> MAY 2006

The Dodgers generally don't enjoy getting blown out, but there's one guy on the team who looks forward to it: Odalis Perez. The highest paid mop-up man in Major League history, Perez only sees action these days when the Dodgers are six, seven, eight runs down. And make no mistake, Odalis thrives in those situations. You can see the enthusiasm in his face as he walks to the mound, staring aimlessly into the stands. You can see the excitement in his arm, as he lobs 84-mph fastballs to the plate. You can see the intensity in his strut, as he steps off the mound and prays that someone in the stands shoot him in the head. Oh yes, Odalis cares like never before.

Wednesday night, Odalis got to care for three full innings, his longest appearance since May 2nd. Brett Tomko started the game, looking much like the Brett Tomko of old—you know, the one who kind of blows. In three innings, Tomko allowed two home runs (one by each Jones), six hits, and five earned runs. By the third, the Dodgers were down by seven runs and it was clear the Dodgers wouldn't complete their first sweep in Atlanta since 1985. Nomar Garciaparra's Shawn Green-like home run (a solo shot with his team completely out of the game) brought the Dodgers to within six, but it was as close as they got, losing 9-3.

The Dodger bullpen gets a boost on Thursday as Eric Gagne returns to active duty. To make room for Gagne, the Dodgers have sent down Jonathan Broxton, Tim Hamulack, Joe Beimel, and Oscar Robles. It's terrific that Gagne is back, but leave it to the Dodgers to decide it's the perfect time for their starting pitching to go to shit. The staff has an 8.46 ERA over the last six games, and if that continues, Gagne might as well get comfortable in that bullpen. Oh well, the longer he sits, maybe the less chance he rips open his elbow during his first save opportunity.

May 29, 2006 - Dodgers 12, Braves 5
Only thing Penny pitches is a fit

Bouncing back from a terrible game against Washington, the Dodgers knocked off the Braves, 12-5, on Monday afternoon. The win went to Joe Beimel who was brought in to pick up for Brad Penny in the 5th inning. After Ryan Langerhans flied deep to center to start the inning, the next six Braves had base hits off Penny. With an 8-1 lead disappearing, Grady Little decided Penny was done (which he was), and pulled him. Penny, however, felt that he should have been left in to give up six more hits, and pitched a fit as he walked off the mound. Screaming like a maniac as he lumbered toward the dugout, Penny cussed out Rick Honeycutt and then took a bat to the water cooler. Either water coolers are built stronger these days or Penny doesn't pack much punch, because the bat did little damage. Nonetheless, you know damn well that everyone in the Dodger dugout was scared to death that Penny might eat them. Someone needs to slip that dude a Valium... and a brain. It's one thing to be pissed at yourself for giving up six straight hits, but to yell at the manager and pitching coach because they put the team's win over your own? That's bullshit. If Penny didn't apologize after the game, someone should beat him with a bat. Or at least take away his dinner.

In other news—and devastating news at that—Lance Carter was sent back to Las Vegas on Sunday. Here's guessing the next time he sees a major league field he'll be selling peanuts.

May 27, 2006 - Dodgers 3, Nationals 1
Drew sneezes, Dodgers call paramedics

When things go bad for the Dodgers, they go very bad. Arriving in Washington D.C. on Friday with a 7-game winning streak, it took the Dodgers less than 24 hours to lose a game, lose J.D. Drew, and lose Jeff Kent. It started on Friday night, when nothing seemed to click. Brett Tomko sucked, the relievers were crap, and the offense was miserable. The Dodgers were so pathetic that they even allowed Odalis Perez to make an appearance. Perez threw a wild pitch to the first hitter he faced, and considering he hasn't pitched in almost two weeks, it's a wonder he didn't throw more.

Friday's loss snapped their 7-game winning streak, and in the morning J.D. Drew snapped his miraculous 2-month streak of health. This time, it's his shoulder. Being overly cautious, the Dodgers kept him out of Saturdays game and have said that he's doubtful for Sunday. Jeff Kent, meanwhile, is beginning to show his age. After striking out in the first inning and making a running catch in the field, Kent left Saturday's game with a wrist sprain. And Ned Colletti couldn't be happier. If Kent ends up on the disabled list, Cesar Izturis could end up the second baseman when he returns from his rehab assigment. If there's no room for Izturis when he returns, Colletti might be tempted to deal him, a move that wouldn't be too popular among Dodger fans. Izturis' return is weeks away, though, so talking about it now is as dumb as recalling Lance Carter from Triple-A.

May 25, 2006
Odalis to sell uniform on eBay

Realizing that it's become completely useless, Odalis Perez plans to sell his Dodger uniform on eBay, sources tell us. Perez, banished to the bullpen, has pitched just one inning since May 2nd. It's not even as if the Dodgers are saving him for the occasional blow-out game—last friday the Dodgers beat the Angels by thirteen runs and Perez wasn't used for a single batter. Perhaps they're waiting for one of their starters to hit the skids, figuring that Aaron Sele, Jae Seo, or Brett Tomko are due to fall apart any day. While we can't necessarily argue with that thinking, what happens if they don't fall apart? You can't keep a guy on the roster who never plays. Something's gotta give, and give soon. The Dodgers have three choices: (1) Release Perez and eat the $17 million remaining on his absurd contract, (2) Find a sucker who's willing to trade for him, or (3) Actually play the fat boy.

With the exception of the Perez dilemma and Rafael Furcal's inability to field a ground ball, things have been going remarkably well for the Dodgers of late. The bullpen has been solid, the offense has been productive, and Aaron Sele has returned from the grave to post a 3-0 record. Let's not get overly excited, though. After all, it's only May, they've been playing crappy teams, and they're not exactly running away with the division. It's intriguing that they've had a good couple of weeks, but before you get in line to give oral to Russell Martin, let's wait it out a bit. If they're still playing like this a month from now, we'll give you permission to use your mouth on the Canadian rookie.

May 23, 2006 - Dodgers 8, Rockies 1
Dodgers on a roll

Solid defense, good pitching, timely hitting. The Dodgers have had it all lately, and they won their sixth in a row on Tuesday night. Kenny Lofton, Nomar Garciaparra, and J.D. Drew combined for seven hits, Brady Penny pitched five scoreless innings, and the Dodger bullpen kept the Rockies quiet. The Dodgers haven't exactly been facing the cream of the crop lately, but at least they're taking advantage of struggling opponents. They haven't always done that.

Players, broadcasters, and coaches attribute a few things to the Dodgers' recent success—namely Russell Martin, Russell Martin, and Russell Martin. We have a different theory, however: The Odalis Theory. The theory is this: he sucks and they're better when he doesn't play. Perez has pitched just one inning since May 2nd, and the Dodgers are 13-5. When he pitched every fifth day, the Dodgers were 13-15. When he stuffed cheeseburgers in his cheeks prior to games, they were 1-9. It's obvious the Dodgers are just hoping he'll disappear... or be kidnapped... or be assigned jury duty. Rumor has it that Perez doesn't even suit up for games anymore—he just sits in the clubhouse rubbing peanut butter all over himself.

May 21, 2006 - Dodgers 7, Angels 0
Freeway sweep for Dodgers

Coming into the weekend series with Anaheim, Dodger fans had never experienced the thrill of a three-game sweep of the Angels. Turns out, it feels pretty damn good. In fact, on the joy scale, it may be second only to a sweep of the Giants. Actually, come to think of it, the joy scale kind of goes like this: #1 - Sweep of the Giants; #2 - Waking up thinking you have to go to work and then suddenly realizing that it's Saturday; #3 - Getting oral from a girl with no teeth; #4 - Seeing that there's no one in the drive-thru line at In 'n' Out; #5 - Sweeping the Angels.

On Sunday, the Dodgers were led by Derek Lowe (who pitched seven scoreless innings despite sweating enough to refill Owens Lake) and Andre Ethier (who hit a 3-run homer in the Dodgers 5-run first inning). Nomar Garciaparra had two hits and Kenny Lofton had three, but it was the play of rookies—not just Sunday, but all weekend—that gives us cause for (dare we say?) optimism. Willy Aybar had a huge home run on Saturday and is batting .370. Russell Martin had three hits on Friday, and is batting .298. And Ethier, who seems to be a tad more level-headed than the guy he was traded for, is hitting a solid .306. While you've got to be stupid to expect these young guys to keep producing like this, you can't help but think it might be the beginning of something good. Then again, they could all go three for their next sixty and be working at Ross by September.

May 20, 2006 - Dodgers 8, Angels 4
Dodgers in heaven, Angels in hell

Even before the Angels set foot in Dodger Stadium on Friday, things weren't going particularly well. They had lost 14 of their previous 19 games, they were striken by injury, and frustration was building in the clubhouse. Then they got clobbered by the Dodgers on Friday night, losing 16-3. If that weren't demoralizing enough, they then blew a 4-1 lead on Saturday, eventually losing to the Dodgers, 8-4.

For Dodger fans, it was a beautiful thing to see. Down by three runs in the sixth inning, Willy Aybar golfed a Kevin Gregg pitch over the wall in right with two aboard, tying the game. An inning later, J.D. Drew came off the bench to give the Dodgers the lead, homering into the Angels' bullpen—which was to give up three more runs in the ninth. All told, the Dodgers scored seven runs in their final three plate appearances, and moved to a season-high three games above .500. A goatee-less Rafael Furcal had three more hits, raising his once-embarrassing batting average to a slightly less embarrassing .249.

It was even a good day for Danys Baez, who began to rebound from his nightmarish streak of early May, pitching a scoreless inning. Only it wasn't the ninth inning. Little, who a few days ago said that he had "a lot of confidence in Danys," used Baez for the eighth and Takashi Saito for the ninth. Both Baez and Saito retired the side in order—either an indication that the Dodger pen is getting on track or that the Angels really, really suck.

May 18, 2006
Angels travel to LA—the real LA

The Angels' bus heads north up the 5 Freeway, destination Dodger Stadium. Adam Kennedy picks his nose, Bartolo Colon gnaws on some beef jerky. As they make their way north, the scenery begins to change. "What's that," asks Robb Quinlan, pointing to cars stopped next to the bus. "That's called traffic," explains Angels manager Mike Scioscia. A few minutes later, Brendan Donnelly pipes up, trying to figure out the hyroglyphics painted on the overpass. "That's graffiti," explains Mickey Hatcher. "Hey coach," asks Casey Kotchman, "How come I can't breathe so well?" With a grin, Hatcher explains that the air is smoggy. "What are those? They're so tall," Ervin Santana wonders aloud, gazing at the skyline. Alfredo Griffin tells Santana that they're office buildings. "It's downtown," says Griffin. "People work there." Chone Figgins has a confused look on his face. "What's wrong," asks Scioscia. "Where's the WalMart?" asks Figgins. Suddenly, John Lackey groans. "I'm hungry," he yells. "But I haven't seen an Applebee's for miles."

Anaheim Angels, welcome to Los Angeles. The real Los Angeles.

The Angels and Dodgers begin a three-game series Friday night, with Jeff Weaver returning to Dodger Stadium to face Aaron Sele, who's more of an Angel than a Dodger. The Dodgers enter the series having won nine of the last twelve, but sit at just a game above .500. The Angels, in contrast, are self-destructing, having lost 14 of their last 19. On Thursday, the Angels lost in 10 innings and lost control as well, with Darin Erstad going apeshit on someone in the clubhouse after the game. The Angels should be able to relax, though, knowing they've got the Dodgers for three... and that Ricky Ledee is on the DL.

May 17, 2006 - Dodgers 3, Rockies 2
Baez hangs on, Dodgers win

After blowing his fourth consecutive save opportunity on Saturday afternoon, Danys Baez walked out of SBC Park and began wandering the streets of San Francisco. He walked down Lombard Street, walked around Fisherman's Wharf, and spent a couple nights in Golden Gate park. The Dodgers didn't hear from him for days. They considered themselves lucky. Just when they thought he was gone forever, though, he showed up at Coors Field, ready to ruin another game… and still smelling a little like clam chowder.

Brad Penny started on Wednesday, pitching six innings and striking out seven, giving up just one earned run. Jason Jennings—the only pitcher not suffering from mental retardation who's dumb enough to stay with the Rockies for more than five years—matched Penny pitch for pitch until the seventh, when he gave up a two-run double to Nomar. With his 24th and 25th RBIs of the season, Nomar gave the Dodgers a 3-1 lead.

Things began to look bleak, however, when Joe Beimel gave up the Rockies' second run in the eighth and even bleaker when Baez was brought in to replace Beimel. Saving the drama for the ninth, Baez got the Dodgers out of the eighth on a double-play grounder. In the ninth, Baez even got the first two guys out. With our faith in him somewhat restored, Baez began to crack. He gave up a single to Cory Sullivan and then drilled Garrett Atkins with a fastball. Suddenly, the tying run was on second base with Todd Helton walking to the plate. "Grady! Grady!" Baez screamed, "Help me, Grady!" Little, however, was busy having heart palpitations in the corner of the dugout and Baez realized he was on his own. On a 2-2 pitch, Helton popped up, and Baez had notched his ninth save of the year—his first in almost two weeks.

The win allowed the Dodgers to stay at .500 or above for more than a day for the first time all season, meaning that when they lose to Jeff Weaver on Friday, they'll still have an even record. That's peace of mind.

May 16, 2006 - Rockies 5, Dodgers 1
Dodgers fail to take advantage of Kim's wild night

After spending twenty-four hours above .500, the Dodgers decided it wasn't quite for them. Clearly more comfortable at the break even mark (or a couple games below), the Dodgers succumbed meekly to the Rockies on Tuesday night, losing 5-1. Managing just a run off Byung-Hyun Kim at Coors Field is like eating a chili burger at Tommy's and not having diarrhea. Kim stinks, Coors Field is a launching pad, and the Dodgers were swinging hot bats. That combination should have yielded a dozen runs. Instead, the Dodgers blew a huge opportunity to take advantage of Kim, who walked three, threw two wild pitches, and gave up a base hit—all in the first inning. With nobody out, however, third base coach Rich Donnelly—who was evidently preoccupied trying to remember the names of his eight children—waved home Kenny Lofton, who was nailed at the plate. Jeff Kent then struck out and Jose Cruz grounded out. And that was it for the Dodgers, who drop to .500 once again. While the Dodgers might be thankful that they're only two and a half games back in the Western Division, they should be kicking themselves that they're not five games up. (Really, they should be kicking Danys Baez.)

Meanwhile, the Dodgers continue to drop like flies. Kenny Lofton and Jeff Kent both left Tuesdays game with injuries and are considered day-to-day. (That's not all they're considered, but we'll leave it at that.) With Kent and Lofton down—joining Navarro, Repko, Ledee, Gagne, Izturis, Brazoban, Werth, and Mueller—there's really only one guy on the team who's managed to stay healthy all year (and by all year, we're talking a month and a half). That man? J.D. Drew. Go figure.

May 14, 2006 - Dodgers 6, Giants 3
Not so fast, says the Babe

If nothing else goes right for the Dodgers this season, at least they've got this: Barry Bonds didn't reach Babe Ruth at their expense. Bonds came into the weekend series needing just one home run to tie the Babe, and after three games against the Dodgers, nothing has changed. He's still slumping, he's still a homer shy, and he's still a dickhead. Players throughout baseball used pink bats on Sunday to create awareness about breast cancer; Bonds was not one of them. God forbid he sacrifice one of his precious bats for a day, for a cause a little more noble than the steroid-propelled pursuit of his home run record. The Dodgers don't play the Giants again until July, so barring the longest home run drought of Bonds' career, the Dodgers can rest easy knowing they did what they could to stop him.

With their victory on Sunday, the Dodgers are once again back to the .500 mark. With a little help from Danys Baez, they could have been a couple games above .500 today, but who are we to dwell on what could have been? Jeff Kent his another home run (his fifth homer in six games), Odalis Perez made his first bullpen appearance since being demoted (giving up a run and stealing the win), and the Dodgers took advantage of a bad throw in the 8th inning to break the game open. By the way, Jason Schmidt has enormous nostrils.

May 13, 2006 - Giants 6, Dodgers 5
Baez chokes, Dodgers lose

Blowing a 3-run lead in the ninth inning is bad. Blowing a 3-run lead in the ninth inning against the Giants in San Francisco is beyond bad. It's disgusting. It's nauseating. It's unbearable. Watching happy Giants fans is worse than watching your kid get hit by a car (unless the driver of the car happens to be wearing orange and black, in which case it's a little worse).

Willy Aybar's ninth inning error sure didn't help things, but Danys Baez has no one but himself to blame for giving up four hits and a sacrifice fly. The Dodgers entered the ninth with a seemingly comfortable 5-2 lead, thanks in part to a strong outing by Aaron Sele. They were just two outs from finally moving above .500, but since no lead is comfortable for the Dodger bullpen these days, Baez immediately got into trouble. After Steve Finley led off with a double, Willy Aybar (replacing Bill Mueller, the latest Dodger to have surgery) booted a grounder, putting runners on first and third. Then the Giants hammered Baez for three more hits, including the game-tying single by a guy just called up from the minors a few days ago. Baez should be tossed off the Golden Gate Bridge with Olmedo Saenz tied to his legs. (But then someone should rescue Olmedo.)

The fact that Barry Bonds again went 0-for-3 is little consolation to Dodger fans who've grown tired of watching the team play shoddy defense and blow leads late in the game. Please excuse us, we've got to go clean the vomit off the sofa before it dries.

May 12, 2006 - Dodgers 6, Giants 1
Dodgers leave S.F. fans Barry disappointed

San Francisco Giant fans packed Phone Company Park on Friday night to see one thing: Barry Bonds go yard. Instead, they saw the Giants manage just four hits against three Dodger pitchers. Bonds went 0-for-3, embarrased himself by not running out a pop-up, and moved gingerly for a couple balls in the outfield (which guys tend to do when they're in their 50's). Brad Penny avoided becoming forever tied to Bonds by leaving the game after the fifth inning with "tightness" in his lower back. Joe Beimel made sure Bonds didn't make history against him either, getting him to line out and pop out. Losing to the Dodgers, 6-1, the Giants are now alone in last place... and you kind of wonder if Bonds even knows.

Meanwhile, Rafael Furcal is looking more like Jose Offerman these days... well, if Jose Offerman was a .223 hitter. Furcal committed two more errors on Friday, giving him three in the last two games—and nine for the season. We're not great at math, but if he keeps up at this rate, he'll have something like 135 by the end of the year. Which might be higher than his on-base percentage.

May 11, 2006 - Astros 4, Dodgers 2
Dodgers sink below .500—again

Imagine a kid drowning in his swimming pool. He's underwater, kicking, flailing his arms... finally, struggling for minutes, he makes it to the surface where he sees the diving board sticking out six inches above his head. All he has to do is grab it. Instead, he swallows water and begins to sink. He kicks, he struggles, he can't breathe... finally, he makes it to the surface again. There's the diving board. All he has to do is grab it. Instead, the fat little bastard swallows water and sinks. Maybe the only thing tougher than being that drowning kid would be sitting poolside and watching him struggle. He's gonna make it, you think. Nope, he's dead. Wait, here he comes again... he's going to make it! Nope, there he goes.

If you're a Dodger fan, you've been sitting poolside all season. One minute the Dodgers are five games below .500, and suddenly their record is even. Then they immediately go four down, and come back to .500. They lose three, then win two. Lose two, win three. The diving board was right there again on Thursday, but the Dodgers couldn't grab on, and were sunk by the Astros, 4-2. Of course, the Dodgers made it interesting, as they seem to do, loading the bases with two outs in the 9th against Brad Lidge, but Kenny Lofton popped out to end it.

Now comes the fun. With Barry Bonds one home run away from the Babe, the Dodgers play three in San Francisco. Would the baseball gods do it any other way? Bonds has 62 career homers against the Dodgers, including big ones in 2001: His 500th came against Terry Adams, his 71st and 72nd of the season against Chan Ho Park, and his record-setting 73rd against the impossible-to-forget Dennis Springer. While passing the Babe earns Bonds nothing more than second place on the all-time list, there's no doubt that the dude who gives it up will be remembered for a long time. For Jae Seo, it might be his only chance at etching his name into baseball's history. Seo pitches on Sunday, following Brad Penny on Friday and Aaron Sele on Saturday. There's one thing we know for sure: Tim Hamulack won't be the one to serve up the fateful pitch—he hasn't thrown a strike in three weeks.

May 10, 2006 - Dodgers 9, Astros 6
Tomko helps Dodgers balance record

When a major league bullpen can barely protect a nine run lead, something is wrong. While it was overshadowed by their fifth consecutive win and six innings of 1-hit ball by Brett Tomko, the Dodger bullpen flirted with collapse once again on Wednesday night. Not surprisingly, Tim Hamulack and Franquelis Osoria were the culprits.

Entering the seventh inning with his team leading 9-0, Hamulack walked the first guy he faced. A nine run lead, and he's afraid to throw strikes. Ok, maybe he isn't afraid to throw strikes—maybe he's just incapable of throwing strikes. It wasn't the first time that Hamulack has immediately walked a guy, and it probably won't be the last, seeing how Grady Little uses him like Jim Tracy used Paul Quantrill... only Quantrill was decent... and Canadian. Hamulack must have pictures of Ned Colletti in a comprimising position with an usher—it's the only possible explanation as to why he's yet to be demoted. And if Hamulack has pictures of Colletti with an usher, Osoria must have a full-length video of Colletti and Mariano Duncan massaging each other with hot oil. After giving up a three run homer to Lance Berkman on Wednesday, Osoria's ERA rose to 7.13. He's been scored on in more than half of his appearances, and opposing batters are hitting .360 against him. Were it not for a diving catch in the 8th inning by Jose Cruz, Osoria might still be out there pitching.

As bad as the pen has been, however, the Dodgers' offense has been making some noise. While it's true that a lot of that noise is just the sound of Nomar adjusting his batting gloves, the Dodgers have scored 31 runs over the last three games. If they can continue swinging like that, they actually have a shot on Thursday to move above .500. (Note to clubhouse attendant: Be a peach and slip some Ex-Lax into Tim Hamulack's coffee in the morning.)

May 9, 2006 - Dodgers 12, Astros 7
Pizza for everyone! Giovanni returns

Call it fate, call it chance, or call it desperation—something keeps bringing the Dodgers and Giovanni Carrara together. Set to join a small group of guys who've done three stints with the team, Carrara signed a minor league deal with the Dodgers on Tuesday. Carrara pitched with the Dodgers from 2001-2002 and from 2004-2005, and is probably best remembered either for his Italian name or his knack for walking in the winning run.

The Dodgers picked up Carrara as insurance for their disintegrating bullpen, but on Tuesday the bullpen actually came through. After starter Jae Seo gave up three home runs in three innings, four Dodger relievers combined to give up just a run over the final six innings. (The run was allowed by Joe Beimel, more than likely because he can't see out from under his hat.) While Seo has shown glimmers of decency this season, his inconsistency is beginning to annoy the Dodgers. Which begs the question: Which pitchers don't annoy the Dodgers? Surely not Odalis Perez, who was demoted to the bullpen on Tuesday, becoming the highest paid middle reliever in baseball history. Good news for Perez, though—when Seo is demoted in a couple weeks, he'll get his spot back.

Believe it or not, the Dodgers have suddenly won four in a row and now find themselves sharing last place with the Giants. Speaking of which, is it any surprise that the Dodgers will be in San Francisco this weekend—just in time for Barry Bonds to pass Babe Ruth? With Aaron Sele and Seo scheduled to pitch, Bonds might make it to 755 by Sunday.

May 7, 2006 - Dodgers 10, Brewers 2
Dioner a goner?

A lot of good things happened Sunday at Dodger Stadium. First, Danys Baez didn't pitch. Second, Aaron Sele did, and did well. And third, Russell Martin hit his first major league home run, giving the Dodgers another reason to forget about, um, that other guy... you know, the one Paul DePodesta just had to have in exchange for Shawn Green. Somebody Navarro, we recall. Whatever his name is, he could very well be out of a job when he comes back from the disabled list. Navarro still has a fan in Kim Ng, but Ned Colletti and Grady Little have both spoken highly of Martin. It doesn't hurt that Martin knocked in two runs with a double in his first game, walked twice in his second, and homered and singled in his third. And Sele, who pitched to Martin in Triple-A, said that the rookie catcher "listens really well," for whatever that's worth.

Olmedo Saenz and Rafael Furcal also homered Sunday, and the Dodgers went on to beat Milwuakee, 10-2, completing a series sweep of the Brewers. Even Jeff Kent—perhaps realizing that he's Jeff Kent, not Jeff Treadway—got into the act, knocking in two runs. Sele, who pitched into the seventh and gave up just two runs, probably earned himself a spot on the roster, at least for the moment. Odalis Perez appears to be headed back to the United States early this week, however, so something's gotta give. While privately the Dodgers might hope that Perez falls out of the plane halfway over the Gulf of Mexico, they'll likely put him back in the rotation for the time being. Sele will end up in the bullpen, and they'll send a worthless piece of crap from the pen down to the minors. Either that, or Perez will take Brad Penny's spot on the roster when Penny comes down with rabies from getting a little too close to his horse.

May 6, 2006 - Dodgers 5, Brewers 4
Deja blue

Wait a second. Was that a replay of Friday night's game, or did Danys Baez blow another save and Nomar Garciaparra poke another game-winning shot down the first base line? The Dodgers won their second in a row Saturday, knocking off the Brewers, 5-4. It's great to see Nomar get lucky two straight nights, but Danys Baez ought to toss himself in front of a bus. Provided that he doesn't take us up on that suggestion, however, perhaps Grady Little should give him a day off on Sunday. Let him go to the zoo or something. Or maybe let him pitch in a little league game—build up the dude's confidence a little bit. Blowing three saves in a week certainly isn't as bad as blowing a 3-1 series lead to the Phoenix Suns, but it's close.

Looking for a rare sweep on Sunday, the Dodgers send Aaron Sele to the hill. Sele replaces Odalis Perez, who was put on the bereavement list Saturday afternoon. Sele was good eight years ago, although to be fair he has been pitching well at Las Vegas this season—going 3-0 with a 2.43 ERA. We say he doesn't make it out of the second inning Sunday.

May 5, 2006 - Dodgers 4, Brewers 3
Streak ends at Cinco

Dodger fans were treated to a post-game fireworks show on Friday night, and most were probably hoping that the fireworks would be pointed toward the Dodger bullpen. While the Dodgers came away with a 4-3 win over the Brewers, this bullpen shit is getting really old. Derek Lowe got the Dodgers into the eighth inning, and turned it over to the pen with the Brewers down by a run. Tim Hamulack (who clearly lacks the ability to get outs) gave up hits to both batters he faced, and in came Danys Baez to find a new way to blow a save—wild pitching the tying run home. Eric Gagne he is not. (Hell, Jeff Shaw he is not.) It could have been worse, though. Only Jason Repko's throw to the plate and a great block by Russell Martin saved Baez the loss.

You kind of feel bad for Grady Little these days. If he leaves his starter in, he's criticized for leaving his starter in too long. If he goes to the pen, he's criticized for not leaving his starter in the game. Given the current state of the Dodger bullpen, however, you couldn't really have blamed him if he left Derek Lowe in the game until his arm was gushing blood. Lowe, however, might have been a little tired from watching horse races at Hollywood Park on Friday afternoon. (According to a Dodger Blues tipster, Lowe didn't leave the races until 4pm—when Caroyln Hughes probably said something to him like, "Uh, baby, aren't you pitching in like 3 hours?")

On this night, the Dodger offense bailed out the bullpen, pushing across the winning run in the bottom of the 9th. Rafael Furcal led off with a check-swing bunt single (something like his third or fourth hit of the entire season), Jose Cruz bunted him to second, and Nomar knocked him in with a little poke job down the first base line. It was also a good night for Russell Martin, starting in place of Dioner Navarro who was put on the DL on Friday. Making his major league debut, Martin had two hits—knocking in the first two runs of his caree—and looked solid behind the plate. Without Paul DePodesta in the GM's office, Dioner Navarro may have played his last game as a Dodger. Now if they can just find a way to put Odalis on the DL, too...

[Note: Well, it turns out they did find a way to put Odalis on the DL. Officially it's called the bereavement list, but it works for us.]

May 4, 2006 - Padres 3, Dodgers 0
Good news: only 133 games left

After a tough loss, some teams would suck it up, gather themselves, and play with more determination than ever. The Dodgers aren't one of those teams. Sunday's nauseating loss to San Diego has sent the Dodgers into a downward spiral—one that quickens by the day. A day after completely melting down against the Padres, the Dodger bullpen was ineffective again on Thursday. Only this time they didn't blow a lead—mainly because the Dodgers didn't have a lead. In fact, they didn't score a run. In fact, they only had two hits (one by their goddamn pitcher). In fact, why the hell didn't we become White Sox fans in the offseason? The Dodgers haven't had a winning record in almost a year (June 16, 2005), they've lost five in a row, and their pitching staff is quite possibly as bad as it's ever been since the team moved to Los Angeles. Brett Tomko pitched a strong seven innings on Thursday, but Takashi Saito couldn't get three measly outs without giving up a home run. Bet you never thought you'd miss Duaner Sanchez, eh? Hell, at this point even Brian Falkenborg sounds good.

Of course, the Dodgers didn't simply lose a game in the standings. They also lost their catcher and third basemen. Dioner Navarro stuck his wrist into a foul ball, leaving the game in the second inning with a contusion (a.k.a. broken bone), and Bill Mueller left the game in the third inning with a sore knee. Yet somehow, J.D. Drew's vagina is fine. Go figure.

May 2, 2006 - D'backs 10, Dodgers 8
Anger... so much anger

Sometimes Dodger games bore us to death. Sometimes they frustrate us. Sometimes they confuse us. And then there was Tuesday's game. Tuesday's game made us want to rip someone out of a parked car and break their fucking teeth.

It started innocently enough, as have most Dodger games of late. The Dodgers took an early lead, and Odalis Perez appeared to be in control. Three Dodgers had tripled, a bunch had scored, and going into the bottom of the fifth inning, the Dodgers were beating Arizona, 6-0. Then an old friend came to bat. (Well, the kind of old friend who you want to shake violently until he turns bright red and passes out.) We're talking about Shawn Green, of course, who opened the fifth with a home run off Perez. Typical, we laughed. Green always had the knack of hitting the solo shot with his team down ten runs. We weren't laughing very long, though. Pitching like it was a 1-0 game instead of a 6-1 game, Perez started getting fancy. And the Diamondbacks started getting patient. And then started having some good swings. And then loaded the bases. Only then did Grady Little get someone up in the bullpen, but at that point it was too late. After another useful visit from Rick Honeycutt (who should be chained to the goddamn helmet rack), Perez served up a grand slam to Chad Tracy, and the game was suddenly tied... but not for long. Kenny Lofton joined the fun by misplaying a line drive to center, and the Diamondbacks were up 7-6.

Watching the Dodgers blow a 6-0 lead was upsetting, but the anger was just building. It built up a little more with each Craig Counsell base hit, with each Takashi Saito pitch, and each shot of Grady Little's empty head. (Incidentally, hearing Vin Scully refer to Little & Company as the Dodgers' "braintrust" is a little tough to take.) The anger finally peaked in the 8th inning. Down two runs, and with Ramon Martinez on second, Rafael Furcal sent a drive toward the right field wall. With thoughts of a tie game dancing through our heads (wow, that sounds gay), Shawn Green leapt at the wall and robbed Furcal of what would have been, at the very least, a run scoring double. It was the second night in a row that Green made that catch, and for the second night in a row our remote control ended up lodged in the kitchen wall. Dishes were strewn about. Chairs were overturned. We set fire to the coffee table. Shawn Green, a guy who never seemed to leave the ground as a Dodger, had done it two nights in a row as a Diamondback. That son-of-a-bitch. That skinny, big-hair, son-of-a-bitch.

May 1, 2006 - D'backs 3, Dodgers 2
Air Olmedo, you are cleared for landing

Coming off a miserable game the day before, the Dodgers were looking to get a quick jump on the Diamondbacks Monday evening. They did... but still lost. Thanks in part to a Shawn Green error, the Dodgers took a 2-0 lead into the bottom of the second inning. That's when the first six Diamondbacks reached base—three on doubles—and Arizona took a 3-2 lead. And that was that. The teams played seven more innings, but for no reason other than to see Shawn Green rob J.D. Drew of a home run, Ricky Ledee hurt his groin, Olmedo Saenz take a belly flop into second base, and that rat-faced bastard Craig Counsell rob Jason Repko of an RBI.

The two newest Dodgers made appearances on Monday, with Joe Beimel and Jonathan Broxton each pitching a scoreless inning. Beimel, who took uniform number 97 because he knows he'll be back in the minors by Friday, struck out one, walked one, and gave up a base hit. Broxton, who arrived in Phoenix earlier in the day and proceeded to eat a shuttle bus, struck out one and was clocked at 98 mph. The additions of Beimel and Broxton (and long overdue demotions of Hong Chih Kuo and Lance Carter) serve to shake up the Dodgers' crappy bullpen a bit, but certainly don't figure to be the last changes Ned Colletti makes. With most of the Dodger relievers under the age of seven, the bullpen gate figures to be a revolving door. Or a revolving gate. Whatever the hell a revolving gate is. But that's not the point. The point is that we're now a month into the season and the Dodgers are 12-14. Oh, sorry, it's still early. That's right, April doesn't matter. Our bad.