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> NOVEMBER 2004 November 30, 2004 Another day, another Miltdown
November
27, 2004
Eric Gagne - "Ii'm thankful for being Canadian. I got to eat turkey in October for Canadian Thanksgiving and now again for American Thanksgiving. I still have some cranberry sauce in my goatee." Milton Bradley - "Y'all should be thankful I just tossed a plastic bottle at that fan instead of goin' all Artest on that motherfucker." Odalis Perez - "I'm thankful that I am left-handed because if I wasn't, I would have never made it to the major leagues." Shawn Green - "I'm sorry, since I'm Jewish, I don't celebrate Thanksgiving." Paul Shuey - "I'm thankful that Tom Martin is finally gone. That guy would not leave me alone." [Editor's note: Paul, you're no longer a Dodger... why are you on this list?] Paul DePodesta - "I'm thankful that Todd Hundley is finally off the payroll... Not like McCourt is going to let me spend that money, though." Jeff Weaver - "I'm thankful that my ancestors bought Manhattan for $24 worth of beads...stupid indians." Dave Roberts - "I'm thankful for my World Series ring. Ha ha, suckers!" Rick Monday - "I'm thankful for Al Downing because now I won't be the worst broadcaster in the booth." Al Downing - "I'm thankful for Rick Monday because I won't be the worst broadcaster in the booth." Jose Lima - "Boobs, man, boobs." Adrian
Beltre - "I'm thankful to have Scott Boras as my agent. He
will make sure I continue to live like a king long after I stop
producing runs...next season." Jim
Tracy - "I'm thankful for my new contract which gives me the Yhency Brazoban - "I'm thankful for Duaner Sanchez, because for the first time in my life I don't have the weirdest name on my team." Olmedo
Saenz - "I'm thankful that we have Hee-Seop Choi. I look like Alex
Cora - "I'm thankful for Matt Clement. Without him, I would David
Ross - "I'm thankful that Dodger Blues hasn't pointed out November
24, 2004
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6, 2004
Yes, Sosa has put up numbers the last decade that few have matched, but like Green, he's on the decline. Since 2001, his batting average, RBIs, and home runs have dropped each year. He and Green put up comparable numbers in 2004 (though Sosa did so in 31 fewer games). In 2004, Sosa posted his lowest OBP in eight seasons, and then began to feud with Cubs manager Dusty Baker. Though we're not up on all the details of the clash (and frankly, we hate Dusty Baker and his goddamn toothpicks), it's never too endearing when a guy making $16 million starts whining about things. If the Dodgers are seriously pondering a deal for Sosa, there's one reason for it: they don't plan on re-signing Adrian Beltre. Frank McCourt and Paul DePodesta are well aware that the Dodgers need a star in their lineup, and probably figure a guy of Sosa's popularity and credentials would temper the outrage over losing Beltre. It's strange thinking, though. Adrian Beltre might cost a bundle, but he's young. (Sosa is 36--supposedly.) If Green were to be dealt for Sosa, all you're doing is locking yourself in to another bloated contract. The Dodgers would be rid of Green's contract after 2005. Sosa, however, would be locked in for 2005 and 2006 with salaries of $17 and $18 million, plus a $4.5 million buyout (or $19 million salary) for 2007, when Sosa turns 63. (Did no one learn anything from the Karros/Grudzelanekekesnek/Hundley deal?) Why take on a huge contract just to rid yourself of a guy who has a shorter contract? And if you're going to invest money in someone who's going to be around for a few years, why not invest that money in Adrian Beltre? Or Carlos Beltran? Well, maybe not Beltran. Obviously Scott Boras' demand of a 10-year contract for Beltran has the Dodgers worried about what ludicrous deal Boras will be seeking for Beltre, and rightly so. After the Randy Johnson fiasco at the trading deadline, DePodesta obviously knows not to throw all his eggs in one basket. But despite that (and regardless of whether or not he might be trying to cut his cholesterol), shouldn't most of his eggs be going in the Beltre basket? (Incidentally, other than the Easter Bunny, who puts eggs in a basket? Other than Pedro Guerrero, who would be that stupid?) So basically, it would come down to this: Beltre (25) and Green (32) for Sosa (36). And we don't want to hear the crap about how it would free up salary for another hitter. That's what the Dodgers said in 2003. And they got Fred McGriff. Maybe they can get Jeromy Burnitz back this time. |
It's
been almost two months since the end of the Dodgers' season, which
means three things: (1) Adrian Beltre should be signing elsewhere
any day now, (2) Wilson Alvarez has put on 30 pounds, and (3) Milton
Bradley was overdue for his bi-monthly freakout. Bradley angrily
obliged on Thanksgiving Day, interfering with a traffic stop near
Akron, Ohio. Why was Bradley pulled over? He wasn't pulled over—that's
what's so beautiful. Apparently he was driving ahead of a female
friend, who was pulled over for weaving on a highway. Seeing an
opportunity to yell at a cop, Bradley couldn't resist stopping on
an exit ramp and walking back to the scene. "Officer,"
Bradley said, "I haven't been in the news for a couple months...
how 'bout you put some cuffs on me?" The officer allegedly
told Bradley to return to his car, but Bradley insisted, even putting
his hands behind his back. Rumor has it that Bradley also offered
to beat himself with a baton and drive himself to the police station.
Bradley was finally arrested, charged with disorderly conduct, and
eventually released to his anger management coach, Mike Tyson. This
is great... finally something to write about. As evidenced by our
two Thanksgiving articles in a row, things were getting bad. But
like the hero his is, Milton came to our rescue.
Major league baseball players may be making millions of dollars,
but that doesn't mean they're greedy, detatched, and out of touch.
Well, maybe it does. Nonetheless, on this Thanksgiving weekend,
a few Dodgers have shared with us the things for which they're grateful.
After you've stuffed your face with your Swanson turkey dinner on
Thursday, put down that plastic spork and take a moment to give
thanks to the Pilgrims. Or the Mayflower. Or the indians. (Jesus,
we really should have paid attention in kindergarten.) Here's our
point: Thanksgiving is more than just a day to eat turkey. It's
a day to eat stuffing, too. It's a day to eat until diarrhea oozes
from your pores. It's also a day to think about what you have to
be grateful for. If you're a Dodger fan, this might be a tough one...
so we're here to help. Be grateful that the Dodgers' season lasted
four games longer than San Francisco's. Be grateful that Todd Hundley
will never wear a Dodger uniform again. Be grateful that the dugouts
at Dodger Stadium are being moved closer to the field, minimizing
the time you'll have to spend watching Jim Tracy trudge to the mound
(that is, if he agrees to take it up the ass and sign a new contract).
Be grateful that there's a mute button for those times when Rick
Monday and Al Downing are doing the broadcast (although if you're
in your car, you're just fucked.) Be grateful that Paul LoDuca's
wife will have popped out that baby by the time the Dodgers play
the Marlins next season, and should be back in shape. Be grateful
that you didn't appear in DeLeon Sheffield's sex tapes. Be grateful
that you didn't appear in Jo Lasorda's sex tapes. Be grateful that
in '05 there'll be an LED screen wrapping the entire stadium in
to tell you when to cheer. Be grateful that Scott Boras only represents
about 60% of major league baseball players. Be grateful that Spring
Training starts in less than three months. Be grateful that you're
not an Indiana Pacers fan. And most of all, be grateful that you
live at a time when things like 
A few weeks back when the Dodgers announced, in passing, that they
weren't renewing Ross Porter's contract, Lon Rosen intimated that
it was because of his age. He said the Dodgers were focused on "taking
the on-air format in exciting, new directions." What a load
of shit. Charley Steiner, who will apparently be named the new play-by-play
guy on Monday, is 55 years old. Nothing against Steiner, and nothing
against 55-year-olds, but how much more hip than Porter could Steiner
possibly be? He's got a good sense of humor and he's a semi-decent
radio announcer, but hipper? The guy has a beard that hasn't been
trimmed since '82 and he weighs more than Daryle Ward. Charley Steiner
is going to attract younger fans? Not a chance... unless he's got
a hot daughter who he's planning to auction off on the air. Clearly,
there's something else going on here. Clearly, the Dodgers hated
Ross Porter. Period. Did Porter snort coke between innings? Did
he send pornographic emails to Jamie McCourt? Did he insist on keeping
stats of Rick Monday's bowel movements? Whatever the reason, the
McCourts wanted him out. Their hatred for Porter aside, if they
are truly concerned about attracting young fans, is it really that
tough? Here's something that might attract kids: a pitcher who lasts
past the 4th inning. Here's something else: Adrian Beltre. You put
a winning team on the field, people will come.... kids, old folks,
fat asses, retards. People don't need AOL for Broadband music between
innings, Duaner Sanchez bobbleheads, or jackoff radio announcers
who've got some gimmick or catch phrase. All they need are guys
on the field who can play ball. As for Steiner, whatever. The whole
thing was just totally unnecessary, but you can be sure the Dodgers
will find a way to play Charley Steiner as God's gift to Dodger
fans. Get ready to hear all about Steiner's unrequited love for
Vin Scully. (Apparently Steiner decided to get into broadcasting
at age five when, growing up on Long Island, he heard Vin Scully
announce a Brooklyn Dodgers' game. Coincidentally, that was the
same year Steiner decided to get into bacon cheeseburgers.) Charley
Steiner? Oh, the excitement.
While Jayson Werth recovers from a torn ligament in his arm, he's
keeping busy this winter by filing lawsuits. Apparently innundated
by letters from a man claiming that Werth is unfaithful to his wife
Julia, the Dodger outfielder filed a suit in Cook County Circuit
Court. The suit accuses Ryan Root—who dated Werth's wife in
high school—of spreading vicious lies about the couple. In
addition, Julia Werth has filed a protective order forbidding Root
from going near the Werths. Root has threatened to reveal pictures
and videotapes of Jayson having sex with other women, including
one allegedly pregnant with his child. While there's nothing funny
about a crazy dude stalking someone (especially when the crazy dude
is from a small town in the midwest), we feel that it's our responsiblity
to reveal one of these alleged photos. Rumor has it that Root also
has pictures and videotapes of Odalis Perez having sex with a cheeseburger.
In other news, the Dodgers signed eight minor league free-agents,
all sure to make a huge impact on the team. Pay attention to these
names, because you'll never hear them mentioned again: Buddy Carlyle,
Jose Flores, Tony Schrager, Mike Rose, John Weber, Tydus Meadows
(Tydus?), and Ryan Rupe (who we think is the guy who Werth just
filed suit against).
First, it was Shawn Green to Chicago for Sammy Sosa. Then Green
was headed to New York for Mike Piazza. Today, Green is rumored
to be headed to the Dominican Republic in exchange for a couple
of 14-year-olds and avena caliente (a hot beverage). Green, however,
could refuse to waive his no-trade clause, putting the breaks to
the Dominican deal. It doesn't look like he'll be able to put the
breaks to the rumors this winter, though. In the final year of his
contact, Green is apparently attracting interest from teams around
the league... well, at least from teams that play in cities with
significant Jewish populations. If you're waiting for Houston or
Milwaukee to make a push for Green, don't hold your breath. If you're
waiting for the next Green rumor, however, we're here to satisfy
your craving: Green to Florida for Juan Encarnacion. Green to Philadelphia
for David Bell and some cream cheese. Green to San Francisco for
J.T Snow and Kelly Downs. Green to Boston for empty bottles of champagne
and an autographed Jody Reed bat. It's no secret that the Dodgers
wouldn't mind dumping Green's $16 million salary. Only problem is
that any taker would have a bloated contract of their own to dump.
(That's how the Dodgers ended up with Todd Hundley, that son-of-a-bitch.)
If the Dodgers trade Green, it'll be because they're overwhelmed
by a deal—and don't look for that to happen. Shawn Green isn't
the guy he was a few years ago, but he's not what's wrong with the
Dodgers—plus, there's always the chance he could learn how
to hit again. Hell, he smiled after Finley's home run. That's proof
that anything is possible.
Apparently looking to deal their no-longer-franchise player, the
Dodgers will explore a Shawn Green for Sammy Sosa deal at next week's
general manager meetings. The Los Angeles Times reported that multiple
clubs have contacted the Dodgers about Green, which begs the question:
Why? Green has shown steady decline the last couple years, and is
being paid $16 million in 2005. Despite some clutch home runs down
the stretch, Green's season was characterized by inconsistency and
a penchant for hitting weak grounders to first. Shawn grounded out
200 times in 2004, a number conversely proportional to the number
of times he showed any emotion. Not sure what that means. Anyway,
we're certainly not against trading Shawn Green. He's a good guy,
active in the community, doesn't create problems... but he doesn't
create championships either. If someone is willing to take on Green's
salary, the Dodgers should certainly listen. But trading Green for
Sammy Sosa?