> MARCH 2005

The Dodgers, in name only, broke camp on Thursday and flew west. Ending the Grapefruit League schedule with a win, they got to spend the five-hour flight doing something they have apparently yet to do all spring: get to know one another. Unless you're talking about an expansion team, it's not too often that a team starts a season with 25 guys who barely know each other. Earlier in the week, the Dodgers called a team meeting... mainly just to pretend like they're a team. Prior to the meeting, it seems the only thing the Dodgers talked to each other about was how they could hear a pin (or needle?) drop in the clubhouse. Considering the changes that were made over the offseason, it's no surprise that the chemistry isn't quite there. What is a surprise, however, is that Milton Bradley has emerged as the man intent on changing that. Milton Bradley, lunatic. Milton Bradley, nutcase. Milton Bradley, time bomb. Milton Bradley... leader?? Well, why not. As long as he doesn't lead guys to hurl balls onto the field, hurl bottles into the stands, or hurl expletives at police officers, Bradley might be the man. A leader plays hard. Bradley does. A leader is passionate. Bradley is. A leader scares people. Bradley can. There's no doubt that he's got the intensity and desire to win that a team leader needs. There is doubt, however, whether he's mature enough to handle the role. Leaders don't rip their uniforms off on the field. Leaders don't call reporters "Uncle Toms". Leaders don't run out of the stadium after a teammate puts eye black in their hat. Oh wait... yes they do. Anyway, the point is this: While Milton Bradley has what it takes to be a leader, he also has what it takes to mislead. For the sake of the Dodgers, we're hoping he truly does have his shit together. (Of course, somewhere deep down, we'd love to see him lose it in a team meeting and spray piss all over the locker room.)

March 29, 2005
Grabowski's first K, one week away

Ready or not, here it comes. After a busy, depressing, and frustrating offseason, Opening Day is just a week away. In years past, Dodger fans would have been counting down the days right about now. Opening Day meant triple-checking your VCR, taking off work, or sneaking a radio into English class to listen to Vinny eloquently christen the new season. This year, Opening Day doesn't seem to have the same ring. This year, the team might want to make some wake-up calls to their fans.

"Hello Greg? This is the Los Angeles Dodgers calling."

"Who?"

"The Los Angeles Dodgers. You're one of our fans."

"Oh, yeah. Don't remind me."

"Greg, we're calling to remind you that the new season beings next Tuesday. This is L.A. baseball."

"Um, what is L.A. baseball?"

"This, Greg... this is L.A. baseball."

"Oh. Thanks. I'm excited now. Can't wait until Tuesday."

"Excellent, Greg. We'd also like to remind you that we're putting you, the fan, even closer to the action this year."

"Oh really, you moved the bleachers closer?"

"No, Greg, baseline field box seats are now lust 11 inches from the field of play."

"Excellent, I can choke Jose Valentin."

"Terrific, Greg. We'd also like to remind you that we've completely remodeled the Dugout Club, and although 99.9% of the public can't afford to ever see it, it's just one of the things we're doing to prove that you, the ridiculously wealthy fan, comes first."

"Um, I'm not a ridiculously wealthy fan."

"Sorry Greg, wrong number

March 26, 2005
Never leaving Las Vegas

Inching ever closer to Opening Day, the Dodgers cut their roster on Saturday, sending eight men down to triple-A. Among the eight were three guys who've become quite familiar with triple-A: Joe Thurston, Edwin Jackson, and Chin Feng Chen. Thurston was handed the Dodgers' second base job in '03... and lost it. Jackson was handed a spot in the Dodgers' rotation in '04... and lost it. Chen has been brought up to the big leagues each of the past three seasons... and has yet to get a hit. Now, the trio goes back to Vegas where their stocks will continue to plummet like a duck that dies in mid-air. Don't be surprised if Joe Thurston is at the wheel next time you get into a cab outisde the Luxor. Don't be shocked if you sit down at a Bellagio poker table and Edwin Jackson is standing across from you wearing a little maroon vest. Don't be stunned if you dish out $100 for a show only to see Chin Feng Chen get mauled by a tiger. Between the three of them, they've played in 61 major league games. Between the three of them, they won't play in 61 more. (And playing for the Devil Rays doesn't count.) Let's be serious. The Dodgers' pitching staff is hurting (Penny, Alvarez, etc.), yet they'd rather go with Elmer Dessens or Ryan Rupe than Jackson. That's not a great sign. Likewise, the Dodgers have turned to Antonio Perez and Jeff Kent to fill the infield, squeezing Thurston out of the picture completely. Then there's Chen, who's never really been in the picture at all. Frankly, we're pretty sure he just sneaks his way into Dodgertown each spring. Never Leaving Las Vegas... coming soon to a triple-A ballfield near you.

March 23, 2005
Spreading the blues in Florida

Four days in Florida. Three Dodger games. Two flight delays. And one Dodger Blues sticker autographed by a clueless (albeit personable) Frank McCourt. Thankfully, the uniqueness of Dodgertown amply makes up for the dullness of Vero Beach itself (which is essentially a cemetery with a ton of palm trees and an IHOP). Stepping onto the grounds of Dodgertown is truly a moving experience—even though most of the visitors can barely move at alll. Everywhere you look there's a ballfield, a golf cart, and someone in blue. Vin Scully Way winds through the complex, souvenirs are sold in a tent, and only a yellow rope separates fans from Jose Flores. We've got tons of pictures, stories, and observations to share with you, but since sleep wasn't a big part of the trip, we'll have to spread out the fun over the next week or so. For now, here are a few random tidbits we thought you should know:

• Jose Valentin doesn't have a sense of humor.
• Kim Ng drives a golf cart like she's driving a Ferrari on PCH.
• The only mode of transportation Manny Mota doesn't use is a camel.
• Floridians love Wendy's but hate street signs.
• There are a lot of girls in Vero Beach named Ginger.
• Sandy Koufax doesn't respond to people who drive around Vero yelling, "Hey Sandy, where the F are you?"
• Either all the mailboxes in the town were ripped out by the hurricane or people just don't mail things.
• Even the Dodger players give Wilson Alvarez a hard time.
• Tommy Lasorda only signs autographs for women, children, or people who offer him meatballs.
• Judging from the warning signs on the urinals, there are apparently pecker-eating insects in Vero Beach.

March 18, 2005
Give us liberty, or give us... Jason Phillips?

Occasionally, the Dodgers come very close to doing things right. The only problem is that they do it at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons, and at the wrong price. Dealing Shawn Green, for example, wasn't a bad idea—paying $10 million of his salary, however, was a bad idea. Well, they're at it again, with rumors swirling that the Dodgers are on the verge of trading Kazuhisa Ishii to the Mets for backup catcher Jason Phillips. Look, there's very little in life that would make us happier than dumping Ishii. We don't like watching him pitch. We don't like watching him try to bunt. We don't like watching him tug his pants halfway up his chest. We don't like him, period. But considering that half of the Dodgers' starters won't be ready for opening day, is this really the time to trade him? In exchange for a backup catcher? The Dodgers need another backup catcher like Southern California needs more rain. Maybe Paul DePodesta knows something we don't and wants a monopoly on backup catchers. Maybe he's going for the all-goggle team. Maybe he just dislikes Ishii even more than we do. Or maybe he realizes that Ishii's value will never be higher than it is right now considering that he's yet to give up an earned run this spring. Whatever the reason (COUGH—money), it's a typically strange deal. Jason Phillips is an improvement over David Ross, but not enough of an improvement to warrant dumping a starting pitcher when the rotation (which about a month ago was considered the team's only strength) is now a huge question mark. Not that anyone gives a shit what we think, but we'd start the season with Ishii and Ross. When Perez and Penny get healthy, then you deal Ishii. You can be sure there'll be a couple teams losing pitchers the first month or two of the season. Someone out there will take Ishii... maybe not for a guy so impressive as Jason Phillips (who hit .218 last season), but maybe Jason Romano. Or Jason Robards.

March 15, 2005
Welcome to Deception Depo

When Paul DePodesta was hired by the Dodgers, we knew he was different. When he traded Paul Lo Duca and Dave Roberts, we knew he was serious. When he unloaded half the team this winter, we knew his computer malfunctioned. What we're begining to know now—as people who've left the organization have begun to talk—is that he might just be completely full of shit. He tells Adrian Beltre that he's their priority... but makes a meager effort to back it up with actions. He acquired Steve Finley last season, telling the outfielder that the team would keep him if he performed... yet Finley wasn't even offered arbitration. He repeatedly told the media that he wasn't trying to trade Shawn Green... while simultaneously typing up new offers to Arizona. He says that the Dodgers had every intention of brining special assistant Joey Amalfitano back... but never bothered to tell Joey. DePodesta hasn't gone so far as to admit that he's overwhelmed, but he's acknowledged that the front office has had some communication issues. (They call them communication issues, we call them lies, but whatever.) We don't run a baseball team, but from the outside it sure as hell seems like it would be easier to just tell the goddamn truth. Maybe the problem is that they don't know the truth. Just because DePodesta and Friends are running a baseball team doesn't necessarily mean they know what the hell they're doing. That's where the deception comes in. Deception buys them time—time to figure out what the hell they're doing and then how to spin what the hell they're doing in their favor. Where it's not blatant deception, it's a bunch of noncommittal garbage (something DePodesta, Frank McCourt, and especially Jim Tracy are great at dishing out). Either way, it's out of control. Take Scott Erickson, who's fighting for a spot on the roster. According to the L.A. Times, Erickson hasn't been told that he's made the rotation but has been told he would pitch every five days. What the hell is that? It's like telling your kid that you bought him a pet. "It's black, it has four legs, and it barks," you say. Excited, your kid yells, "You got me a dog!" "No, that's not what I said," you tell him. Jesus christ. If Paul DePodesta isn't deliberately orchestrating this shit just to fuck with people, then the Dodger front office is clearly one of the more functionally retarded front offices in baseball. Clean-up, aisle four. And five. And six.

March 12, 2005
Werth to look both ways

The battle for catcher? Who cares. The fight for the last spot in the bullpen? Whatever. The spring debuts of Mike Venafro and Elmer Dessens? Pleeeeease. It's a bore of a spring—not just for fans, but for baseball writers alike. Tired of listening to Jim Tracy spout gibberish about God knows what, it seems many writers have recently turned their energy toward something else: uncovering fascinating stories about guys' childhoods, families, and nose-picking techniques. In recent weeks we've learned that Chuck Tiffany has a Dodger light switch, Ryan Ketchner send his parents instant messages from a hand-held computer, and Giovanni Carrara has 2-year-old twins. Nothing, however, compared to the news a few days ago: Cesar Izturis has decided not to watch television in his bedroom this season. And if that's not earth-shattering enough, he plans to eat three meals a day. "I'm changing my habits," he told MLB.com. With the demand for such human disinterest stories growing like a hair on Eric Gagne's chin, we didn't want to be left out—especially since you, the fan, deserve to know all there is to know about the little boys in blue. What we've discovered might surprise you. Or nauseate you. Or, more likely, bore you more than a Great Expectations Books on Tape narrated by Rick Monday. First, we learned that Jayson Werth has decided to always look both ways before crossing streets—even when he's crossing legally. "Sometimes I'd only look to the left," said Werth. "That's fine if traffic is only coming from the left, but sometimes traffic comes from the right. And sometimes people don't use their headlights at night." Werth vaguely recalls being told something at an early age about crossing streets, but says he generally couldn't hear what people were saying because he was too tall. Like Werth, Olmedo Saenz plans on making changes as well. "This season, no more quick wipes just to get back on the field," Saenz said. "If I'm in the bathroom when the half-inning is over, they'll just have to delay the game for a couple minutes." Frustrated over FBI (frequent butthole itching), Saenz has decided that his rectal hygiene must take priority. After all, you can't spell Olmedo Saenz without O-M-E-N-S-E L-O-A-D-Z. Finally, we end with a tidbit about Ricky Ledee. Ricky, it seems, went to elementary school in Puerto Rico. "I did," said Ricky.

March 8, 2005
Dodger infield is bad news

Jim Tracy has already said it a thousand times, and he'll say it a thousand more in the coming weeks: it's just spring training. Just as "Real beauty is on the inside" is something said by ugly people, "It's just spring training" is something said by managers of crappy teams. If you buy the argument—essentially that spring training means nothing—than you believe that the Dodgers will be fine come Opening Day. First of all, when people say that spring training doesn't mean anything, it's bullshit. Sure, a pitcher might take a couple starts to develop a rhythm, a hitter needs some time to get his swing back, and fielders need to break in new gloves—that's the reason the Dodgers spend a month and a half in Florida. But spring training is undoubtedly a sign of things to come. It's not as if the Dodgers will suddenly have a different team when they hit the field April 5th in San Francisco. For the most part, they'll have the guys who are 2-5 so far this spring. Not going too well. We could focus on the fact that Jeff Kent is 1-for-10... or that Jose Valentin is 1-for-11... or that Tony Shrager has more hits than Milton Bradley, David Ross, Paul Bako, and Norihiro Nakamura combined... but let's focus on the fact that a quarter of the runs the Dodgers have given up this spring have been unearned. On Tuesday, the Dodger defense collapsed in the fifth inning when the Marlins scored all of their runs on three errors (a big one by Antonio Perez), no hits, two walks, a wild pitch and a passed ball. Last week, the Dodgers lost a game on a ninth inning throwing error. Yes, it's only spring, but we can confidently say that the Dodgers are going to miss Adrian Beltre and Alex Cora like Dave Dravecky misses his arm. (Relax, amputees, we're just trying to explain the enormity of Dodgers' loss. Besides, Dravecky was a Giant. So shut up.) Anyway, the Dodgers would be better off defensively with Beltre at third base than with Perez, Valentin, and Nakamura standing side-by-side. Unfortunately, it is what it is. The infield is bad news, but Dodger fans better grin and bear it.

March 6, 2005
One is enough

You can say what you want about the Dodger front office, but you can't say they're out of touch with the fans. As evidence, the appropriately named "single-game tickets" for the 2005 season went on sale Friday. The Dodgers are apparently well aware that most fans will go only to a single game this year. A couple Hee-Seop strikeouts, a few grounders through the legs of Jose Valentin, a Paul Bako foul pop-up, a $5 hot dog... it's enough for any fan. The fact that the Dodgers have a payroll nearing the $100 million mark is truly amazing considering the question marks they have at half the positions. There isn't a chance in hell Choi will still be the first baseman come June, there isn't a chance in hell Bako and David Ross will hit over .250 (even if you added their averages together), and there isn't a chance in hell that J.D. Drew will be healthy enough to make an impact (other than a fiscal one, at least). Dodger fans need only attend one game. By the 7th inning they'll realize that they'd be better off sitting at home squeezing ketchup down their pants while gnawing on their own limbs. The only problem with catching games on radio or TV is... well, actually there are two problems: Rick Monday and Charley Steiner. Granted it's only spring training, but they spent five minutes on Saturday discussing the GPS navigation system in Steiner's rental car. How long before they're sharing cookie recipes? Or giving soap opera updates? Hearing two guys doing play-by-play for the Dodgers is unnerving enough. Hearing two guys doing play-by-play who sound like corpses having a conversation about dishwasher repair is just plain torture. Can't wait for Al Downing to join the mix.

March 3, 2005
It's positively depressing

Prior to the start of spring training games on Wednesday, we at Dodger Blues decided to make a resolution. People make new year's resolutions all the time, so we decided to make a new season resolution. The resolution was simply this: be a little more positive. We're not talking nauseatingly positive like Jim Tracy (who could manage to find a bright spot if Earth collided with Mars), but just positive to the point of acknowledging good things when they happen. As we soon learned, however, that there was one glaring problem with this approach: When it comes to the Dodgers, the good is no match for the bad. It's not that good things don't happen, it's just that the depressing things are so much more obvious. And happen so much more often. And are so goddamn frustrating. The list of what's right with the Dodgers could fit in Mike Venafro's back pocket. The list of what's wrong couldn't even fit in Frank McCourt's 20,000 square foot mansion. Like a 22-year-old blonde with a beer and C-cup walking up the aisle in the bleachers, the good doesn't have a chance. We, however, were willing to give it a chance—hence the resolution. So what happened? Well, Wednesday's game started and 20 seconds later, Paul Bako—a guy who has absolutely nothing going for him other than his defensive skills—threw a ball down the right field line. Goodybe resolution. Hello 2005. And it just keeps getting better. Jayson Werth, who was hit on the arm in his second at-bat Wednesday, is out for at least two weeks. J.D. Drew, who is apparently too frail to risk injury in spring training, has yet to play in a game. Jeff Weaver, who got rocked for six runs on Thursday, said after the game that his arm "felt good." Eric Gagne, who sprained his knee on February 24th, won't pitch in a game until March 18th. Adrian Beltre, who looks a little strange in a Seattle uniform and has apparently yet to discover that there aren't any Dominicans in that city, said earlier this week that he never wanted to leave the Dodgers. You want more? Give it a day or two. We're positive you won't be let down.

March 1, 2005
Hi, I'm Paul... I'm a Gemini... and a catcher

When Frank McCourt announced back in November that the Dodgers would remove the names from the back of their uniforms, few people could have imagined the problems it would soon cause. Had the roster not been completely overhauled the last few months, the lack of names probably wouldn't have been an issue. Since, however, the roster is full of guys who've never met, the early days of spring have been disastrous. Jose Valentin was mistaken for Freddie Mercury, Ricky Ledee was mistaken for Jose Valentin, and Paul Bako, well, no one spoke to him at all. During drills, it was like there were forty Rickey Hendersons on the field, all yelling, "Hey, third baseman... hey right fielder... hey coach." Some players began to don name badges, while others simply shouted their name each time they'd step into the cage. Milton Bradley went as far as to print up his bio and hand it out to his teammates. ("MILTON BRADLEY, CENTER FIELDER," it read in bold font.) During batting practice on Wednesday, Jim Tracy took a few Dodgers at a time to the outfield grass, where they sat in a semi-circle and began to break the ice. "I'll start," said Tracy. "I'm Jim... I'm 49 years old... I like raisins, the Golden Girls, and my .549 managerial winning percentage." Derek Lowe was next: "Hey, I'm Derek. I'm 31, I like the Celtics, Cheers, tea parties, museums about JFK, the color red, monsters (especially green ones), Paul Revere's house, trails that hit important sites of the American Revolution, and stranglers." A little Kumbaya and some Twister... the Dodgers should be one big, happy family.