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Some incredible things have happened this weekend: (1) the Dodgers
have won two in a row; (2) Dodger pitchers haven't given up a run
since Friday; (3) Shawn Green has 4 hits in his last 8 at-bats (albeit
ground-ball singles); and (4) Jim Tracy hasn't publicly talked shit
about one of his players for almost a full day. It doesn't figure
that any of those happenings will continue, but their combined effect
is clear: the Dodgers are back to within a game of the Padres. How
exciting. Almost as exciting as Kaz Ishii suddenly finding his control
and walking only four guys on Sunday— a huge accomplishment
for a guy who seems to come awfully close to falling asleep on the
mound. Ishii pitched six scoreless innings Sunday despite a fastball
consistently clocked in the 83-84 mph range. Either Ishii truly
is tired, or he's been infected with the Hideo Virus. If the Dodgers
are smart, they'll keep Eric Gagne away from the both of them. (And
away from Brian Falkenborg, too, but that's got nothing to do with
anti-velocity germs... it's just because he sucks.)
The Dodgers lost to the Brewers in the 12th inning on Wednesday,
and it couldn't have come a moment too soon. Between the Dodgers'
complete inability to score a run and the miserably annoying "baseball
experiment" conducted by Fox Sports Net, Wednesday's game was
one of the more painful to endure. The Dodgers didn't score after
Juan Encarnacion's home run in the second inning, screwing up best
chance they actually had. Alex Cora entered the game as a pinch
runner in the 7th inning, but was immediately doubled off of third
base. However, Cora's baserunning wasn't nearly as aggravating as
Ross & Rick's "Let's Count How Many Baseballs Are Used
in the Game" game. Ninty-nine balls, to be exact. And with
each one, Fox Sports Net sounded a little bell. NINTY-NINE FUCKING
BELLS. It's challenging enough to listen to Rick Monday on a normal
day, but throw in the bells and endless ball trivia... holy christ,
what a goddamn nightmare. Really, by the 8th inning, suicide became
a very tempting option. And then, as if it couldn't get any worse,
extra fucking innings. The Dodgers looked like they could have gone
another 30 innings without scoring, so the Brewers' shoddy run in
the 12th should really be considered a blessing. As we speak, Ross
and Rick are probably sitting in the broadcast booth, pants at their
ankles, still counting balls.
If you put a blindfold on a penguin, sent him to the mound, and
told him to throw strikes, he'd probably do a better job of it than
Kaz Ishii. After walking five guys in his last start, Ishii walked
six on Tuesday—in less than five innings. Pulled from the game
just an out before he would have been eligible for a win, Ishii
continued his wildness in the dugout, pounding his chest and throwing
feces at the batboy. After peeing in Jim Tracy's water cup, Ishii
was tranquilized and taken to his pen in the clubhouse. Meanwhile,
the Dodgers took advantage of a crappy Milwaukee performance and
hung on to win, 5-3. Eric Gagne, who's been eating twinkies and
playing Scrabble for the past few weeks, picked up his first save
since May 12th, and Alex Cora—making a run for the cleanup
spot—had three hits. Shawn Green, who was dropped back to the
fifth spot on Sunday, hit second on Tuesday. Expect him to play
shortstop on Wednesday, bat eighth on Thursday, and enter the game
in relief next weekend. The guy does need to have some sense slapped
into him, but moving him around the lineup like a little pawn isn't
necessarily the best solution. Shawn generally looks confused enough
as it is... now he's actually got to look at the lineup card before
every game. It's too much for him. He's going to have a nervous
breakdown. He's going to cry. 
The Dodgers got 13 hits on Sunday... just not when they needed them.
Combine poor timing with Atlanta's gloves, and thirteen hits means
just one thing: a single run. If not for a bad-hop single in the
seventh inning, the Dodgers would have been blanked for the fourth
time in seven games. As it was, the Dodgers lost to the Braves,
5-1, giving Mike Hampton his first victory of the year. Hampton
nabbed two line drives up the middle, and hit one out off of Wilson
Alvarez, who had another lousy outing. Alvarez gave up five runs
in five innings, including three walks and two home runs. The term
'meatball' means even more to Wilson these days. But pitching and
food aside, the Dodgers aren't going to win when they leave 13 guys
on base. The start of a new losing streak? You can bet your Shawn
Green bobblehead on it. 
The Dodgers couldn't beat Cincinatti. The Dodgers couldn't beat
Philadelphia. Now, the Dodgers can't beat Atlanta. The Dodgers couldn't
beat an egg if they had an egg beater. Looking as bad as they've
looked all year, the Dodgers were shut out for the second straight
night on Friday, losing 2-0 to the Braves. Odalis Perez, storing
nuts in his cheeks for the winter, pitched seven strong innings,
but the Dodger bats did very little other than ground into inning-ending
double-plays. Shawn Green—who hit into a DP with the bases
loaded—was dropped to fifth in the batting order, the first
step towards the eighth spot where he belongs. Only problem is that
there are seven other guys who belong there too. Milton Bradley
hasn't done a goddamn thing since the first two weeks of the season,
and Juan Encarnacion is showing us why the Marlins benched him in
the World Series last year. Of course it doesn't help that Alex
Cora is sent up to the plate with the tying runs on base and two
outs in the ninth. Jim Tracy is not a baseball manager. Jim Tracy
is a moron. He's got Robin Ventura on deck, ready to pinch hit for
the pitcher, but that's assuming one very unlikely thing: that Alex
Cora gets on base. Instead of playing for the moment—playing
to stay alive—Tracy is sitting there trying to figure out how
to maximize the number of lefties he can get in the game. If he
puts Ventura up for Cora, he'd then be out of lefties, so he'd have
to then put a righty up to hit for the pitcher—which would
mean a righty-righty matchup. And that, of course, is a big no-no
according to the Baseball Managing for Dummies book that Tracy has
shoved up his ass. Hopefully soon he'll have a pink slip to shove
up there as well.
The Dodgers lost their seventh game in a row on Thursday, but thanks
to a couple former Dodgers, didn't lose their tie for first place.
While the Dodgers were getting shut out in Philadelphia, the Padres
were in Pittsburgh taking an early 7-1 lead. A Padre win would have
knocked the Dodgers out of first—a spot they very clearly don't
deserve. Thankfully for the Dodgers, however, Ismael Valdes was
on the mound for San Diego. And thankfully—believe it or not—Daryle
Ward was in the lineup for the Pirates. A few innings later, after
a Valdes collapse and two Ward home runs, the Pirates completed
a 9-7 comeback victory... meaning the Dodgers are still tied for
first. It's about fucking time that Daryle Ward did something to
help the team. As for the current Dodgers, they could use a Daryle
Ward right about now. The middle of the Dodger lineup went 1-for-14
on Thursday, and the last time they drove in a run was about three
years ago... which, coincidentally, is the last time that a Dodger
pitcher lasted through the seventh inning. Meanwhile, Jim Tracy
starts Jose Hernandez at shortstop, which is like having Wilson
Alvarez bat lead off. And on top of it all, Adrian Beltre can't
even stand up. One day very soon, as he lunges for a ball outside
the strike zone, the kid's ankle is going to break into hundreds
of pieces, right there on the fucking field. And you know what?
The Dodgers' medical staff will tell Beltre he doesn't need surgery.
And Beltre will tell everyone that he can play through the pain—the
pain of losing half his leg. Next up: loss eight.
There's a reason this web site exists. Unfortunately, a lot of people
had begun to forget that reason. There's no forgetting anymore,
however. The Dodgers lost their sixth in a row Wednesday, and it's
increasingly clear that the team is finally living up to expectations—low
expectations. The Dodgers have lost sole possession of first place,
and along with that, have lost the confidence (or cockiness) they
had just a couple weeks ago. It's only mid-May, but this streak
has the potential to really screw them up... as well as scare off
the bandwagon fans who were suddenly believers in the team (which,
actually, would be a welcome occurence). Wednesday's game was enjoyable
to watch—for a blind person. If you've got eyes, however, you
couldn't help but see Hideo Nomo crack (literally—as he left
in the second inning with a split fingernail), Brian Falkenborg
falter (giving up 8 earned runs in relief), and Jim Tracy sit quietly
until the game was out of reach. You can't blame Hideo for his nail.
You can't blame Falkenborg for being Falkenborg. You can, however,
blame Jim Tracy for accepting defeat in the third inning, leaving
Falkenborg in the game rather than going to the pen to stop the
bleeding. The Dodgers had seven innings left—to give up in
the third inning is fucking inexcusable. But what would you expect
from a man who seems to expend more energy defending his managerial
record than inspiring his players? Loss seven up next.
The Dodgers' first glimpse of Yet Another Bank Stadium was clouded
Tuesday night by the sight of baseballs flying over the wall. The
Dodgers gave up five home runs—including back-to-back-to-back
shots for the first time in 24 years—and lost to the Phillies,
8-7. After getting ahead early, the Dodgers blew a 4-run lead and
found themselves a run behind in the 8th inning. A wild Darren Dreifort
gave the Phillies an insurance run, which, of course, meant that
the Dodgers would score a run in the 9th and leave the tying run
on base. What's a Dodger game if it isn't torturous? And who's Jason
Grabowski if not someone who spoils his own achievements by screwing
up? A week ago against the Cubs, Grabowski hit his first major league
home run off of Kerry Wood—one of his three hits—but later
tripped rounding second, marring his perfect day. On Tuesday, Grabowski
hit two home runs—traveling a total of 900 feet—but his
poorly-timed jump at the wall in the 4th inning cost the Dodgers
a run. Yeah, we're being a little hard on the guy. But that's only
because we still firmly believe that he's no good... which makes
him a perfect fit for the nose-diving Dodgers.
When the Dodgers go bad, they go very bad. And if the last four
games are any indication, the Dodgers expiration date has passed
and the milk, so to speak, has begun to thicken. That nasty smell
at Dodger Stadium, however, is more likely Jeff Weaver's rotting
arm. Weaver didn't waste any time sucking on Sunday, giving up four
runs in the first inning. The Dodgers eventually got within a run,
teasing fans as they do so well, but the Reds came out on top, sweeping
the Dodgers. That's four losses in a row for the Dodgers, who had
baseball's best record a week ago. Can they right the ship? That
depends on whether there's even a ship to right. It could very well
be that the Dodgers aren't a ship, but rather a raft. And who gives
a shit whether a raft can be righted. Hell, who even knows what
we're talking about? Milk... ships... rafts... Their mere mention
is a clear sign that things aren't going particularly well for the
Dodgers.
If you follow the Dodgers with any regularity, and if you have for
a number of years, you knew this day would come. You knew damn well
that they didn't have a potent offense. You knew damn well that
they didn't have a clutch bench. You knew damn well that Hideo Nomo
would have an off year, that Dave Roberts would end up on the DL,
and that Cesar Izturis and Alex Cora would hit a combined .220.
You saw the Dodgers winning, saw things seemingly coming together...
but you knew better. However, stupid Dodger fans (you know, the
ones who cheer wildly when a guy pops one up to short centerfield)
didn't know any better. They got excited. Now, after losing three
straight, they're scared. Well... BOO! These are the real Dodgers.
This is the team we expected. The team that averages four hits per
game. The team that can't get a sacrifice bunt down. The team that
goes 0-for-11 with runners in scoring position. The team that bores
the shit out of you. It took a while for them to shed their phony
skin, but what you're looking at now is the naked truth. Pessimistic?
You're goddamn right.
Hideo Nomo's struggles continued on Thursday as the former Dodger
ace lasted just an inning and a third. Nomo gave up six runs and
raised his ERA to a hearty 7.14. So what's wrong with the dude?
Bad mechanics? An injury? Old age? Well, it's our belief that Hideo
Nomo has shingles. We really don't know what shingles are, but it
sounds like something that could take 10 mph off a fastball. It
also sound like it could take skin off the testicles, but that's
neither here nor there. What is here and there, however,
is the fact that the Dodgers glaring weakness is their starting
pitching. Nomo has shingles. Odalis is nothing special. Ishii is
garbage (don't let his 3.76 ERA fool you). Weaver has little talent.
And Alvarez... well, he's the ace. A lot has come together for the
Dodgers so far this season, but their starting pitching will make
or break the season. Well, their starting pitching and Brian Falkenborg.
Pitch 1: ball. (With Derrek Lee holding Jason Grabowski on at
first, Alex Cora is looking to pull one in the hole.) Pitch
2: strike. (Cora takes a pitch; fans take off to the concession
stands.) Pitch 3: ball. (Wilson Alvarez, on deck, tosses
the donut off his bat.) Pitch 4: foul. (Cora has two strikes
on him; nobody in the stadium is watching.) Pitch 5: foul. (Wilson
Alvarez, realizing it had been two hours since his last snack, thinks
better of tossing the donut on the ground.) Pitch 6: foul. (Cora
is still eyeing that hole on the right side; Alvarez is eyeing that
donut.) Pitch 7: foul. (Cora slaps one to the left side;
Alvarez slaps his belly; Grabowski, running on each foul, begins
to tire.) Pitch 8: foul. (Cora turns on one; Adrian Beltre
turns 26.) Pitch 9: foul. (Alvarez kneels down, getting ever
closer to the donut.) Pitch 10: foul. (Cubs pitcher Matt
Clement contemplates plunking Cora in the face; Grabowski begins
to wheeze.) Pitch 11: foul. (Alvarez can't take it and swallows
the donut.) Pitch 12: foul. (Fans at the stadium begin to
realize there's a baseball game going on.) Pitch 13: foul. (Fans
at the stadium begin to realize that Alex Cora has been at bat a
long time; Grabowski suffers heart failure.) Pitch 14: foul.
(Alvarez realizes he just swallowed a piece of lead in the shape
of a donut; Adrian Beltre turns 27.) Pitch 15: foul. (Matt
Clement tries to plunk Cora in the face, but Cora fouls it off.)
Pitch 16: foul. (Home plate umpire Laz Diaz runs out of balls
and asks ushers to begin collecting them from fans.) Pitch 17:
foul. (The word 'foul' is starting to look really weird—almost
as weird as Cora.) Pitch 18: home run. (Bad-ass Cora tosses
his bat; big-ass Alvarez tosses his cookies; tired-ass Clement tosses
the new ball to Dusty Baker.) Truly an amazing at-bat. Definitely
cause for excitement. (But not cause for liking Alex Cora.)
The Dodgers won their fifth game in a row Tuesday, thanks to an
injury to Kerry Wood and an out-of-character 8-inning performance
by Jeff Weaver. Okay, fine... a couple of pretty decent swings by
Jason Grabowski helped as well. While Grabowski has no business
being in the major leagues, let alone starting in left field, the
weird-looking dude made the most of the opportunity on Tuesday night.
Defying all odds and freaking the hell out of the 35,000 people
at the game, Grabowski hit his first major league home run in the
second inning off Kerry Wood—albeit not the real Kerry Wood.
Grabowski also singled twice, giving him the first 3-hit game of
his career. Baseball, however, has a way of humbling even the best.
(And those who aren't the best. And even those who were purchased
just before the season for an undisclosed amount of cash.) Rounding
second base in the 4th inning, Grabowski hit the ground like there
was an earthquake drill. A few steps around second, and down he
went. At least the guy had a sense of humor about it, mouthing something
about a sniper to one of the Cubs infielders. If only the sniper
could take out a few beachballs while he's at it.
Like a mom forgetting to pick her kid up at school, the Dodger bullpen
totally blew it on Sunday. Luckily for them (and for Jim Tracy,
who refused to go to Eric Gagne in the eighth), the offense stepped
up 6 innings later and the Dodgers completed a sweep of Pittsburgh.
With the Dodgers leading by five and everything moving along nicely
in the 8th inning, all hell suddenly broke loose. Every Dodger pitcher
was temporarily stricken with the control of Kaz Ishii, and within
minutes the game was tied. Mothers everywhere were in shock. Jose
Lima's mom stopped giving crazy-ass handshakes to Jose's dad, and
instead began to cry. Darren Dreifort's mom, fresh off of arm surgery,
vomited up her brunch. And Tom Martin's mom was so shaken that she
had to be consoled by Paul Shuey's mom. The Dodgers walked in four
runs in a row, which is a common sight for many moms—who watch
their sons play little league. It's a fucking embarassment for a
major league pitching staff, though. Thankfully, Olmedo came to
the rescue in the 14th inning, hitting a two-run homer and making
Mommy Saenz very proud.
Hitting two home runs in a game is generally considered a pretty
decent accomplishment... especially for a backup infielder. But
when you fuck up a teammate's perfect game in the sixth inning,
your home runs mean a little bit less. Jose Hernandez, getting his
second consecutive start at second base, hit two out on Friday night,
but it was his defensive play in the 6th inning that's etched in
the memory of many fans—and Wilson Alvarez. Making his first
start of the season, Alvarez had a perfect game going into the sixth...
until Jose Hernandez couldn't field a ball hit a few feet to his
left. Hernandez could have taken the high road, could have admitted
that he should have fielded the ball... but instead, he blamed his
coach. "At the time I was playing right there where he hit
it," Hernandez said after the game, "but Riggs (Jim Riggleman)
told me to move a little bit toward the bag so I did a couple of
steps and Stynes hit it to the other side." Classy, Jose. Why
not blame Alvarez, too? After all, what kind of shitty pitcher lets
a guy hit the ball towards the hole? As for Alvarez, not a bad way
to break into the rotation. Somehow, that fat boy can still pitch.
And somehow, there's still plenty of food for him and Eric
Gagne. 
For years, loyal fans have always known one thing: Green and Ross
belonged together. For years, however, they've tried to deny their
love... tried to go on with their lives... tried not to let it become
a distraction. But their saga didn't go unnoticed. "I've been
pulling for them the whole time," said third baseman Adrian
Beltre. "I feel like they're family." Robin Ventura agreed:
"I've only really paid attention to Green and Ross the last
year or two, but their love is beautiful... truly beautiful. And
I always loved Green's hair." Thursday night, in front of millions,
the story of Green and Ross ended happily. Green and Ross, together
at last—Rachel Green and Ross Gellar, that is. As for the Ross
and Green you might be more familiar with, it was a bittersweet
night. Shawn Green hit two home runs and knocked in four, leading
the Dodgers to a 9-4 victory over the Marlins. David Ross, however,
went 0-for-4, failing to join the Dodgers' 14-hit attack. No worries,
though... they're still Friends.
Many people celebrated Cinco de Mayo with beer, margaritas, and
a cheesy Taco Bell gordita. The Dodgers, however, celebrated by
getting five poorly timed hits. Jason Grabowski celebrated by doing
a Billy Ashley impersonation in the first inning. Milton Bradley
celebrated by grounding into three double plays. Jeff Weaver celebrated
by picking up where he left off last October in Miami. And Olmedo
Saenz celebrated by dropping his average to .100—soon to be
called the "Olmedo Line." The Dodgers are in first place,
but they've scored just 10 more runs all season than they've given
up... which says two things: (1) Their offense isn't as good as
they seem to think it is, and (2) Their pitching staff is in trouble.
But this isn't a day to dwell on the negative—it's a day to
celebrate a victory over the French. It would be nicer to celebrate
a victory over the Marlins, but beggars can't be choosers... unless,
of course, you're begging to listen to Rick Monday, in which case
you can choose to drown yourself in the bathtub.
While there are a lot of imperfections about them, the Dodgers have
perfected one thing: the art of keeping fans in check. If ever there's
something that truly gets Dodger fans excited, truly makes us have
hope, the Dodgers usually don't waste any time slapping us in the
face with a dose of reality. Or a dose of Dodger doodie. God forbid
you feel good about the team for more than a day or two at a time.
Saturday, the excitement was about Adrian Beltre. Sunday, with a
typical Dodger defeat, the excitement was officially killed. The
game had all the elements that, combined, give us all the blues:
Leaving the bases loaded twice—once failing to score with the
bases juiced, nobody out, and the 2-3-4 hitters coming up. An 83-mph
fastball from Hideo Nomo that was quickly deposited over the wall.
A terrible play in left by Juan Encarnacion, who misjudged a fly
ball into the corner—while a 14-year-old kid in the first row
had no problem catching it. A 2-out rally in the ninth falling short,
with the tying runs left on base to end the game. Why are true Dodger
fans bitter? It's crap like this.
A few years ago, Adrian Beltre's stomach was cut open with sticks
and rusty silverware by Dominican doctors. Days afterwards, his
wounded belly continued to ooze, necessitating a second operation—one
performed by people who actually washed their hands before surgery.
Now, three years later, could it be that Beltre is fully healed?
Or could it be that he's a free agent at the end of the year? Or
does credit go to Tim Wallach (who, incidentally, seems to be even
more dull than Jim Tracy)? Hell, maybe it's something about the
4-minute handshake ritual with Jose Lima. Regardless of the reason,
there's no arguing that Beltre has put together a pretty decent
friggin' month. Nine home runs, twenty-three RBIs, a .367 average.
A couple of ill-advised throws the last few days prove that he's
still the Adrian Beltre we know, but that Adrian Beltre may be changing.
His two home runs and eighth-inning hit on Saturday night gave the
Dodgers a 5-4 victory over the Expos, a good start to the month
of May. But it's just that: May. We've got five months to go. And
you just can't read too much into Beltre's April performance. Really,
anyone can have a good month. Well, maybe not Alex Cora, but almost
anyone. Okay, that's enough... let's summarize: Adrian Beltre is
no longer oozing, Alex Cora blows, and the photo above is fucking
nauseating.