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> JUNE 2005 June 29, 2005 - Dodgers 4, Padres 2 Dodgers overdue for trouble
June
28, 2005 -
Padres 8, Dodgers 3
Meanwhile, Cesar Izturis could very well be a .200 hitter by the All-Star break. After hitting into two double plays on Tuesday, he's down to .276. More importantly, he's a leadoff man who can't get on base. Any coincidence that the Dodgers are 10-16 since Izturis went down the tubes? Incidentally, while we're on Izturis, has he gotten slower? He can't steal, he can't beat out little grounders in the hole, and now he can't avoid hitting into double plays. Does he have corns on his feet? Does he have gout? Is there a chance that he's dying? Whatever the case, his slump has reached the point of panic. Jose Gonzalez (0-for-28 in 1991) and J.D. Drew (0-for-25 to start this season) have nothing on Cesar. Players have slumps, but you just don't go from being a .340 hitter to being a .240 hitter in less than a month unless something is wrong. Our guess is that he's injured and doesn't want to tell anyone. Frankly, we're pretty sure that he's missing his left foot. Isn't anyone suspicious when he shows up at the stadium already wearing his cleats? He probably sits at home for an hour every morning trying to secure his left shoe to his nub... right after he goes online to vote for himself 25 times. June
27, 2005 -
Dodgers 5, Padres 4
June
26, 2005 -
Angels 5, Dodgers 3
You know it's only getting worse when they've been swept in three of their last four series. You know it's only getting worse when they've struck out more times in their last three games (32) than hits, runs, and walks combined (28). You know it's only getting worse when their manager posts the lineup card in the clubhouse and the starting pitcher tells reporters, "Write it down, boys, and don't laugh." You know it's only getting worse when the Izturis who looks most like an All-Star is named Macier. You know it's only getting worse when it's late June and their starting outfielders enter the day with a combined six home runs. You know it's only getting worse when there are two outs in the 9th, the tying runs are on base, and they've got no one to pinch-hit for Mike Edwards. You know it's only getting worse when their leadoff man has been on base fewer times in the month of June than Jason Grabowski. You know it's only getting worse when one of their most effective pitchers of late (Derek Thompson) is back in the minors and one of their least effective pitchers (Scott Erickson) is still in the pen. You know it's only getting worse when all we've heard the last couple years is how they've have been re-stocking the farm system... yet the best they can do is Cody Ross? You know it's only getting worse when we at Dodger Blues can barely summon the energy to bash the guys we live to bash. You know it's only getting worse when the biggest thing Dodger fans had to cheer about all weekend was the A's 16-0 rape of the Giants. Finally, You know it's only getting worse when you know deep down that—despite how bad things might be now—they'll inevitably get even worse. June
24, 2005 -
Angels 7, Dodgers 0
June
22, 2005 -
Dodgers 6, Padres 4
June
21, 2005 -
Padres 2, Dodgers 1
Goodbye
to the jungle No
more jungle Goodbye
to the jungle Goodbye
to the jungle And
when you win the Cy you never Do
you know where you are Watch
him earn $18 million—jeez, jeez June
20, 2005 -
Padres 1, Dodgers 0
Nafregdod Williams, a sixteen-year-old high school junior from Arcadia, had been a Dodger fan his entire life. Conceived just moments after Kirk Gibson hobbled across home plate on that remarkable night in 1988, Nafregdod always felt a connection to the boys in blue. Maybe it was the fact that his name was 'Dodger Fan' spelled backwards. Maybe it was the chance meeting with Cory Snyder at a McDonalds in 1993. Or maybe it was the pair of Todd Benzinger autographed underpants he wore until 5th grade. Whatever the reason, Naffy (as his friends would call him) bled Dodger blue. "He insisted on sleeping with blue wristbands," his father recalled. "In 4th grade he grew his hair out and demanded that we call him Raul." Naffy might have been confused about his ethnicity, but he was never confused about his love for the Dodgers. It was that love, however, that eventually cost poor Naffy his life. The past few months, friends said, Naffy didn't seem like his normal self. He'd turn on the Dodger game, but by the fifth inning was staring into space. "A few weeks back I was over at his house," said fifteen-year-old Marcus Eikniwtasayag, "and he actually tried to glue his eyes shut with rubber cement during a Jayson Werth at-bat." Naffy became progressively disinterested in Jayson Werth at-bats, and soon was unconcerned with Jason Phillips at-bats as well. During Friday's loss to the Chicago White Sox, Naffy's mother discovered a three-foot string of drool hanging from her son's mouth. It was the look in Naffy's eyes that worried her most, though. "He had that look that Jason Grabowski always has when he takes strike three," she said, wiping away tears. Naffy's Dodger apathy continued through the weekend. Then came Monday night. After Cesar Izturis flied out to begin the game, Naffy went online, desperately trying to take back the 1,800 All-Star votes he'd submitted for the Dodgers' shortstop a few weeks prior. Before he could even type in 'mlb.com', the Dodgers were done in the first inning. Naffy sighed, and tried typing again, but the Dodgers were done in the second. Naffy slowly closed his eyes, failing to hear his mom calling him for dinner. "We're having Dodger Dogs," she yelled, as the scent of beef franks drifted into his room. Naffy smelled nothing, though, as his olfactory nerves had already begun to shut down. A few minutes later Naffy was suddenly awoken by the whiff of a Dodger bat. His tortured eyes, however, were only open long enough to see Izturis, Jason Repko, and J.D. Drew go down on strikes. By the sixth inning, Naffy's breathing had slowed—sort of like a Gagne fastball. By the eighth inning, Naffy's heart stopped beating. By the time Olmedo Saenz popped up to end the game (leaving the tying run in scoring position), Nafregdod Williams was gone. Bored to death. June
19, 2005
-
White Sox 4, Dodgers 3
June
18, 2005 -
White Sox 5, Dodgers 3
June
16, 2005 -
Royals 9, Dodgers 6
June
15, 2005 -
Royals 3, Dodgers 1
Oh, and Elmer Dessens is back. June
14, 2005
-
Royals 3, Dodgers 2
June
13, 2005
What's next, you ask? Well, we praised Jeff Kent's defense on Sunday, so expect him to make a few errors this week. We said the Dodgers will get no-hit by Jose Lima on Wednesday, so expect him to get knocked out in the first inning. And we named that dude from the Ricoh commercial as the 'Asshole of the Moment', so expect him to track us down and chop our balls off—while simling, of course. June
12, 2005 -
Dodgers 4, Twins 3
June
10, 2005 -
Dodgers 6, Twins 5
June
8, 2005 -
Dodgers 3, Tigers 1
June
7, 2005 -
Tigers 8, Dodgers 4
June
6, 2005 -
Dodgers 5, Tigers 2
June
5, 2005 -
Dodgers 10, Brewers 6
June
3, 2005 -
Brewers 7, Dodgers 5
June
2, 2005 -
Dodgers 5, Brewers 3
June
1, 2005 -
Cubs 9, Dodgers 5
Well, two months into the season, it's pretty safe to say that they are as bad as first thought. Actually, they might be worse. And the saddest part is that they know it. Lately, they've even resorted to physical violence. Brad Penny had a shit-fit in the dugout on Tuesday, and Derek Lowe did the same during Wednesday's game (cutting himself with a metal stool as he tossed it against a wall in the third inning). It's great to know that these guys care, but when a team invests $34 million dollars in you, how 'bout just kicking the batboy in the nuts instead? (Besides, what are the chances that Frank McCourt is going to be replacing broken dugout furniture? After all, the plastic chairs in the bullpen cost $4.99 at Rite Aid and they haven't been replaced in years.) His temper tantrum aside, Lowe gave up thirteen hits to the Cubs... although that shouldn't really be a surprise considering that he gave up more hits than anyone else in the AL last season. Lowe's performance, however, wasn't nearly as miserable as the Dodgers' attempt at a rundown play in fourth inning. With Todd Hollandsworth caught off second, the Dodgers botched what would have been a routine play for a team of seven year-olds. How goddamn hard is it to fake a throw? That's all it takes. You fake a throw, you confuse the runner, you tag his ass, he sits the fuck down. Pretty goddamn simple. Nope, not for Antonio Perez, who thought it would be better to hold the ball in the air and jog Hollandsworth back to second base where he slid in safely. The Dodgers were swept? You don't say. Here's something else you don't say: "Wow, what a clutch hit for J.D. Drew." There are a good four or five guys on the Dodgers who shouldn't be on a major league roster, and we're beginning to think J.D. Drew is one of them. At least he's not like Wilson Alvarez, though, begging not to play. After his last start, Alvarez said that he didn't deserve another one. On Tuesday, Jim Tracy announced that Alvarez would be starting on Saturday. Good times. Go Dodgers.
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The
Dodgers won on Wednesday, and while that's great and all, it would
be a lot more exciting if someone on the team were to attack an
usher. Or get a DUI in the parking lot. Or get busted stealing lottery
tickets from 7-Eleven. Reading about Kenny Rogers' latest outburst
(where he went apeshit on a couple photographers) has us itching
for someone on the Dodgers to do something stupid (other than overthrow
three cutoff men). We used to be able to count on Milton Bradley
for a much-needed freak-out, but he's obviously been heavily drugged.
Even with plenty of time to get into trouble lately, he's been a
model citizen. What a drag. So who's going to step up? You can definitely
eliminate a few people. Hee Seop Choi won't get into trouble—he
lives with his sister. It won't be Cesar Izturis, since he doesn't
want to screw up his chances of being an All-Star more than he already
has. It won't be Jason Phillips, since he's too busy being interviewed
by Carolyn Hughes. Don't expect Mike Edwards, Jason Repko, or Cody
Ross to lead police on a high speed chase any time soon—at
least not until they spend a couple more seasons in Las Vegas. J.D.
Drew won't be getting into trouble, unless showing up late at church
can be considered 'trouble.' So who's it going to be? Our money
is on Derek Lowe. A couple of tough losses, a couple of beers, a
couple of assholes hassling him at a bar... one calls him Zack Morris,
the other makes fun of his necklace.... Ah, can't wait.
The
way things have been going for the Dodgers, they'd generally be
proud of scoring three runs—that is, if they actually scored
them on their own accord. Instead, all three runs came home in the
8th inning courtesy of Padres' reliever Rudy Seanez, who walked
in a run and threw two wild pitches with the bases loaded. Jeff
Kent stood on third base watching Seanez's first wild pitch, but
easily came home on his second. Right behind him was Jayson Werth,
taking a page out of Kirk Gibson's book to score from second base.
Werth's hustle was a rare spark in what's become a totally lethargic
season for the Dodgers, but it did nothing other than tease fans
into thinking the Dodgers could put together a magical comeback.
Olmedo Saenz struck out to end the "rally", and Duaner
Sanchez ended any thoughts of a comeback by immediately giving up
three runs in the top of the 9th. 
It
only took a couple pitches Monday for Dodger fans to begin muttering
"Here we go again." Damian Jackson led off the game with
what was initially ruled a ground rule double. A fan (and a brilliant
one at that) interfered with the ball as it headed into the stands
near the foul pole, umpires said. Jim Tracy, however, came out to
argue, saying the ball should have been ruled foul. The umpires
huddled and amazingly enough changed the call—to a home run.
Good work, Jim. Soon after, the Dodgers began to crack. They left
two guys on base in the bottom of the first inning, Antonio Perez
continued to make a case that he's not a third baseman, and D.J.
Houlton looked more like D.J. from Full House. By the second inning,
the Padres were up 4-0. Then, however, the tide began to turn. (Maybe
Olmedo Saenz went for a swim in the ocean.) Whatever the reason,
the Dodgers started hitting, D.J. started pitching, and the beachballs...
well, they continued to land on the field every 30 seconds. The
Dodgers pecked away at the lead, and by the fifth inning were ahead
5-4, never to look back. While there's a good chance that Cesar
Izturis may never get another major league hit, there's also a good
chance that Dodgers may never lose another game. What a team! What
momentum! (What a crock.) 
The Dodgers lost again on Sunday, 5-3 to the Angels. Combined with
the Padres' victory over Seattle, the Dodgers (or rather, these
guys in Dodger uniforms) now find themselves six and a half games
out of first place. Things are only getting worse for the Dodgers,
and the signs are everywhere.
The Dodgers lost in typical fashion on Friday against the Angels
(errors, strikeouts, and a failure to score), but their night began
with some unexpected news. Eric Gagne, as it turned out, didn't
need Tommy John surgery. A couple cuts away from ending Gagne's
career, Dr. Frank Jobe determined that Gagne's pain was the result
of pressure on a nerve in his elbow—not a torn ligament. "The
ligament was intact," Jobe said, "but there was a sensory
nerve that was running right along the elbow bone, along with the
ligament." Pressed to explain what the hell he was talking
about, Jobe admitted that it's all just fancy medical talk for a
much more common condition. "Basically, he had a splinter in
his arm," acknowledged Jobe. "How the hell should I have
known? I mean, I don't deal with crap like that. Hell, Olmedo Saenz
could have taken it out with his fingers." Told about Jobe's
comment, Saenz added "Yes, and they're sexy fingers."
It
looks like J.D. Drew might finally be headed to that place he calls
home: the disabled list. After 66 games without an injury, Drew
missed Wednesday's game with a bad knee... and figures to miss a
bunch more. The official diagnosis is 'chondromalacia'. Frankly
that sounds an awful lot like 'hypochondria', but whatever. We do
have to give the guy some credit, though, because no one expected
the 'J.D. Injury Free' counter to be on the site more than a couple
weeks. Watching Dodgers drop left and right, it's truly remarkable
that a guy with legs made of cardboard was one of the last ones
to fall. Drew is considered day-to-day, but if you listen to him
talk about his injury ("It feels like I get stuck with an ice
pick when my foot lands on the ground"), you've got to figure
it's more like month-to-month. And why not? It's not even July and
the Dodgers aren't too far from having every guy on the 25-man roster
do a stint on the DL. There's plenty of time for Kent, Izturis,
and Phillips to injure themselves—in fact, they might as well
just collide on the mound sometime next week (and take out Derek
Lowe while they're at it). While the news on Drew wasn't a total
shocker, here's some news that is: the Dodgers won.
Leave
it to the Dodgers to lose three times on Tuesday. First, they lost
Paul Bako for the season. Then, they lost Eric Gagne—probably
forever. Finally, they lost their eighth game in a row, getting
knocked off by the Padres. As familiar as the Dodgers have become
with losing, Tuesday's losses were pretty friggin' devastating...
well, except for the loss of Bako, of course, who's long been forgotten.
As for the loss of Gagne, allow us to speak for all Dodger fans
when we say the following: FUCK. While the news wasn't a surprise,
it was disturbing nonetheless to hear the definitive word that Gagne
will once again have pieces of Tommy John surgically attached to
his pitching elbow. It's even more disturbing considering that the
Dodgers didn't do a whole hell of a lot to stop this from happening.
(See '
There's
no denying that the Dodgers have had quite a few casualties this
season. Darren Dreifort, of course, was done before the season even
started—as was Ross Porter. Jose Valentin was lost early on.
Eric Gagne might be out for the year. No one has any idea when Milton
Bradley might return. Those casualties, however, pale in comparison
to the loss suffered Monday night. 
Before
we get to our daily bashing, it's time to toot our own horn again.
A couple weeks ago, when the Dodgers were in the midst of a brief
winning streak, we said that they'd continue to play well for a
few games, get to within two of the Padres, and then lose non-stop
for a week. Not to get a head the size of Jim Gott or anything,
but damn we're good. Seriously, doesn't it scare you a little bit?
We even correctly predicted that Jeff Kent—who had just one
error as of a week ago—would make a couple errors during the
week... which he did. To be fair, though, we also predicted that
the smiling red-headed Ricoh guy would chop our balls off, and that
hasn't happened yet. The sudden appearance of Ricoh copy machines
on the coffee table might be cause for concern, but thankfully the
testicles are still intact. Our prophecy aside, the Dodgers are
in real bad shape. Olmedo Saenz-like shape, actually. Bloated, slow,
full of tamales. On the heals of being swept by the Royals, the
Dodgers were swept by the White Sox on Sunday. Their lousy hitting
and poor defense continued, which wasn't much of a surprise. The
problem is that they added another little trick to their repertoire
this weekend: the late-inning collapse. After blowing it in the
9th on Saturday, they came right back to blow it in the 8th on Sunday.
Here's a question: What do you get when you combine a leadoff walk,
a terrible call, a Korean in the way, and a team that knows how
to bunt? You get your sixth loss in a row. It figures to get even
worse for the Dodgers this week, with Milton Bradley giving a doctor
the finger on Monday, and Eric Gagne having his fateful MRI on Tuesday.
(Gabor Paul Bako II is also having his knee checked out on Tuesday,
but other than Gabor Paul Bako I, does anyone care?)
For the first time since Opening Day, the Dodgers fell below .500
on Saturday—and did so in pathetic fashion. Considering their
impressive April, it's quite an accomplishment to have a losing
record just a month and a half later. They should be very proud
of themselves—after all, it's been a team effort. They can't
pitch, they can't hit in the clutch, they can't run, and they can't
stay healthy. They can't focus enough to beat the bad teams and
they can't step it up a notch to beat the good teams. They can't
execute hit and runs, they can't bunt, and they can't overcome early
deficits. Now, they can't hold leads either. Winning 3-1 going into
the ninth inning Saturday, the Dodgers turned to Yhency Brazoban,
and Yhency Brazoban turned to jelly. Making his first appearance
as closer since Eric Gagne's return to the DL, Brazoban began by
walking the leadoff hitter. A couple fastballs later, the White
Sox were celebrating, having come from behind to win 5-3. Note to
Yhency: when the guy on first base is a pinch-runner representing
the tying run, feel free to peek over there. Hell, maybe even toss
a throw over. Just an idea. Here's another idea for the Dodgers:
stop loading the bases. You obviously have no intention of scoring,
so why bother? Save us the aggravation and just go down in order.
A groundout, a pop-up, a strike out. Please, we're not asking a
lot.
It takes a very bad team to get swept by an even worse team. We
all know who got swept, although which team is actually worse might
be up for debate now. The Dodgers came to Kansas City on Tuesday
looking to get rich quick. All they got was a royal kick in the
nuts. The Royals, after all, had won just 21 games all season. Now,
thanks to the lifeless Dodgers, they have their longest winning
streak. The Dodgers, meanwhile, move on to Chicago wondering what
the hell happened. Well, here's the short of it: They went 3-for-23
with runners in scoring position. With that kind of futility, they're
lucky the three games were as close as they were. Thursday's game,
of course, got out of hand in the 6th after Antonio Perez botched
an inning-ending double play ball. Instead of the Dodgers taking
a 3-2 lead to the 7th, the Royals got an extra shot at Derek Lowe.
Typical of his pattern, Lowe immediately fell apart. Here's a new
rule for Jim Tracy to follow: the second Lowe's luck turns, you
yank him by his pooka shell necklace straight into the dugout. You'd
like to see a $35 million pitcher who won three series-clinching
postseason games in a matter of two weeks be able to suck up a mistake
and get out of a jam, but Lowe obviously can't do it. Adding insult
to injury for the Dodgers, the Padres were swept by Detroit—a
wasted opportunity for the Dodgers to creep up in the standings.
The only things creeping for the Dodgers these days are the fingers
of Jim Tracy whenever Jason Grabowski is near.
While they're still fresh in your mind, jot down your memories of
Eric Gagne. The goggles, the goatee, the way he lumbered in from
the bullpen. The way he'd follow up two 95 mile-per-hour fastballs
with a 60 mile-per-hour curve. The way he'd jab his fist in the
air after each save. Save those memories, because the only way you're
going to be welcomed to the jungle any time soon is if you take
a safari through the Amazon. Eric Gagne is likely done for the season,
possibly done for next year, conceivably done as a Dodger. While
another MRI won't be done until early next week, all signs point
to the unfortunate decline of one of the game's greatest closers
of all time. It shouldn't come as a surprise, though. Decline is
what happens to closers—especially when they're overworked
by crappy managers. After Paul DePodesta dumped Guillermo Mota last
season, Gagne was on the mound far too often, and far too long.
In August and September he showed obvious signs that he was beginning
to break down, as most closers do. If his fate wasn't sealed by
Tracy and DePodesta, though, it was definitely sealed when the Dodgers
signed him to a $19 million dollar deal in January. When the Dodgers
award contracts in double figures to pitchers, it's the kiss of
death. The kiss quickly got passionate in February, when Gagne was
shut down with a knee injury. He returned too soon from that, and
immediately injured his elbow. Now it's looking like he returned
too soon from that one, too. Since returning to the Dodgers a month
ago, Gagne hasn't been quite right—though he insisted that
he just needed some time to get back to full strength. He's a gamer,
and you've got to love his desire to be out there on the mound,
but there comes a time when you've got to listen to your body. On
Sunday, he didn't. While warming up in the bullpen, Gagne felt something
in his elbow. He knew it wasn't right, yet he pitched anyway. We
love the guy, but that was a stupid decision. Hopefully for the
Dodgers, the fans, and Gagne himself, it wasn't his last decision.
Tuesday marked the first time the Dodgers have ever played in Kansas
City (which, it turns out, is not in Kansas). You could tell that
Royals fans were excited to see the Dodgers coming to town—a
whopping 15,000 of them showed up. Actually, you can't blame them
considering that the Royals are twenty games out of first place.
While there's definitely a reason that the Royals are at the bottom
of the standings (they suck), the Dodgers did nothing to illustrate
the point. Jeff Weaver gave up two runs in the first inning and
a solo homer in the fifth (to a kid who was just called up from
Double-A), and the Dodgers went on to lose, 3-2. Both Dodger runs
came on solo shots—the first by Hee Seop Choi, his 37th homer
in the last week. It's terrific that the Dodgers are hitting home
runs, but it's a big problem when that's all they're doing—especially
when they're doing it with no one on base. The Dodgers last 10 runs
have all come on solo homers. With guys in scoring position Tuesday,
the Dodgers went 0-for-7. Even Hee Seop couldn't muster anything,
grounding out to end the game with Jason Repko standing on second.
Hee Seop is now hitless in his last four at-bats. Dude is a piece
of crap. It's time to sit him.
As witnessed by Hee Seop Choi's ridiculous weekend, baseball players
occasionally have incredible (and often illogical) hot streaks.
Well, it's no different for web sites. Take, oh, Dodger Blues for
example. While we're generally proud of our rants and sadistic predictions,
it's especially gratifying to watch the site actually affect what
goes on in between the lines. The past two weeks, that's exactly
what's been happening. 
What many people have already known for awhile was made official
on Sunday: there's no hitter in the major leagues as streaky as
Hee Seop Choi. This weekend, though, the Dodgers weren't complaining.
After coming into the Twins series in a 3-for-41 slump, Choi exploded
for six home runs, three coming on Sunday. Terry Mulholland exacted
a little bit of revenge for Choi's game-winning homer on Friday,
striking Choi out in his final at-bat Sunday, but that did little
to quiet the Choi chants at Dodger Stadium. If it wasn't for Jeff
Kent, though, Choi's homers wouldn't have meant anything. With the
game tied at three with two on and two out in the 6th, Brad Radke
popped one up to Choi. Looked like D.J. Houlton was going to get
out of the inning, but, uh-oh—suddenly Hee couldn't see. Hee
squinted and Hee shaded his eyes, but Hee was in trouble. Then out
of nowhere came Clark Kent, er, Jeff Kent to the rescue, grabbing
the ball as he crossed first base. The Dodgers, who fly to Kansas
City to get no-hit by Jose Lima on Wednesday, are now four games
above .500. Physically, however, they're a complete mess. Milton
Bradley, Odalis Perez, Ricky Ledee, Elmer Dessens, Wilson Alvarez...
all out. And now you can add Cesar Izturis to the list after he
pulled his hamstring on Saturday. One of the only guys staying healthy,
amazingly enough, is J.D. Drew—a guy who's knees are made of
cloth. Go figure.
Terry Mulholland had a 7.37 ERA in parts of two seasons with the
Dodgers. That was a few years ago, but thankfully for the Dodgers,
he's still just as lousy today. After the Dodgers blew chances to
break a 5-5 tie in the 6th, 7th, and 8th innings, all it took was
one pitch from Mulholland in the bottom of the ninth. Hee Seop Choi,
who had already homered in the first inning, drove Grey Beard's
first pitch high off the right field foul pole, giving the Dodgers
a 6-5 win. While it was bizarre to see Hee Seop go yard twice in
the same game, it was even more bizarre to see a major league team
turn to Terry Mulholland in the ninth inning of a tie game. It's
been seven years since Mulholland had an ERA of less than four,
five years since he's spent consecutive seasons on the same team,
and seventy-two years since he was born. Seemingly unaware of the
fact that he's terrible, Mulholland says he'd like to continue pitching
into his 50s. Uh-huh, and we'd like to get serviced by the Laker
Girls while we update the site.
As the Dodgers gain ground on the Padres, and Wilson Alvarez gains
weight in his thighs, Cesar Iztuis is gaining... well... hitless
at-bats. After going 0-for-4 on Wednesday, Izturis is now in an
0-for-25 funk. His last hit was right about the time that the league
released the first numbers for all-star voting. Izturis was fifth
among shortstops, obviously a joke considering the year he was having.
Depressed and demoralized over the lack of recognition, Cesar has
apparently thrown in the towel. No more multi-hit games, he decided.
No more hits at all, for that matter. If the million Dodger fans
who've attended games this season aren't willing to punch a hole
in a little card, Cesar isn't willing to punch a ball through the
infield. Fair enough. The Dodgers don't seem to care. With their
3-1 victory in the series finale against Detroit, they've won five
of the last seven, good enough to move them back into second place
in the West. Like we said a few days ago, they'll get to within
two games of the Padres, start getting cocky, and then lose non-stop
for a week. Whether that happens or not, though, it's still pretty
exciting that their outfield roster is three-fifths of the way to
being comprised entirely of Jasons.
They waited patiently, hiding in the dugout. Staring at their prey,
they drooled, panted, and then—when Jim Tracy removed Derek
Thompson—they pounced. Down 4-2 in the 6th inning, the Tigers
ripped apart the Dodgers' bullpen, sinking their fangs into Scott
Erickson and Duaner Sanchez en route to an 8-4 win. Erickson and
Sanchez combined to pitch one inning, giving up three home runs,
seven hits, and six earned runs. After Erickson couldn't get an
out in the 6th (officially making him one of the most useless pitchers
the team has ever had), the Dodgers brought in Franquelis Osoria
(Franquelis Osoria?) to stop the bleeding. Minutes later,
Sanchez served up two bombs, and that was that. It's a crazy thought,
but maybe Duaner should spend a little less time on his hair and
a little more time studying the scouting report. Here's another
crazy idea: if your starting pitcher is doing ok, leave his ass
in the game. Derek Thompson has pitched three decent games, and
each time has been pulled after the fifth inning. Let's see... leave
in a guy who's scattered six hits over five innings or bring in
a guy with a 7.00 ERA? Jim Tracy acts like his starting pitchers
have vaginas and can't make more than 85 pitches in a game. Friggin'
ridiculous.
When it comes to winning, there's nothing like a short game for
the Dodgers. The shorter the game, the less time Jim Tracy has to
screw things up. Monday's game took just two hours and nine minutes,
barely enough time to blow your weekly income on a couple beers.
As people arriving late to the stadium were passing those leaving
the game early, Derek Lowe was keeping the Tigers quiet. Lowe gave
up only one earned run, and didn't surrender a hit after the third
inning. Jeff Kent had four RBIs for the second game in a row, Eric
Gagne notched his sixth save of the season, and the Dodgers gained
a half game on the Padres, who were off. Winning four of their last
five, the Dodgers have moved to within four games of San Diego.
They'll likely continue their streak, get to within two, and then
lose nine of their next ten. One thing is for sure, those ten will
be without Wilson Alvarez. Skinny was placed on the 15-day DL on
Monday after throwing just two pitches in a bullpen session. The
Dodgers call it the 15-day DL, we call it the end of the line. Before
he came to the Dodgers, Alvarez missed something like two decades
with shoulder problems, and if it's the same injury that's resurfacing
now, you can call it a career. No way that's he got enough energy
left to work through another major injury. You can see it in his
face... he just wants dinner. Is it any coincidence that the letters
in his name can be re-arranged to spell 'I LOVE RAZN SLAW"?
We're not sure what razn slaw is, but there's no doubt he loves
it. 
Miraculously, the Dodgers won three of four from the Brewers this
weekend, moving them to a whopping two games over .500. Jayson Werth
and Jeff Kent each had four hits Sunday, and the Dodger bullpen
was fairly solid for a change, giving up a run over four innings.
Jim Tracy did one of his "I'll pull the starting lineup out
of a hat" tricks, starting Oscar Robles and Mike Rose, and
putting Kent at first base. However nonsensical, it worked, with
the Dodgers banging out 15 hits in their 10-6 victory over the Brewers.
Terrific, but it was just that: a victory over the Brewers.
Which got us thinking... as difficult as it is to be a Dodger fan,
imagine being a fan of the Milwaukee Brewers. In their 35-year history,
the Brewers have finished the season in second place or higher three
times. They finished the season in first place just once, in 1982.
In comparison, the Dodgers have finished in first place six times—since
1982. Here's a challenge: name 10 guys who played for the Brewers
before the year 2000. Paul Molitor, Robin Yount, Cecil Cooper...
uh... B.J Surhoff... um... Gary Sheffield... hmmm... oh, Greg Brock...
uh.... uh.... uh.... See, you can't do it. Only six guys ever played
for the Brewers before 2000. Wait, it's actually seven (we forgot
about Sixto Lezcano, who has the 10th highest OBP in Brewers' franchise
history). Our point is this: it can suck to be a Dodger fan, but
at least we didn't have to spend the 1980's wearing a hat with a
nausea-inducing blue and yellow glove.
Keep clear down below, because the Dodgers are hovering... at .500,
that is. Assuming that they manage to avoid total collapse (which
is a huge assumption considering the state of the team), you can
pretty much expect them to hover around .500 for the rest of the
season. Their offense is medicore at best, their defense is mediocre
at best, their bullpen is mediocre at best, and their starting pitching—which
was their strength coming into the season—is terrible at best.
At worst, their starting pitching is a goddamn nightmare. Generally,
it's somewhere in between. Aside from Brad Penny, whose arm figures
to give out any day now, their isn't a guy on the staff who can
be counted on for a solid seven innings. Actually, Jeff Weaver pitched
seven solid innings on Friday night. Only problem is that the seven
innings came after he allowed a first inning grand slam. As for
the other three guys who began the season in the rotation, Odalis
Perez is too injured to pitch, Scott Erickson is too awful to pitch,
and Derek Lowe is too unpredictable to instill much confidence.
The Dodgers would like to turn to their crappy backup starters,
but Elmer Dessens is hurt and Wilson Alvarez is too fat. So they've
turned to the unproven, dropping Derek Thompson and D.J. Houlton
into the rotation. They're about two injuries away from bringing
Steve Lyons in to pitch. Or to play the outfield, for that matter.
With Milton Bradley down, Jayson Werth struggling, and J.D. Drew
overdue for a torn groin, the question marks are popping up everywhere.
Even Cesar Izturis is struggling (which you had to expect as soon
as people started having conniption fits about him being overlooked
on the All-Star ballot). It's not all bad though... at least Duaner
Sanchez had his pants shortened.
For the last month, everyone's been waiting for something to shake
the Dodgers out of their slump. On Wednesday night, Dodger Blues
did the shaking—calling out J.D. Drew for his lack of clutch
hitting. Thursday, Drew responded, hitting two home runs, including
a tie-breaking 2-run homer in the 6th inning off Ben Sheets (or
Bin Sheets, if you talk with Drew's southern drawl). If we'd have
known all it took was a little shit-talking, we would have ripped
Drew a new one back in April. Maybe it's time to go after someone
else. Hmmmm... how about Jason Phillips. Dude couldn't throw out
a runner if there were speed bumps between first and second. An
amputee would have a better chance at nailing a guy at second. Jason
Phillips is a girl. (There, he should throw out 2 or 3 guys on Friday
night.) Ok, on to Oscar Robles. This guy couldn't hit a beachball
with a tennis racket. An amputee would have a better chance at getting
a hit. Oscar Robles is a girl. (There, he'll get the game-winning
pinch hit on Friday.) Ok, Rick Monday's turn. That guy couldn't
make less sense if he talked out of his rectum. An amputee would
do a better job calling a game. Rick Monday is a big, ugly girl.
(There, he'll actually give the score on Friday.) Dodger fans, you're
welcome.
If there's a lesson to be learned from the fact that the Dodgers'
are now a .500 ballclub, it's this: trust your instincts. Before
the season started, everyone knew that the Dodgers weren't any good.
You knew it, we knew it, God knew it... hell, even Paul DePodesta
knew it, although he would never admit it. As it so happened, though,
the first two weeks of the season (a 24-week season, mind you) went
incredibly well for the Dodgers. Against our better judgment, we
all started wondering if they were actually a decent team. Fans
and players alike agreed that they weren't as good as their 12-2
record would indicate, but also weren't as bad as first thought.