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> JULY 2006 July 31, 2006 Colletti pulls the trigger (just the wrong one)
First of all, we've got nothing against Greg Maddux or Julio Lugo. It's just that Maddux and Lugo don't do very much to help the Dodgers at this point. We'll start with Maddux, and we'll assume that he's still got something left (a risky assumption). Even if he was to win six games for the Dodgers over the next two months, will that make a difference? You've got to figure that whoever's spot Maddux takes in the rotation might have won three or four games himself over that stretch, so they're really just buying two or three more wins. Cesar Izturis for three wins? It doesn't seem worth it. Even if those three wins put the Dodgers over the top and get them into the playoffs, how long do you think this Dodger team would last? Three games against the Cardinals or four? Maddux has a career record of 10-10 in the postseason, so it's not even as if they're getting a sure thing. Yeah, it might be fun to watch a future Hall-of-Famer wear Dodger Blue for a little while, but at the expense of losing one of the smoothest fielders in the game? Deprived of the excitement of Eric Gagne, fans could always find some joy in watching Izturis do his thing out in the field. Not anymore. The Joel Guzman for Julio Lugo trade is even more perplexing. Is Colletti intent on having every middle infielder in the game? They trade one shortstop who they don't have room for, and thirty seconds later pick up another one—from the Devil Rays, no less, who seem to have a knack for passing guys on to L.A. (Danys Baez, Lance Carter, Mark Hendrickson, Toby Hall). While Lugo probably has more talent than all four of those guys combined, was he really what they needed? Great, he'll play second base until Kent comes back, but then what? When asked where Lugo might play at that point, Colletti said that he couldn't predict things. When asked whether the Dodgers would try to bring Lugo (a free agent) back after the season, Colletti said that he hadn't really thought about it. Hadn't thought about it? You trade one of your top prospects (granted, a guy who showed signs of being a problem child) for a guy who's a free agent after the season and you don't look beyond two months? Again, nothing against Lugo, but this whole thing wreaks of confusion. Short of picking up guys he's known in the past or guys who've spent time playing in Tampa Bay, Colletti doesn't appear to have any kind of cohesive strategy. It's great that he's got the balls to make a move, but come next season, will the Dodgers have anything to show for it? July
30, 2006 -
Dodgers 4, Nationals 3
Sadly for Hendrickson, the rest of his performance was no smoother. He walked seven in six innings, and is still winless as a Dodger. With the help of three home runs, however, the Dodgers kept pace with the Nationals. Jose Cruz's pinch-hit home run in the seventh tied the game at three, and Cesar Izturis's double in the eighth pushed across the eventual winning run. (Cruz, by the way, should have been traded before he even finished circling the bases. His value has never been higher, and the Dodgers should accept a set of colored pencils for him while they can.) So, the Dodgers sweep the last-place Nationals and still find themselves in last place, five games back. With the trading deadline hours away, the questions are mounting. Will Izturis still be a Dodger on Tuesday? Will Joel Guzman still be a Dodger on Tuesday? Will Ned Colletti's ass still be bleeding on Tuesday? Though most Dodger fans seem to agree that it can only do harm, the Dodgers figure to make a move or two before the deadline. So who's coming to L.A.? The latest rumors have the Dodgers interested in Miguel Tejada, something that makes perfect sense considering that half the team already plays shortstop and Tejada is owed $38 million over the next three seasons. Alfonso Soriano probably won't be moving anywhere, Greg Maddux would command too much in return (even for Colletti), and sadly Todd Benzinger can't be found. In other words, look for the Dodgers to activate Mariano Duncan. July
29, 2006 -
Dodgers 7, Nationals 5
It's amazing... two lousy wins and everyone seems to forget about the fact that they just went through their most miserable stretch in L.A. history. Oooh, Jonathan Broxton picked up his first save. Wow, Russell Martin knocked in four runs. Rub my nuts, Elmer Dessens pitched two scoreless innings. Hell, let's cancel our plans for October! July
28, 2006 -
Dodgers 13, Nationals 1
The Dodgers knocked out thirteen runs, hit three home runs, batted around twice, and limited the Washington Nationals to seven hits. Chad Billingsley still couldn't find the plate, but he gave up just a run over six innings. Billingsley has the Dodgers' only two victories since the All-Star break. Minutes before the game, the Dodgers announced they had dealt Danys Baez and Willy Aybar to the Braves for third baseman Wilson Betemit... since you can never have enough turnover in the infield. "He's here to play third base," said Ned Colletti. "He's a good hitter. He's someone we're going to have here for a while." Sure, unless he gets hit with the Colletti Curse. Of the dozen or so guys who Colletti has brought in since he's been general manager, most are either out for the season, in the minors, or have been traded. Bill Mueller is done. Nomar Garciaparra is hurt. Kenny Lofton isn't a hundred percent. Lance Carter is gone. Tim Hamulack is in the minors. And Jae Seo, Sandy Alomar, and Baez have all been traded. Perhaps if Colletti thought things out in the first place, he wouldn't have to trade a guy three months later. Whether Wilson Betemit turns out to become anything special or not (not), Friday's trade seems like it was made for a few reasons: (1) The Dodgers have convinced themselves that Willy Aybar doesn't have a position, (2) Danys Baez sucks, and (3) Colletti really wants to trade Cesar Izturis and Betemit gives them a replacement. We truly fear what's next. July
25, 2006 -
Padres 7, Dodgers 3
It was appropriate that Mike Piazza was at Dodger Stadium on Tueday when Odalis Perez was traded. Perez was the Dodgers' last link to Piazza, having been acquired with Brian Jordan in exchange for Gary Sheffield, who, of course, had come to L.A. for Piazza. Now, eight years after the trade, the Piazza baton has been passed on to Elmer Dessens. After spending parts of the '04 and '05 seasons in L.A. (even though most Dodger fans wouldn't even recognize him at an autograph signing), Dessens returned to the Dodger bullpen just before Tuesday's game. Immediately looking to save money, the Dodgers handed him uniform #45—still smelling like the Dominican who wore it hours earlier. "Um, these zapatos don't fit," complained Dessens. "Shut up and put them on," responded Ned Colletti. "And just spray some Lysol in that hat." Maybe he should have sprayed down the entire Dodger team, considering the stink of late. It didn't get any better on Tuesday as the Dodgers lost their twelveth out of the last thirteen, lost Nomar Garciaparra before the game, and lost Danys Baez to injury in the eighth inning. (Come to think of it, can you really call a Baez injury a "loss"?) The Padres scored seven runs off Dodger pitching (three off of Baez in 1/3 of an inning), and Chan Ho Park limited his former team to three runs in six innings. More impressive than that, Park didn't kick any one in the chest. And even more impressive than that, the Dodgers drew 51,334 to this shithole of a game. Just goes to show, the McCourts could put porcipines in uniforms and just so long as they give away a couple baseball cards to everyone under 14, they'd draw 50,000. God are they lucky that people in L.A. are retarded. July
24, 2006 -
Padres 7, Dodgers 6
In typical Dodger fashion, they prolonged the agony on Monday night, going eleven innings to prove how much they suck. Frankly, the game should still be going on. With two outs and nobody on in the top of the eleventh, a pop fly to center bounced in between Ramon Martinez and centerfielder Jose Cruz (enough with the Jr. shit, he's a grown man). You can call it "no man's land" out there, but even a girl should have caught that ball. Cruz pulled back not because he couldn't get to the ball, but because he was afraid of crashing into Martinez... as if the Dodgers couldn't do without either of them. The next batter singled, the run came in, and five minutes later the Dodgers were done. If the Dodgers are ten games above .500, Cruz catches the ball, the Dodgers get a run in the bottom of the eleventh, and everyone goes home happy. Instead, only Andre Ethier goes home happy, having gone 4-for-5 with two home runs. Oh, the joy. July
23, 2006 -
Cardinals 6, Dodgers 1
Having lost 10 of 11 since the break, you can't even term the Dodgers' collapse a "downward spiral" or a "nose dive". It's just a total friggin' implosion. Unable to take it any longer, the Dodgers' head usher retired on Sunday. You can look at the half-empty stands on Sunday and blame it on the heat, but it's not that. It's that no one can bear to watch shitty baseball... even for free lip gloss, which the first 45,000 fans will receive next Saturday. Make sure to get to the stadium early! You don't want to miss out on that... or on the free enema kits they'll give out in August. So now what? A trade before the deadline? There are rumors about a few guys, but do you really think Greg Maddux would make a difference for the Dodgers, even if he snapped out of his 3-month funk? Adding one player—regardless of his impact—isn't going to help the Dodgers considering how deep their problems run. They'd really have to pick up three guys (a starter, a reliever, and a power hitter) to have a shot at winning the division. And even if Ned Colletti was able to find three guys who fit the bill, he'd have to rape the farm system to get them. If you're flirting with first place and you need one guy to put you over the top, it makes sense to deal a prospect—after all, that's one of the reasons why you have a minor league system. But dealing one prospect is not going to bring the Dodgers anything significant enough to propel them into contention. And dealing two or three prospects without any guarantee that it would make a difference is just plain stupid. Let's be realistic: the Dodgers are done. A team that exudes mediocrity at this point in the season (and we're being kind by only calling it mediocrity) isn't going to suddenly turn things around in the final two months. It might be frustrating to watch the trading deadline pass without the Dodgers making a move to improve themselves, but that's exactly what they need to do—nothing. Of course, we all know Frank McCourt better than that. We know he panics when the heat is turned up, so don't be surprised if Colletti—under orders from his boss—picks up a piece of crap like Casey Fossum just to show fans they're trying. Finally, peace out to Sandy Alomar, Jr., who the Dodgers traded to the White Sox after the game. While Alomar is lucky enough to join a team that's 19 games over .500, the Dodgers are actually closer to first place. Go fuckin' figure. July
21, 2006 -
Cardinals 2, Dodgers 0
Suppan, who came into the game with an ERA of nine on the road, didn't give up a run to the Dodgers in seven innings Friday night. Cardinal relievers completed the shutout, although we all know that Vin Scully could probably pitch two scoreless innings against the Dodgers these days. Maybe three innings. The four through seven spots in the lineup went 0-for-13 on Friday, and Dodgers hit into two double-plays. It wasn't a total loss, though, as fans went home with brand new lanyards, compliments of the generous Dodgers. Nothing says "Thanks for being the greatest fans" like a DHL lanyard. Finally, we'd like to congratulate Giant fans on their new acquisition: Shea Hillenbrand. We look forward to him ruining any chance the Giants have of winning the division. July
20, 2006 -
D'Backs 5, Dodgers 2
Now, anger is a different story. You don't need pain to experience anger. All you need is Rafael Furcal in the leadoff spot, Jose Cruz anywhere in the lineup, or Grady Little sitting quietly on the bench trying to figure out how not to use a guy who's batting .339 this season. We're twenty days into July and Sandy Alomar Jr.'s ninth inning at-bat was just his second at-bat of the month. If he's too old to have more than three at-bats a month, what's he doing on the team? If he's not healthy enough, why is he not on the DL? If he's actually done moderately well when given the opportunity, why not give him a goddamn bat and send him to the plate? Paying a guy $650,000 to take up the lineup card is a complete joke. It's not as funny, though, as the Dodgers having expressed interest in Shea Hillenbrand. Recently sent packing by the Blue Jays because he's a supreme asshole, Hillenbrand would give the Dodgers another third baseman—probably making Cesar Izturis expendable (as least as far as Ned Colletti is concerned). While we're talking typical, what would be more typical than the Dodgers picking up a malcontent prick-face scumbag so they can get rid of a fan favorite Gold Glove award winner? If that's the plan, why not just put Izturis on Craigslist, let Shea Hillenbrand rot in hell, and fill a plastic bag with horseshit and call it your third baseman? July
19, 2006 -
D'Backs 8, Dodgers 0
Look, we can accept the fact that they're not very good, but can't they at least look like they're trying? Can't they show any goddamn intensity at all? Earlier this season it felt like there was some excitement in the dugout, some life in the clubhouse. Now it feels like a bunch of guys going through the motions, passing time until they die. For many Dodger fans, death would be preferable to watching J.D. Drew ground out to the right side. On a positive note, Craig Counsell is on the disabled list so we don't have to see him go 9-for-12 against the Dodgers this week. July
17, 2006 -
D'Backs 8, Dodgers 3
It's becoming increasingly clear that 2006 will be no different. The Dodgers started off playing .500 ball, brought up some rookies to generate excitement, and now—in a matter of a week or two—have turned the Caca Corner. They've turned on the Fecal Faucet. They've opened the Doodie Door. They've yet to win a game after the All-Star break, and after Monday night's 8-3 loss to Arizona, it even appears that they're regressing. They can't put together an offensive rally, they can't track down fly balls, and they can't cover first base. On Monday, they didn't even have Odalis Perez to blame. Aaron Sele gave up five runs in as many innings, Joe Beimel got rocked for three more, and the Dodgers grounded into two badly timed double-plays. And to top it off, poor Vinny now has another pair of brothers whose names he can mix up. Hell, give it another month or two and J.D. Drew might be headed for the Crappy Brother list. July
16, 2006 -
Cardinals 11, Dodgers 3
The Cardinals' sweep marked the first time since 1987 that they've swept a four-game series from the Dodgers. After the way the Dodgers played over the weekend, you've got to wonder what exactly they did over the All-Star break. Aren't guys supposed to come out of the break feeling refreshed and rejuvenated? Not the Dodgers, who scored a total of six runs in the four-game series. Good times. July
15, 2006 -
Cardinals 2, Dodgers 1
The Dodgers failed to take advantage of a bases loaded, no-out situation in the eighth inning, but the Cardinals took advantage of a Dodger mistake in the 10th to win the game. With one out, David Eckstein reached base on an infield single against Danys Baez. Pinch-hitter John Rodriguez lined out to Rafael Furcal, but Furcal's hurried throw to first glanced off the glove of Nomar Garciaparra. What should have been an inning-ending double-play instead advanced Eckstein to second, putting the winning run in scoring position. After an intentional walk to Pujols, Scott Rolen's blooper ended it. After three very pathetic games against the Cardinals, it's time for the Dodgers to step it up. Really, it's time for the veterans to step it up. Jeff Kent has been completely useless, Nomar Garciaparra may never get a hit again, and Rafael Furcal might as well chop off his own legs since he never seems to get on base. If the Dodgers are going to remain in contention, they don't need Andre Ethier and Russell Martin to post superhuman numbers. They need the guys making the big bucks to start doing their goddamn jobs. (No, Ricky Ledee, this doesn't mean you—you're only making $1.5 million.) July
13, 2006 -
Cardinals 3, Dodgers 2
Great start to the second half. Chad Billingsley walks five in as many innings, Jeff Kent returns to go 0-for-3, Giovanni Carrara gives up a game-tying bomb in the seventh inning, and another four hours wasted listening to Charley Steiner. Can't wait until Ned Colletti trades Cesar Izturis for a case of ginger ale. July
11, 2006 -
AL 3, NL 2
For 8+ innings it looked like the National League might actually win their first All-Star game in a decade, but it wasn't meant to be. Was that Trevor Hoffman on the mound in the 9th inning, or Glenn Hoffman? Sucks for the National League team that makes it to the World Series without getting home field advantage. Thankfully for the Dodgers, they've got nothing to worry about. July
9, 2006 -
Dodgers 3, Giants 1
The Dodgers ended the first half with a 3-1 win over the Giants. Aaron Sele pitched six innings, striking out seven and allowing just an earned run. While the Dodgers only managed seven hits, they beat Jason Schmidt—and, for nine innings at least, actually resembled a decent team. With the win, they go into the break feeling good about themselves. Frankly, they shouldn't. They may have won on Sunday, but all it accomplished was a split with the Giants. Not good enough, despite what rookie Russell Martin had to say about the Dodgers' near .500 record: "If we keep playing this way I think we have a chance of running away with it." We see it a little differently: If they keep playing like this, they'll be sitting at home come October. Or more likely, they'll be sitting in hospital beds. Jeff Kent is hurt, Kenny Lofton is hurting, Eric Gagne is done, Yhency Brazoban is long gone, Bill Mueller is done, Brett Tomko is on the DL, Ricky Ledee is still out, J.D. Drew is due for a ruptured spleen any day now, and Jayson Werth is... uh... well, who cares. Even aside from the injuries, the Dodgers have plenty of problems to address. Their bullpen is still very shaky, the starting rotation isn't much better, and you have to walk halfway around the goddamn stadium to find a spoon. Sure, there are bright spots, but the holes are glaring. If you want to ignore all that and pretend like Andre Ethier is going to carry the team for three months, go ahead. We, however, have no choice but to see the glass as half empty. (Actually, it's about 5/8 empty, but that's just because Olmedo thought it was a milkshake and took a sip.) July
7, 2006 -
Dodgers 9, Giants 7
Gagne's three-year stretch between 2002 and 2004 was unlike any other, and he certainly doesn't deserve to have it end on the operating table. But baseball, like life, just isn't fair. Terry Mulholland's career lasts twenty years, and Gagne is done after seven? It sure didn't help that Jim Tracy would use Gagne five or six days in a row, and sometimes for three innings at a time, but you can't put all the blame on Tracy. Some should be put on Jim Colborn, some on the medical staff, and a lot on Gagne himself for lying his ass off every time management asked if he was feeling ok. But this isn't a time for blame. It's a time for fear—fear that for many years to come, the 9th inning will be in the hands of the Jeff Shaw's, Todd Worrell's, and Dany Baez's of the world. On Friday night, the 9th inning was in the hands of Takashi Saito. Thankfully the Dodgers had a three run lead, because Saito looked typically shaky. The Giants inched to within two, but Saito struck out Pedro Feliz to end it. Nomar Garciaparra continued his torrid pace, hitting a tie-breaking 2-run homer in the eighth inning, and the Dodgers pounded out fifteen hits. Chad Billingsley started the game and allowed four earned runs in 5 1/3 innings, including a 3-run homer to Barry Bonds. Billingsley looks mediocre at best, which makes him a perfect fit in the Dodgers' rotation. Between Billingsley, Mark Hendrickson, Brett Tomko, Odalis Perez, and Aaron Sele, there isn't a single guy the Dodgers can rely on to give them a quality start. It's not a man's job, but Ned Colletti better be out shopping. July
6, 2006 -
Giants 5, Dodgers 4
Whatever joy there was over Nomar's achievement, however, quickly disappeared as soon the game started on Thursday. The first three Giants reached base and scored, and by the third inning, the Dodgers were down 5-0... to a team full of guys who barely younger than their 95-year-old manager. The Dodgers certainly had opportunities to get back in the game, but settled for a run here and a run there. The Dodgers loaded the bases twice in the first five innings, but only got two runs out of those rallys—one on a sac fly by Andre Ethier and one on a double-play grounder by Ramon Martinez. It's a little curious why Martinez was batting fifth and Ethier sixth, but when you realize that it's Grady Little making out the lineup, it's a wonder Olmedo Saenz isn't leading off. Oh, and unless there's such a thing as torso replacement surgery, Eric Gagne's career is over. Again. July
5, 2006 -
Dodgers 5, Diamondbacks 2
Thankfully, they are capable of beating the Diamondbacks. On Wednesday, Brad Penny earned his tenth win, Andre Ethier hit his sixth home run, and Cesar Izturis, Rafael Furcal, and Matt Kemp each had two hits. While there were no bench-clearing brawls as we had hoped, Danys Baez did hit Luis Gonzalez with a pitch in the eighth inning. Gonzalez glared at Baez, but if Baez intentionally hit a guy to bring tying run to the plate, he's an even bigger moron than we think. Finally, how appropriate was it that on the day Eric Gagne checks himself into a hosptial for back pain, the current Dodger closer comes a hair away from blowing a 3-run lead with two outs in the ninth? After getting the first two batters of the inning, Takashi Saito walked two and gave up two singles—before finally striking out Conor Jackson to end it. As for Gagne, it's time to take his career off of life support. His body has gone the way of Darren Dreifort (and his hair the way of Odalis Perez). July
4, 2006 -
Dodgers 11, Diamondbacks 3
The Dodgers and Diamondbacks conclude their series Wednesday night, and things could get interesting. After the D'Backs hit four Dodger batters on Monday, J.D. Drew was hit in the knee in the fifth inning on Tuesday. While Drew's knee didn't split in half as most of us would expect, the Dodgers retaliated later in the game, plunking Shawn Green with two outs in the ninth. Luis Gonzalez launched into an expletive-filled tirade after the game, calling Danys Baez and Grady Little "gutless." Maybe if Gonzalez took out that agression on the baseball he'd have more than six home runs and the Diamondbacks wouldn't be in last place. Old crab. July
3, 2006 -
Dodgers 10, Diamondbacks 4
Other than Garciaparra, the Diamondbacks couldn't make contact with much on Monday. The heart of the Diamondbacks' lineup went 0-for-12, and the team left twelve guys on base. The Dodgers did one better, leaving thirteen guys on base, but did manage to score ten runs. Andre Ethier rebounded from a four strikeout nightmare on Sunday to go 4-for-5, and three Dodgers had two hits each. It was status Kuo for the Dodger bullpen, though—or at least for Hong-Chih. The Dodger rookie worked two innings, giving up four hits, a walk, and two runs. Yes, we're big fans of his. Finally, is there anything more enjoyable than watching Craig Counsell committ two errors in one inning? While one was later taken away, there's something special about seeing that rat-boy squirm. Are we still bitter that he hit .218 as a Dodger? Um, yeah. |
At
about 12:55 today, things were looking good. No announcements, no
new rumors, no sign that anything was about to go down. Just as
we were about to give Ned Colletti credit for standing pat and resisting
the temptation to trade tomorrow for a slightly better today, there
flashed the news: The Dodgers had traded Cesar Izturis to the Cubs
for Greg Maddux. Before we could even digest the pointlessness of
that move, it got even more ridiculous: The Dodgers had traded Joel
Guzman to Tampa Bay for shortstop Julio Lugo. 
Some
things will always be funny. A bird shitting on someone's head?
Funny. A grandparent farting during dinner at a Chinese restaurant?
Funny. A tall person falling in front of 44,000 people? Very
funny. It happened to Mark Hendrickson on Sunday as he made a pitch
to Washington pitcher Ramon Ortiz in the second inning. Hendrickson's
spikes caught, and the 6-foot-9 pitcher crashed to the ground like
a telephone pole in a hurricane. For those lucky enough to record
the game, Hendrickson's special moment provided hours of entertainment
Sunday afternoon. Would you take time to eat dinner or just replay
Hendrickson's fall another three dozen times? 
Timed
perfectly to give Ned Colletti the false hope he needs to pull the
trigger on a couple unnecessary trades, the Dodgers have suddenly
won two games in a row. Had their streak of futility continued deep
into the weekend, it would be tough for the Dodgers to justify being
a buyer as the trading deadline approaches. Having shown that they're
capable of actually winning a couple games, however, you've got
to figure they'll make the stupid decision to add a mediocre outfielder
and an over-the-hill pitcher. Of course, we all know what will follow.
By next Friday the Dodgers will be mired in another losing streak,
the new guys they pick up will leave after the season as free agents,
and Joel Guzman will hit 450 career home runs as a Toronto Blue
Jay.
Besides
marking the end of the week, Friday was a day of endings for the
Dodgers. It marked the end of their horrific 8-game losing streak,
the end of Nancy Drew's horrific homerless streak, and the end of
the horrific Danys Baez era in Los Angeles. 
It
took about ten million dollars, a couple of single-A prospects,
and probably some sexual favors, but the Dodgers finally found a
taker for Odalis Perez. The Dodgers traded the disgruntled pitcher
on Tuesday afternoon to the Kansas City Royals in exchange for,
well, a guy who may not be much better on the mound but at least
keeps his mouth shut: Elmer Dessens. Perez, meanwhile, didn't waste
any time endearing himself to Royals fans, saying "You know,
the team is a bad team." And they're about to get a whole lot
worse.
The
Dodgers accomplished quite a feat on Monday night, and they deserve
some credit. In a division packed with awful teams, the Dodgers
have officially become the worst. With teams like the Rockies, Diamondbacks,
and Giants as the competition, owning sole possession of last place
isn't an easy task. Oh contraire, say the Dodgers. You lose
eleven of twelve and that cellar starts calling your name.
Say
what you want about the Dodgers, but you can't say they're not trying.
Down six runs in the ninth inning on Sunday, the Dodgers rallied
for... well, one run. Okay, fine, they're not trying. Or could they
just be this bad? On Saturday, they were dominated by Jeff Weaver,
a guy who had a 3-11 record and an ERA in the Odalis Perez range.
Sunday, it was Jason Marquis, who entered the game having allowed
a league-leading number of runs and home runs. Marquis got healthy
in a hurry against the Dodgers, giving up just four hits in eight
scoreless innings. If the Dodgers can't beat Weaver and Marquis,
who exactly are they planning on beating?
Consider
it a blessing that the Dodgers don't score runs. That way, when
you're standing in line for two innings to get a $4 malt, you're
not missing anything... well, except maybe the long-anticipated
crumbling of J.D. Drew. You could almost hear his aluminum foil
knee crack when Jeff Suppan nailed him in the first inning. Drew
went down like a Eucalyptus tree in a typhoon, sat on the ground
for a couple minutes so fans would think that he wanted to stay
in the game, and then walked into the clubhouse. Drew is listed
as day-to-day, but God forbid he ends up on the DL, how will the
Dodgers ever replace his power? Maybe with a 40 watt bulb.
At
first, the headline above read "Dodger loss is doubly painful."
After thinking about it for a second, though, we realized that the
loss wasn't painful at all. In fact, it was pretty ordinary. Typical,
really. The Dodgers hit into four double-plays, their "offense"
produced just two runs, Mark Hendrickson gave up five runs (and
then touched the moon with his giant finger), an opposing player
making his major league debut hit a home run, and Nomar Garciaparra
continued his post-All-Star Game fall from grace. Pain, very quickly,
is being replaced with apathy. Pain, you see, comes from the unexpected.
It comes from arriving home to find your dog crushed by a bookcase.
It comes from walking out to your car and seeing that someone broke
in and stole your precious stamp collection. It comes from showing
up at your girlfriend's apartment with flowers and seeing her boning
a guy who looks like Rick Honeycutt. Pain, however, no longer comes
from Dodger losses. They happen too quickly, too regularly, and
too predictably.
Well,
so much for a winning streak. After turning around their horrible
start to the second half by beating the Diamondbacks on Tuesday,
whatever momentum the Dodgers' had was short-lived. Their bats were
silent on Wednesday, their pitching awful, and their energy level
as weak as ever. Miguel Batista went the distance for Arizona, J.D.
Drew's brother got three hits, and Shawn Green hit his first home
run in more than three weeks. With the loss, the Dodgers drop a
game below .500... yet again. 
Ownership
may change, the players may come and go, and the stadium seats might
get replaced, but the Dodgers are still the Dodgers. Year after
year, it's the same old story. Dodgers start off doing decently.
Dodgers give fans reason to be hopeful. Dodgers turn into complete
shit and waste our lives. 
Three
and a half months into the baseball season, the Dodgers are right
back where they started. After hovering a few games above .500 for
almost two months, the Dodgers were swept by the Cardinals and their
record now sits at 46 wins, 46 losses—the embodiment of mediocrity.
On Sunday, however, even mediocrity proved too lofty a goal for
the Dodgers. Brad Penny gave up six runs in five innings, Odalis
Perez gave up five runs in two innings, the defense committed two
errors, and the team left fourteen guys on base. Albert Pujols,
meanwhile, went 4-for-5 and knocked in another three runs. We see
the Dodgers having a few options when Pujols comes to L.A. next
weekend: (1) Walk him every friggin' time he comes to bat, (2) Charge
extra for tickets in the left field pavilion since fans are almost
guaranteed to catch a home run ball, or (3) Make sure he eats bad
Chinese food on Thursday night.
Just
three games into the second half of the season, it looks like it's
going to be a long couple of months for the Dodgers. Scoring just
three runs in the thirty-three innings since the break, the Dodgers
are now three games out of first place and just a single game above
the .500 mark. After failing to get a guy to second base on Friday
night, the Dodgers didn't do much better on Saturday. They scored
one run in the first inning and picked their noses for the next
eight. It wasn't exactly like they were facing a future Hall-of-Famer,
either. In 285 career starts, Jeff Suppan had a record of 99-99.
Leave it up to the Dodgers to give Suppan his 100th win... and to
throw away a freakishly good start by Mark Hendrickson. On the heels
of two crappy starts, Hendrickson pitched into the seventh inning
and allowed just a solo home run—to Albert Pujols, of course.
Pop
quiz: What happens when you take the best hitter in baseball, the
worst pitcher in baseball, and the dumbest manager in baseball,
and put them on a field together? Answer: The Dodgers lose to the
Cardinals in 14 innings. It didn't help that the Dodgers left eleven
guys on base, but letting Albert Pujols beat you in extra innings
is a freakin' sin. It's like inviting the sex offender next door
to baby sit your son and then being surprised that there was penile
contact. Is Grady Little braindead? You've got one out in the fourteenth,
a tie game, Odalis Perez on the mound, and Poo-holes at the plate.
While it's not as if the guys on deck (Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds)
are easy outs, common sense says you've got to walk Poo-holes, who
was 9 for 14 against Perez with four home runs. And most of those
at-bats had come when Odalis was actually a decent pitcher. These
days, Perez can barely retire a backup infielder. What made Little
think that he could get Pujols out? In fact, why was Perez brought
in to face the middle of the Cardinals' lineup in the first place?
Sure, as you get deeper and deeper into a game the matchups aren't
always ideal, but there are choices. The Dodgers made a bad
one. And they immediately paid for it. 
Generally
we don't like to give accolades to anyone who lives, works, or plays
in Orange County, but we've really got to thank Vladimir Guerrero
for hitting one out against Brad Penny in the All-Star game on Tuesday.
After beginning the game by striking out Ichiro Suzuki, Derek Jeter,
and David Ortiz, Penny had the baseball world buzzing. Throwing
96, 97, and 98 mph bee-bees, Penny looked like no Penny we've ever
seen on the mound at Dodger Stadium. Sure, he's had a good year,
but striking out Ichiro, Jeter, and Ortiz? That's ridiculous. Lest
Penny's giant country bumpkin head get any bigger, however, Guerrero
hacked a pitch at his eyes and drove it over the right field wall.
Penny exited after the second inning and there's a good chance he'll
need season-ending arm surgery.
Brad Penny and Nomar Garciaparra head to Pittsburgh for the next
few days. Rafael Furcal heads home to the Dominican Republic. And
Olmedo Saenz heads to Burger King. The All-Star break roughly marks
the middle of the baseball season, and for the Dodgers, it was yet
another mediocre first half. They're four games over .500, two games
out of first place, and consistently inconsistent. They're not terrible,
but neither is broccoli. It's just not very good.
The
sun rises. There's gridlock on the 405. And Eric Gagne is done for
the season. What's new? After three crappy years of being a starting
pitcher, three amazing years of being the best closer in the business,
and two frustrating years of being an overpaid cripple, it appears
that Gagne's Dodger career—and perhaps his baseball career—is
over. Doctors will cut into his back on Saturday, perhaps the only
place on his body yet to be sliced. 
It only took a couple months, but teams are finally learning how
to pitch to Nomar Garciaparra. If you can't beat 'em, hit 'em in
the back. Or the shoulder. Or the head. After being hit by Giants'
pitchers twice on Thursday, Nomar has now been hit five times in
his last sixteen at-bats. You really can't blame him if he starts
going up to the plate with a bulletproof vest, shin guards, and
a machete to cut the head off of the next guy who nails him. It
wasn't all painful for Nomar on Thursday, though, as he won the
National League's Final Vote, beating out Chris Capuano, Bobby Abreu,
Billy Wagner, and Chris Young. 
The
Dodgers are good. They're not good. They're good. They're not good.
They're good. They're not good. So which is it? Uh, hell if we know.
Their sweep of the Diamondbacks on Wednesday puts them in a three-way
tie for first place, but do they feel at all like a first-place
team? What they've done in the last few weeks is beat the awful
teams (Pirates and Diamondbacks), and lose to the good and break-even
teams (Angels, Twins, A's, and Mariners). That's not the sign of
a first-place team. Sweep a series, lose a series, sweep a series,
lose a series. We keep waiting for them to put together a nice 10
out of 12 or something like that, but it doesn't appear that they're
capable of doing that.
Celebrating
their independence from Hong-Chih Kuo, the Dodgers knocked out thirteen
hits on Tuesday en route to an 11-3 victory over the Diamondbacks.
Andre Ethier came up big again, driving in four runs, Kenny Lofton
drove in three, and Cesar Izturis two. Aaron Sele gave up just two
runs in six innings, earning his fifth win of the season. One of
the Dodgers' thirteen runs came on a bases loaded walk, something
very familiar to the new guy in the Dodgers' pen: Giovanni Carrara.
After spending almost two months pitching for Las Vegas, Carrara
was finally called up on Sunday to replace Kuo, who was one of the
more useless Dodger pitchers of late. While we kind of feel bad
for Kuo, we really feel bad for fans in Vegas. First, it
was Lance Carter who came to town. Then Tim Hamulack. And now Kuo.
Fifty bucks says the 51's bullpen doesn't hold a single lead the
rest of the season.
While the Dodgers' campaign to get Nomar Garciaparra elected to
the All-Star team is picking up steam, the Diamondbacks made it
clear on Monday that they won't be pulling for the Los Angeles first
baseman. Not only that, they'll apparently do what they can to make
sure he never walks again. The Diamondbacks hit Garciaparra with
pitches three times, tying a major league record and earning Arizona
pitcher Randy Choate an ejection. So what's their beef with Nomar?
We've got three guesses: (1) Arizona manager Bob Melvin has a thing
for Mia Hamm and wants Nomar out of the picture, (2) Craig Counsell
no longer has the biggest nose in the league and feels threatened,
or (3) Nomar said something bad about cacti.