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> MARCH 2008 March 31, 2008 - Dodgers 5, Giants 0
10:32 am - Juan Pierre hits the snooze button on his alarm clock because, really, who gives a shit? The afternoon began with the Dodgers honoring dozens of former players who've made an impact over the last 50 years. Carl Erskine, Sandy Koufax, Duke Snider, Steve Garvey, Fernando Valenzuela... and Matt Luke? Holy Christ, were Robinson Checo and Jack Fimple not available? Luke must have offered the McCourts half his commission on their next house. (See mattluke.com.) 12:04 am - Juan Pierre walks into the clubhouse, finds he's now sharing a locker with the bat boy. Punishing the folks still in line getting a $13 dollar Canter's turkey sandwich, the Dodgers got an early start with the bats. Before the right field pavilion bathrooms were even full of diarrhea, the Dodgers had put three runs on the board in the first inning, thanks in part to Jeff Kent's two-run homer. 1:33 pm - Juan Pierre runs out to take the field. The kid getting an autograph from Furcal tells Pierre to get back in the dugout before he gets hurt. The Dodgers later added two more runs, with James Loney, Rafael Furcal, and Blake DeWitt each reaching base three times. Well, it said DeWitt on the back of the uniform, but look close next time you see him. That's Andy La Roche. No doubt in my mind. And speaking of look-alikes, is bench coach Bob Schaeffer not Grady Little's smarter brother? Five times I thought it was Little and kept having to find Torre to make sure I hadn't just been dreaming the last four months. 3:06 pm - Aaron Rowand lifts a fly ball to Andre Ethier in left. With the ball in the air, Juan Pierre quietly stabs his Ethier voodoo doll in the crotch with a pencil. Monday's game, of course, wasn't just won with the Dodgers' five runs. Brad Penny, making his first Opening Day start for the team, went 6-2/3 innings, giving up four hits and striking out three. He pitched behind in the count most of the day, but you can't argue a six-inning shutout. 4:10 pm - Juan Pierre stands up to go shake his teammates hands but suddenly realizes both legs are asleep. As a Dodger fan, you have to be happy with what you saw on Monday. Might have been better, however, if the Dodgers were actually playing the San Francisco Giants. They were playing the Giants, you say. Well, yeah, the Giants of 2008—just not the Giants of the last hundred years. Ever since the invention of electricity, the Giants have had giants—guys great enough to hate. From Mel Ott to Willie Mays to Juan Marichal to Will Clark to Matt Williams to Barry Bonds, there's always been someone to fuel the rivalry. But now who? Randy Winn? Sure, Rich Aurilia and Ray Durham have been in black and orange awhile, but they're not exactly guys who are going to bring the lunatics in the left field pavilion to their feet in a chorus of boos and obscenities. The Dodgers should stick a blow-up doll of Bonds in left field just so the guys in the pavilion don't get bored. 4:43 pm - His consecutive game streak over, Juan Pierre walks out to the parking lot, smokes a joint, and rips off Joe Torre's car—proving to no one in particular that he can still get a hit and steal. March 30, 2008
Torre's choice, of course, means that Juan Pierre—with four years and about $36 million remaining on his contract—will spend less time on the field than the batboy who retrieves beachballs. Good for Torre. I guarantee you that neither Jim Tracy or Grady Little would have the balls to bench someone like Pierre—someone with baseball's longest current consecutive game streak, someone earning the money of a superstar, someone who's been a starter his whole career. Tracy and Little would have fucked around with a platoon, or played musical outfielders with the three spots, making sure that everyone got a bit of a chance but not enough of one to actually prove themselves. Ethier proved himself last year, proved himself in Spring Training, and now gets the chance to prove his manager right. What's wrong, though, is the idea of Pierre coming off the bench in a late-inning situation. Generally, if you're down two runs in the eighth, you're not looking for a ground ball to second base. But what can you do? Right now, it's best for the team, and more importantly, best for me. I might actually even think about replacing the Pierre counter on the site. As for Juan-for-Four, he's now lost two positions since the end of last season—first, losing center field to a .220 hitter, and now left field to a guy who's been in the majors for barely two seasons. I do feel bad for Pierre, who isn't a bad guy, but he really shouldn't be embarrassed. It's Ned Colletti who should be embarrassed. "Juan's ability to hit combined with his speed make him a perfect catalyst for our lineup," Colletti said in November of 2006 when he backed up the Brinks truck to Pierre's house. "His work ethic and character are second-to-none, and he knows what it takes to win. He's dedicated to the community and I truly believe the city of Los Angeles is going to love this player." Yeah, what's not to love about a guy who's earning $9 million for each of the next four years but isn't good enough to start? As far as the rest of the roster goes, third base is still a mystery—with about nineteen hours until the first pitch, as I write this. The Dodgers have yet to say that Blake DeWitt is the starter, which means that Colletti is busy trying to fuck up the team before tomorrow afternoon. Marcus Giles is the latest name mentioned, which is a little curious since, well, he's not a goddamn third baseman. Here's my advice to Ned: Get off the phones, go get some sleep, and let Torre ink DeWitt in the lineup. If DeWitt completely bombs, then send him back to the minors in a month. Hell, by then Tony Abreu and Andy La Roche might be ready. Why pick up some other team's unwanted trash? You think fans are going to flock to the stadium to see Joe Crede? Whatever the Dodgers do or don't do with the roster tonight, they ended the exhibition season on Sunday by setting the bar far too high for their own good. Three Dodger pitchers combined to one-hit the Red Sox in an 8-0 victory over last year's World Champions. No, Monday's game won't be a disappointment or anything. March 29, 2008
The game, of course, raised a ton of money for cancer research and served to kick off the Dodgers' 50th anniversary celebration. Over 115,000 people strong, the crowd was just slightly larger than the crowd that turned out to see Elmer Dessens make his Dodger debut in 2005. With only a few scattered fights in the stands, the fight-to-douchebag ratio was surprisingly low. Speaking of douchebags, how about the Dodger offense for the first six innings? With the left field wall within spitting distance, the Dodgers managed only a run on an Andre Ethier sacrifice fly. Finally in the seventh—with many fans leaving, and some still arriving— James Loney popped one over the screen in left, and Blake DeWitt followed two innings later with a shot of his own. It wasn't enough, though, as the Dodgers fell to Boston, 7-4. While still only an exhibition game, a few things were likely revealed on Saturday night about the Dodger lineup come Monday. First, Juan Pierre is going to start the season as the most expensive pinch-runner in baseball history. Second, Blake DeWitt is going to get the chance of a lifetime. And third, Jeff Kent is going to be in the lineup despite being a complete goddamn liability on the bases. I'll end with this request: Will someone please tell Frank McCourt that he doesn't have to yell into the microphone. See, that's the genius of a microphone. Combined with speakers, it makes things louder. March 27, 2008
Now, the Red Sox come to town. Plug your nose so you don't have to smell J.D. Drew's vagina. March 22, 2008
Meanwhile, the competition for the last spot in the outfield is over. Andre Ethier has won. Now someone just has to convince Joe Torre of that. So far this spring, Ethier is batting .345 with five home runs. Pierre—upset about the whole situation—is hitting just .200 (and grounded out to end Saturday's game with the tying runs on base). This could be Torre's first test: Does he have the balls to bench a guy who's earning $9 million a year and has already lost his original position to a free-agent aquisition? If he doesn't have the balls to do it, you might as well bring Grady Little back. On a positive note, the Dodgers are actually giving away something for free—and, believe it or not, it's parking. If you haven't heard, the Dodgers are offering free parking and shuttle service between Dodger Stadium and the Coliseum for next Saturday's game agains the Red Sox. I'm still thinking there's a catch, but haven't quite figured it out yet. Maybe Kim Ng is the shuttle driver. Maybe the McCourts have hired thugs to steal your tires while you're parked in the lot. Maybe there's just one shuttle—and it's actually Charlie Steiner's minivan. I don't know. Anyway, it's not too often that the Dodgers do something nice, so I'd highly suggest taking advantage of this... even if you're not going to the game. Just make sure to reserve your spot by calling (323) 224-1507. Tell them Dodger Blues sent you. And that Scott Proctor nailed your sister. March 16, 2008
As for the team, they're now 7-12 in the preseason, which doesn't mean much... other than the fact that these are the same guys who'll be on the team two weeks from now when the season starts. Well, except for Eric Hull, Matt Riley, Terry Tiffee, Lucas May, Xavier Paul, George Lombard and John-Ford Griffin, who were all optioned to the Dodgers' minor league camp after Sunday's game in China. (And by "minor league camp," the Dodgers mean that they're leaving those guys in China to pursue careers in the fortune cookie industry.) After Monday's final game in Vero Beach, the U.S. Dodgers will re-connect with the China Dodgers on Tuesday in Arizona, where they'll become one big, dysfunctional family again. Nomar Garciaparra hasn't played in ten days, Jeff Kent hasn't played in the field since March 5th, everyone thinks Tony Abreu is a big pussy, Andre Ethier can't buy his way into the lineup, Yhency Brazoban sucks, Andruw Jones is hitting .212, the team's $47 million pitcher isn't even in the picture, and Chan Ho Park thinks he's God because fifty Koreans wanted his autograph. March 11, 2008
Despite all these questions, there's a more important one I keep asking myself: Will I ever be able to stop watching the Baseball Boogie video on YouTube? If you’ve seen the video, you probably know what I'm talking about. If you’ve been living in a cave and haven't seen it yet, stop reading this article, cancel all your plans for the next two or three days, get some popcorn, and click here. The video—which has quickly become an internet sensation (at least in my house)—features the 1986 Dodgers (including current coaches Rick Honeycutt, Ken Howell and Mariano Duncan) singing, dancing, and gallivanting around in baseball pants and satin jackets. Pink, yellow, and bright blue satin jackets, that is. I realize it was 1986, but you can only blame so many things on the 80's. Shoulder pads, fine. Rubiks Cube, fine. But tucking your penis between your legs and prancing around like Boy George? You can't blame that on the 80s. Maybe you could blame it on cocaine, but Steve Howe was gone by then. You could chalk it up to charity, but as far as I know the video didn’t raise a cent for the homeless, the starving, or the little fingerless children in Temple City. As far as I know, this video was made for the pure thrill of boogie. No one, of course, boogied harder than... Orel Hershiser? Dude apparently led a secret life on the side. Skinny white ballplayer one minute, skinny white dancing machine the next. Either he loved letting loose or someone dropped some mice into his pants right before the taping. The five-minute video sure isn't short on entertainment. Between Orel's jig, Mariano Duncan's "baseball been berry, berry good to me" line, Tom Neidenfuer asking about the batboys, Jerry Reuss looking like the monster in the Matterhorn, and appearances by favorites such as Ed Vande Berg and Franklin Stubbs, my head almost exploded the first time I saw it. And Mayor Tom Bradley making a cameo? What the hell was that? It looked like he thought he was walking into a City Council meeting but chose the wrong door. Weeks after seeing the video for the first time, I'm still a little bit horrified, a little bit mesmerized, and a little bit intrigued by the thought of what else might be lurking out there, hiding from the world. Will someone eventually post a video of Rick Monday using an American flag to wipe up dog shit on his back patio? Will a former clubhouse attendant come across footage from '93 of Kevin Gross, Cory Snyder, and Jody Reed grooming their moustaches together while Tom Goodwin pops zits in the mirror? Somewhere, someone must have a tape of a 22-year-old Fernando eating guacamole with his fingers. March 8, 2008
Garciaparra, meanwhile, got a clean bill of health—the x-rays on his wrist coming back negative. More important for him, the pressure is off and he can hit .224 without fear of losing his job. But I'm getting ahead of myself. To hit .224, he'd have to stay healthy long enough for his .375 average to drop to .224. Going hitless, it would take Nomar about 12 more at-bats to drop to .224, or about six lousy games. I know he can have six lousy games, but can his body remain intact for those six games? I don't know where the .224 thing came from, so this whole thing about six games really doesn't mean a fucking thing, but here's my point: Ramon Martinez will be the starting third baseman for the Dodgers on Opening Day. In other injury news, Takashi Saito is still feeling tightness in his strained calf, and will be relegated to cleaning the floors until he's 100% (after which time he'll clean the floors and the showers). In even more injury news, Jeff Kent was able to hit and play catch two days after straining his hamstring—a strain that isn't as bad as the Dodgers first thought. Kent, however, is not expected to run for about a week. How convenient. March 4, 2008
As of Tuesday, about half of the Dodger "athletes" have been sidelined by injury. Nothing to be alarmed about, Conte says. Chad Billingsley and Rudy Seanez had tightness in their respective groins. Rafael Furcal had tightness in both hamstrings. Tony Abreu is still recovering from abdominal surgery. Takashi Saito has a sore calf. Jason Schmidt is Jason Schmidt. James Adkins (a minor leaguer who'll be scooping you ice cream at Rite Aid in a couple years) was hit by a pitch and has a sore knee. Hong Chih-Kuo has irritation in the back of his elbow. Later this week we'll hear that James Loney is taking a couple days off to nurse a toothache, Yhency Brazoban has to wear special glasses after looking at the sun for too long, and Jeff Kent's ass hurts from a botched colonoscopy. With all of the ailments bothering various Dodgers, however, none belong to the most likely of cripples: Nomar Garciaparra and Jason Repko. Meanwhile, all the pomp and circumstance (Jesus, did I just use that phrase?) surrounding the Dodgers final spring in Vero Beach may turn out to be a little premature—actually, a year premature. The Dodgers are in the process of determining whether their new home in Glendale, Arizona will actually be ready by next February. If it isn't, the Dodgers would likely be back in Vero for another year. In typical Frank McCourt fashion, the Dodgers probably won't make a determination until after they leave Florida in two weeks, meaning they'll be saying a half-assed goodbye to Vero Beach without anyone knowing what the hell is going on. Beautiful.
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Well, one game down and the Dodgers are off to their best April ever. Too bad it's only March. And too bad they won't play against the Giants every game. Marking the beginning of the Joe Torre era with a convincing win, the Dodgers beat San Francisco on Monday afternoon, 5-0—an apropos score to kick off their 50th Anniversary in Los Angeles. 
Joe Torre has officially passed his first major test as manager of the Dodgers. Even if he does nothing else right the rest of the season, fans should at least be thankful for one thing on the eve of Opening Day: Andre Ethier is the Dodgers' starting left fielder. At least for now. And for now is good enough for me. 
I'm not exactly sure what I found most ridiculous at the Coliseum on Saturday night. Was it the left field foul pole 201 feet from home plate? Juan Pierre as the designated hitter? The fact that Joe Thurston is still trying to make it in the majors? Or the line of 30,000 people waiting for a shuttle after the game? Most surprising, perhaps, was that Esteban Loaiza only gave up two home runs. 
After a spring that saw the Dodgers play games in Florida, China, and Arizona, the Dodgers (and Brian Falkenborg) are finally back in Southern California. On Thursday night, the Dodgers were on the field for an abbreviated Freeway Series (or Freeway Game, I guess) in Anaheim, playing the Angels to a dramatic 2-2 tie. The way things have gone for the Dodgers this spring, a tie is as good as a win. Some quick observations from Thursday's thrilling game:
Assuming that Ned Colletti doesn't panic and trade for Mark Loretta or Joe Crede, in a little more than a week the Dodgers figure to field one of their youngest teams ever on Opening Day. For that, we can thank Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Schmidt, and now, perhaps, Jeff Kent. Out since March 4th because of a strained hamstring, Kent may not be ready by the time the Dodgers face San Francisco next Monday. If that's the case, fine by me. The more holes the Dodgers have when the season starts, the more chances that guys like Tony Abreu, Blake DeWitt, Delwyn Young, and Chin-lung Hu are going to get to prove they deserve a full-time job. If DeWitt (or anyone else) starts the season with the Dodgers and is tearing it up at third when Nomar comes back, you better damn well bet that the old man will be riding the pine. 
The last time Tommy Lasorda managed the Dodgers, Mike Blowers and Wayne Kirby were on the team. Back in the manager's seat the last few days while Joe Torre helped introduce baseball to a country not-so-interested, Lasorda might have wished he still had Blowers and Kirby. They couldn't have been any worse than the players who lost five games out of six for Lasorda this week. Thankfully for Tommy, though, his massive belly blocked much of field from view. 
Just a few weeks from the start of the Dodgers' season, there’s a lot to talk about. Who'll win the fifth spot in the rotation? Will Clayton Kershaw continue his ascent and surprise everyone by making the team? Will the Dodgers platoon left fielders or leave Andre Ethier sitting on the bench? Will Takashi Saito be ready for Opening Day? 
For about 15 minutes on Friday, Andy LaRoche must have felt like he was on top of the world. His competition for third base—Nomar Garciaparra—had just left the game with an injury, and when Nomar leaves a game with an injury, everyone knows he could be leaving for a long, long time. The starting job at third base, for all LaRoche could have assumed, was suddenly his. That is, until an inning later when a pickoff throw deflected off a Cardinals baserunner and smashed LaRoche's right thumb. LaRoche left the game, had x-rays, and soon after found out that he had torn the ulnar collateral ligament in his thumb. No more hitchhiking, no more giving his quick opinion on movies, and no more baseball—at least for 8 to 10 weeks. 
There could be an asteroid on a direct course for Vero Beach, and if you asked Dodger trainer Stan Conte, he'd tell you there's nothing to be alarmed about.
He's gotten pretty good at spouting that line these days, whether he believes it or not. Of course most of the time he's not talking about asteroids, but athletes—or at least guys who claim to be athletes.