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> JUNE 2008 June 29, 2008 - Angels 1, Dodgers 0
Only with Delwyn Young’s ninth-inning single did the Dodgers avoid equaling the most pathetic two-game offensive performance in Major League history. Fifteen times a team has managed only two hits over two games. Hitless, of course, on Saturday, the Dodgers got just three hits on Sunday to stay out of the record books. John Lackey—who has as much of his face below his mouth as above it—pitched a gem, going 8-2/3 innings and striking out nine. The Dodgers had a murmur of protest in the ninth, loading the bases with two outs for James Loney. After working the count to 2-2 and awakening what remained of the 48,000 in attendance, Loney grounded out weakly to second base to end the game. Mike Scioscia was happy, because it was time for a hamburger. June 27, 2008 - Dodgers 6, Angels 0
Park went six innings, struck out seven, and didn’t allow a run. Brian Falkenborg—returning to the Dodgers this week for the first time in four years—followed with a scoreless inning, and then Jonathan Broxton and Takashi Saito struck out the last six Anaheim batters. A first inning home run from Russell Martin gave the Dodgers all the runs they would need, although they added five more—including three on a shot to right by Andre Ethier. Thankfully fans in red were kept quiet on Friday, a rare occasion in the Southern California rivalry since the Angels have won something like 112 of the last 113 games against the Dodgers. The victory moves the Dodgers to within 2-1/2 games of first-place Arizona. Hell, with Scott Proctor on the disabled list, the Dodgers may actually have a shot. June 24, 2008 - White Sox 6, Dodgers 1
Derek Lowe, meanwhile, almost matched Buehrle in efficiency on Tuesday, making just 105 pitches over eight innings. All was good until the eighth, when the shit hit the fan. Lowe gave up two singles and a home run, and Cory Wade came in to give up a triple and a base hit. A 2-1 pitcher’s duel was suddenly a 6-1 runaway, and not even a scoreless inning from Ramon Troncoso could help the Dodgers. Delwyn Young accounted for the only Dodgers run, hitting his first home run of the year in the fifth inning, and the Dodgers remain four games back of Arizona—and remain interleague ass clowns.
June 22, 2008 - Dodgers 4, Indians 3
Chad Billingsley pitched an unimpressive five innings (3 runs, 8 hits), but four Dodger relievers pitched a scoreless inning each. It’s no coincidence, of course, that none of those relievers were named Scott Proctor. In fact, there’s a pretty good chance that Scott Proctor had been bound to a chair in the clubhouse prior to the game. The victory enabled the Dodgers to avoid a sweep, something that would have been embarrassing considering Cleveland’s record on the road. The victory also earned them a game in the standings, moving them to within 3-1/2 of the Arizona Diamondbacks. What a joke. The Dodgers have about as much business being 3-1/2 games out of first place as OJ Simpson has freely walking the streets. June 19, 2008 - Dodgers 7, Reds 4
Jeff Kent’s seventh inning error on Thursday opened the way for the Reds to score four, but the Dodgers hung on to win, 7-4. The Dodgers knocked out fourteen hits—including a home run by Matt Kemp and five doubles—and scored in five innings. They were given a big boost by Eric Stults, just called up to replace Brad Penny. Stults went 6+ innings, giving up just six hits and an earned run. More importantly, Stults did something Penny hasn’t been able to do for about six weeks: win a game. June 17, 2008 - Dodgers 3, Reds 1
Stults’ promotion—undoubtedly to be followed by a demotion in the coming weeks—was made possible by Brad Penny’s inflamed bursa sac. According to doctors, the bursa sac is in the shoulder, but I’m not buying it. Anyhow, it’s hard not to look at this as the beginning of the end for Penny. An MRI taken on Monday revealed no structural damage to Penny’s arm, but here he is going on the DL with something the medical staff seems to have invented. Just doesn’t seem promising. The Dodgers say he’ll be out only a couple weeks, but they said the same thing about Jason Schmidt, too—and my grandma has pitched in more games since then. On the field, the Dodgers finally ended their five-game losing streak, overpowering the Reds, 3-1. (And by overpowering, I mean the Dodgers had seven hits to the Reds’ six.) Juan Pierre, Jeff Kent, and Russell Martin each knocked in runs, and Chad Billingsley struck out nine over 6-1/3 innings. The victory puts the Dodgers six wins away from .500 and about fifteen consecutive wins away from me beginning to even give a shit.
June 15, 2008 - Tigers 5, Dodgers 4
On Sunday, the Dodgers suffered their fifth loss in a row—a 5-4 defeat at the hands of the Detroit Tigers. Clayton Kershaw pitched four scoreless four innings but remained winless. He was pulled after a 45-minute rain delay in favor of Chan Ho Park, who gave up five runs on eight hits in just over an inning. The Dodgers waited until the ninth inning to make a move, scoring four and leaving the tying run in scoring position. Such a shame that they didn’t score a fifth run because I was really looking forward to watching them lose the game in extra innings. The Dodgers now head to Ohio to face the Reds on Tuesday—by which time Brad Penny might have joined Andruw Jones, Rafael Furcal, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Schmidt, and Gary Bennett on the disabled list. Penny is scheduled to have an MRI on his pitching shoulder on Monday, and he’d better hope the doctors find something wrong. If they don’t, then what? We just accept that he sucks and move on with our lives? The way that guy’s been pitching, there’d better be a rat eating away at his ligaments. June 12, 2008 - Padres 9, Dodgers 0
Well, there was no blowing a lead for the Dodgers on Thursday since they never had one to begin with. Kind of difficult to have a lead when you don’t score and your pitcher gets the shit kicked out of him in the first inning. Hiroki Kuroda’s last start (against the best team in baseball): 9 IP, 4 H, 0 ER, 0 BB, 11 K. Kuroda’s start on Thursday (against one of the worst teams in baseball): 2 1/3 IP, 5 H, 6 ER, 4 BB, 2 K. Thanks for the consistency, Hiroki. I’d also like to thank the guys who made the schedule because the 12:35 start on Thursday meant I didn’t have to waste three hours of my life watching the Dodgers flail away helplessly. Jake Peavy—fresh of the DL—utterly blanked the Dodgers for six innings, and three Padres relievers combined to shut the Dodgers down for the final three. "Nothing was real sharp and electric, by any means," said Peavy, further insulting the Dodgers who now possess a doodie-in-the-face record of 31-35. June 10, 2008 - Dodgers 7, Padres 2
It was a pitcher’s duel for six innings, with Greg Maddux and Clayton Kershaw each holding the opposition to a run—and Kershaw wondering when the fuck the Dodgers were planning on giving him some run support. The Dodgers blew chances early in the game and it looked like they’d blow another opportunity in the bottom of the seventh. The opportunity came thanks to two retarded plays in the outfield by the Padres—one by Brian Giles and the other by Justin Huber. Just when it looked like the Dodgers would leave the bases loaded, though, Russell Martin punched an outside pitch from Heath Bell (separated at birth from Jonathan Broxton) through the right side, giving the Dodgers the lead. Matt Kemp than beat out an infield grounder to score Jeff Kent and Martin—who hustled around from second base and safely made it home with the slide of the year. Slides don’t get much attention—probably because most guys don’t know how to slide—but I actually admire a smart slide more than anything else in baseball. Well, except for maybe banging a teammate’s hot little sister. The win was a good one for the Dodgers, mainly because they’re usually the ones embarrassing themselves in San Diego. I shouldn’t speak too soon, though, as there are still two games left in the series—plenty of time for the Dodgers true colors to shine through. June 8, 2008 - Cubs 3, Dodgers 1
After beating the Cubs on Friday and Saturday, the Dodgers slipped back into their old ways Sunday, managing just four hits and a run—the run courtesy of a Chicago error. Angel Berroa picked up right where Chin-lung Hu and Luis Maza left off, going 0-for-3 with two strikeouts. (Incidentally, did Berroa win Rookie-of-the-Year in ’03 or ’73? That guy’s at least fifty years old.) Brad Penny remained winless this decade, losing his eighth game of the season. In giving up just three runs over six innings, though, his ERA dropped to a sexy 5.38. The Dodgers, meanwhile, drop to three games below .500 and remain four back of the Diamondbacks. There is some good news, however: Russell Martin can shave that horrific thing off his face. June 7, 2008 - Dodgers 7, Cubs 3
Partial credit for Saturday’s win goes to Matt Kemp, who had a big 3-run homer off Carlos Zambrano in the Dodgers’ five-run seventh inning, but it was Russell Martin who went 3-for-4 with 3 RBIs—on the second day of his moustache. Maybe Martin is trying to impress Jeff Kent, maybe he’s planning on molesting children, or maybe he’s doing porn, but whatever the reason for the ‘stache, it’s worked wonders for the Dodgers. Prior to the ‘stache, the Dodgers had lost 11 of 14. With the filthiness, they’re 2-0. Of course there may be another reason for the winning streak: I haven’t watched the last two games. Twenty bucks says I watch on Sunday and they get the shit kicked out of them. June 5, 2008 - Cubs 5, Dodgers 4
But just when you come to grips with the inevitable loss, what do they do? They inch back in the game. Two runs in the fifth, one in the sixth, and then a Jeff Kent home run (his second of the night) ties it in the bottom of the eighth. Holy shit, you scream, the Dodgers just came back against the best team in baseball. This is it, they’re going to win. And then Takashi Saito gives up a leadoff double. And then he hits a batter. Dammit, you mutter, it’s all over. How could I be so foolish to think the Dodgers would win? But then Derek Lee strikes out. And suddenly Saito has Kosuke Fukudome 0-2. Hell, if he can get Fukudome, maybe Saito can get out of the jam. But he doesn’t get Fukudome. The count goes to 2-2 and Fukudome singles in the go-ahead run. Christ, what’s the deal with Saito? Dejected, you watch the Dodgers go into the bottom of the ninth down by a run—and with James Loney, Blake DeWitt, and Chin-lung Poo coming up. Not a chance in hell that these three will score off of Kerry Wood, but you keep watching because you’re a loser. Or maybe you’re not a loser because friggin’ Loney just stretched a base hit into a double! Tying run on second, nobody out. Before you can get too excited, though, Blake DeWitt strikes out. Up steps Hu, whose triple earlier in the game was like his first hit since April. The fact that Chin-lung Hu is the best the Dodgers can do with the tying run on second base in the bottom of the ninth makes you want to barf, but you hold in the chunks and watch Hu pop out. The chunks rise up again when you see the Dodgers last great hope walk to the plate: Terry Tiffee. With your finger hovering over the power button on the remote, Tiffee gets hit by Wood’s 0-2 pitch. Winning run on base! But for who? Juan Friggin’ Pierre. Jesus, you think, does the parade of shitty batters ever end? To your surprise, though, Pierre draws a walk. And it comes down to this: bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded, Matt Kemp. You’re not holding the remote anymore. You’ve moved to the edge of the couch. You’re biting your arms. You’re thinking that Kemp could actually do this. Ball one. The momentum is changing. Ball two. Sure, you’ll take a walk! Unfortunately however, Kemp won’t, as you watch him swing and miss at ball three. Asshole! Then he takes one down the middle. Asshole! Then, with the final kick in the nuts, Wood blows one past Kemp. Game over. So…. why? Why even bother? If it was in the cards for them to lose, why not just lose 4-0 and save us all some grief, some time, and some fingernails? Why ruin our night? Why ruin our lives? Sons of bitches. June 3, 2008 - Rockies 3, Dodgers 0
Whatever might have transpired earlier in the game to set up the bench-clearing mini-brawl (an inside pitch from Cory Wade to Torrealba?), Matt Kemp was clearly looking for a fight. He was 0-for-3 at the time, the Dodgers hadn't gotten a guy to third base off Jeff Francis, and the Arizona Diamondbacks had already lost. So let's beat the shit out of someone. While the scuffle might have been the best Dodger/Rockies fight since hoodlums Darryl Strawberry and Eric Davis were on the team, Kemp was completely out of line (unless, of course, Torrealba said somethin' about Kemp's momma). He was even more out of line to be caught laughing in the dugout afterwards. Kemp will undoubtedly face a suspension, but maybe there's some way for him to transfer it to Chin-lung Hu instead. Hu was hitless again on Tuesday, but he wasn't alone. The Dodgers got just four hits off Francis and only two more the rest of the game. It was the fourth time they've been shut out this season and the seventh time in the last dozen games that they've scored two or fewer runs. It was Brad Penny on the short end of the run support problem Tuesday, although Penny was far from perfect himself. While it was probably Penny's best outing in a month, he walked four, balked, and committed an error. Yes, his best outing. Can't imagine why the Dodgers are two games below .500. June 2, 2008 - Dodgers 8, Rockies 2
Whatever they needed, they apparently got, as they went out and beat the Rockies, 8-2. Derek Lowe pitched eight strong innings to earn his first win in over a month and the Dodger offense found the power they've been lacking all season. It helped, of course, that they were facing guys with ERAs pushing quadruple figures, but the Dodgers will take what they can get. To be truthful, partial credit for the win should go to DB. After Sunday's game I called out Matt Kemp and Jeff Kent, among others, and both responded Monday with home runs. I couldn't quite make out the middle finger Kemp had extended as he was rounding the bases in the seventh inning, but I'm pretty sure it was there. Andre Ethier hit one out as well, and even Mark Sweeney got into the action, doubling for the second time this season. Speaking of doubles, Chin-lung Hu didn't have one. He didn't single either. In fact, he was hitless, just as he's been for the last six games. How long before the Dodgers try Jaime Jarrin at short? June 1, 2008 - Mets 6, Dodgers 1
Sunday’s loss—in the team's final game ever at Shea Stadium—was the Dodgers’ sixth in the last seven games and eighth in their last ten. They’re two games below .500 and are showing very few signs that they’re even interested in winning. Not to point fingers, but it’s time to call some guys out. Matt Kemp. You’re 6’-2”, 230 and had seven home runs in your first fifteen major league games. You have a lousy three so far this season. It’s terrific that you’re hitting .300, but the Dodgers need you to go long. Also, it might be nice if you learn how to run the fucking bases. Jeff Kent. I know you mentally checked out about three years ago, but the .248 average just isn’t cool. And I know you’re older than dirt, but at least make it look like you’re running your hardest to first base… even if you’re not. Russell Martin. What’s with the five-hop throws to second base? I know everyone kisses your ass and tells you how great you are, but you’re still young and you’ve got plenty to prove. Mike Easler. The moment Don Mattingly decides he’s had enough of his family, you’d better pack your bags. Rick Honeycutt. The Dodgers’ ace hasn’t won a game in a month and it doesn’t appear that you’re doing a goddamn thing about it. When a good pitcher goes into a slump, your only job is to figure out what he’s doing wrong. Start doing your job. Ned Colletti. I have no hesitation saying that the Dodgers’ mediocrity is about 97% your fault. You’ve kept a lot of the kids around, which is terrific, but you’ve surrounded them with overpaid veterans who are physically incapable of shouldering part of the load. Los Angeles would be a far better place if you’d go back to San Francisco and jump off any one of those friggin’ bridges.
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On the heels of Saturday’s bizarre hitless victory, there was a far more common occurrence at Dodger Stadium on Sunday: the Dodgers offense failed to score for Derek Lowe. It was Lowe’s eighth loss of the year, and in those losses, the Dodgers have scored a total of seven runs. If Lowe—who gave up just a run on Sunday—doesn’t beat the crap out of a couple people in the clubhouse today, he’s a better man than I. 
It’s been nine years since that fateful day of karate at Dodger Stadium, but can you watch Chan Ho Park face the Angels without thinking about the famous kick? Somewhere, Tim Belcher is sitting on his couch with a cleat scar on his chest. Meanwhile, Park is still kicking—and he kicked the crap out of the Angels on Friday night. 
The Dodgers lost to the Chicago White Sox on Tuesday, 6-1, but there was good news if you happened to be attending the game: It lasted only two hours so odds are you missed it. Mark Buehrle wasted no time mowing down the Dodger lineup, making just ninety-five pitches over eight innings and yielding just six hits. Buehrle picked up his 1,000th career strike out in the eighth inning and appropriately enough it was Mark Sweeney (who has struck out 1,000 times since May). It’s a good thing the Dodgers don’t face Buehrle regularly—not because they can’t hit him, but because it’s a fucking struggle to spell his name.
The last twenty-eight Dodger batters came and went fruitlessly on Sunday afternoon, so it’s a good thing the first four batters were productive. A single, two doubles, and a home run gave the Dodgers a quick 4-0 lead off of Cleveland starter Paul Byrd, and the Dodgers hung on to win, 4-3... in front of about 3,000 fans—half of whom melted into their seats by the third inning. 
I know it may be hard to believe that a team with Paul Bako behind the plate could get swept, but that’s exactly what happened this week in Cincinnati. Even harder to believe (and I’m being serious about this one) is that the Dodgers were on the winning end of the sweep. Going into Cincinnati having lost, I don’t know, pretty much every game they’ve played this month, the Dodgers certainly managed to turn things around. Their pitching was solid (though not spectacular), their offense showed signs of life (well, except for Mark Sweeney, of course), and their defense was… well… it could have been worse. 
If you’re an LA sports fan depressed over the Lakers’ loss to Boston, don’t despair. There’s still reason for excitement: Eric Stults was called up from the minors to start for the Dodgers on Thursday. What a lift.
Over the last twenty years, the Dodgers have had some terrible teams. The 1989 Dodgers sucked, the 1992 Dodgers lost 99 games, the 1999 Dodgers were a mess, and the 2005 Dodgers finished twenty games below .500. I can honestly say, though, that this is the first time that I’ve actually lost the desire to watch the Dodgers play. There’s something about this 2008 team that makes me want to sell my Dodger hats at a garage sale and go buy hampsters instead. And then name the hampsters Juan Pierre, Brad Penny, and Scott Proctor. And then set the hampsters on fire. The only person who appears to care less than I do is Joe Torre. I see him in the dugout and I’m pretty sure he’s plotting his own death.
Losing 9-0 to the Padres is pretty sad, but maybe Dodger fans can find some comfort in knowing that it wasn’t the worst performance of an L.A. team on Thursday. With the Lakers blowing the biggest NBA Finals lead in almost 40 years, here’s guessing we may see a few less Escalades sporting Lakers flags this weekend. (God can only hope.) 
If your deranged neighbor beats a litter of kittens with a rake, he probably doesn’t get honored by PETA. If a college kid fails his history midterm and final exams, he probably doesn’t get an A in the class. If a teenage girl runs over a 89-year-old guy with a walker during her driving test, she probably doesn’t get her license. But if a baseball player comes into a tie game and immediately wild pitches the go-ahead run home? Yep, give him the win. Though Scott Proctor screwed things up for the Dodgers with just one pitch on Tuesday night, he was the pitcher of record when the Dodgers busted out for five runs in the bottom of the seventh en route to a 7-2 win over San Diego. 
Nice to see the Dodgers really step it up for those national broadcasts. Featured last weekend on Sunday Night Baseball, the Dodgers were no match for the Mets, losing 6-1. The story was pretty much the same tonight, with the Dodgers losing to the Cubs, 3-1. I’m guessing it might be about five or six years before ESPN decides to waste another broadcast by including the Dodgers.
You can hardly call two victories a winning streak, but for the Dodgers it’s a friggin’ windfall—especially when the victories come against the Chicago Cubs. Hiroki Kuroda pitched the Dodgers’ best game in three years on Friday, and Derek Lowe pitched seven strong innings Saturday. It all figures to end Sunday when Brad Penny takes the mound, but for now I’ll let the Dodgers act like they’re something special. 
Sometimes I’m pretty sure the Dodgers were put on this planet solely to fuck with us. What other explanation is there for a game like Thursday’s? The Dodgers were down early, and down big. By the fourth inning, they were down by four runs, and considering their offensive funk of late, four runs looked like a dozen. Not what you wanted to see, but you’re a Dodger fan, so you accept it. Another day, another weak loss.
A few thoughts crossed my mind as Matt Kemp and Yorvit Torrealba got into it at the end of the 8th inning on Tuesday: (1) After swinging at a pitch that bounced ten feet short of the plate, Kemp would have attacked a nun had she been standing there, (2) There was a 90% chance that some Dodger would end up on the DL from being crushed at the bottom of the pile, and (3) Why the hell wasn't I at the game??? 
After losing all but one game on their latest road trip, the Dodgers returned to L.A. early Monday morning badly in need of the comforts of home. A visit with the kids... a home-cooked meal... a blowjob. 
The Dodgers have been an embarrassment much of the season, but Sunday they got the opportunity to be an embarrassment on national television. They certainly made the most of the opportunity. Aside from a quick run in the first inning, the Dodgers did nothing at all. They got only six hits (all but one of which was a single), and gave up five runs in the third inning (all with two outs). The Dodgers showed exactly why they don’t even register on the nation’s baseball radar anymore: they’re just plain dull. Obviously it didn’t help that they were facing Johan Santana, but I don’t think it would have made a difference if Carlos Santana was on the mound.