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In
years past, sitting through a Dodger game was often a painful experience.
They'd blow big leads, maybe erase a big lead, but blow the game
in extra innings. It was painful. This year, however, the Dodgers
aren't painful. They're painfully boring. Green, Coomer, Beltre,
Ward, Cora... nothing more than big sleeping pills in a uniform.
It's been a long time since Dodger baseball was consistantly exciting,
but it's never been so unexciting. After being shut out by the Angels
on Friday, the Dodgers scored just one run Saturday (managing just
6 hits—half of them in one inning) and barely got a run on
Sunday. It's supposed to be fun to watch a game. You look forward
to it all day. Then, after the game is over, you realize that you
wasted another three hours of your life. You'd be better off spending
three hours on the can. With diarrhea. And no toilet paper.
So,
what's new? The Dodgers get shut out for seven innings by a guy
with an ERA of almost six, and end up with just five hits. Meanwhile,
Kevin Brown allows just two runs and loses. The Dodgers had two
late-inning scoring opportunities, but blew both by hitting into
double-plays. With Jolbert Cabrera on third with nobody out in the
7th, Shawn Green hit a meek grounder and after an intentional walk
to Paul Lo Duca, Daryle Ward immediately followed with an inning-ending
double-play. While it would be easy to rip on Ward (whose futility
has loomed HUGE in recent weeks), it was Shawn Green's inability
to get Cabrera home that really killed the inning. It's time to
drop Green to eighth in the lineup. Or maybe ninth. Wake his ass
up by putting Odalis Perez in front of him. Or maybe just release
a swarm of bees in his locker. It was appropriate that he ended
the game by grounding to second... and stopped running halfway to
first. Shawn, if you're going to suck, the least you can do is hustle.
Make it look like you care. 
The
Dodgers aren't quite good enough to make the playoffs. But they're
not bad enough for us to be so sure. That's why it sucks to be a
Dodger fan. On the verge of being swept in San Francisco—which
would have dealt the team a blow in the standings and in their confidence—the
Dodgers came up with a 6-0 shutout. A sweep would have put the Dodgers
three games back and would have given fans a legitimate reason to
detach themselves. So, instead, the Dodgers win and you keep thinking
they have a chance. They knock out 16 hits and you think they've
got offense. Green stretches a single into a double, and you think
he's got energy. Adrian Beltre gets a big hit, and you think he's
out of his slump. But the Dodgers don't have a chance. And they
have no offense. And Green has no energy. And Beltre is not out
of his slump. They're just fucking with you. After all, a good F
just keeps you hanging around a little bit longer.
It
would be great if someone could explain Jim Tracy's hard-on for
Daryle Ward. Once again in the starting lineup, Ward proved once
again that he's not deserving of the spot. As the Dodgers floundered,
scratching for a run, Ward struck out with the bases loaded and
got caught rounding first in the ninth inning, a key blow to any
chance of a comeback. Daryle Ward (or Gary Ward, as Vin Scully calls
him) doesn't look or move like an athlete, and in his case, looks
aren't deceiving. At 50 years old, Gary Ward might actually
be a better choice at first base. Or, if Jim Tracy had a brain,
Paul Lo Duca would be playing first and David Ross would be catching.
But since Tracy has been brainwashed into thinking it all boils
down to the left-handed/right-handed garbage, Daryle Ward gets the
playing time. How much worse could the Dodger offense be if, god
forbid, the Dodgers started a bunch of righties against a right-handed
pitcher? It's too bad that Jim Tracy's ejection only lasted until
the end of the game. It's also too bad that highly-paid and personally-trained
athletes can't run to first base without hurting themselves. It's
pretty friggin' sad, actually. On Tuesday it was Brian Jordan, who
had to leave the game in the 5th after he strained his patella tendon
(which, of course, is code for hurting one's vagina). So, Marquis
Grissom bites the Dodgers in the ass with a two-run homer, the Dodgers'
offense is crippled once again, and the team is now two games back.
But no worries, we've got Daryle Ward. 
What
a shitty game. Had it just ended in the 9th like it was meant to,
it would have been tolerable. But no, the Dodgers have to get an
undeserved two runs in the ninth to tie, lose the go-ahead run on
a great catch by Jose Cruz (will someone please give their
kid a different name!), blow a chance to score in the 11th, and
then watch Barry Bonds' head get even bigger after stealing his
500th base. (Does every milestone in Barry's fucking career have
to come against the Dodgers?) Note to Eric Gagne: if the guy standing
at first is the tying run and has 499 career steals, at least take
a goddamn peek at him. Note to Jim Tracy: NEVER, EVER use Eric Gagne
in a non-save situation. If there's no possibility of a save, Gagne
reverts to his crappy former self—EVERY time. You'd be better
off bringing Jason Romano in to pitch. Speaking of Romano, did he
actually get a hit? And speaking of illegal bats (ok, we weren't
speaking of illegal bats, but now we are), what the hell is that
thing at the end of Marquis Grissom's bat? That's no handle. That's
a goddamn bagel. It's chicken shit. Screw the Giants. Screw the
Dodgers. Screw baseball. 
With
Oakland beating the Giants up north, the Dodgers had a chance to
move into sole possession of first place on Sunday afternoon. And
they blew the chance. Kevin Brown was off from the start, giving
up 10 hits and 4 runs in 5 innings, and Dodger batters blew a few
chances to get themselves back in the game. (Daryle Ward, getting
way too much playing time, stranded five runners.) The Dodgers managed
to pull to within a run in the 7th, thanks to some sketchy Anaheim
defense, but Paul Shuey reverted to his old form, giving up a 2-run
homer to Garrett Anderson in the 9th and letting the game get out
of reach. Overcast and drizzly, the only bright spot was provided
by Paul Lo Duca, who had three more hits, raising his team-leading
average to .332. So, on to San Francisco, where the Dodgers can
make a stand... or crumple and die. Hmmmm.
The
Dodgers are alone in first. At least for a few hours. Their 4-2
victory over the Angels Saturday afternoon puts them 1/2 game ahead
of San Francisco, who plays Oakland Saturday night. The Dodgers
offense was typically anemic Satuday, getting just five hits, but
they made them count. Three of their hits came in a 4-run first
inning, and as we've come to expect, Dodger pitchers gave up just
two runs. Andy Alvarez allowed just a run over eight innings, and
the Angels roughed up Eric Gagne for a run in the ninth. Gagne had
his second un-Gagne-like inning in as many days, striking out no
one and allowing three hits. It's beginning to become a drag. Get
it together, fat boy.
It
was a freakish night at Dodger Stadium on Firday. Eric Gagne struck
out only one batter in the 9th inning, and the Dodgers hit four
home runs. Had this game come a week ago, on Friday the 13th, it
would have made sense. But it came on Friday the 20th. Which is
no different than Wednesday the 18th. Or Monday the 23rd. Or Tuesday
the 24th. Or September 14, 2005. OK, you get the point. Or, maybe
you ask, is there a point? Well, no. But it's not your job to ask
questions. Just read and agree, you son of a bitch. Anyway, the
Dodgers had more home runs on Friday that in the 11 previous games
combined. Even Shawn Green, in the depths of a Jose Gonzalez-like
slump, hit one out. Of concern, however, is Eric Gagne. Two Angels
actually put the ball in play against Gagne, and the Dodgers' big,
fat closer only struck out one guy. Honestly, if Gagne strikes out
fewer than two guys, he shouldn't be credited with a save. It's
a goddamn letdown. Might as well bring back Jeff Shaw.
The
hitting streak. The winning streak. The short-lived excitement.
All came to an abrupt end on Thursday night as Jason Schmidt and
the Giants shut out the Dodgers on three hits. It hasn't been too
often that an opposing pitcher out-dueled a Dodger starter this
year, but it was destined to happen on the night when the team could
have slipped into first place all alone. Odalis Perez deserved a
better fate, giving up just two runs and five hits over seven innings.
Again, the pitching wasn't the problem. Shawn Green was the fucking
problem. Adrian Beltre was the problem. Daryle Ward was the problem.
Vin Scully talking about the name of Jason Schmidt's cat was the
problem. (And don't bombard us with emails about how evil we are
for criticizing Scully. Admit it, he's gone coo-coo for useless
personal facts.) So, the Dodgers are now a game out. Mark our goddamn
words: by this Sunday, the Dodgers will be 9 games back.
Kirk
Reuter's big ears flapped on Wednesday night, and the Giants flopped.
Winning their eighth straight, the Dodgers are once again tied for
first. Paul Lo Duca extended his hitting streak to 25 games, and
the Dodgers' offense had its most productive night in more than
a month, actually scoring eight runs. EIGHT RUNS. Even Shawn Green
got a hit. (Of course, the Dodgers were up by six at the time.)
Regardless, the Dodgers and Giants are even, as bizarre as it sounds.
Whether the Dodgers can take the next step or not remains to be
seen. If history repeats itself, expect the Dodgers to be 5 games
out by Friday. Sure, it's mathematically impossible, but don't bet
on that stopping the Dodgers. They can go from hot to cold quicker
than Rick Monday can confuse the fuck out of everybody.
If
you took a look at the Dodger lineup Tuesday, you'd think they didn't
have a chance in hell. Dave Roberts was batting in the .250's. Shawn
Green has had something like 3 hits all season. And Daryle Ward...
well... he just isn't very good. Yet, the Dodgers won their seventh
in a row Tuesday, beating the Giants, 4-1. Shockingly, Adrian Beltre
and Kevin Brown had clutch hits, while Brian Jordan drove in a run
with a sac fly. Less surprising, Paul Lo Duca extended his hitting
streak to 24 games, going 4-for-4 with a first inning home run.
For a team that sucks so badly, the Dodgers are pretty goddamn persistent.
Gotta give 'em that. All the terrible individual stats, and the
Dodgers are a game out of first. It's impressive. That said, their
pitching can't carry them all season. It just can't. And even though
Eric Gagne is pitching like he's fuckin' Superman, he shouldn't
have to pitch six times a week. Yeah, he's exciting as hell, but
it's inevitable that he'll hurt his big, fat arm if he's used in
every game. Plus, if he's constantly pitching, he'll have no pizza
time. 
Though
he's seemingly gained 50 pounds since spring training, Wilson Alvarez
pitched four scoreless innings Satuday, and the Dodgers beat the
Indians, 5-2. Alvarez, looking like he hasn't eaten anything other
than cheese since April, followed five decent innings by Andy Ashby,
giving the Dodgers yet another solid pitching performance. More
amazing than Ashby not getting bombed was the fact that the Dodgers
hit in double-digits— for the second consecutive day. Maybe
it's something in the Cleveland water. Although if it's the same
something that made Indians' outfielder Milton Bradley into a supreme
asshole, the Dodgers should stick to bottled water. Bradley, who
has a reputation for being a dick, hit a home run in the 4th inning
and began to take his batting gloves off before the ball even cleared
the wall. Paul Lo Duca appeared to be the most upset, and the two
now have a special friendship. Unfortunately, however, the relationship
wasn't consummated. There's always Sunday.
It's
no secret that the Dodgers offense is total shit. Thankfully, the
Tigers' offense is just a little bit shittier. For the second day
in a row, the Dodgers beat Detroit 3-1. Tuesday the Dodgers knocked
out a whopping six hits. Wednesday the Dodgers managed to win with
even less: just four hits. If all goes according to plan, the team
will soon figure out a way to win without getting any hits. Or anybody
on base. Ross Porter will be talking about how the Dodgers have
the lowest batting average in the history of the universe, and Jim
Tracy will be talking about how hits are over-rated. "True,
we haven't gotten a hit in six weeks," Tracy will say, "But
we're 19-17 over that time. Am I pleased with the results? Yes."
Speaking of being pleased, you'd think that it's about time for
the Dodger batters to show their appreciation to the pitching staff
by offering up their wives' mouths. Kevin Brown won his eighth in
a row Wednesday, giving up just a run, and Eric Gagne notched his
23rd save of the season. With a ML-best 2.98 ERA, the Dodgers should
not be only seven games above .500. It's time for Jack Clark to
check himself back into the hospital.
Trying
desperately to get back to .500, the Dodgers were blown out by the
White Sox on Sunday, and are now five games back of the Giants in
the West. The Dodgers scored three runs on Sunday—which ranks
up there as one of their better offensive days—but Odalis Perez
and Guillermo Mota were ineffective, giving up all ten of Chicago's
runs. Paul Lo Duca's inside-the-park homer provided some excitement,
but more than that, gives us a reason to remember the legacy of
Mitch Webster, the last Dodger to hit an inside-the-park homer at
Dodger Stadium. Mitch's homer came in 1994, and he then retired
in '95. What can we say about Mitch? Well, absolutely nothing. Webster
spent four years on the Dodgers, and other than his slight resemblance
to actor Gene Hackman, there isn't a goddamn thing to remember him
for. As for the 2003 Dodgers, let's hope they use their off day
Monday to cork some bats.
While
the Angels hit home runs like there's no tomorrow (granted it's
in Puerto Rico), the Dodgers hit meek comebackers, looking like
their bats are filled with not cork, but lead. Hideo Nomo allowed
only two runs Wednesday night, but that was one too many. The Dodgers
managed only three hits (and only three baserunners), giving Kansas
City starter Kyle Snyder his first major league victory. Is it possible
that every major league starter has picked up their first major
league victory against the Dodgers? Also, is it possible that this
is the worst goddamn offense in the history of baseball? The Dodgers
have never been a team to score tons of runs, but this is pathetic.
It's not as if they've been facing the best in baseball, either.
Colorado, Milwuakee, Kansas City... not exactly powerhouses. It's
obvious the Dodgers miss Jeff Reboulet.
Good
things happen when Adrian Beltre doesn't swing the bat. He should
try it more often. With Tuesday's game tied 3-3 in the 9th, Beltre
came to the plate with the bases loaded. After working the count
full, Beltre took a pitch that was way too close to take, but it
was called a ball, and the Dodgers won. Pretty goddamn exciting.
A walk-off walk. Doesn't get more dramatic than that. The win earned
the Dodgers a game in the standings, but it wasn't exactly win earned.
The Dodgers left 13 guys on base, grounded into three double-plays
(should have been four), and blew more than a couple chances to
break the game open. Not impressive. 
When
you've got the tying run on base with two outs in the 9th, and Bubba
Crosby is your best shot, you're in trouble. The Dodgers lost 4-3
to the lowly Brewers on Sunday, losing the series, and making it
5 losses in the last 6 games. The Giants won again, and after being
tied for first just a few days ago, the Dodgers are now 4 1/2 back.
And to top it off, Daryle Ward in on the DL. The Dodgers claim he
was swinging the bat too much during batting practice. Swinging
the bat doesn't hurt your hand. Constantly missing the ball, however,
does. Good riddance. On a brighter note, Ron Coomer was caught sticking
his hand in his pants during Saturday night's game. Really going
after those balls. His hand disappeared up to his wrist. (Do we
still have to wonder why all the Dodgers seem to have injured hands?)