> NOVEMBER 2006

With Eric Gagne and J.D. Drew no longer Dodgers, Ned Colletti looked to fill a gaping hole on Monday: that of gimp. According to reports, lefty pitcher Randy Wolf will sign a 1-year deal with the Dodgers this week. It's doubtful that the signing will be contingent on Wolf passing a physical because a physical would only expose what we already know: he's got a big-ass Tommy John scar on his elbow and the new skin is barely healed. Even without the elbow problem, Wolf is an average pitcher at best. Only once was his ERA under 3.50, and prior to surgery he had a Darren Dreifort-like record of 65-60. After having ligament replacement surgery on July 1, 2005, Wolf returned in July '06 and made 12 starts for the Phillies. Wolf grew up in L.A., and apparently wants to play at home, so he's got that going for him. But not much more... well, unless you count the 3 home runs he hit in '04, which would qualify him as one of the Dodgers' sluggers.

It would be one thing if they were landing Wolf for a fraction of the $9 million he was making last season. But $8 million? And people are calling that a discount? If a guy in the midst of a Tommy John comeback is still worth $8 million, what has to happen for a guy to go for $4 million? Loss of limb? Decapitation? Well, at least the Dodgers' new trainers will be tested from day one.

November 26, 2006
This year's turkey: Ned

Busy stuffing your face with food this weekend, you probably forgot what Thanksgiving is all about: giving thanks. No one, of course, was giving more thanks than Juan Pierre. After being rewarded last week for being a good citizen with tremendous speed, Pierre should have spent the weekend personally massaging Ned Colletti's cranberry-filled belly, thanking him for needing to one-up Brian Sabean, who apparently offered Pierre a measly four-year deal.

As the tryptophan has begun to dissipate from our system, the reality of the Pierre contract is finally sinking in. And we say contract because it's the contract that's tough to swallow, not the fact that Pierre is a Dodger. We could handle him for a couple years, maybe even three, at $4 or $5 million a year. He brings energy, he's got great range in the outfield, and he somehow finds a way to poke the ball through the infield a couple hundred times a year. But five years? At nine million a year? Terrific, he'll beat out a dribbler and steal second, but who's going to knock him in?

The Dodgers are still without the big bat they clearly need, still without the starting pitching they're desperate for, and still without a solid bullpen (and there's still no guarantee that Taskashi Saito will return). Now they've now invested $44 million into a guy who can't hit for power, can't pitch, and—as stats freaks will gleefully tell you—walks less than a fat man with corns. We give it three years, and the Dodgers will be looking for someone to take an aging Pierre off their hands. Meanwhile, Matt Kemp will be hitting 35 home runs for a team on the East Coast.

Ned isn't concerned, though. He had a great weekend. He stopped at a garage sale and bought a Meet the Parents DVD for $33, successfully placed a $112 eBay bid for a Casio watch with a starting price of $9.99, and bought a box of Kleenex at Gelson's for $4.50.

November 20, 2006
Dodgers to sign a French guy

A day after giving the Dodgers' trainers a tough assignment—keeping Nomar Garciaparra healthy for two more years—Ned Colletti offered them a medical gift on Monday: Juan Pierre. Though no deal was announced, Colletti spoke as if one was imminent. "One is imminent," he said. Ok, he didn't say that, but the the Los Angeles Times did, reporting that the deal would be for a guaranteed 5 years and $45 million. While our own sources tell us that the deal is for 11 years and will include a bi-annual opt-out clause, we're a little more inclined to go with the Times' report.

While $45 million is—pardon our French—fucking insane for a guy without any power, it makes decent sense for a number of other reasons. First, it means that Kenny Lofton won't be returning, and that's worth the money right there. (Sure, Pierre's arm isn't any better than Lofton's, but he's got some years left on his wheels.) Second, it means you've got a guy who's not going to miss a game with an irritated vulva. (Pierre has played in 162 games each of the last four seasons.) And third, it means the Dodgers will have a Rafael and Juan up the middle for the first time since '92 (when Juan Samuel and Rafael Bournigal were the talk of the town).

So, now the question of what comes first: (1) Scully saying, "Look out now, a rabbit is loose," (2) Pierre going on the disabled list for the first time in six years, or (3) Colletti trading Matt Kemp to the Phillies for Jeff Conine.

November 17, 2006
Nomar back on Dodgers' radar

The Toronto Blue Jays signed the Big Hurt on Friday. Meanwhile, Ned Colletti is apparently close to signing the Always Hurt. With J.D. Drew's unexpected departure leaving the Dodgers even more desperate for power in their lineup, Colletti is reconsidering his decision to pass on Nomar Garciaparra. The way it looks now, Nomar might be the big beneficiary of Drew's greed. In fact, he'll probably get something comparable to the 3-year, $33 million that Nancy walked away from... which, frankly, is almost as insane as Drew's deal in the first place.

Look, we love Nomar, but he's only lovable about 100 to 120 games a year. Plus, he's getting older, and any doctor (even a proctologist) will tell you that health generally doesn't improve with age. Just because Grady Little managed to keep Drew healthy for an entire season doesn't mean he can do the same for Nomar. And have we learned nothing from history? Even just looking at the Dodgers over the last decade or so, isn't it obvious that giving a long-term deal to a cripple is a huge mistake? For $55 million, Darren Dreifort posted nine wins. For $20 million, Eric Gagne pitched 15 innings. And last we checked, the Dodgers were still paying Todd Hundley.

That said, if someone has to earn $33 million over three years, we'd much rather it be Nomar than Nancy. Nomar wants to be a Dodger, he wants to be in Los Angeles, and best of all, he's not from the South. There's no question that Nomar would be an asset to the Dodgers, but with his fragile bones and the crop of prospects emerging, anything longer than a one-year deal is ridiculous.

November 9, 2006
A blue blessing: Drew departs!

Only Scott Boras would have the balls to sit down with a brittle guy who's set to make $33 million over the next three years, look him in the eye, and tell him that he's underpaid. And only J.D. Drew—greedy from the start after refusing to sign with the Phillies out of college for anything less than $10 million—would be stupid enough to listen to him. Drew opted out of the remaining three years of his contract on Thursday, becoming a free agent to the surprise of many... and to the joy of many more. Ned Colletti can moan about how the Dodgers have to go out and get two big bats now, but Drew's move should be considered an early Christmas present—better than a new bike, a digital camera, or a trip around the goddamn world. Sure, he knocked in 100 runs last season, but what are the odds that he'll ever play in 146 games again? He's a good hitter, but how long before his ovaries hurt again? From practically the moment Paul DePodesta signed Nancy to that $55 million contract, everyone knew it was a colossal mistake. And now, poof, there's $33 million back in Frank McCourt's pockets to spend on mini-skirts for his wife. It's truly incredible. It's a disgusting decision on Drew's part, but it's beautiful. Like the hills of Tuscany. Or free-flowing traffic on the Santa Monica Freeway.

"I told Colletti there was a strong demand in the marketplace for guys with J.D.'s skills," said Scott Boras. Really, Scott? A high demand for guys who hit 20 home runs, play with fear of injury in the outfield, and have to be handled like a rare crystal vase by their manager? There was never a lot of love for J.D. Drew in the baseball world, and his decision to give up $33 million out of sheer greed isn't going to gain him any fans. It's one thing if he absolutely hated living in L.A., but from all indications, he didn't. Boras made it clear: "It was a business decision." Ok, but don't come crawling back to the Dodgers when you're only offered a 2-year, $12 million contract by the Kansas City Royals. (God, we can only hope.)

"I know J.D. is a spiritual guy and a man of his word," said Ned Colletti. "I guess he changed his word." That's Colletti's nice way of saying that Drew is going to hell. Which begs the question: Is there a disabled list in hell?

November 6, 2006
Keeping up with the Dodgers

With the offseason about a month old, you're probably going through Hong-Chih Kuo withdrawl right about now. Ok, maybe not. But you can't deny that you occasionally wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what Toby Hall has been doing since the season ended. What, you don't? And you call yourself a Dodger fan? Shame on you.

Olmedo Saenz
After the season ended, Olmedo went home, looked himself in the mirror, and threw away all the bacon in his refrigerator. Proud of himself, he celebrated at Pizza Hut.

Andre Ethier
Ethier has spent the last month traveling with his wife, wondering why he didn't get a hit after the all star break, and trying new facial scrubs.

Jayson Werth
Pretty much unaware that the season ended, Werth continues to spend his time organizing M&Ms by color, punching himself in the eyes until blood comes out of his ears, and trying to convince his neighbors that he's a Major League baseball player. "You're a friggin' sasquatch," is all his neighbors tell him.

Rick Monday
On a cool night in late October, Monday was dozing at home while a fire burned in the fireplace. Startled by a helicopter above, Monday suddenly awoke, only to see the fire—and what he thought was an American Flag quickly burning. Moving like a 30-year-old outfielder, Monday leapt from his futon and dove headfirst into the fireplace. He was quickly engulfed by flames, but was able to save the burning piece of wood he mistook for a flag.

Jeff Kent
After spending the first few days of the offseason cursing his teammates for getting knocked out in the first round of the playoffs, Kent threw his bikes in his truck and headed out to Glamis. He returned home two days later with a broken neck and a leg brace. "I slipped at the Chevron station," he told his wife. "Listen to me goddammit, when Colletti calls, I slipped at the fucking Chevron station!"

Mark Hendrickson
Hendrickson has been busy since the season ended. He spent a week filling in for an injured giraffe at the Tampa Bay Zoo, he checked Randy Johnson for lice while the two were standing in line for a "How to be a palm tree" class, and he washed the moon by standing on his tippie toes.

Brett Tomko
Initially disappointed that the season was over, Tomko quickly recovered after remembering that he's married to a Playboy Playmate.

J.D. Drew
Afraid that his wife Sheigh would find his February 1998 issue of Playboy, Drew replaced the cover of the magazine with the cover from a recent issue of Jesus Weekly. "I never knew Christ had nipples like that," said Sheigh after finding the magazine three hours later.

Grady Little
Little has spent the last month watching Family Feud, leaving things in the oven too long, and having dinner with Julio Lugo.