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> SEPTEMBER 2002 September
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Of course we'd be remiss if we didn't mention one last thing: Paul Shuey sucks. September
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September
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What
most of us knew for weeks was made official on Saturday: the Dodgers
won't be playing October baseball. Despite the Dodgers' 14-2 win
over San Diego, the Giants won their seventh straight and clinched
the NL wild card. The Dodgers played well at the end, but when it
counted just as much earlier in the month, they choked. Tracy will
talk about how proud he is of the team, the players will talk about
how they gave it their best shot, management will talk about how
the team had their best record in a decade, and of course there
will be the fans who are content knowing the Dodgers were in the
hunt until the final weekend of the season. But the nasty truth
is this: The Dodgers haven't been in the playoffs in six years,
haven't won a postseason game in fourteen. Even the fat lady is
disgusted by that.
Yeah,
yeah, the Dodgers pulled out a dramatic extra-inning victory Saturday
and kept themselves alive for another day. But let's get to the
important stuff: Paul Lo Duca's wife is GORGEOUS. After Lo Duca's
10th inning home run gave the Dodgers the win, Channel 13 was gracious
enough to show Sonja Lo Duca cheering in the stands. Meanwhile,
many guys were cheering in their pants. Nice catch, Paul. (Not talking
about the sliding catch into the dugout.) As for the Dodgers, another
day, another exciting victory a bit too late to be exciting. The
Giants won again, and the Dodgers remain 2 1/2 games back with two
games left. The Giants have two more games with Houston, and then
a makeup game with Atlanta if necessary. So, the magic number is
one—one being the number of teeth missing from the middle of
Marquis Grissom's mouth.
Finally,
the Dodgers are playing exciting baseball... just when it's too
late. Down 5-4 with two outs in the eighth, the Dodgers rallied
for two runs and hung on to beat San Diego, 6-5. It's sad to see
only 20,000 people at a still-semi-meaningful game in late September,
but maybe if they had gotten their shit together a couple weeks
ago, people would be at the games this week. (Or, knowing Dodger
fans, maybe not.) Either way, they're 2 1/2 back with three games
left. Probable? Hell no. Possible? Well, if Eric Karros can be a
professional athlete and run like a dying donkey, than anything
is possible. Although, with Beirne and Daal starting the next two
games, and with the Giants playing great ball, there's more chance
that Gagne will wash his hat then there is that the Dodgers can
make the playoffs. 
Realistically,
the Dodgers don't have a chance in hell of reaching the Giants.
But they sure do fuck with the fans. On the brink of elimination,
the Dodgers pulled out a last-minute victory on Wednesday, coming
from behind to beat Colorado in the ninth inning. Looking dead and
uninterested as ever through the eighth, the Dodgers barely put
up a fight. However, Giovanni Carrara, who had no business starting
such a game, kept the Dodgers within striking distance. As unlikely
as a comeback seemed, the Dodgers managed to string together a few
base hits in the ninth, and Brian Jordan eventually won it with
a grounder up the middle. So, while we all know they're just delaying
the inevitable, the Dodgers continue to do what they do best: tease.
In
what probably marks the end of their season, the Dodgers were shut
out by the Colorado Rockies on Tuesday night. Combined with a Giants
victory, the Dodgers are now three back with five to go. So much
for that. Well, at least they gave it their best effort. Wait...
no they didn't. They got just three hits, left guys in scoring position
in the last two innings, made a terrible baserunning play (Beltre),
and wasted another great outing by Odalis Perez. They're not playing
the Atlanta Fuckin' Braves. We're talking about the Colorado Rockies—a
team that sucks to start with, and was playing without their two
best hitters, Todd Helton and Larry Walker. But wait, they had future
Hall of Famer Denny Stark on the mound. Oooh, we're all shitting
in our pants. (Note to fans: send your shit-stained pants to Bob
Daly, c/o Dan Evans, 1000 Elysian Park Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90012.)
Go Dodgers!
The
Dodgers made it two in a row against San Diego on Sunday, but failed
to gain ground on the Giants, who also won. Thankfully the Giants
now leave Milwaukee, never to return. The Dodgers remain two games
back, and remain in a must-win-every-friggin-game situation. Things
started very poorly Sunday. After just one pitch, Omar Daal was
behind 1-0, and it was 2-0 before he recorded an out. Shocking.
Who would have thunk it? Later in the game the Dodgers pulled to
within one, and Alex Cora hit one out in the 7th to tie the score.
(Cora then exchanged words with Adam Eaton, but unfortunately no
brawl.) A clutch ninth inning base hit by Mike Kinkade (the new
Dave Hansen) gave the Dodgers the lead, and Eric Gagne notched his
51st save. In cosmetology news, Eric Karros' hair now weighs more
than Jeff Reboulet.
The
goddamn Giants won again, but the Dodgers kept pace Saturday with
a 5-3 victory over San Diego. Hideo Nomo, unbelievably consistant
this year, picked up his 16th win, hurling eight strong innings.
After giving up a 3-run homer to Tom Lampkin in the second inning,
Nomo retired 18 straight Padres. Tied 3-3 going into the ninth,
the Dodgers gave Nomo the win by scoring twice off Trevor Hoffman,
both runs coming on a clutch bases loaded single by Marquis Grissom.
It was easy to envision the Dodgers wasting Nomo's performance,
and blowing their golden opportunity in the ninth, but Grissom—bad
teeth and all—came through. Eric Gagne picked up his 50th save,
although a scary moment came when Cesar Izturis appeared to kiss
Alex Cora near his eye. No fuckin' joke, it was on TV. In the middle
of the ninth inning, Izturis tried to make out with Cora. He couldn't
wait two outs and take his business into the showers? Team chemistry
is great, but a shortstop and second baseman should not tongue on
the field. Just wrong.
If
a team that's 29 1/2 games back of first and 24 games under .500
can get pumped up for a game, shouldn't the Dodgers be able to?
You would think so, unless, of course, you know the Dodgers. At
a point in the season when every game is critical, the Dodgers once
again look like they're just going through the motions. Andy Ashby
had another terrible outing, and the last-place Padres beat the
Dodgers, 8-4. With the exception of back-to-back homers in the third
inning that pulled them within one, the offense never mounted a
real threat, and the bullpen was typically ineffective. Jim Tracy
will continue to downplay each loss, and that's his job as manager,
but let's face it: if they can't beat the Padres, there isn't a
chance in hell they'd win a single post-season game. 
There
are times when it looks like the Dodgers are dead in the water.
They can't hit, they can't field, they can't pitch. Then a day later
they suddenly learn how to do all three. Plagued by inconsistancy
that's the sign of anything but a solid ballclub, the Dodgers are
just a game behind San Francisco nonetheless. Thursday night Odalis
Perez stepped up and pitched the Dodgers to a 6-3 win, giving the
bullpen a much needed day off. So the Dodgers come away with a split,
but not surprisingly the wins came on Nomo and Perez starts. Unfortunately,
there are three other pitchers in the rotation. And unfortunately,
they're Omar Daal, Andy Ashby, and Kevin Beirne. Still, the Dodgers
are eerily close. What it comes down to is this: either they step
it up against the Padres, or they go home and watch the playoffs
in their underwear. To spare us all the image of Jeff Reboulet in
his Hanes, let's hope for the best.
It's
mid-September. Dodgers vs. the Giants. The wild card on the line.
A 1-run game. Dodgers turn to the pen. Robert Ellis. ROBERT FUCKING
ELLIS??? What, you've never heard of him? Well, maybe it's because
HE'S MADE TWO FUCKING APPEARANCES ALL YEAR LONG. As if the Dodgers
weren't in enough trouble with Kevin Beirne starting the game, Jim
Tracy brings in a guy rustier than a mechanic's penis. Who knows
what that means. Regardless, with the Dodger pitching staff rapidly
disintegrating, things aren't looking good. Brown is gone, Ishii
is gone, Ashby isn't 100% (and even at 100% isn't 100%), and Omar
Daal is—as we said yesterday—Omar Daal. Paul Shuey is
garbage, Paul Quantrill hasn't had an off day since April, and Guillermo
Mota is nothing like Felix Rodriguez, no matter how often Vin Scully
insists on making the comparison. The Dodgers have a nasty road
ahead of them, and Carlos Perez is driving.
You'd
expect a letdown after Monday's amazing game, and the Dodgers didn't
disappoint. Omar Daal didn't make it out of the second, and the
Giants beat the Dodgers, 6-4. After an atypical first half, Daal
is finally pitching like, well, Omar Daal. Not a good time for that
to happen. Nor is down by four runs a good time to try to take an
extra base on an outfield miscue, a la Adrian Beltre in the fourth
inning. While a Paul Lo Duca sliding catch, a Shawn Green headfirst
slide into first, and a Brian Jordan take-out of Jeff Kent at second
showed the Dodgers still have a bit of heart, they're now a game
behind San Francisco. And Paul Quantrill has pitched in 312 consecutive
games.
Just
when baseball had come perilously close to turning on the fans,
just when the Dodgers looked completely down and out, just when
the Angels looked like the only probable playoff hope in
town, the greatest rivalry in baseball produces this: A come-from-behind
grand slam, a 90-year-old pitcher taken deep by the best hitter
in baseball, borderline fan interference, a worthless player biting
his former team in the ass, a game-saving catch, a wild card tie,
and Vin Scully calling it all. That's what it's about. On
a day when Kevin Brown was replaced in the starting rotation by
Kevin Beirne—is anyone really upset?—the Dodgers edged
the Giants, 7-6, and are once again tied for the lead in the NL
wild card race. The Dodgers may go down in flames the next three
games at the Stadium, but for one night at least, it feels good
to be a baseball fan in L.A.
Tickets
for the Division Series are now on sale, and you're trying to decide
whether to buy a few seats. Here's our advice: your money would
be better spent on a Beta VCR or an Apple IIC. The Dodgers have
about as much chance of making the playoffs as Hideo Nomo has of
learning English. There may only be a game or two back of the Giants,
but after losing three of four to the horrible Rockies, they can't
even have confidence in themselves at this point. The Dodgers lost
5-4 on Sunday, and continued to play poor ball. Andy Ashby had another
pathetic outing, and the Dodgers blew countless scoring opportunities.
Same old fucking story. Same old fucking Dodgers. So you're still
wondering whether to buy playoff tickets? Go ahead... buy a pair.
Then use them to slice your wrists.
The
Dodgers finally put up some numbers at Coors Field on Saturday,
but the real story is Chad Kreuter. Down 16-3 in the ninth, the
Rockies put in Todd Zeile to pitch. After a Cesar Izturis single,
Kreuter came to the plate... and grounded into a double-play. That's
almost as embarassing as choking a fan at Wrigley. And it's probably
more embarassing than striking out against a third baseman, which
Wilkin Ruan did following Kreuter's DP. Thank god for David Ross,
or the Dodgers would have faced two aging infielders in a matter
of weeks and come up empty. There was some good news to come
out of the game, however. Jeff Williams pitched a scoreless ninth
and lowered his ERA to a healthy Mulhollandesque 15.26—low
enough for the Dodgers to give him another shot next September.
Knocking
out only three hits in Colorado is like going to a whore house and
not getting laid. Just sad. (OK, it's sad if you're going to a whore
house in the first place, so maybe it's not the best analogy, but
you get the point.) The Dodgers managed just three hits in Coors
Field on Thursday, beginning the 4-game series against the Rockies
with a 7-1 loss. There's a reason the Rockies are 13 games below
.500, but someone needs to clue in the Dodgers. But no worries,
the Dodgers are unleashing their secret weapon on Friday night:
Kevin Beirne. Three weeks to go in the season, the Dodgers are locked
in a tight pennant race, and Kevin Beirne is making a start. KEVIN
BEIRNE? 
Kevin
Brown should no longer wear "Brown" on the back of his
uniform. The guy throwing those 85 mph fastballs with little movement
is not Kevin Brown. Any chance he can swap uniforms with
Dennis Springer? It took just pitches on Tuesday for Brown to get
into trouble, and when it was said and done, the Dodgers had slipped
into third place and lost their wild card lead. Now they can focus
on their next challenge: fourth place. Just 17 1/2 games separate
the Dodgers and Colorado, so wiith 18 to play, it can happen. If
Brown makes a couple more starts... and Beltre keeps striking out...
and Paul Shuey keeps pitching... it WILL happen. They'll self-destruct
on the field, and off. Just wait a couple more days... a couple
more losses. Guys will start venting, talking shit, placing blame.
And those are the guys who care. The rest will gladly go home in
October, stare at their bank statements, and come up with pretentious
names for their new kids.
Where's
Kevin Elster when you need him? The Dodgers lost 6-5 on Monday in
Pac Bell Park, slipping into a Wild Card tie with the goddamn Giants.
A struggling offense actually managed to score five runs—two
on clutch hits by Eric Karros, believe it or not—but the Dodgers
pitching left something to be desired. Odalis Perez made a couple
bad pitches—including one that Barry Bonds hit about 800 feet,
and Paul Shuey-Trombley provided his usual relief by giving up what
turned out to be the deciding run. Shuey-Trombley also distinguished
himself by serving up Robb Nen's first major league hit. Instead
of rolling the ball into the San Francisco dugout, Paul Lo Duca
should have drilled Shuey in the head with it. Speaking of heads,
Kaz Ishii should be happy he's not around to see this series.
Kaz
Ishii may have a nasty friggin' headache, but what hurts more are
the early signs of another September collapse. The Dodgers lost
6-2 to Houston on Sunday, and are now just a game in front of San
Francisco. Looking like they've lost much of the heart they showed
during the first half, the Dodgers aren't even playing good fundamental
ball. They're swinging at the first pitch following walks, they're
not advancing runners, and Shawn Green is slumping once again. It's
a recipe for collapse. Speaking of collapse, Kaz Ishii went down
hard in the 4th inning after a Brian Hunter line drive nailed him
in the forehead. The ball ricocheted back over home plate and landed
near the backstop. Frankly, Chad Kreuter's gotta catch that. And
why the hell isn't Ishii covering home? See, bad fundamental ball.
Thankfully, though, Ishii suffered "only" a mild skull
fracture. Some surmised that Ishii was hit by the liner because
of the late afternoon shadows in the stadium. Here's a more likely
theory: Ishii's head is weighed down by 12 pounds of hair and he
couldn't get out of the way. Kaz: Supercuts, 18 Battery Street...
it's about a mile from Pac Bell Park. Do yourself a favor. 
If
the dugout benches were more comfortable, you probably would have
seen the Dodgers sleeping on Saturday afternoon. Biologically speaking
they were awake, but you wouldn't have known it from their performance
on the field. Omar Daal pitched a lousy 4 2/3 innings, and the Dodgers
managed only six hits, losing to Houston, 6-1. Swinging at the first
pitch throughout the game, the Dodgers hit about a dozen meek comebackers
and mounted only one real threat, leaving the bases loaded in the
first inning. It went downhill from there. Eric Karros clinched
it in the ninth when he grounded out to short and barely made an
effort to reach first. Very inspiring.
The
Dodgers deserved to lose on Friday night, but it wasn't meant to
be. Picking up cheesy runs in the third and sixth, and the go-ahead
run in the eighth, the Dodgers knocked off Houston, 3-2. Their third
inning run came after a Mark Grudzielanek grounder that caromed
off third base. Then, in the sixth, Dave Roberts led off with a
bunt up the first base line. In an effort to avoid a tag, Roberts
ran about 30 feet onto the grass, practically to the Houston dugout.
Since he was no where near the line, Roberts made a diving attempt
at first, but missed the bag by about two feet. Nobody since Ellen
DeGeneres has been out more obviously. Yet, the umpiring crew was
apparently busy watching beachballs in the right field pavilion,
and Roberts was called safe. The only thing the Astros didn't do
was stick the ball up Roberts' ass, but they probably would have
called him safe then also. Houston manager Jimy Williams was ejected
and Roberts eventually scored the tying run. After taking the lead
in the eighth with an Eric Karros sac fly, Eric Gagne—looking
fatter and sloppier than ever—picked up his 48th save. Eric,
man, at least START the inning with your shirt tucked in.
Watching
the Dodgers get shut down by a rookie pitcher or some over the hill
clown can be frustrating and miserable. When it's Randy Johnson
on the mound, it's a bit easier to take. The Big, Ugly Bird-like
Unit completely stifled the Dodgers on Wednesday, giving up just
a ninth inning homer to Shawn Green and two other hits. Andy Ashby
didn't give the Dodgers much of a shot anyway, as the Diamonbacks
scored five in the first. Despite allowing two home runs, Ashby
wasn't charged with any earned runs because of a Cesar Izturis error.
That's bogus. When you give up back-to-back shots in the first inning,
your ERA needs to go up. Period. As for the Dodgers' sudden hopes
of catching Arizona in the standings, well, not gonna happen. But
they wouldn't be the Dodgers if they didn't tease us a bit.
The
Dodgers kicked the living shit out of the Diamondbacks on Sunday
behind a strong Odalis Perez outing and 307 base hits. With the
Dodgers leading by nineteen going into the ninth, however, Jeff
Williams blew the fucking shutout. Where the hell is Gagne? Jesus.
Anyway, you gotta love Mark Grace. The guy has been a class act
his whole career, and knew enough to have some fun with his ninth
inning pitching appearance. His Mike Fetters imitation was dead
on, although Grace missed the slobber flying from Fetters' mouth.
Fetters appeared to find the imitation funny, but all we know damn
well that he's going to eat Grace for dinner.