situation, but far less promising than having Bradley and Kent hitting with a guy on second. Saenz proceeded to ground into a double play, and two innings later Jim Edmonds took Wilson Alvarez deep to basically end the game (and maybe Alvarez's career). No worries, though, Jose Valentin is back.

July 30, 2005 - Cardinals 9, Dodgers 4
This Gio is totaled

Things were looking up for the Dodgers on Friday night. They scored four runs in the first inning (proving that the Cardinals aren't completely invincible), Cesar Izturis beat out a grounder to the right side with a perfect slide to avoid a tag (proving that slides into first aren't always a mistake), Jonathan Broxton—making his major league debut—struck out Albert Pujols (meaning that Jim Tracy will inevitably overuse him down the stretch), and rookie Dioner Navarro—in his first start as a Dodger—executed a perfect rundown play (proving that he might be a better fundamental baseball player than some guys twice his age). They went on to beat the Cardinals, 7-5, and briefly found themselves only four games back of San Diego. The joy lasted about 14 hours... until Giovanni Carrara took the ball on Saturday. Down 5-1 early, the Dodgers creeped back into the game, scoring twice in the fourth and once in the fifth. Then, however, Carrara did what he does best: throw balls. After walking two, Carrara finally found the plate—and David Eckstein found the left field stands. If the Dodgers do nothing else before the trading deadline on Sunday, please—for the love of God—let them trade Carrara. Or release Carrara. Or tie Carrara to a raft and let it free in the Pacific. Paul DePodesta should have plenty of time to drive Carrara to the coast since he doesn't appear to be doing anything else. With the trading deadline fast approaching, DePodesta's big moves so far have been to designate Scott Erickson for assignment (something that took so long it even amazed Erickson himself) and trade Joe Thurston to the Yankees for a player to be named later. According to the Kansas City Star, the Dodgers might be in the market for Matt Stairs. We'll tell you right now, if the Dodgers get Matt Stairs, we'll jump on that raft with Gio.

July 28, 2005 - Reds 6, Dodgers 1
Dunn rumors don't hold a mic to this one

With the trade deadline looming, rumors have been swirling around Dodger Stadium of late. Will they get Adam Dunn? Will they deal Jeff Weaver? Will they coax Jesse Orosco out of retirement? The next time you go to ESPN's Rumor Central, however, you might find a rumor that's got a little bit more meat, so to speak. While many Dodgers spent the first half of the season in the trainer's room, one Dodger apparently spent much of the first half in bed—with a local sportscaster. No, Olmedo Saenz isn't banging Kevin Kennedy. (Although if that was your guess, you're not all that far off.) According to sources (who will remain unnamed to protect their careers, their children, and their Billy Ashley autograph collections), the sportscaster for FSN was removed from her postgame interview duties after a Dodger wife contacted the team, upset that a girl with a mic (and a pretty good knowledge of baseball) was sleeping with her husband. Frankly, she should be more upset that her husband has a losing record, but it's really none of our business. What is our business, however, is the fact that the trading deadline is three days away and Paul DePodesta is already getting his excuses ready: there are more buyers than sellers, there are three-way deals that depend on other trades going through, the Dodgers already have help on the way as guys come off the DL... blah, blah, blah. We'd really like to hear what Jason Phillips has to say about all this—too bad his personal interviewer needed a strange mic in her pants. (Allegedly.)

July 26, 2005 - Dodgers 7, Reds 4
Dodgers are only screwing themselves

Of all the times to play decently, the Dodgers pick the week before the trading deadline? Typically stupid. The closer they get to first, the slower Paul DePodesta gets with the phones. After all, why mess with a team that can gain four and a half games in seven days, right? Well, here are four reasons (one for each of Odalis Perez's chins) why you absolutely mess with the Dodgers—especially because of what's happened in the past week:

(1) They happened to win a few games off a couple of mediocre teams at the same time the Padres have gone in the shitter. While you gladly accept the situation, you also realize that it's pure coincidence and not a sign that the current Dodgers are suddenly capable of catching the Padres.

(2) The tighter the race, the more an impact player might actually have an impact. No single player is going to save a team that's ten games back. But, not to sound like Jim Tracy, could a guy concievably be the difference in four or five games down the stretch? Hell yes.

(3) Paul DePodesta felt the need to shake up the 2004 Dodgers at the trading deadline. At the time, they were seventeen games above .500 and coming off of an electrifying stretch of improbable come-from-behind wins. If you tinker with that team, you goddamn well better tinker with this team.

(4) The Dodgers are averaging 46,000 fans a game. Granted most of them don't even know where they are, but 46,000 people are showing up nonetheless—to pay $10 for parking, $8 for beer, and $20 for a ticket to watch a bunch of minor leaguers run around the field in Dodger uniforms. Now it's time for Frank to make good on his $90 million promise and throw the goddamn fans a bone.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers could do themselves a favor and stop winning for the next few days. (With St. Louis coming to town, it shouldn't be a problem.)

July 25, 2005 - Dodgers 4, Reds 0
Lowe gets his crap together

After giving up something like 172 runs over his last six starts, Derek Lowe finally figured out how to pitch on Monday night, shutting down the Reds for eight innings. Rich Aurilia's fifth inning single was the Reds' only hit. For a guy who generally gets hit more than a fat kid who loves to run across the freeway, a one-hitter is quite an accomplishment. It was also a gift to Jason Phillips, who was spared the embarrassment of having to throw a nine-hopper to second base. With the Padres off on Monday, the Dodgers now find themselves five games back—just close enough to keep you interested, but just far enough back to keep you from getting excited.

What Paul DePodesta does in the next week should be interesting. While there's really no chance for anyone in the West to make it past the first round of the playoffs, the Dodgers do appear intent on winning the division—or at least appear intent on pretending that they want to win the division. Obviously, the West is not going to be a tough division to win—a .500 record might do it. If the Dodgers made a major move or two (and they supposedly have the money to do so), there's a pretty decent chance they could gain five games in the standings. A chicken shit trade for someone like Matt Lawton, however, isn't going to get them anywhere. The only thing it would get them is the renewed support of a few thousand retarded fans who are stupid enough to believe that the Dodgers mean business. If they truly mean business (probably a bad choice of words considering that a business is all the Dodgers are to Frank McCourt), they'll add salary, trade a prospect, and release Giovanni friggin' Carrara. (Filling Rick Monday's larynx with cement wouldn't hurt either.)

July 24, 2005 - Mets 6, Dodgers 0
Mr. Anna Benson makes Dodgers look like boobs

While Anna Benson is usually the one in the spotlight, it was her husband's day on Sunday. Kris Benson blanked the Dodgers for eight innings, giving up just four hits and a walk. The Dodgers' first two hits didn't even leave the infield, and the team might as well have never left their hotel. With a week before the trading deadline, the Dodgers are doing very little to force themselves back in the race. The Padres, who lost again on Sunday, are practically on their knees, begging someone to relieve them of first place. So far, though, the Dodgers seem to be passing at the invitation. They're now 0-2 with Milton Bradley back in centerfield (a short, short centerfield at that), and 7-13 in the month of July. Thankfully, July will soon be over and they can work on having an even shittier August.

July 22, 2005 - Dodgers 6, Mets 5
More than one milestone for Tracy

The Dodgers won their third game in a row Friday night, beating the Mets, 6-5. Supposedly the win marked Jim Tracy's 400th victory as a Dodger manager. A better way to say it is that the Dodgers have managed to win 400 games over the past 5 seasons despite Jim Tracy. Regardless, Friday also marked another milestone for Mr. Personality: it was the first time he used his brain during a game. If you looked closely in the eighth inning, you could actually see the smoke billowing from Tracy's ears. With the Mets down by just a run, Cliff Floyd came to bat against Wilson Alvarez. It was the perfect lefty/lefty matchup—the matchup that's given Tracy wet dreams ever since he was named manager of the Dodgers. This time, though, something bizarre happened: he used common sense. (Who even knew he had common sense?) Seeing that Cliff Floyd was 4-for-5 against Alvarez, Tracy brought in Steve Schmoll—hold your breath—a right-handed pitcher. While there's always the possibility that Tracy was confused and thought that Schmoll was a lefty, the more likely explanation is one that we're a little reluctant to accept: somewhere in that boring-looking skull is a tiny wad of brain tissue that's actually alive. If you add a little ketchup on it, you've got a snack for Wilson Alvarez.

July 21, 2005 - Dodgers 1, Phillies 0
Nodalis? No dice.

If major league baseball games were six or seven innings long, Odalis Perez would have more no-hitters than Nolan Ryan. (And if major league baseball games were six or seven innings long, Dodger fans would have to leave in the third inning.) Perez, who seems to take a no-hitter into the late innings at least a couple times a year, did so yet again on Thursday afternoon in Philadelphia. Through five innings, Perez had walked one, struck out five, and hadn't allowed a hit. Leading off the 6th inning, however, Endy Chavez put an endy to the no-hitter, singling to right field. Meanwhile, the Dodgers were busy generously supporting Perez with a whopping five hits of their own—only three of which came after the first inning. Coming off their 10-run explosion on Wednesday, it figured that there would be a calm after the storm. Thankfully for the Dodgers, Yhency Brazoban was calm as well (or lucky, maybe), throwing fastballs that—believe it or not—didn't leave the yard. Brazoban notched his 17th save and the Dodgers won consecutive games for the first time since Wilson Alvarez could walk without a waddle.

July 19, 2005 - Phillies 5, Dodgers 4
He's Jeff Shaw, but darker

Like an asthmatic boy being chased by wolves, Yhency Brazoban is, without a doubt, in an unenviable position. Filling in for Eric Gagne is no picnic. Especially if you're cooking hot dogs and someone forgot to bring the buns. That's lame, you say? Well, it's not nearly as lame as throwing a fastball down the middle to a major league hitter. Brazoban did it twice in the 10th inning Tuesday (mainly because it's the only pitch he has), and the results were not good. After scoring a run in the top of the inning, the Dodgers entered the bottom of the 10th with a 4-3 lead. Three pitches later, the Phillies had won it, 5-4. Yhency now has a 17.00 ERA over his last seven outings. That's fine if you're Scott Erickson and you're coming in when the Dodgers are down by eight runs, but it's not a great thing if you're coming in with the game on the line. Lucky for Yhency, he's pitching for the Dodgers, so the game is rarely on the line. Lucky for fans, it doesn't matter anyway. The Dodgers are 8-1/2 games back of the Padres and a guy named Oscar Robles is their best hitter.

July 17, 2005 - Giants 4 , Dodgers 1
Blame it on Grabowski

The Dodgers are ten games below .500, have lost seven of the last eight, and are just a half game from slipping into fourth place. Obviously, all the fault of Jason Grabowski, who gets one at-bat every three days. On Sunday, Grabowski was told to pack his bags, say goodbye to the four teammates he actually knows, and hop on a bus to Vegas. Saying Grabowski was the problem is like blaming your retarded cat for the fact that you screwed up setting the VCR. Sure, Grabowski wasn't hitting particularly well (ok, fine, he was an automatic out—and funny looking, too), but was he hurting the team more than anyone else on the Dodgers' pathetic roster? Huge move, DePodesta. That should turn things around in no time. Meanwhile, the powerful Dodgers lost on Sunday to the Giants for the third time in four games. Were it not for a generous call in the 9th inning Saturday, the Dodgers would have suffered a 4-game sweep. Shocking that a team could lose with Ricky Ledee batting cleanup. Really, when it gets to the point where you're batting a guy with two home runs in the cleanup spot, wouldn't it just be easier to light the stadium on fire and call it a day?

July 15, 2005 - Giants 6 , Dodgers 0
Dodger lineup is a hit—two, actually

Robles, Izturis, Saenz, Phillips, Perez, Edwards, Werth, Repko, Lowe. And they were out-hit fifteen to two? You don't say. Combined, the entire Dodger lineup had hit 28 home runs this season. Combined, the entire Dodger lineup had all the energy of an unplugged desk fan. Combined, they're even more frightening than they are individually. Also frightening is the fact that Derek Lowe has already matched his career high in home runs allowed—and he's still got half a season to go. Hell of a ground ball pitcher, this Lowe. After he had faced just one batter on Friday night, the Giants had already scored more than enough to win. As a courtesy to fans arriving late, the Dodgers should close the gates as soon as the opposition scores a run. "Save yourself while you can," a flashing sign would read. Unfortunately, there's not much that can save the Dodgers at this point. With Friday's loss they've now lost six in a row and find themselves 8-1/2 games back of the Padres—the freakin' Padres. The time has come for desperate measures. The time has come to recall Buddy Carlyle.

July 14, 2005 - Giants 4 , Dodgers 3
New half, same story

Apparently miracles don't happen in three days. Anyone who thought that the All-Star break would revive the Dodgers and infuse some life into their uniformed corpses was sorely disappointed on Thursday night. While the Dodgers did manage to score three runs—an accomplishment in itself considering they were facing their nemesis Jason Schmidt—they blew chances late in the game, made defensive blunders, and ultimately failed the 46,000 suckers who came out to watch them at the stadium. In other words, they're the same Jason-heavy Dodgers who repulsed fans during the first half of the season (minus Cody Ross, who was sadly sent down to Triple-A). Brad Penny started the second half of the season on a terrific note, getting himself kicked out of the game in the 3rd inning. Penny was safe at first after a bunt, but made a motion toward second base. Ignoring John Shelby's plea to get back on the bag, Penny was tagged out by J.T. Snow. After tossing his helmet and saying something (not nice, we're guessing) to home plate umpire Rob Drake, Penny was quickly tossed. He then tried to eat the umpire, but was somehow restrained by Jim & Jim (who together don't weigh as much as Penny's right leg). D.J. Houlton took over for Penny and did well until Jeff Kent forgot how to catch a baseball. A few pitches later, the Giants were ahead by three. A few innings later, the Dodgers were quietly walking back into their clubhouse, the victim of San Francisco's 10 billionth franchise win. Interestingly enough, Thursday also marked the 10 billionth time the Dodgers have left the bases loaded this season.

July 13, 2005
Rafael Bournigal is alive

We read baseball articles all the time, but rarely do we come across something as mind-blowing as this: Rafael Bournigal, the 132-lb shortstop who played parts of three seasons with the Dodgers in the early 90's, is still alive. Not only that, he's apparently the director of international scouting for the New York Mets. Last week, Bouringal signed 16-year-old Fernando Martinez of the Dominican Republic to a $1.4 million contract. Bournigal immediately killed Martinez, took the money, and used it to bribe baseball-reference.com to erase all evidence of his pathetic career. The good news is, if Rafael Bournigal can become a director of international scouting, there's still hope for Jason Grabowski.

In other Dodger news, no, the first half of the season was not a dream. People named Mike Edwards, Steve Schmoll, Oscar Robles, Mike Rose, Cody Ross, D.J. Houlton, Chin-Feng Chen, and Franquelis Osoria really did wear Dodger uniforms.

July 10, 2005 - Astros 6, Dodgers 5
At the break, Dodgers are cracking

Mercifully, the All-Star break has finally arrived. The Dodgers wrapped up the first half of the season appropriately on Sunday, getting swept by Houston. Now they've got three days to relax, to regroup, and more importanty, to get the hell away from each other. It's been clear all season that the Dodgers are a bunch of strangers—not only to the fans, but to each other. A tight-knit team might be able to weather a hideous 40-48 half. The Dodgers, however, are not a tight-knit team. They're barely a team at all. That said, the losing is evidently taking a toll. Odalis Perez was the first to crack—at least the first to do so publicly. In shades of his tirade a year ago, Perez blasted his coaches, the relief pitching, and anyone wearing blue who isn't headed to the Hall of Fame. "People going to the Hall of Fame I respect," Perez said on Sunday. "That guy Jeff Kent I respect. But there are other people who think they are superstars. No, they aren't." Wonder if there was a mirror nearby when Perez made that comment. Wonder, too, whether Perez has ever been introduced to "that guy Jeff Kent." Sounds like they're pretty close. Awesome chemistry. Exciting season. Can't wait for the second half... to be over.

July 8, 2005 - Astros 3, Dodgers 2
Right down the f'ing pipe

On Wednesday we wrote about our sudden acceptance of the Dodgers' mediocrity. The expectations have become so low, we explained, that there's nothing frustrating anymore about a loss. Since the anger has faded, we reasoned, there'd be no desire to punch your dog the next time a Dodger pitched threw an 0-2 pitch down the middle. What a load of shit. When Yhency Brazoban grooved an 0-2 pitch to Morgan Ensberg with the winning run on second base in the ninth inning Friday night, that dog took a serious beating. Poor thing. Really, what the hell is it with 0-2 pitches over the plate? What ever happened to wasting a pitch? Jesus christ, man, pitchers learn that crap in little league—which goes to show that Jim Colborn isn't even qualified to coach 11-year-olds. Speaking of 11-year-olds, most of them would have come closer to making the catch of Ensberg's fly ball than Jason Repko and Cody Ross did. It looks like they're both white guys, but maybe they don't speak the same language. Someone should check into that.

July 6, 2005 - Dodgers 9, Rockies 5
No expectations, no disappointment

The minor leaguers in Dodger uniforms beat the minor leaguers in Rockies uniforms on Wednesday, and when you're not expecting it, a win is pretty cool. When expectations are low (or gone altogether), there's nothing these Dodgers can do to disappoint. They can't fail you, they can't frustrate you, and they can't anger you. It's pretty healthy, actually. No more throwing your hands up in disgust when the Dodgers leave the bases loaded. No more punching your dog in the face when a Dodger pitcher throws an 0-2 pitch right down the middle. No more vomiting up your mac & cheese when a Dodger pinch-hitter lays down a sacrifice bunt right back to the mound. You've got a new attitude—you don't expect a goddamn thing. You turn on the TV, but there's no knots in your stomach. There's no sweat on your brow. There's no poop in your pants by the 8th inning. The TV is on, but you only glance at it once every 15 minutes or so. Every time you look, Mike Edwards is up. But it doesn't bother you when he stikes out. It's pissed you off to no end when J.D. Drew chased one out of the zone—but Mike Edwards? Who cares! He's supposed to strike out. And when he doesn't, party! It was definitely a party on Wednesday. Antonio Perez had five RBIs, Jason Repko raised his average to a robust .206, and the Dodgers only made two errors. It's fun rooting for a shitty team.

July 5, 2005 - Rockies 6, Las Vegas 51s 1
Nancy Bea lands on 15-day DL

Unable to find any players left to put on the disabled list, the Dodgers on Tuesday placed organist Nancy Bea Hefley on the 15-day DL, retroactive to 2002 (the last time they actually let her play the organ). To replace her at the keys, the Dodgers have purchased the contract of organista Helenita Della from Mexico City. "I figured I'd better shut it down before I hurt the team," Hefley said. "There's no sense pushing it now and then missing crucial games in September. Now I can go downstairs and chill with Milton." Hefley joins 112 other Dodgers on the disabled list. In fact, it's no longer a list. It's a four volume bound set. Kim Ng thought she was grabbing an encyclopedia from Paul DePodesta's office on Tuesday. "Kim," yelled DePodesta, "That's not an encyclopedia—it's F-K of the disabled list. And how many goddamn times do you have to look up the word harrassment? Get the hell out of my office. And stop wearing that ugly blouse."

Meanwhile, it's time for the Dodgers to just throw in the towel. With Izturis going on the DL and Kent obviously disinterested in playing anymore, there's absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, Ricky Ledee is almost ready to come back? Terrific, let's all go buy some more tickets. Seriously, it's time for the front office to get some balls and tell the fans that 2005 is over. Hey, there's no shame in admitting failure. It happens. You can't win every year—especially with the injuries they've had. But with all that's gone on, let's not make it any worse. At this point there's absolutely no reason to trade prospects for a guy like Brett Boone, Juan Encarnacion, or Randy Winn. Even if those guys were to assure the Dodgers of winning the pathetic West (and trust us, they wouldn't), what's going to happen when the Dodgers run up against real teams in the playoffs? You know the answer to that question, and Paul DePodesta does too. That's why any trade the Dodgers make in the next couple weeks will be done purely for show—purely as a bone thrown to fans. You're showing up in record numbers even though the team is a total disaster? Thank you, here's Preston Wilson, who'll make Jose Valentin look like Tony Gwynn. Now keep showing up, please. And buy more cotton candy.

July 4, 2005 - Dodgers 4 , Rockies 3
Oscar trashes Colorado

With J.D. Drew on the DL, we all know the Dodgers' fate rests in the hands of one guy. What we didn't know is that that guy is Oscar Robles. While Jeff Kent went 1-for-4 on Monday (his only hit coming on a wind-blown pop-up), it was Oscar Robles who carried the team, going 5-for-6 with the game-winning hit in the 11th inning. Robles' five hits equal the number of hits Cesar Izturis has had in his last 50 at-bats. Maybe Oscar can wear Izturis' uniform to the All-Star game. Hell, maybe he can wear Kent's uniform to the All-Star game. Kent may not have looked like an All-Star with the bat Monday, but his mouth did the talking. After getting nailed by a Byung-Hyun Kim pitch in the first inning, Kent took a few steps toward the mound, yelling "You want a piece of me?" Kim seemed confused at first, but then responded to Kent. "I don't want a piece of meat," Kim yelled back. "I ate before the game, but thank you anyway." Unfortunately no punches were thrown, but Kent's message was clear: he doesn't want to play anymore. With the Dodger roster in shambles, Kent was hoping for an early ejection so he could grab a couple beers in downtown Denver. Frankly, you can't blame him.

July 3, 2005 - Diamondbacks 10, Dodgers 3
Last man standing

And then there was one. Jeff Kent is it. Maybe there's something magical about his moustache. Maybe there's something special about his sour personality. Or maybe he's just a lucky old man. Whatever the explanation, Jeff Kent has been able to do what no other starter on the team has done: avoid disaster. (He might beg to differ, of course, citing his decision to sign with the Dodgers the biggest disaster of his career.)

The Dodgers lost to the Diamondbacks on Sunday, and then found out after the game that they lost J.D. Drew for at least a couple of months. Drew suffered a broken wrist when hit by a Brad Halsey pitch in the fifth inning. Since Drew's bones are made of tracing paper, Halsey's 60-mph fastball hurt real bad. Here's something else that hurts real bad: the Dodgers paid Shawn Green about $61,000 to blissfully drive in three runs against them on Sunday. While you can't blame Green for smiling, it makes us want to bash his face in. Or at least break his wrist. No worries, though, it's not as if the Dodgers are fielding the biggest bunch of fuck-ups they've ever had. Oh wait, yes it is. You can chalk it up to injuries, chalk it up to youth, chalk it up to sound-effects that make Dodger Stadium feel like a minor league field... chalk it up to whatever you want—the fact is these guys are a nightmare to watch.

In the second inning Sunday, Jason Phillips tried to throw out Chad Tracy stealing second. Phillips' throw might have had Tracy... if second base was 30 feet into right-center. In the 3rd inning, Mike Edwards decided it would be a good idea to stretch a double into a triple with the Dodgers down by five runs. Brilliant. An inning later, Antonio Perez came to bat after Brad Halsey had just walked two guys and hit a batter earlier in the inning. What does Perez do? Swings at the first goddamn pitch. Soon after that, Cody Ross—in for Edwards—overran a ball in right field. Actually, "overran" is just a nice way of saying he missed it. Forty-eight thousand people a night deserve more than that. (Well, at least forty-seven thousand of them deserve more. The other thousand are punks who should choke on their nacho cheese sauce.)

July 1, 2005 - Dodgers 7, Diamondbacks 0
It all goes right, if just for a night

It's seldom that we can say this—and as weird as it may sound—the Dodgers actually played a good game Friday night. We kept waiting for them to drop a pop-up, give up a 3-run bomb, or roll over and play dead, but the only thing they seemed to do was score runs. Very strange. From before the game even started to the last out, it was the rare night where things seemed to come together for the Dodgers. It may be generations before we see anything like it again, so here's what happened:

After extended absences, Odalis Perez and Glenn Hoffman rejoined the team. (Hoffman did seem a little confused, though, asking why Paul Lo Duca wasn't starting.)

Mike Edwards hit his first major league home run. (And since the ball landed in the Dodger bullpen, Edwards will be able to sell it on eBay.)

Dodger nemesis Craig Counsell went 0-for-4. (After the game, the rodent was seen gnawing on a block of cheese in the corner of the Diamondbacks' clubhouse.)

Oscar Robles had three hits and two RBIs. (To be fair, though, he also made the stupid mistake of trying to get from second to third on a grounder to short and put down a terrible squeeze bunt, only to be saved by Javier Vazquez's crappy throw.)

Jason Repko put his friggin' life on the line to catch a fly ball in the 6th inning. (He hit the wall so hard he may have actually lost some hair from his eyebrows.)

Brad Penny pitched eight scoreless innings, giving up just three hits. (He also scared the living crap out of Luis Gonzalez, who made the mistake of whining to Penny about a tag. You don't fuck with Penny—he'll eat your whole family.)

Perhaps the most unusual thing to come out of the game actually came out of J.D. Drew's mouth: words.

Very strange, indeed.