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Four
hits, six total base runners and only two runs was enough for a
Dodger victory over the Giants tonight. And it's about fucking time
the team got a break. The Dodgers were able to combine a great effort
on the mound with timely hitting to pull out a much needed victory.
God knows that if they hadn't beaten a pitcher with only 20 innings
of major league experience, GM Paul DePodesta would be waiting in
the clubhouse after the game to hand out one-way tickets to Las
Vegas. Manager Jim Tracy shuffled the lineup around in an effort
to jump start the Dodger offense. I think we can all agree that
having Olmedo Saenz bat sixth and go 0-3 with two strikeouts was
the key to this victory. But the most important news of the day
is that Fernando-mania is back! The corpulent southpaw from Mexico
is expected to sign a contract to pitch with Mexicali of the Mexican
league this fall. If he pitches well, the Dodgers will sign him
to take Tom Martin's spot in the bullpen. There is no word whether
Fernando would take on the role of Paul Shuey's best friend.
The
Dodgers sucked even more this past weekend but avoided another sweep
by beating the Angels 10-5 on Sunday. Before Friday night's game,
Jose Lima was told he'd be throwing batting practice. Minutes later
he was asked to start the game. Somehow, messages got crossed and
Lima started the game and threw four innings of batting practice
to the Angels. He gave up 3 homers, one to Darin Erstad which landed
somewhere near Union Station. Manager Jim Tracy gave the Dodger
hitters the night off. The evening would have been a complete waste
if not for a scoreless inning of relief from Robin Ventura. Saturday's
game started off well enough as the Dodgers had a 5-2 lead. The
Dodger bats went to sleep after the third inning and managed one
baserunner in the final six innings. Odalis Perez left the game
with a sore left rotator cuff and gave way to the bullpen which
blew the lead by surrendering four earned runs in the final four
innings. Where the hell is Robin Ventura when you need him? On Sunday,
the Dodgers went to town on the Angels' "Fartolo" Colon
and pulled out a win. Kaz Ishii walked a small village of people
and Juan Encarnacion couldn't catch a fly ball while on the run
(Note: Juan, maybe you should find a DH job). The lone bright spot
this series were the three homeruns and eight RBI for Adrian Beltre.
Wouldn't you know it, Beltre happens to have his one great season
as a Dodger while in the final year of a contract. This off season,
he will likely demand a ridiculous contract that the Dodgers can't
afford and he will go somewhere else to play (and kill us every
time he plays us). Or he'll re-sign with the Dodgers and go back
to sucking donkey balls. Prick.
The
Dodgers couldn't avoid a sweep by the Giants but at least they showed
a little fighting spirit and team comraderie. Part one began with
a run-in between the Giants' Michael Tucker and Dodger pitcher Jeff
Weaver during Wednesday's game. In Thursday's game, Dodger closer
Eric Gagne was sent in to "get some work." He just happened
to get the opportunity to face Tucker. He just happened to throw
a 98mph fastball on the inside part of the plate at eye-level that
made Tucker drop a load in his pants. If it wasn't for Dave Ross
who restrained Tucker and Adrain Beltre who restrained Gagne, we
would have seen the best major league ass-kicking since Nolan Ryan
beat the crap out of Robin Ventura (sorry Robin, but it's the truth).
Dodgerblues is highly pissed off about not getting the chance to
see Gagne throw Tucker 98 mph into the backstop, pick him up, trot
him back out to the mound, and then throw him 70 mph for a called
third strike. We can only hope Guillermo Mota was watching so he'll
know how to react if he ever has to pitch to Mike Piazza again.
In non-fight related news, Wilson Alvarez struck out Barry Bonds
and we never get tired of seeing that.
It's
one thing to be beaten by Barry Bonds and Jason Schmidt. It's another
to be beaten by Deivi Cruz and Edgardo Alfonzo. Cruz went 5-5 against
the Dodger pitching staff and Alfonzo, whose face has been plastered
on milk cartons since his 2000 campaign with the Mets, knocked in
six runs. SIX RUNS!!! The only thing more disturbing than that is
Dustin Hermanson's boy-band facial hair. Somebody get that guy a
freakin' razor. And wouldn't you know it, the Dodgers actually score
five runs but the bullpen gives up six runs in their three innings
of work. It was obvious the Dodgers would be in for a tough night
when Kaz Ishii was finally able to lay down a sacrifice bunt, but
bunted into a double play. Word of advice, Kaz...quit bringing a
bat to the plate. Either strike out or lean in to one, but don't
let them turn two. That job already belongs to Shawn Green. And
in a continuing effort to prove how lame Giants fans are, hundreds
of fans spent $10 a piece on rubber chickens to wave whenever a
Giants player was intentionally walked. This brilliant idea comes
from the same fans who made fun of the Angels' "Rally Monkey"
during the 2002 World Series. Keep waving those chickens you morons.
In front of a star-studded crowd on Sunday, the Dodgers beat the
mighty Yankees and won the much-hyped series, two games to one.
Shawn Green snapped a 458 at-bat homerless streak (thanks in part
to our mention of it yesterday), Eric Gagne picked up his 81st consecutive
save, and golden boy Alex Rodriguez had three very enjoyable strikeouts.
With big-name teams come big-name fans, so it was no surprise to
see Kobe Bryant, Jack Nicholson, and Billy Crystal at the game.
Kobe sported a Dodger hat (allegedly being a huge Jayson Werth fan),
but Billy and Jack were all New York. And for Billy and Jack, a
painful day indeed. Good. Fuck 'em. May Billy be stricken with terrible
diarrhea for publicly wishing an end to Gagne's streak. And may
Jack misplace his sunglasses and slip into a severe state of depression.
Jesus christ, he's a Laker fan and a Yankee fan. Yeah, that
takes real balls. It's like rooting for a sunrise—a pretty
goddamn good chance for success. Not interested in pulling for the
Rockies, Jack? How about the Devil Rays? Fucker. But fuckers aside,
the Dodgers made a statement on Sunday... and that statement was:
if you overrun a ball in the outfield and give us a gift run, we
might win. Regardless of how they did it, however, the fact is they
did it. And Joe Torre is a funny looking dude.
By the time Jose Hernandez threw away an inning-ending ground ball
in the top of the eighth on Saturday, it didn't matter. Failing
to carry Friday night's momentum into Saturday's game, the Dodgers
looked feeble against 13-year-old Yankee pitcher Brad Halsey, who
was making his major league debut. You'd expect a kid who was breaking
into the majors in front of 55,000 people to be a little nervous,
but Halsey clearly knew there wasn't a single bat in the Dodger
lineup to fear. David Ross? Jose Hernandez? Guess who went 0-for-4?
Shawn Green. Guess who couldn't get the ball out of the infield?
Shawn Green. Guess who has just eight home runs this year? Shawn
Green. Guess who has nine home runs this year? Daryle Fuckin' Ward.
On Saturday, the only Dodger with any pop in his bat was Hideo Nomo...
unfortunately Nomo's arm wasn't quite so strong in the first inning.
Before the seats at Dodger Stadium were warm, Nomo had given up
four runs and fans were left to decide which was scarier: Nomo's
crappiness or his sideburns.
Jayson Werth hit a 3-run homer on Wednesday, but was eager for the
game to be over so he could undergo surgery to remove the skin-tight
undershirt plastered to his body. Werth's homer—his third since
we confidently declared that he'd never hit one as a Dodger—helped
the Dodgers to a 6-3 win over Baltimore, and kept them a game and
a half ahead in the West. Eric Gagne picked up his 732nd consecutive
save, extending his record streak. The 32 mice found in Gagne's
hat after the game are also a major league record, passing the 31
mice once found in John Kruk's underpants. Meanwhile, as the Dodgers
were beating Baltimore, Frank McCourt was busy icing his knees after
carrying the Olympic torch for a quarter mile Wednesday morning.
The man has been an L.A. resident for what, five months, and he
gets to run with the torch? What about the people who really mean
something to L.A., like O.J. and Bret Lewis and Duaner Sanchez?
Life just isn't fair. It's a shame the flame didn't burn off McCourt's
bad teeth.
The Dodgers were burned by their past once again on Sunday. Pedro
Martinez, too fragile to be given a starting job in L.A. in 1993,
beat the Dodgers 4-1, picking up career win 172. It's painful to
still think about that trade, but as a Dodger fan, what choice do
you have? Just hearing the name "Pedro" automatically
brings to mind the name "Delino", which automatically
brings to mind an image of Fred Claire taking it up the poopshoot,
which inevitably leads to severe nausea. Pedro Martinez probably
isn't the pitcher he was a few years ago, but where's Delino? Likely
shining shoes somewhere along Wilshire... and doing a shitty job
of it. As for the Dodgers, they leave Boston having lost 2 ouf of
3, and scoring just two runs in those two losses. Yet, by some bizarre
cosmic fuck-up, they're still tied for first place. Frank McCourt,
however, wouldn't know anything about that, since he spent the weekend
creaming over his precious city and favorite team. After Sunday's
game, in fact, McCourt was seen rubbing his crotch against the Green
Monster. (This would be a great place for a joke about McCourt's
"monster", but it's very doubtful that man has more than
3 inches).
Having already walked a league-leading 48 batters this season, Kaz
Ishii finally decided to make a change. Upon arrival in Toronto,
Ishii fired his interpreter and instead hired a detective. The detective's
task: help Ishii find the strike zone. First they looked in his
locker, but only found lots of Ishii's hair. They checked the showers,
but no strike zone there. Only a bunch of Pert Plus left over from
the Piazza era. Next they knocked on Jim Tracy's office door, asking
the Dodger manager if he's seen the strike zone. "Have I seen
the strike zone?" Tracy asked himself. "No, no I haven't."
Next, Kaz and the detective checked the bullpen, but there was no
strike zone to be found—just a guy named Duaner. Beginning
to get discouraged, Kaz and the detective returned to the dugout.
Just when the they were ready to throw in the towel, the detective
finally found it. There it was, sitting right there on the bench:
Paul Lo Duca's glove. With the search over, Ishii went out and pitched
eight innings, beating the Blue Jays, 6-1. Ishii walked only one,
matching his low for the year. Next up for the detective: finding
Darren Dreifort's pigment.
Paradise was definitely lost by Milton on Tuesday—along with
his mind. Call it a tantrum. Call it an explosion. Call it a freak-out.
Or maybe call it L.A.'s first glimpse at the real Milton Bradley.
With the Dodgers down 1-0 in the 6th inning, Milton "Just a
Reminder, I'm Still Crazy" Bradley came to bat.... well, he
came to the plate at least. After a just couple words with the home
plate umpire, Bradley was ejected. After being restrained by Jim
Tracy (who has no business trying to restrain a guy with Bradley's
rage), Milton took off his batting gloves and helmet, calmly leaving
them in the batters box along with his bat. Ah, the calm before
the storm. The calm before the hurricane. The calm before all hell
broke loose. After making his deposit near home plate, Bradley walked
back to the dugout, en route to the clubhouse. Ah, but not so fast.
Combine inner rage with a full bag of baseballs and you get one
thing: fun at the ballpark. The Dodgers obviously failed to entertain
the fans on Tuesday, but Milton Bradley succeeded. And all it took
was about six dozen balls on the field. Lest the fans in the left
field corner not enjoy the fun, Bradley picked up one of the balls
and tossed it down the line. If he was truly a good guy, however,
Bradley would have tossed Shawn Green's bat down the line instead
of a ball. Nonetheless, a spectacular sight. You gotta love it when
a grown man has a fit in front of 30,000 people. Pure entertainment.
God bless his horrible childhood.