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Truthfully,
the Dodgers never should have won ten games in a row. They're not
that good. And really, they didn't play that well as a team over
those ten games. It was all pitching. Now that the pitching has
gone to shit, however, so have the Dodgers. On Wednesday, the Rockies
completed a sweep of the Dodgers, pounding them 12-5. Odalis Perez
gave up nine runs, and the Dodgers left 13 guys on base. Without
pitching, the team is complete garbage. Especially if they can't
score more than five runs in Colorado. Meanwhile, everyone's hand
hurts. What the hell is that? Ward, Kinkade, Jordan... all have
bad hands. Actually, Fred McGriff has bad hands too, but it has
nothing to do with an injury, and more to do with the fact that
he's a crappy first baseman. Perhaps the biggest question is how
Shawn Green is still hitting .280 considering that he grounds out
4 times a game. One last note, this one to Jim Tracy: NEVER use
Eric Gagne if the game isn't on the line. Yeah, that may mean he
gets rusty, but it's just too painful to watch that guy get rocked
when there's no pressure.
Take
a shitty performance by Darren Dreifort and combine it with a complete
lack of Coors Field offense and a San Francisco win, and the Dodgers
are two games out of first. As quickly as they made it to the top,
it looks like their descent to the basement could be even faster.
When their pitching was incredible, the Dodgers could afford to
only score a run or two a game. But you're not going to win in Colorado
only scoring a couple runs. And you're not going to win anywhere
without scoring a goddamn thing, as was the case Wednesday night.
The Dodgers managed only two hits off Rockies starter and future
hall-of-famer Shawn Chacon, both singles by Paul Lo Duca. Meanwhile,
Darren Dreifort got rocked for 6 runs in the first 3 innings. Some
sloppy plays in the field didn't help. So, to summarize: crappy
pitching, crappy hitting, crappy defense. Good game.
Well,
that figured. The moment we drop our pants and begin to get comfortable,
the Dodgers lose. Had Guillermo Mota not given up two runs in the
seventh, you could have blamed the loss on the sun, but its better
this way. There's no blaming it on a fiery object billions of miles
away. Nope, you can blame this one on the Dodgers. There's no excuse
for scoring only 3 runs in that hellhole of a baseball city, Denver.
And there's definitely no excuse for wasting a scoreless inning
by Andy Ashby, whose brief appearance, by the way, will do nothing
to halt our "Where's Andy" contest. We're not even sure
it was the real Andy. Regardless, the Dodgers are well on their
way back to the cellar. They won ten in a row, but don't let that
fool you into thinking that they couldn't easily do the opposite.
OK, folks, pull your pants back up, put down your Dodger pom-poms,
and let's get back to talking shit. Repeat after us: "Jim Tracy
is a friggin' idiot." Ahhh, that feels better.
A
couple weeks ago, the Dodgers were eight games out. As of Monday,
they're in first place. The idle Dodgers gained a half game on the
Giants, who lost again, and the teams now have identical 30-20 records.
San Francisco began the season on a tear but has since fallen apart—just
like Felipe Alou's diapers. Given the circumstances, Dodger Blues
officially grants disgruntled Dodger fans the permission to get
excited. That doesn't mean enjoying a Rick Monday broadcast, but
it does mean enjoying the moment. Look, we all know that they'll
come up a couple games short once the end of September rolls around,
and we'll have plenty of time to bash the shit out of them then.
But now is the time to put on that Paul Shuey jersey, and wear it
proudly. And enjoying the moment doesn't mean you're being fair-weathered.
It means you're being a fan. As a true Dodger fan, you deserve this.
(Just don't get too used to it.)
If
they would just look down and see the name "Dodgers" on
their uniforms, they'd realize this isn't supposed to be happening.
The Dodgers are supposed to win one, lose one. Win two, lose two.
Win three, lose five. The Dodgers are NOT supposed to win 10 in
a row. Nevertheless, they've decided to break this rule and are
now a half game back of San Francisco. While there are a million
reasons why the Dodgers shouldn't be where they are now, ten games
is serious. Sure, they've done it against crappy teams, but that's
what a successful team is supposed to do. No, we're not calling
the Dodgers a successful team. Two good weeks doesn't make a successful
team. But holy shit, maybe there's actually a chance. DAMMIT...
we've crumbled. Positive thinking has no place in Dodgers baseball,
we all know that. What's happening to us? Next thing you know, we'll
buy Adrian Beltre jerseys. Crap.
Anyone
expecting another 4-home run performance out of Shawn Green would
have been disappointed Friday night, but anyone with more reasonable
expectations would have enjoyed watching Green's romance with Milwaukee
bud into a beautiful relationship. (Don't know what the fuck that
means.) Anyway, on the first anniversary of his incredible game
last year, Green stepped up again, this time going 3-for-5. His
3-run homer in the 7th inning lifted the Dodgers to a 6-4 win, and
coupled with another Giants loss, brings the Dodgers to within a
game and a half of first place. This is generally when we can expect
the team to choke, and drop about 5 games in a week, but we'll give
them the benefit of the doubt and just see what happens. It's tough.
As Dodgers fans, we know better than to let an 8-game winning streak
fool us into thinking they're a decent team. But you can't help
it. Slowly, your low expectations and pessimism are replaced by
hope and excitement. You begin to believe in the team. You begin
to gain some faith. And then they'll fuck you. Just wait.
Over
the past few weeks, many people have been asking why the Dodgers
keep calling up Jason Romano. In the 9th inning Tuesday night, we
finally got the answer: Brian Jordan needs a bodyguard. While Jim
Tracy and the Dodgers' trainer attended to Eric Gagne with two outs
in the 9th, a fan jumped onto the field and approached Brian Jordan.
Romano, who was standing in centerfield, quickly realized that Jordan—a
former football player—didn't have the tools to defend himself.
What he needed, apparently, was a little white guy to cover his
ass. So Romano raced to left, pummeled the fan with a left hook,
and tackled him to the ground. "I
went after him on a dead sprint— I just laid him out,"
Romano said. "He came after BJ, tried to shake his hand."
While we generally don't condone stupid pieces of shit running onto
the field, this could be the beginning of something great. While
Dave Roberts is on the DL, put Romano in center. And once a game,
let a fan loose on the field. Sometimes in the 2nd inning, sometimes
in the 8th. Say goodbye to fans showing up in the 3rd and leaving
in the 6th. The stadium would be packed from the first pitch to
the last out. And to add a little spice, Romano could tackle Jim
Colborn once in a while just for the hell of it. Picture it. Colborn
slowly walks to the mound to give Darren Dreifort a pep talk. Suddenly,
Romano breaks into a sprint, hauling ass toward the mound. Before
the 58-year-old coach knows what's happening, he's on the ground,
bleeding from the mouth. It's genius.
Kevin
Brown pitched seven great innings on Tuesday night—striking
out nine—but left for a pinch-hitter down by a run. From the
look on Brown's face while he sat in the dugout watching Ron Coomer
walk to the plate, it was clear that if the Dodgers didn't at least
tie the game, Brown would undoubtedly beat the shit out of somebody
or something. Fearing for their lives and for the safety
of all exposed objects in the clubhouse, the Dodgers quickly got
it together, scoring three runs, and eventually beat the Rockies,
3-1. A massacre averted. Dodger pitchers have now given up just
a run in each of the past 5 games, all of which the Dodgers have
won. With a five-game winning streak, you'd think the Dodger bats
were finally alive. But you'd be wrong. And dumb. Over the past
week, the Dodgers have seemed to put together one decent inning
late in each game (thanks to key pinch-hits) and somehow make it
stand up. That's great when the starters are only giving up a run,
but we'll see what happens when they give up three or four. At some
point, Green, Jordan, and McGriff had better get their shit together
and find some consistency, or the Dodgers are in trouble. But maybe
Jason Romano will come to the rescue. (Yeah, and maybe Eric Gagne
eats salads.)
He
was able to help Mike Marshall fight numerous hangnails, but ultimately
wasn't able to fight a lenghty illness. Bill Buhler, the longtime
trainer for the Dodgers, died Saturday night at age 75. Buhler—no
relation to Ferris—was the Dodgers' head trainer for 36 years
before retiring in 1995. Among his accomplishments was the invention
of the Steve Yeager Throat Guard, created after the Dodger catcher
was impaled by the jagged edge of bat. Buhler assisted hundreds
and hundreds of players over his career, so who was the one player
ESPN sought out for comment? Todd Hollandsworth. Todd Hollandsworth??
The former Dodger outfielder crossed paths with Buhler for ONE season.
Yeah, there's no one more qualified to comment on the life of a
great trainer than a guy who spent a few months around him at age
22. Speaking of Hollandsworth, who drove in the only Marlins' run
on Sunday, the Dodgers won their third in a row and somehow have
pulled within 4 games of the Giants despite only scoring a total
of about 3 runs in the last week. God bless the starting pitching.
(And Fatty Gagne.)
For
seven innings Friday, Dodger bats were as silent as a Green/Nomo
conversation. But down 1-0 in the eighth, Mike Kinkade—proving
once again that he deserves playing time—led off the inning
with a pinch single. After a sacrifice and a hit batter, Shawn Green
finally came through in the clutch, driving in two with a double
to right-center. Hopefully he'll celebrate with a post-game chili
burger, because the boy desperately needs to put on a few pounds.
Darren Dreifort looked somewhat sickly as well, but pitched a solid
eight innings, striking out eight. Eric Gagne rebounded from his
horrendous outing against Atlanta, picking up his 13th save. The
biggest news, however, was that Kevin Brown was caught smiling.
It happened early in the telecast, and if you blinked, you would
have missed it, but it was unmistakable: a look of joy on Brown's
face. (Either hell is freezing over, or Brown was told that there's
a brand new toilet to smash.) 
Continuing
to prove that the first month of the season was a total farce, the
Dodger bullpen lost another game Tuesday night. The Dodger offense
struggled for the first five innings, but managed to tie the game
1-1 in the sixth. After Guillermo Mota pitched a scoreless seventh,
enter Paul Quantrill. Enter Gary Sheffield. Game over. Sheffield
crushed Quantrill's fourth pitch into the left field bleachers,
and after adding another run later in the inning, the Braves went
on to win, 3-1. What it comes down to is this: Gary Sheffield is
a great hitter. Paul Quantill is not a great pitcher. Neither is
Troy Brohawn. Neither is Paul Shuey. Or Tom Martin. Or Andy Ashby.
In fact, most of these guys are just plain bad. Dodger fans got
spoiled in April, and Dan Evans' head grew larger. Over the course
of a season, however, things will work themselves out. Which means
two things: (1) Dodger fans better get accustomed to shitty relief
pitching, and (2) Dan Evans head will shrink to its natural puny
little size.
Well,
we'll take the blame. As soon as we complimented the Dodgers bullpen
about a week ago, it's begun to fall apart. The collapse intensified
on Monday night, as a 4-4 tie in the ninth quickly turned into an
11-4 joke. Eric Gagne apparently skipped his pre-game donut binge,
giving up 4 runs in 1/3 of an inning, two on a crushing double to
left by Gary Sheffield (who's now 2-for-2 against Gagne). Shockingly,
Troy Brohawn did no better, immediately giving up a base hit and
a 3-run homer. Finally, after more than a month of deception and
trickery, the Dodger pen reveals its true colors (mostly the color
of fecal matter). Just wait til Paul Shuey comes off the DL.
Armando
Benitez apparently gets around. After he allegedly cut the hair
of Mets shortstop Rey Sanchez in the Mets locker room the other
day, it appears that the closer/barber has been at it again—this
time cutting Kaz Ishii's hair. Inside sources tell Dodger Blues
that a few Dodgers pitched in to buy Ishii the haircut—but
Ishii himself was kept in the dark. When the time came, and Ishii
spotted Benitez with a razor and hedge-trimmer, the Dodger pitcher
tried to escape, only to find that he had been locked in the clubhouse.
In tears and pleading with Benitez to leave his hair alone, Ishii
took a page out of Guillermo Mota's book and threw his glove at
Benitez. This only angered the 300-pound monster, and within seconds
Ishii was tied to a chair getting his mane snipped off. God bless
the Big Apple.
This
is going to be strange. Never thought the day would come. Complimenting
the Dodgers' bullpen. Hell, complimenting anything. But it's
time. It's May, and the Dodgers' pen leads the major leagues in
ERA. A full month. That's impressive—especially after so many
years of nothing but bull from the pen. While a month is hardly
a season, it's a start. Of course, the fact that we're pointing
this out, here, on this site, means that the pen is sure to collapse
any day. But while it lasts, it's pretty damn remarkable. Shuey?
Mota? Brohawn? Martin? Maybe the Gagne magic is rubbing off on the
rest of the pen. A little whiff of that raunchy hat, and good things
happen. (If that's the case, someone needs to pull a pair of Gagne's
underpants over Andy Ashby's face... if anyone can find him.) As
for Gagne, the guy is just plain sick. No one thought he could repeat
last season, and so far, he's better. Twenty-four strikeouts in
14 innings. Hasn't allowed a run. God bless his fat ass.
It's
a familiar story. The Dodgers are down in the dumps, playing crappy...
but then they win a few games. And they get close to .500. And they
get confident. And then they collapse. The Dodgers record dropped
to 14-15 on Thursday, losing to the Phillies, 4-3. Look for them
to reach .500 again on Saturday, Wednesday, and next Friday... and
the Sunday after that. It would be easy to deal with things if they
were a truly terrible team, but they're just good enough to make
you think they're about to snap out of it. Which, of course, they
never do. On Thursday night, the Dodgers' problem was a typical
one: leaving guys on base. Nine hits, just one run. The Dodgers
left nine guys on base, and were 2 for 12 with runners in scoring
position. Adrian Beltre continued his see-saw month, going hitless,
and Jolbert Cabrera stranded seven guys on base. Now, Pittsburgh
comes to town... which means one thing: incessant details of Pokey
Reese's childhood.