July 1, 2009 - Dodgers 1, Rockies 0
Dodgers go wild, score a run

For the Dodgers, the month of July began much like the month of June ended: quietly. After being shut out on Tuesday night, limited to just two hits, the Dodgers came right back Wednesday with the same lack of energy and inability to swing the bat. Thankfully for the Dodgers, the three hits they had through the first seven innings were one more than the Rockies were able to manage. Then, in the eighth, it all came together for the Dodgers: a single by Brad Ausmus, a bunt from Juan Castro, and a pinch single from Rafael Furcal scoring pinch-runner Russell Martin with the eventual game-winning run. Two hits and a bunt. Imagine that.

Now on to San Diego and the day the Dodgers have been waiting for: the potential return of Claudio Vargas. Oh, and that other guy also. To make room for Manny on the roster, the Dodgers are playing musical chairs. Hong-Chih Kuo will be moved from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL, Mitch Jones has been designated for assignment, A.J. Ellis has been optioned to the minors, Eric Stults is being activated from the DL, and Vargas is completing his rehabilitation assignment. In other words, who cares.

June 30, 2009 - Rockies 3, Dodgers 0
Dodgers putting all their eggs in one basket

The best thing about Tuesday night’s Dodger game was its length: two hours and fifteen minutes—short enough that Dodger fans can pretend like it never happened. I’ll start pretending in a few minutes, right after I go get an In-n-Out shake to make me feel better. Maybe two, actually—one for each hit the Dodgers got on Tuesday. James Loney singled in the second inning and Juan Castro in the eighth. Despite those two rallies and 11 strikeouts from Chad Billingsley, the Dodgers lost to the Rockies, 3-0. Jason Marquis didn’t allow a Dodger to reach second base, and helped his own cause by driving home two runs in the seventh. (Of course, it helped that he hit the ball to Juan Pierre, who looked like he was fielding and throwing home for the first time in his life. Seriously, it takes three seconds to transfer the goddamn ball from your glove to your hand and toss it toward the plate?)
 
But enough about Juan, who we won’t be seeing much of come Friday—a day that can’t come soon enough. In May, the Dodgers scored an average of 5.4 runs a game. In June, that’s dropped to 3.5 per game. Over the last four games, it’s even worse—they’re averaging less than two runs per game. When Manny Ramirez gets a standing ovation on Friday, it won’t be out of support for the asshole. Instead, it’ll be from pure relief knowing that the Dodgers may actually score five or six runs before the season’s over.

June 28, 2009 - Mariners 4, Dodgers 2
Dodgers offense melts under the sun

While Manny Ramirez is back in Southern California, someone may want to let the Dodgers know that he’s not actually back in their lineup yet. For a week now, the Dodgers have looked like they’re waiting for someone else to deliver the energy, the inspiration, and the big hit. Facing two very mediocre teams, they’ve lost 4 of 6, and are lucky to still find themselves seven games in front of the San Francisco Giants.

On Saturday, the Dodgers got just five hits; on Sunday, same story. Beyond the two runs they pushed across in the fifth inning, the Dodgers tiptoed through the game, never really looking like they had any interest in being out in the 90 degree sun. The second, third, fourth, and fifth spots in the lineup went a combined 0-for-18, and Hiroki Kuroda allowed four runs on eight hits. Adrian Beltre, meanwhile, knocked in a run for the Mariners and made two great plays at third.

More importantly, rumor has it that Ronald Belisario got a Bluetooth headset.

June 26, 2009 - Dodgers 8, Mariners 2
Ethreeier powers Dodgers victory

Andre Ethier has accomplished a lot in his short major league career, but only when you’re mentioned in the same breath as Hee Seop Choi do you really know you’ve made it. In the midst of his final season with the Dodgers, Choi homered three times in a game. No Dodger had done it since—until Friday night. Ethier homered to right center in the second inning, right field in the sixth, and then deep into the visitors bullpen in the eighth. The three home runs give him fourteen for the year, and if you listened to Vinny for even three seconds on Friday, you’d know that all but one of them have come at Dodger Stadium.

This was clearly Ethier’s game, but Clayton Kershaw should probably get a little love as well. Kershaw went six, giving up two runs and striking out eight. The win puts the Dodgers back to being eight games ahead of the Giants, who lost on Friday. I’m not exactly sure what business the Giants have being six games over .500, but all it would take is a lousy week for the Dodgers’ seemingly comfortable lead in the West to disappear. No need to worry, though, because a certain someone appears to be on the way back. I’m talking about Jason Schmidt, of course. Believe it or not, Schmidt pitched 7-2/3 scoreless innings on Friday at Triple-A—and, as of the moment, has yet to collapse in pain. (He must be saving that for the night in late July when he returns to the Dodgers... for about 10 minutes.)

June 24, 2009 - White Sox 10, Dodgers 7
Dodgers serve it up

Sometimes a guy has a lousy start but talks after the game about how he had good stuff and his location was off. Or how the other team just hit good pitches. Or how balls were just finding their way into the outfield. Not Randy Wolf—at least not on Wednesday. After giving up three home runs in 3+ innings against the Chicago White Sox, Wolf put it this way: "I stunk." He continued: "It’s virtually impossible to look at yourself in the mirror and think you’re going to get big league hitters out when you’re hitting your spot 30 percent of the time." He wasn’t done: "Frankly, I’m embarrassed with the way I pitched." And finally: "When you’re awful, you deserve to get your teeth kicked in." While the team dentist won’t be particularly happy to hear that, it’s certainly nice to see that Wolf hates himself, since I hate him too.

Wolf isn’t alone, however, on the list of self-loathing Dodger pitchers. Cory Wade pitched an inning, giving up two home runs, and James McDonald gave up another—the second of the day to Josh Fields, a guy who entered the game 0 for his last 16. If you’re counting at home, that’s six home runs for the White Sox. If you’re counting somewhere other than home, it’s still six home runs for the White Sox.

Wednesday also brought some good news for the Dodgers. Claudio Vargas, on the DL all season, appears to be healed from his shoulder injury. (If you’re perceptive enough to ask, "What shoulder injury," you’re right—he doesn’t have a shoulder injury. It’s actually his elbow. But if you knew that you either spend way too much time following the career of Claudio Vargas, or you’re actually Claudio Vargas.)

June 21, 2009 - Dodgers 5, Angels 3
Call the paramedics: Kershaw goes seven

On Saturday night, the impossible happened: Russell Martin hit a home run. But just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier, Clayton Kershaw took the mound on Sunday… and stayed on it through the seventh inning. Actually, I’m not even sure Kershaw knew that baseball games could have more than five innings. Kershaw walked four, struck out five, and didn’t allow a run. His biggest challenge came in the fifth when he worked out of a bases loaded, nobody out jam.

Juan Pierre had a pair of run-scoring doubles (one that even went over the left fielder who, to be perfectly honet, was positioned about twenty feet beyond the infield dirt), James Loney hit a two-run homer, and Casey Blake had an RBI infield single. The Dodgers were up 5-1 entering the ninth, but Jonathan Broxton made it interesting for the second night in a row. After grooving a couple of 0-2 pitches and watching the Angels score two, Broxton found himself facing the potential tying run in Mike Napoli. The Angels catcher grounded out to third, however, and the Dodgers escaped the O.C. having won two of three. And for many Dodger fans, Sunday’s game was extra special as fathers and sons had the opportunity to join together in cursing Joe Morgan.

June 19, 2009 - Angels 5 , Dodgers 4
Note to the O.C.: it's June

I’m all for being passionate and intense, but didn’t Friday night’s game in Anaheim seem like a little much? From the Angels fans who clearly thought this was the seventh game of the World Series to the Angels broadcasters who orgasmed about twice an inning, I spent most of the nine innings nauseous and angry. It didn’t help to hear Chone Figgins, Macier Izturis, and Vladimir Guerrero be referred to as Figgy, Izzy, and Vlady. Jesus Christ, if you’re so in love, why not just go down on the field and have sex with them?

I don’t know, maybe it all wouldn’t bother me so much if the Dodgers had just won and sent 40,000 disappointed people back to their homes in Buena Park, Tustin, and Yorba Linda. The Dodgers really had no excuse to lose. They had a three-run lead in the sixth, (which Chad Billingsley blew), they had a couple great plays from Casey Blake, and they had countless chances to break the game open. They left the bases loaded in the third and eighth innings, and left two on in the ninth when Matt Kemp struck out to end the game.

Now, the attention turns to Saturday’s matchup: Weaver vs. Weaver... or, as an Angels broadcaster might say, Weaver vs. Weavy.

June 18, 2009 - Dodgers 3, Athletics 2
Wolf loses a W, but Dodgers win

Under the heading of "Are you F’ing kidding me," add Juan Pierre’s play in the seventh inning Thursday night. With Rajai Davis on first and the Dodgers up by a run, Nomar Garciaparra hit a looping single to left. As Davis cruised around to third, Pierre picked up the ball, looked toward Davis, and then lobbed the ball toward second base. Davis didn’t stop, and easily scored the tying run. From first base. On a single to left field. First of all, I don’t care if a goddamn cheetah is on the bases—it shouldn’t score from first on a single to left. Second, didn’t Juan Pierre play on the same goddamn team with Nomar Garciaparra for two years? Did he ever watch him run? I don’t think the guy is sneaking into second on a base hit. Third, I don’t care where Rafael Furcal may have been telling Pierre to throw the ball—Pierre has the whole play in front of him. Know the situation, know who’s on base, know the score, and throw the ball to the right place. I know he’s not going to throw a bullet to home plate, but he didn’t need to. If the ball went in anywhere near third base, Davis isn’t coming home, Nomar isn’t going to second, and Randy Wolf gets a fucking win for once. In fifteen starts this season, Wolf has ten no-decisions.

Brent Leach certainly isn’t complaining, as he faced two batters and was the pitcher of record when Mark Loretta knocked in James Loney in the bottom of the seventh. The win puts the Dodgers nine games ahead of the Giants and somehow improves their record to 44-23 despite having averaged just four runs a game over their last nine wins.

Lastly, I’d just like to officially say goodbye to Jason Repko. While technically he’s still on the Triple-A team, the Dodgers have given Mitch Jones the #17 uniform that Repko has dirtied (albeit infrequently) over the last four seasons. The Dodgers have recalled fourteen players from the minors this season, and Repko’s still in Albuquerque. I’m not saying the Dodgers should recall him, but shouldn’t they just release the poor guy already? At least give him a chance to hook up with the Royals or something.

June 16, 2009 - Dodgers 5, Athletics 4
McCourt acts charitable; A's follow suit

Forty-one thousand people watched the Dodgers beat the A’s on Tuesday night at Dodger Stadium, although I'm guessing that only about 3,000 of them had tickets before the Dodgers came up with their "free parking" promotion. Oh, sorry, did I say promotion? I meant to say that Frank McCourt decided to give fans free parking this week out of the goodness of his heart. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that no one in the city wanted to attend a mid-week game against Oakland. Nothing at all.

While those 41,000 fans were busy buying Dodger Dogs, beer, and leftover Jamie Hoffman jerseys, the Dodgers and A’s stayed scoreless through five innings. Clayton Kershaw came out in the sixth, having walked three and struck out eight, but Ronald Belisario picked up nicely for him. The Dodgers finally pushed across two runs in the bottom of the sixth on a single and two doubles. Things went terribly wrong for Ramon Troncoso in the eighth, though. Moments after Vin Scully made a point of mentioning how many home runs Troncoso had allowed this season (zero), he allowed two—one a three-run shot. Down by two, the Dodgers fought back in the bottom of the inning, tying the game with two singles, a walk, a double, and a fielder’s choice.

In the tenth, the A’s decided to get on board with the whole charity thing. After a leadoff single by Orlando Hudson, the other Orlando on the field (Cabrera) bobbled Casey Blake’s ground ball, and the Dodgers were in business. Two outs later—and after the reversal of a call at first base—Matt Kemp drove one through the right side, scoring Hudson and giving the Dodgers another walk-off victory. Exciting, but I’ll end with this: Russell Martin went 0-for-4 and in an at-bat 10 years in the making, Mitch Jones struck out.

June 14, 2009 - Dodgers 6, Rangers 3
Despite Satan's home runs, Dodgers win

In my thirty-four years on this planet, I’ve never had a shortage of people to despise. There was my first little league coach, who made me hit righty despite being a lefty. There was my tenth grade English teacher who firmly believed that we lived in medieval times. There are City of LA parking enforcement officers, there are the people who don’t pull completely into the left turn lane, there are the people who call everyone boss, chief, captain, or sport, and there’s Oprah. As much as I hate all of these people, though, I can confidently say that there’s one person who I hate the most: Andruw Jones.

I was annoyed when he showed up fat to spring training last year. I was angry that he didn’t get into shape by April or May. I resented the fact that he didn’t seem to care about struggling. And I disliked him for taking Dodger fans’ money and giving back nothing in return. It wasn’t until this weekend, though, that I can say I truly hate the man. After his comments about not getting respect from Frank McCourt, his home run on Saturday, and his base hit and homer on Sunday, I’d like to shove a hockey stick up his fucking ass. And since the Dodgers are technically still his employer, shouldn’t they be able to arrange that?

On Sunday, Jones’ base hit in the first inning led to two runs, and his home run in the fourth off Chad Billingsley got the Rangers to within a run of the Dodgers. God bless Jonathan Broxton for striking Jones out on three pitches in the ninth—one of three strikeouts Broxton had in picking up his 16th save of the year. The Dodgers finally got a solid performance from a starter, with Chad Billingsley working into the eighth inning before he was pulled. Casey Blake, obviously feeling at home in a state where there are a lot of lumberjacks, led the Dodgers’ offense by knocking in four of the team’s six runs.

June 12, 2009 - Rangers 6, Dodgers 0
Everything is bigger in Texas—except Dodgers bats

If there’s anything positive to take from Friday night’s loss to the Texas Rangers, it’s that Andruw Jones didn’t play. I don’t know if I can stomach that son-of-a-bitch coming to the plate against the Dodgers… with runners on base… ninth inning… one-run game. It’s bound to happen one of these days, although probably not for awhile if the Dodgers continue to play like they did on Friday. When your starting pitcher gets rocked and you don’t score any runs, you typically don’t have to worry about any ninth inning drama.

Kuroda gave up five runs—four earned—in 5+ innings, allowing four singles, two doubles, a triple, and a home run. The Dodgers offense watched jealously, as they came up empty inning after inning. Texas starter Vicente Padilla, who hadn’t won in more than a month, allowed just four hits, and two relievers combined to finish off the floundering Dodgers.

June 9, 2009 - Dodgers 6, Padres 4
Dodgers find the big sticks

After facing the World Champion Phillies over the weekend, the Dodgers had an opportunity to relax a little on Monday, knowing they were facing the slightly less formidable Padres on Tuesday night. Maybe Chad Billingsley relaxed a little too much. Billingsley gave up two runs in the first inning and was in constant trouble over the five and two-thirds innings he pitched.

Thankfully for the Dodgers, the stadium grounds crew found a way to secretly move in the outfield walls before the bottom of each inning. The Dodgers, who rank 26th in the majors in home runs, actually hit four—two from Andre Ethier, and one each from Orlando Hudson and Matt Kemp. Partial credit goes to my intoxicated wife, who called Hudson’s shot and Ethier’s second one. She should have kept drinking, though, because once she sobered up her predictions became absurd: a James Loney triple, a Mark Loretta double, and a Juan Pierre single (none of which happened, obviously). Here’s a prediction of my own: We’re eating canned peaches for dinner the rest of the week because we just spent $75 on alcohol.

Speaking of canned peaches (or anything else that’s edible), Jonathan Broxton picked up his 14th save with a not-so-smooth ninth inning. With the tying run at the plate after a walk and a single, Broxton struck out Brian Giles to end the game. The victory puts the Dodgers at 40-20, which assures them of having a winning record when Manny returns… even if they lose the next nineteen games.

June 7, 2009 - Phillies 7, Dodgers 2
This time, it's fans who walk off

Dodger fans who were committed enough to stick around on Friday night and Saturday afternoon were treated to heroics from Rafael Furcal and Andre Ethier, as the Dodgers rallied to beat Philadelphia both days. Dodger fans who were committed enough to stick around on Sunday evening were… well… treated to Travis Schlichting’s major league debut. And I must say, he was pretty schlitty. Schlichting gave up a home run to the first batter he faced (Ryan Howard) and then walked the bases full an inning later. None of it mattered, though, since Randy Wolf had already pitched six and a third crappy innings—long enough for the damage to be done.

Combine a lousy start with a struggling Dodgers offense (yes, struggling—they’ve scored two runs or fewer in 7 of their last 11 games), and you end up with a Phillies victory. The Dodgers weren’t without opportunities, but they failed to capitalize on them. They left two on in the 4th, and then blew a chance in the 6th when Matt Kemp grounded into a double play (bad call or not). To cap the fun, Chan Ho Park—who entered the game with a hot 7.32 ERA—threw three scoreless innings in relief of Antonio Bastardo (no comment), limiting the Dodgers to just a hit.

June 4, 2009 - Phillies 3, Dodgers 0
Dodgers take the day off

Well, at least there was one home team scoring tonight in Downtown LA. While the Lakers beat the crap out of Orlando, the Dodgers barely showed a heartbeat against the Philadelphia Phillies, losing 3-0. Cole Hamels, who entered the game with an ERA of more than 5.00, threw a complete game shutout, walking none and making just 97 pitches. Clayton Kershaw had another underwhelming start, lasting until just the sixth inning.

The Dodger offense, meanwhile, produced just five hits—all in different innings. Rafael Furcal and Russell Martin each went hitless, leaving me to wonder if they’re having a competition to see who can be the first to drop under .200. If Martin ends up that low, it wouldn’t be for lack of an afro—the growth of which seems to be inversely proportionate to the decline of his career.

Good thing for me I can always live in the past. While the Dodgers struggled on the field, I sat above third base reminiscing with friends about who wore certain uniform numbers (8, for instance, was worn by the likes of Greg Gagne, Mark Grudzielanek, and Ron Coomer), who went 0-for-28 in 1991 before he was traded (Jose Gonzalez), and who the Dodgers dealt for Kevin Tapani and Mark Guthrie (turns out it was Ron Coomer again, among others). I can’t remember what I did yesterday, but I know that Charlie Hough replaced Glenn Gregson as pitching coach in 1998. Fucking awesome.

June 2, 2009 - Dodgers 6, Diamondbacks 5
Happy ending for Dodgers

Typically, I’m either in or out. I either watch a game or I don’t. Nine innings or nothing. Ok, you get the point. On Tuesday night, however, two innings was enough. Randy Wolf was on pace to give up about twenty-five runs, Danny Haren seemed on his game, and frankly, I had other shit to do… that is, until about 9:30 when I couldn’t take anymore and turned on the TV. Part of me expected to have missed a miraculous fifth-inning comeback, part of me expected the Diamondbacks to be up 14-3, and part of me strongly considered turning on porn instead. Turns out the happy ending was on Channel 9.

I re-joined the game as Rafael Furcal walked to load the bases with two outs in the eighth. Orlando Hudson walked to force in a run, and then James Loney came to bat with the tying runs on base. Not about to fall for their tease, though, I grabbed the remote and readied myself to turn off the TV once Loney grounded to first. Only he didn’t. He smoked one to the gap in right-center, just out of Justin Upton’s reach, and suddenly the game was tied—at least momentarily. A wild pitch sent Loney to third, and a clutch single by The Beard put the Dodgers ahead, 6-5. Jonathan Broxton set the Diamondbacks down in the ninth for his 12th save, and the Dodgers avoided what would have been their fourth loss in five games.

More importantly, I still had time for porn.

June 1, 2009 - Diamondbacks 3, Dodgers 2
Wild pitches burn Dodgers

Well, that figured. The Arizona Diamondbacks beat the Dodgers by a run on Monday—a run that came from the final two of five wild pitches by Dodgers relievers. The eighth inning run didn’t look like much at the time, with the Diamondbacks already up 2-0 and the Dodgers comatose at the plate, but leave it to the Dodgers to eventually make the wild run count.

The first three wild pitches came in the seventh inning—all from Cory Wade. Despite two walks on top of those wild pitches, though, Wade emerged unscathed. The same couldn’t be said for Brent Leach, who apparently hadn’t coated his body with enough rosin prior to each blink of his eye. Leach gave up a single to Gerardo Parra, wild pitching him to second... and then to third. Parra then scored on a groundout, making it 3-0 Arizona.

Only in the ninth did the Dodgers’ offense—which had twice wasted leadoff doubles—finally awaken. After J. Martin struck out to start the inning, L. Ethier singled (I think his fifth hit since Manny left), Matt Kemp reached on an error, and Rafael Furcal singled in Ethier. Jamie Hoffman flew to left for the second out, bringing up Juan Pierre. Earning at least $500 of his $9 million salary, Pierre lined one over short, driving in Kemp. With the tying run at third, and all 2,500 people who were left at the stadium on their feet, Mark Loretta flew out to left to end it. For the record, that’s the Dodgers’ third loss in the last four games—and they’ve scored a total of five runs in those losses.

I should point out two important things about Monday’s loss, though. First, it marked the return of Hiroki Kuroda, who went five innings, striking out six and walking three. Second, there is a porn star in Arizona’s bullpen. His name is Clay Zavada, and his moustache probably smells like a combination of dirty vagina, tobacco, and huevos rancheros.

May 30, 2009 - Cubs 7, Dodgers 0
Dodgers in Chicago; offense still in Denver

See what happens when you start talking about Manny Ramirez not being missed? On a roll for the fist couple weeks of Manny’s absence, the Dodgers’ offense has suddenly hit the wall. In three games against the Cubs, the Dodgers have scored a total of three runs. Andre Ethier has no RBIs in his last eight games. Rafael Furcal looks like Rafael Landestoy. James Loney is batting cleanup but hasn’t hit a home run in more than two weeks. Even Juan Pierre has hit the skids, going hitless in two straight games.

On Saturday, the Dodgers’ offensive futility was matched by an equal amount of failure on the mound. Eric Stults spent three innings getting behind just about everyone, and the Cubs touched him for runs in the second, third, and finally in the fourth before he was pulled. Jeff Weaver was even worse, walking five and giving up three runs over 2+ innings. According to various sources, Weaver’s ERA is only at 4.38… however I’m pretty sure the entire internet is wrong.

Meanwhile, Milton Bradley had three hits, adding about twenty points to his .204 average. He also patted second base umpire Mark Wegner on the ass after being thrown out trying to advance on a wild pitch in the third inning. I guess it was his subtle way of saying, "Hey Mark, I’m really a good guy, so please don’t pay any attention next week when I cleat the opposing second baseman in the face and then have anal with his wife."

May 27, 2009 - Dodgers 8, Rockies 5
Dodgers survive Broxton's scare

There was good news and bad news for the Dodgers in Colorado on Wednesday. The good news was that they swept the Rockies, moving their major league leading record to 33-15. The bad news was that Jonathan Broxton made about a hundred and ten pitches in the ninth inning and is probably out of commission for the entire Chicago series this weekend. Ok, fine, so he only made 38 pitches, and he'll probably just have to rest on Thursday, but seriously, 38 pitches?

The Dodgers entered the ninth with a comfortable 8-3 lead, thanks in large part to a five-run seventh. Juan Pierre, Mark Loretta, and James Loney had the big hits (Pierre could hit .800 for all I care, I'm still not going to forget about his arm), and the Dodgers turned a one run defecit into a four run lead. After adding another run in the top of the eighth, Ronald Belisario started the ninth by giving up a single. Will Ohman then gave up a triple, and Joe Torre turned to Broxton. Strikeout. Double. Walk. Walk. Strikeout. Walk. For those counting at home, that's bases loaded, two out, three runs in, and a pitcher who's getting very, veryhungry from standing on the mound for a half hour. Thankfully, Brad Hawpe grounded out to end it, and Broxton go eat.

May 25, 2009 - Dodgers 16, Rockies 6
Dodgers get the runs in Colorado

Only in Colorado can your pitching staff walk eleven guys—and you still win by ten runs. It was a tidy 0-0 game until the fourth inning when the Dodgers seemingly broke it open by scoring seven runs. The Rockies came back with a harmless run in the bottom of the fourth, but then took advantage of Eric Stults’s inability to find the plate and Jeff Weaver’s inability to throw good pitches to score four in the fifth. Weaver yielded another run in the sixth, and it looked like the Dodgers were up shit’s creek (which, coincidentally, is a beautiful little stream just north of Denver). Will Ohman escaped Weaver’s jam, though, and then the Dodgers exploded.

After Casey Blake grounded out to start the seventh, Matt Kemp and James Loney walked. Jamie Hoffman doubled in Kemp, Juan Castro singled in Loney and Hoffman, Juan Pierre reached on an infield single, Russell Martin singled in Castro, Orlando Hudson singled in Pierre and Martin, Blake doubled in Hudson, and Kemp singled in Blake. Eight runs came across, and the Dodgers added another in the ninth just for fun.  

Four Dodgers finished the game with three hits—among them, Juan Castro. Including Monday’s game, Castro is now hitting .387. Sure, we’re only talking about 31 at-bats, but let’s be honest: a shortage of at-bats has never stopped Castro from hitting .204. Could it be that he’s just a late bloomer? Could it be that it’s just taken him fourteen years to learn how to hit? Could it be that Don Mattingly’s greatest triumph might end up being the re-birth of Juan Castro? Could it be that I had one too many enchiladas tonight? (Seriously, I did have enchiladas, and I’m pretty sure I had one too many.)

May 24, 2009 - Angels 10, Dodgers 7
Sixteen is sweet for Angels

There’s nothing a manager loves to do more than use six pitchers the day before his team travels to Colorado. It’s tough to avoid it, though, when all your pitchers suck. The Dodgers led the Angels 4-0 after the second inning, but it was pretty much downhill from there. Chad Billingsley gave up two runs in the third inning and three more in the sixth, and then a quality quintet of Dodger relievers yielded another five runs before it was all said and done. Four hours worth of baseball, and the Angels ended up with ten runs on sixteen hits—nine of the hits off of Billingsley.

As bad as Dodger pitching was on Sunday, no Dodger defeat is complete without some blown opportunities at the plate. Down 7-4 in the bottom of the eighth, the Dodgers rallied to score two and loaded the bases with one out. Torre then turned to Rafael Furcal to pinch hit, which is like turning to a rabbi to perform a baptism. Furcal was hitting .224 in his career as a pinch hitter and entered the game hitting .240 for the season. Good choice, Joe. After Furcal surprised no one by grounding into a force play, Juan Pierre lined out, and the Dodgers were done. Well, they were done until the bottom of the ninth, when they pushed across a run on two doubles. By then, though, the run meant nothing, as Brent Leach and Ramon Troncoso had combined to give the Angels three insurance runs.

Lost in the defeat was the performance of Jamie Hoffmann. Making his first major league start, the rookie outfielder who mildly resembles Brett Tomko hit a three run homer in the second inning and doubled in a run in the eighth. In between, he tried to decapitate Orlando Hudson with his elbow but was shocked to discover that the heads of major leaguers don’t explode like those of minor leaguers.

May 20, 2009 - Dodgers 2, Mets 1
50,000 bobblebeards and a sweep

The Dodgers weren’t particularly productive with guys on base Wednesday, but there’s good news: the Mets were worse. With a run in the first inning and another in the eighth, the Dodgers came away with a 2-1 victory and a sweep of the Mets, their first in two years. You can give credit to Jeff Weaver (who pitched five innings of one-run ball) you can give credit to Orlando Hudson (who made a great play in the hole to trim the front-end of a Mets rally), or you can give credit to Brent Leach (who escaped a one-out, second and third jam that he inherited from Ronald Belisario in the eighth)… but if you give credit to any of those guys, you’re forgetting one thing: the Power of the Beard. It was Casey Blake Bobblehead Night at the stadium, and 50,000 of them were happily received by fans in attendance. (Ok, fine, most of the bobbleheads probably had Coke and shit spilled on them by the third inning, but that just gives them character—as well as a scent that ants will love when you proudly display your bobblehead on top of the toilet.)

So, despite guys like Rafael Furcal and Andre Ethier hitting like, well, Casey Blake, the Dodgers have extended their lead in the West to 8-1/2 games, and their home record to 17-3. It’s pretty much all a fluke, but go ahead, have your fun.

May 18, 2009 - Dodgers 3, Mets 2
Time zones—saving Mets fans since 1962

All baseball players should be so lucky as to have teammates like Angel Pagan, Carlos Beltran, and Jeremy Reed. What great guys. Minutes after Mets outfielder Ryan Church experienced the high of scoring the go-ahead run—and then immediately experienced the low of having the run taken away because he missed third base—Pagan, Beltran, and Reed did everything they could to take the attention off of Church. With Mark Loretta on first and nobody out in the bottom of the 11th, Xavier Paul flied to left center. Pagan went toward center, Beltran went toward left, and the ball went past both their gloves for a two-base error (the Mets’ fourth of the night—at that point). The Mets walked Juan Pierre to load the bases, and then brought in Beltran to be the fifth infielder—leaving a huge gap in the outfield. Apparently the gap wasn’t large enough for Rafael Furcal, though, as he flied out to short left. Then it was Orlando Hudson’s turn to choke. Thankfully for the Dodgers, the Mets out-choked him. Hudson hit what should have been an inning-ending double-play ball to first baseman Jeremy Reed, who threw the ball home—or at least that’s where I think he was trying to throw the ball. Loretta scored, the Dodgers won, and the Mets walked into their clubhouse where they probably proceeded to beat the living shit out of eachother.

If I were a Mets fan right about now, well, thankfully I’d be asleep. It would be about 2:15 in the morning in New York, with most Mets fans probably not finding out about their team’s complete meltdown until they pick up the morning paper or wake up to the smell of Citi Field burning. The time difference, I would imagine, probably saved hundreds of thousands of Mets fans from violent acts of suicide… though it won’t have any bearing on whether former Dodger Ramon Martinez decides to prolong his life after going 0-for-5 with two errors.

For a few innings, of course, there was pain for Dodger fans as well. Randy Wolf’s great start was ruined by a game-tying squibber in the top of the eighth (off the bat of Gary Sheffield, no less), and the Dodgers blew 1st and 3rd situations in the bottom of both the eighth and ninth… not to mention Juan Castro’s average dropped to .409.

May 14, 2009 - Dodgers 5, Phillies 3
Broxton to Bills: "I'll take that"

Upset that Chad Billingsley has been getting attention for his 5-1 record, Jonathan Broxton vowed to do something about it on Thursday. Entering the ninth with a 3-1 lead, Broxton struck out the first two Phillies. Two strikes away from giving Billingsley his sixth win of the year, Broxton gave up a single to Raul Ibanez. He then walked Greg Dobbs, hitting all of .138. Broxton gathered himself, quickly got the count 0-2 on Carlos Ruiz… and then gave up a game-tying double. Just like that, Billingsley’s seven innings and nine strikeouts were for naught.

Broxton’s evil plan worked perfectly, as the Dodgers scored two in the top of the 10th, eventually beating the Phillies, 5-3. Chad Billingsley: no decision. Jonathan Broxton: win.

While the Dodgers leave Philadelphia content having taken two of three from the World Champion Phillies, there’s one Dodger who’s not going to enjoy the flight to Florida. Jeff Weaver, who made two starts in place of James McDonald, has been sent back to the bullpen. In his place Saturday will be Eric Milton, just recalled from Triple-A. (It’s always funny to talk about a 55-year-old being recalled from the minors.) Milton will become the eighth Dodger to start a game this season, and we’re only halfway through May. That puts the Dodgers on pace to have about 36 different starters this year, which is good news for Juan Pierre, who might actually have a job when Manny returns.

May 12, 2009 - Phillies 5, Dodgers 3
Ex-rated loss for Dodgers

For whatever reason, the Dodgers had managed to make it more than a month into the season without being tormented by former Dodgers out for revenge. Luck ran out on Tuesday night in Philadelphia—in a big way.

Chan Ho Park, who the Dodgers declined to re-sign this winter (and with sure-bets like Shawn Estes and Eric Milton waiting in the wings, who could blame them), threw six innings, giving up just two hits and walking none. Jayson Werth, meanwhile, took matters into his own hands, er, legs. Werth singled with one out in the seventh inning, and then gave his former organization the ultimate F.U. by stealing second, third, and home. He also stole a base earlier in the game, giving him four on the day. That adds to Werth’s hefty season total of… three.

While we’re on the topic of guys padding their numbers against the Dodgers, how about Pedro Feliz? Here’s a guy who had walked nine times all season and will generally swing at a ball if it’s, oh, in the air. So what did Dodger pitchers do on Tuesday? They walked him four times. Four times? In his entire eight-year career, Feliz has walked multiple times in a game only fifteen times. And the Dodgers walk him four times in a game? Congratulations to Dodger pitching—that’s not an easy feat.

The game also served as a lesson to Dodger fans: You start talking about Juan Pierre like he’s some kind of savior… and he’ll go Juan-for-Five and make the last out of the game as the potential tying run. Shame on you.

May 9, 2009 - Dodgers 8, Giants 0
Ok, so they'll go 1-49

After two pathetic attempts to win sans Manny, the Dodgers finally succeeded on Saturday afternoon, beating the Giants, 8-0. Eric Stults went the distance, scattering four hits, and the offense got a lift from the unlikeliest of sources: the Juans. Pierre and Castro, batting first and eighth respectively, combined for three runs, six hits, and five RBIs. The performance raises skinny Juan’s batting average to .405, and journeyman Juan’s batting average to .438. If we go another month and either of them are batting even .300, I’ll run down Elysian Park Avenue naked.

The win comes two days late, but it’s obviously big for the Dodgers, who had to prove to themselves (even more than to fans or the rest of the league) that they’re still capable of playing baseball. Probably a good idea to get the win out of the way Saturday, because they face Tim Lincecum on Sunday. More important than who they face the next few weeks, though, is who decides to step up and fill the Man gap. While the pressure is clearly on Andre Ethier, it’s clearly time for Casey Blake and James Loney to start hitting. Loney, at least, is capable. Blake… not so sure. After going hitless on Saturday, he’s batting .238. For $6 million a year you’d like to expect more, but when you consider his .264 career average, higher expectations should only lead to disappointment.

Speaking of disappointment, the Dodgers seem to be eagerly awaiting the return of Manny—to the clubhouse, that is. "I think it's important that players get a chance to see him," Torre said. "I don't think we need anything formal. I think they just need to physically see him." Yeah, um, I wouldn’t hold your breath, Joe. If Manny truly gave two shits about anything, do you think he would have taken the vaginal drugs in the first place? You think he would have held out for four months for a new contract? You think he’d be talking about returning to Cleveland after the season while the Dodgers were busy renaming a section of the stands for him? You can expect him to play well when he returns on July 3rd, but if you’re expecting to seem him before then, you’d better head to Miami and start walking the beaches.

May 7, 2009 - Nationals 11, Dodgers 9
A day most dreadful (or dreadless, I guess)

On top of what happened Thursday morning, I'd say that Thursday night’s Dodger game was just about the most nauseating thing I’ve ever fucking seen. I’m literally sick to my stomach. I want to puke up the Indian food I had for lunch, smear it on my TV, and then light my hair on fire while a midget cuts off my fingers, one by one. I have tickets to Friday’s game, but I think I’d rather pour ink in my ears and jump in front of a tour bus.

How in fuck’s name do you lead the Washington Nationals 6-0 in the 6th inning, and end up losing, 11-9? I’ll tell you how: You score six runs in the first inning and then tuck your nuts into your abdomen for the next seven innings. Meanwhile, you stick with Cory Wade way too long, and then bring in a kid from Double-A who has no business inheriting a second and third, one out situation with the game tied. Then you bring in Guillermo Mota, who’s old, getting fat, and should never have been signed in the first place. Then you score a run off Joe Beimel in the bottom of the eighth and load the bases to put the go-ahead run at the plate—in Juan Pierre. Would it happen any other way? Juan Pierre, in the lineup for Manny Ramirez, stands at the plate with a chance to be a hero. And he grounds to first. And then, for a final kick in the nuts, the Dodgers score two in the ninth and leave the tying runs on base.

Any chance we can just rewind to about 10 pm Wednesday night—and then freeze time for the rest of our goddamn lives?

May 7, 2009
Suspended animation

It was late Wednesday evening when the Baseball Gods gathered for their weekly meeting in the Heavens. "Hey," one Baseball God whispered to another, "the Dodgers have won thirteen in a row at home—they're the talk of baseball." Horrified at the news, the second Baseball God stood up and slammed his fist on the table. "How the FUCK did we let this happen? This is inexcusable! There are Dodger fans actually enjoying themselves? Actually believing in the team?" A few seconds of silence passed, and then a third Baseball God spoke up. "So, how do we punish Dodger fans?"

Thursday morning, Dodger fans got the answer. Manny Ramirez, the $25 million man who brought the fun back to Dodger Stadium, had been suspended for 50 games after testing positive for a banned substance. Immediately, shock. Then, the flurry of information flooded in: The substance wasn't a steroid. It was given to him by a doctor. He wouldn't protest the suspension. He was sorry. Then the news got weird: The substance was a performance enhancer—of the sexual type. No, wait, it was a women's fertility drug—sometimes taken by steroid users to get their bodies to produce testosterone naturally again. Whatever the drug, wherever he got it, however long he's been taking it—it's all pretty irrelevant right now. The damage is done, and here's what we’re facing:

• Red Sox fans are peeing in their pants with glee.

• I need new boxers because I shit myself this morning.

• The Dodgers' 13-0 start will now have an asterisk.

• Lucky that Juan Pierre wears number 9, because $9 is all anyone is going to pay to sit in the Juanwood section of the stands.

• Frank McCourt will never again spend more than $500,000 on a contract.

• Local plumbers are going to make a killing fixing toilets clogged with fake dreadlocks.

• The Dodgers will go 2-48 without Manny—which, honestly, is now the least of the organization's problems.

Oh well, let's look at the bright side: I don't think he'll be opting out of his contract in October.

May 6, 2009 - Dodgers 10, Nationals 3
Dodgers toss Cobb's salad

While Dodger fans were clearly distraught Wednesday over the news that former Dodger Scott Proctor will undergo Tommy John surgery, they managed to find a little enjoyment in the other event of the day: the Dodgers’ record-setting thirteenth straight home victory. With the win, the Dodgers’ pass Ty Cobb’s 1911 Detroit Tigers, who won twelve in a row to start the season.

For a few innings, though, things didn’t look so good for Dodger fans (who are now completely spoiled). The Dodgers loaded the bases in the first inning, only to have Andre Ethier hit into one of his Shawn Green-like double plays. The Dodgers left runners at second and third in the second inning, and then managed to squeeze only a run out of a bases loaded, one out situation in the fifth. By the sixth inning, the Dodgers had left thirty-seven guys on base and owned a precarious 2-1 lead.

Then the bottom of the sixth came. Single, walk, walk, single, walk, double, walk, single… and when it was said and done, the Dodgers were crushing the poor Nationals, 9-1. Guillermo Mota felt so bad that he immediately gave two runs back to Washington, but the Dodgers hung on to win, 10-3, with rookie Brent Leach (the Dodgers’ bizarro Joe Beimel) getting the final three outs.

May 5, 2009 - Dodgers 3, Diamondbacks 1
It's all coming up roses for Dodgers

Orlando Hudson is turning out to be quite a bargain for the Dodgers. Not only is he batting .333, but apparently he’s a right fielder, too—or at least he thinks he is. Trying to impress his former team on Tuesday, Hudson was all over the field—with mixed results. He made two great catches (one in the heart of right field) to save runs, and then lost his friggin’ mind in the fifth when he decided to fight Andre Ethier for a fly ball that was closer to the warning track than the infield. Hudson and Ethier collided, the ball dropped, and the official scorer blamed Ethier for not telling the Dodgers’ second baseman to fuck off.

Despite the error and only five hits as a team, however, the Dodgers continued their magic, topping Arizona for their 12th straight victory at home this season. That sets the National League record for best start at home and ties the Major League record set ninety-eight years ago by the Detroit Tigers.

The win goes to Jeff Weaver, who was running on fumes by the time he made it through the fifth inning. It’s Weaver’s first win since September 2007, and the first win in Dodgers’ history going to a guy with legs skinnier than a Dodger Dog. Joe Torre tempted fate by using four relievers, but the Dodgers can’t seem to do wrong these days, so the pen pitched four scoreless innings—which included Jonathan Broxton's eighth save. Also on Tuesday, the toilets throughout the stadium cleaned themselves, Cory Wade saved a kitty from a tree, and all of the traffic lights in the city were synchronized to get Dodger fans home in six minutes.

May 3, 2009 - Dodgers 7, Padres 3
Dodgers loving their homework

When your big inning starts with two-out singles from Brad Ausmus, Juan Castro, and Chad Billingsley, you know you’re living a charmed life. The Dodgers certainly are, as they completed a four-game sweep of the Padres on Sunday while resting Manny Ramirez, Rafael Furcal, Casey Blake, and Russell Martin (although let’s be honest, Blake and Martin aren’t exactly key ingredients these days). The Dodgers’ win gives them an 18-8 record and sets the franchise mark for most consecutive wins at home to start a season—breaking the mark set by the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1946 (when Brad Ausmus was just a teenager).

The Dodgers got on the board early, scoring three runs before the Padres recorded an out. Chad Billingsley kept the Padres quiet, working out of a jam in the sixth inning, and ended the day with eight strikeouts and four walks over seven innings. The Dodgers erupted for four more runs in the sixth inning, although Will Ohman immediately tried to give them back. After giving up a home run and sharp single, Ohman was pulled, and Ramon Troncoso got the final six outs.

Before you wet your panties with excitement over the Dodgers’ streak, though, consider for a minute who they’ve been playing at home: the Giants (12-11), Rockies (9-14), and Padres (11-14). That’s not exactly the cream of the crop. Orlando Hudson understands the streak: "It couldn't have happened to me in Toronto because we had to face Boston and New York so much, and I don't think we did it in Arizona because we had to face the Dodgers a lot." In other words, the Dodgers’ competition sucks right now, and they’re doing what a good team is supposed to do: beat bad teams. Sure, it’s fun, but don’t go buying your $175 Mark Loretta jersey quite yet.

May 1, 2009 - Dodgers 1, Padres 0
Nothing quite like a walk-off appeal

Harkening back to an era when there was such a thing as a pitchers’ duel, the Dodgers and Padres took a scoreless tie into the ninth inning on Friday night. Forgive me if it felt like the early 1980’s. Jake Peavy allowed the Dodgers just two hits and a walk over eight innings, and Clayton Kershaw matched the Padres’ ace, allowing just four hits over seven innings. Ronald Belisario, Will Ohman, and Jonathan Broxton combined to pitch a scoreless eighth and ninth, and the Dodgers stepped to the plate in the bottom of the ninth against our old pal with the dirtiest name in baseball, Duaner Sanchez.

Rafael Furcal led off with a base hit and was immediately erased at second on a lousy bunt by Orlando Hudson. Hudson ended up at second on a wild pitch, and Sanchez intentionally walked Manny. After James Loney struck out, Matt Kemp walked to load the bases. That brought up Russell Martin, rapidly becoming a has-been. Martin worked the count 2-2, then hit a little bouncer up the third base line that looked like it would stay fair for a game-winning nubber, but veered foul a couple inches shy of the bag. Larry Bowa kicked the ball off the field in disgust, and .198 Russell Martin returned to the batter’s box probably thinking that his only shot as heroism had gone astray. Lucky for him, though, Duaner Sanchez was still on the mound, and Duaner Sanchez couldn’t exactly find the plate. The count went full, and with 47,000 fans on their feet, Martin checked his swing on a pitch high and outside—or did he? Did they win, or didn’t they? Nothing more dramatic than having to look over to the first base umpire for a decision on Henry Blanco’s appeal. No swing, motioned first base umpire Tim Timmons, and just like that, the Dodgers had won.

Nobody seemed exactly sure how much to celebrate a walk-off appeal to first, but the Dodgers half-heartedly piled on Martin and fans sang along with Randy Newman. As the mini-celebration died down, I was amazed to see that almost all of the crowd had stayed until the final play. Cool, I thought, Dodger fans actually appreciate a good pitchers’ duel. Then I realized: it was Fireworks Night.

April 30, 2009 - Dodgers 8, Padres 5
Jeff Weaver's new best friend

With Dodger pitching shaky and practically an entire team of retirees (er… veterans) at Triple-A, it was just a matter of time before Joe Torre and Ned Colletti tapped Albuquerque for help. They did on Thursday, and Jeff Weaver suddenly appeared. Before he even had time to practice his major league scowl, Weaver was taking the mound for the Dodgers—picking up in the second inning where James McDonald left off. Weaver literally picked up where McDonald left off, walking David Eckstein on four pitches to resume a major league career that was derailed two years ago. The walk loaded the bases for Jody Gerut, who lined one into deep left center—where Matt Kemp flagged it down. Kemp’s catch—one of four big ones on the night—kept the Dodgers within two, and a half inning later, back-to-back homers from Orlando Hudson and Manny Ramirez gave the Dodgers a lead.

Weaver ended up going four scoreless innings—a huge lift for a depleted pen—only to watch Will Ohman hand the Padres two runs in the seventh. The Dodgers immediately fought back, though, using three singles and a Padres’ error to regain the lead. Adding two more in the bottom of the eighth, the Dodgers came away with an 8-3 win.

Now the questions turn to James McDonald. Do the Dodgers keep waiting for him to throw strikes? Can he return to the pen and be successful? Do they replace him with Weaver? Have you ever been in a Turkish prison? Here are the answers, in no particular order: Yes, yes, no, and yes.

April 28, 2009 - Dodgers 5, Giants 3
Dodgers' bailout plan: a ninth-inning rally

Who was the happiest guy in the ballpark Tuesday night when the Dodgers rallied to break a 3-3 tie in the top of the ninth? Hopefully Joe Torre, who royally screwed up minutes earlier. With the Dodgers up 3-2 going into the bottom of the eighth, Torre sent Chad Billingsley back out to the mound. Billingsley had a rough time earlier in the game, but had settled down to strike out eight. With strikeouts, though, comes a fairy high pitch count, and Billingsley was at 100. No matter, decides Torre, it’s Billingsley’s game. Fine, I can respect that, but in a one-run game you’d better be ready to pull that son-of-a-bitch the second he looks cooked. Almost immediately, Billingsley looked cooked. He started Pablo Sandoval with two balls, then gave up a sharp single to right-center. With the bullpen ready, Torre sits tight. Billingsley got behind in the count to the next batter as well, but Torre sits tight. Only after Billingsley walked Aaron Rowand does Torre go to the mound—turning to the overworked Jonathan Broxton not just for five outs, but to get out of a tough situation. Broxton can’t do it, and—amidst Beat LA chants and douchebags with orange face paint—the game is tied.

Doubles by Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier (another great Ethier at-bat) gave the Dodgers the lead again in the top of the ninth, and a triple from Matt Kemp tacked on an insurance run. Will Ohman pitched a 1-2-3 ninth for the save, and Broxton came away with the win (to go with his blown save). With nine hits, nine walks, and two San Francisco errors, the Dodgers really should have put the game away long before the ninth inning, but Torre isn’t complaining. I am, though—he manages his pitching staff like they’re a crew of Caltrans workers who pick up trash on the side of the freeway. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but if you see a guy on the side of the 405 who resembles Ronald Belisario, it’s probably Ronald Belisario.

April 26, 2009 - Rockies 9 , Dodgers 4
Rockies beat the bejesus out of Kershaw

A week ago, Joe Torre rested a third of his regulars, although no one would have known from the final score: Dodgers 9, Rockies 5. Trying for a sweep of the Rockies on Sunday, a cocky Torre tried the B lineup again. Not so good. Juan Castro, in for Rafael Furcal, went 0-for-4. Blake DeWitt, in for Casey Blake, went 0-for-4. Juan Pierre, in for Manny Ramirez, went 0-for-4. (Ok, fine, Pierre actually had two hits, but 0-for-4 sounds better.)

The Dodgers’ biggest problem wasn’t their offense, though—it was Clayton Kershaw. True, he wasn’t exactly throwing in a pitcher-friendly ballpark, but there isn’t a stadium in baseball that would have made him look good on Sunday. Kershaw lasted only four and two-thirds, giving up nine runs on eight hits. The big blow came in the fifth inning after Kershaw turned things over to Scott Elbert with the bases loaded and two outs. Jeff Baker—hitting a steamy .105—drove one to center, where Matt Kemp was chilling. By the time Kemp realized it wasn’t just a little pop fly, it was too late, and the Rockies were up by nine. Even with Juan Castro in the lineup, the deficit proved insurmountable for the Dodgers. Oh well, at least they’ve yet to contract the swine flu.

April 22, 2009 - Astros 5, Dodgers 4
The road to Albuquerque is paved with good intentions (and bad intentional walks)

If you hit three home runs in an inning off Roy Oswalt, you’d better find a goddamn way to win the game. The Dodgers didn’t, losing to Houston on Wednesday night, 6-5. Manny Ramirez, Andre Ethier, and Casey Blake each homered in the sixth inning—giving the Dodgers a 4-2 lead against one of the better pitchers in the league. It must have really inspired Randy Wolf, who immediately walked the first hitter in the bottom of the inning. Three batters later, the game was tied. James Loney gave the Dodgers a 5-4 lead with an RBI double in the top of the eighth… which leads to Ronald Belisario.

Ronald Belisario, of course, rose from obscurity this spring and made the Dodger roster. Any time he wants to return to obscurity, I’d be more than happy to help him find his way. Belisario entered the series with a 1.06 ERA, which I suppose is pretty good, except for the fact that I hate him. I don’t trust him, I don’t like watching him, and I don’t think he belongs in a Dodger uniform. He gave up a run on Tuesday night, and then Wednesday… Jesus Christ. (By the way, Microsoft Word just capitalized that automatically—believe me I wouldn’t have done it on my own). Anyway, after getting Miguel Tejada to line out to start the eighth, Belisario have up a bomb to Fatty Berkman, trying the game at five. Hunter Pence then doubled, so to set up the force play, the Dodgers decided to issue an intentional walk to pinch-hitter Geoff Blum. Simple enough. Or is it? Apparently afraid that Blum would reach out and hit the ball with his twelve-foot arms, Belisario sailed the second pitch off the outstretched glove of Russell Martin and to the backstop. Pence moved up to third and—after finally completing the walk to Blum—Belisario surrendered a run-scoring single to Ivan Rodriguez. At least he made a valiant attempt to field the ball. Oh, wait, that’s right—he made no attempt to field the ball.

So let’s summarize:

1. Ronald Belisario gave up a game-tying homer.
2. Ronald Belisario then gave up a double.
3. Ronald Belisario then tried to play catch with someone in the stands while issuing an intentional walk.
4. Ronald Belisario then gave up the game-winning single while standing still as the ball rolled up the middle.
5. I don’t like Ronald Belisario.
6. I also don’t like Hunter Pence. He kind of creeps me out. I don’t like his first name, his last name is strange, and he’s oddly thin. And a little spastic.

April 21, 2009 - Astros 8, Dodgers 5
Dodgers homesick, lose in Houston

Tuesday night’s Dodger game was sort of like when your alcoholic brother is clean and sober for a couple months, and you’re really proud of him, and then you show up at his place and find him passed out in the bathtub with an empty bottle of Jack and some dried puke in the corner of his mouth. You’re disappointed, but knew it was just a matter of time. So basically the Dodgers are your brother, the empty bottle of Jack is actually ten guys left on base and shitty pitching, and the puke in the corner of his mouth is the puke all over my shirt from watching James Loney’s at-bat in the ninth inning. The bathtub… I don’t know the symbolism of that. Maybe it represents the object upon which James Loney’s head should be violently slammed for his at-bat in the ninth inning.

On the heels of eight consecutive wins (six at home), the game started out well for the Dodgers. They scored three runs in the first, and with Russ Ortiz on the mound, it looked like win number nine was in the bag. If only the bag didn’t have eight innings left (whatever that means). The Astros immediately got back in the game—and then took over the game—while the Dodgers shut down. They stranded Matt Kemp at third base in the 4th inning, saw Guillermo Mota issue a bases loaded walk in the 6th, and then after getting closer in the seventh, wasted a leadoff hit in the 8th inning.

If there was any doubt that these were the Dodgers you’ve been used to the last few years, I give you the ninth inning. Rafael Furcal reaches base on an error. Orlando Hudson reaches base on a ball deflected off the pitcher’s ankle. Manny Ramirez walks to the plate representing the tying run.  And the son of a bitch flies out. Andre Ethier walks, putting the tying run on base with one out. Ninth inning comeback? No. James Loney and Russell Martin strike out, and the dream of a 159-3 season is dead.

April 18, 2009 - Dodgers 9, Rockies 5
It's a B lineup, but usual suspects power Dodgers win

You wake up in the morning, and you’re excited. You’re going to your first Dodger game of the season. You know the damage is at least $100, once you add in food and parking, but you’re looking forward to seeing the Dodgers’ potent lineup firsthand. You get to Dodger Stadium early, grab a beer, and settle into your seat to hear the lineups announced. Blake DeWitt, starting. Brad Ausmus, starting. Juan Castro, starting. Oh well, you shrug, at least they finally have a guy who belongs in the 8th hole.

Three hours later, though, the Dodgers had knocked off the Rockies, 9-5, and kept their record at home a perfect 5-0. Manny Ramirez put an end to his home run drought, hitting his first and second of the year—and dropping a routine fly ball. Andre Ethier—batting ahead of Manny for the day—hit two homers of his own, driving in four. Even Juan Castro muscled up (at least as much as Juan Castro can), hitting a fly ball to the warning track with the bases loaded in the bottom of the seventh.

Chad Billingsley pitched a good five innings before running into trouble in the sixth and giving up three. The Dodger bullpen—now without Cory Wade, who was placed on the DL Saturday—was typically unconvincing. A day after Jonathan Broxton had to enter in the eighth inning to bail out a struggling Hong-Chih Kuo, a foursome of Dodger relievers somehow managed to get through the final three innings. Guillermo Mota, Will Ohman, Ramon Troncoso, and R Belisario (whose first name totally escapes me right now and I’m not going to waste two seconds of my life looking it up) combined to give up three hits and three walks—and miraculously only two runs.

So the Dodgers are now a healthy 9-3, and can win their eighth in a row on Sunday to equal their longest of last season. If for no other reason than to piss off Jim Tracy (now a bench coach in Colorado), hopefully they sweep.

April 15, 2009 - Dodgers 5, Giants 4
Dodgers overcome crappy pen

When the Dodgers got two hits and three walks in the bottom of the first inning and only scored one, you had to figure it would come back to bite them in the ass. Seven innings later it did—thanks to the Dodgers’ quality bullpen.

Going into the top of the eighth, the Dodgers led 2-1, with the only Giants run coming on a Bengie Molina home run—the only hit Clayton Kershaw allowed. The kid was brilliant, striking out #42 for the Giants thirteen times. Pulled after 105 pitches (understandably at this point in the season), the Dodger bullpen immediately took it in the behind. When Hong-Chih Kuo’s final warmup pitch of the eighth inning sailed to the backstop, you kind of knew which Kuo was on the mound tonight (Kuo Blow, not Kuo Woah). Sure enough, a walk and hit later, Kuo was out and Ronald Bet-Torre’s-Sorry-O took the mound… and Aaron Rowand took him deep to give the Giants a 4-2 lead. Kershaw pitches seven beautiful innings, and in a matter of three batters, the bullpen implodes.

Typically you figure the Dodgers are done after something like that, but then you think, "Wait a second… there’s no Luis Maza in the lineup… there’s no Angel Berroa… hmmm… maybe they’re actually capable." (Don’t get me wrong, personally I didn’t think they were capable, but I figure someone probably did.) Turns out someone was right. The Dodgers tied it in the bottom of the eighth thanks to clutch hitting all around, and then won it in the bottom of the ninth thanks to the uber-dramatic walk-off walk. Sure, not the most exciting way to end, but when you realize it means total embarrassment for the Giants, you gladly take it… and then laugh in the face of the closest San Francisco fan (even if it's a young girl or a senior citizen in a wheelchair).

April 13, 2009 - Dodgers 11, Giants 1
Dodgers ride Hudson's cycle to victory

For Dodger fans who attended Monday's home opener at Dodger Stadium, I have some advice to share: you might as well just kill yourself now, because you're never going to have a better four hours than that.  (Not to be insensitive, but maybe the stabbing in the parking lot after the game was self-inflicted?)

The day started with Dodgers emerging from the stands, a B-2 Bomber overhead, the national anthem sung by Charisse Pempengco (as Vin Scully explains, "A 16-year-old Filipina and what a gift from God she is," eventually clarifying that he was referring to her voice), the release of doves (secretly trained to shit on Jamie McCourt), a ceremonial first pitch from Vinny, and a record-breaking crowd of 57,099.

And the day even got better once the game started. By the sixth inning, Orlando Hudson had done the one thing no Dodger had since 1970: hit for the cycle. It started with an infield single in the first inning, then a third inning solo homer, then a double in the fifth, and finally sliding headfirst into third with a triple in the sixth. Wes Parker, proud owner of the Dodgers' last cycle—a cheap one that needed ten innings—issued a statement after the game congratulating Hudson. "Frankly, Randy Johnson should have fielded that first inning dribbler," said Parker, "so Hudson’s cycle is as cheap as mine." Ok, so that’s not what he said, but you know the dude can’t be happy now that his name will be mentioned as often as Stan Javier’s—which is to say never.

Meanwhile, Dodger fans got to see Chad Billingsley pitch one of the strongest games of his career (7 IP, 11 K, 0 BB, a great bunt) and the offense bust out with sixteen hits—including two Andre Ethier home runs. And the cherry on top: it was a victory over the Giants.

Of course, everything got brought down a notch when the Dodgers reluctantly announced after the game that someone had been stabbed in the lot. Sadly, it offered a reminder to the 57,099 fans (or at least 57,098 of the classiest ones): the game may have felt like Heaven, but we’re still in L.A.

April 12, 2009 - Dodgers 3, Diamondbacks 1
Bob Schaefer is old (and a baseball genius)

Every so often something happens on the baseball field that surprises even Vin Scully, and we’re reminded of the beauty of baseball. We’re also reminded that baseball is a strange game with often bizarre rules.

With runners on second and third and one out in the second inning on Sunday, Randy Wolf lined one back to Danny Haren, who caught it on the fly. Haren fired back to second base to double up Juan Pierre—but second baseman Felipe Lopez crossed over the base to tag Pierre. In the time it took him to do that, Andre Ethier—running from third base on contact—had crossed home plate. With the double play ending the inning, the Diamondbacks left the field—and no one in the stadium paid much attention to Ethier. That is, except Dodgers bench coach Bob Schaefer, who must study the rule book like Rainman. Schaefer quickly schooled Joe Torre, and Torre sold the umpire crew. The run counted, it was ultimately ruled, despite Ethier not tagging up on the line drive. It took me a good half hour to really understand what happened, and even now, I’m not sure I fully do. But I guess the essence of it is this: Ethier scored before the last out of the inning was recorded, and even though he didn’t tag up, the Diamondbacks failed to appeal Ethier leaving third early before they left the playing field—and apparently a team can’t retroactively appeal a play. I wonder if I can retroactively choose an easier sport to follow.

Here’s something much simpler to understand: Randy Wolf pitched 7+ innings, struck out five, and gave up only two hits and a run. At one point, Wolf retired sixteen straight Arizona batters. Hong-Chih Kuo pitched a scoreless eighth (wiggling out of trouble), and Jonathan Broxton pitched a scoreless ninth (with the help of Matt Kemp’s running catch) to notch his third save. Wolf gets the victory, although we all know it should go to Bob Schaefer (who right now is searching the rulebook to see how a coach can be credited with a win).

April 11, 2009 - Dodgers 11, Diamondbacks 2
Dodgers finally get the runs

Constipated for the first five games of the season, averaging less than four runs a game, the Dodgers let loose on Saturday night, exploding for eleven. Orlando Hudson hit his first home run as a Dodger and knocked in three, Casey Blake awoke with two hits, and even Andre Ethier—looking more like Andre Previn so far this season—had a two-run double.

More importantly, though, Eric Stults took the Dodgers into the sixth inning—giving the bullpen almost two whole hours off. Stults walked two, struck out five, and allowed just one run.

Capping the fun was Juan Pierre, who got to show off his arm on a 9th inning sacrifice fly to short left. If home plate was about twenty feet outside the baseline and about halfway between the backstop and the third base coaching box, Pierre might just have nailed Mark Reynolds.

April 10, 2009 - Diamondbacks 9, Dodgers 4
D'Backs fatten up on McDonald's meat

If this was last season, James McDonald’s two perfect innings on Friday night would have more than satisfied the Dodgers. But this isn’t last season, and McDonald isn’t coming out of the bullpen anymore. Friday marked his first major league start, and it was a start with a quick end. McDonald took the mound in the third inning with a 1-0 lead, and left a few minutes later with the game in pieces. He walked three, hit a batter, and gave up a single and home run. The Dodger bullpen wasn’t much better, giving up four more runs over the final five innings.

The pitching staff ruined what would have otherwise been a great birthday trip home for Andre Eth—oh, wait, that’s right… Ethier ruined it for himself by going 0-for-4 and grounding into a double play. Can we just switch Ethier and Manny in the lineup and forget that these last four days ever happened?

But not to worry: Eric Stults is joining the team. Stults, who excites me about as much as a 250-pound mother of four, will take the spot of Hiroki Kuroda. After experiencing muscle tightness in his ribcage on Wednesday and again Friday, Kuroda was placed on the disabled list. Not good news for the Dodgers, but definitely good news for Kuroda’s interpreter, who gets a two-week vacation.

April 9, 2009 - Padres 4, Dodgers 3
Complete breakdown, take one

After a game like Thursday’s, you can look at the positives (like Ronald Belisario pitching two scoreless innings), or you can look at the negatives (like everything else). Since I just exhausted my discussion of the positives, why don’t we turn to everything else?

Blake DeWitt filled in for Rafael Furcal at shortstop and as the leadoff man. He went 0-for-4. Furcal entered the game as a pinch-hitter in the eighth inning. He made a throwing error in the bottom of the inning. Clayton Kershaw struck out six in five innings. He also walked four. Manny Ramirez was healthy enough to start his fourth straight game. He went 0-for-3 to lower his average to .214. Casey Blake anchored the bottom of the lineup again. He struck out three times. Will Ohman got an out in the top of the eighth. He then gave up a bomb to Adrian Gonzalez. Cory Wade came in to close out the inning with the Dodgers still ahead. He immediately gave up a single, double, and triple (not in that order). Orlando Hudson tripled to lead off the top of the ninth. He then watched helplessly as Russell Martin (who single-handedly left nine guys on base) grounded into a game-ending double-play.

So a couple of quick thoughts before I get sick to my stomach again about Nick Adenhart. First, the supposedly powerful Dodgers’ offense managed just 3.5 runs a game against the supposedly horrendous Padres this week. (That’s an embarrassment.) Second, they’ve started out the season with a lousy record of 2-2. (If I hear anyone on the team say there’s a long way to go in the season, I’m going to scream.) And third, is it possible that Russell Martin peaked at age 24? (Gee, couldn’t have anything to do with the 1,300 games he catches every year.)

April 7, 2009 - Padres 4, Dodgers 2
Despite "baserunning boner," Padres win

I have to admit, I didn’t see any of Tuesday night’s game, and I only heard an inning of it on the radio. What I did hear, though, was friggin’ fantastic. If you were listening to Vin Scully in the second inning, I’m sure you know where I’m going with this. With one out and runners on first and second, San Diego shortstop Luis Rodriguez hit a grounder to Orlando Hudson. As Hudson threw to first to get Rodriguez, Scott Hariston rounded third too far and was nailed after a quick rundown. I’ll let Vinny so eloquently explain: "A baserunning boner by Scott Hariston."

That’s right, folks, Jerry Hariston had a hard-on, and Vinny wasn’t afraid to call it. Ok, fine, so maybe he confused "bonehead" with "blunder"—but what a thrill! Now we get the greatest broadcaster of all time fused with an 83-year-old Harry Caray. Pure entertainment. And let’s be honest—if a guy has an erection on the field, the fans have a right to know.

(For the record, the actual definition of ‘boner’ is a foolish and obvious blunder; stupid mistake… but Vinny knows better than to say that when third graders like us are listening.)  

Regarding the game (as if it matters), the Dodgers blew a lead and lost to San Diego, 4-2. From what I gather, the Dodgers had a golden opportunity in the seventh, but Orlando Hudson (.143) and Manny Ramirez (.143) let two walks go to waste. Randy Wolf’s official return to the Dodgers was unspectacular to say the least, as he went five and a third, walking three and yielding four runs. The good news is that Doug Mientkiewicz struck out again, so at this rate we’ll only have to spell his name for a few more weeks.

April 6, 2009 - Dodgers 4, Padres 1
At long last, Dodgers touch Peavy

The Dodgers’ victory over Jake Peavy to open the season on Monday makes me think of the old expression—Good things come to those who wait. Dodger fans waited for six years, and finally a victory over the Padres’ ace. Of course, it also makes me think of another expression—What in the hell took so long? Sure, Peavy knows how to pitch, but it took six years to score all of four runs off the guy? Maybe the 2009 Dodgers just have the special touch.

The Dodgers started out strong, with Rafael Furcal and Orlando Hudson getting base hits in the first inning. After Manny Ramirez and Andre Ethier each hit lazy fly balls, though, it looked like the Dodgers would start the season with a whimper. A double steal, walk, and a James Loney bases loaded single later, though, the Dodgers were ahead, 2-0. The Dodgers later added two more runs, with three of their four coming with two outs (a good sign, I suppose, if you’re inclined to look for such things.. although they also struck out 11 times). Hiroki Kuroda yielded a run in the first inning, but settled in after that until he hit the wall in the sixth. Cory Wade—making the first appearance of many en route to September arm trouble—bailed out Kuroda and pitched a scoreless seventh. After a shaky inning from Hong-Chih Kuo (which would have been shakier had it not been for a Matt Kemp diving catch), Jonathan Broxton came in throwing BB’s to shut the mighty Padres down—Chase Headley, Drew Macias, and Luis Rodriguez being oh-so-formidable.

I must say, it’s fun to watch a Dodger lineup that doesn’t have any weak links… well, other than Manny, who went 0-for-3 with a strikeout.

April 5, 2009
Cocky Dodgers: "24 is plenty"

God, I wish I could have seen the look on Jeff Weaver’s face when Joe Torre told him Sunday afternoon that he’s headed to Triple-A. Frankly, I don’t care what ultimately happens with the rest of the roster, I’m just glad I don’t have to see that crabby bastard come out of the bullpen. Okay, that’s not true. I mean, it’s true about not wanting to see that crabby bastard come out of the pen. What’s not true is that I don’t care what happens with the rest of the roster. I mean I do care. Jesus, maybe I’ll regain my ability to write a coherent sentence by mid-April… right a