May 15, 2008 - Dodgers 7, Brewers 2
Bennett's blash ruffles Sheets

He may throw the ball back to the mound like a little girl in a sun dress, but Gary Bennett definitely came through with the bat for the Dodgers on Thursday. Giving Russell Martin a day off behind the plate (well, out of necessity, since Blake DeWitt’s back was hurting), Bennett went two for four including a seventh-inning three-run homer. His four RBIs quadruples the total that last year’s backup, Mike Lieberthal, had all season. It also equals the number that Paul Bako had in his illustrious Dodger career.

Bennett’s home run wasn’t the only one for the Dodgers in the seventh inning Thursday. Andruw “Burritos Are Better with Pizza Inside” Jones led off the inning with his second of the year (on a pitch out of the strike zone, of course), and Jeff Kent followed two batters later with his fourth. If you had told me before the game that Jones and Bennett would homer in the same inning, I’d say there was a better chance of Saturn crashing into Jupiter (which, coincidentally, has less gravitational pull than Jones). Sadly, Andruw’s home run probably bought him another month in the starting lineup.

Thursday’s game was scoreless for the first six innings, with Chad Billingsley and Ben Sheets dominant. Billingsley ended up going seven, giving up just an earned run while striking out five. Jonathan Broxton pitched the eighth (his trouble continuing), and Cory Wade pitched a scoreless ninth. On the heels of their ninth-inning comeback win against Guillermo Mota on Wednesday (which I guess is some sort of payback for Eric Gagne’s save a day earlier), Thursday’s victory moves the Dodgers two games above the .500 mark—again. Can’t wait for them to win another four in a row… only to lose another twelve. What a joy rooting for a team of such consistency.

May 15, 2008 - Brewers 5, Dodgers 3
Game over—but losing streak isn't

Would you expect it to unfold any other way? Making his first appearance against his former team—and his first in a save situation since being relieved of duty by Brewers’ manager Ned Yost last weekend—Eric Gagne sent the Dodgers to their fifth straight loss on Tuesday night in Milwaukee. Nice. Gagne sucks balls all year, but decides to pull it together against the Dodgers. He got some help, of course, from Juan Pierre—the cure to blownsaveitis. With two outs and the tying runs on base, Pierre popped up on the first pitch to end it.

Gagne certainly wasn’t sharp, but does it really matter? It’s not like it’s any less painful just because he didn’t strike out the side. The fact remains that this heavily bearded beast of a French Canadian—a guy who saved 162 games for the Dodgers but had a 6.62 ERA this season—just said to Los Angeles, “I’m friggin’ terrible, but I’m still better than you.”

The Dodgers, clearly, are falling apart. Brad Penny looks nothing like an ace, Jeff Kent looks nothing like a cleanup hitter, and Chin-lung Hu looks less like Rafael Furcal than the grape-sized booger I just picked from my nose. Takashi Saito has the flu (as if it mattered), Nomar Garciaparra suffered a setback in his rehab (go figure), and the highest paid player in the history of the Dodgers is sitting on the bench (where he belongs). Tuesday’s loss moved the Dodgers to the zenith of mediocrity: the .500 mark. Thanks for making Dodger fans proud, you bastards.

May 11, 2008 - Astros 8, Dodgers 5
Sunday, bloody Sunday

When Joe Torre went to the mound with two outs in the seventh inning on Sunday to pull Hiroki Kuroda, I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Torre: Happy Mother’s Day, Hiroki.

Kuroda: I’m not a mother.

Torre: Well, you're pitching like a woman.

Kuroda: Excuse me, Mr. Torre, but have you even been watching the game? I’ve only given up one hit.

Torre: Yes, but you’ve made 97 pitches.

Kuroda: I used to make 200 when I was in Japan.

Torre: Well, this is America and we’re all a bunch of pussies.

Kuroda: If you bring in that Scott Proctor guy, I’ll fucking quit.

Torre: How about Joe Beimel?

Kuroda: The drunk who thinks he’s a rock star? Better than proctor, I suppose.

Torre: I’m wearing Yankees underpants.

So out came Kuroda, in came Beimel, and then the fun began. Beimel immediately walked two, including issuing a bases-loaded walk to give the Astros their first run of the day. A few minutes later, Jonathan Broxton opened the floodgates—wait, sorry, those were his giant legs—and the Astros had scored six more. In a matter of an inning, a 2-0 lead turned into a 7-3 deficit. Fans who thought they were being treated to a Mother’s Day no-hitter instead found themselves expressing the day’s sentiment with phrases no mom would be proud of:  Mother of God!, Motherfucker!, and I hope Broxton’s mom gets a goddamn yeast infection!

It was not a good loss for the Dodgers, who have now slipped into a 4-game losing streak and just a game above the .500 mark. Even worse, they blew a huge opportunity to gain ground on the Diamondbacks, who were swept in Chicago. I guess you have to give credit to the Astros starting pitching this weekend: Brian Moehler, John Sampson, and Shawn Chacon. Actually, no you don’t. Those guys suck and the Dodgers should have destroyed them. They should have ripped their limbs off and fed them to people in the right field pavilion. They should have beaten them to a pulp and dropped that pulp in Rick Monday’s orange juice. They should have—okay, you get the point.

Sadly, it only gets worse for the Dodgers. This week in Milwaukee, they face superstars Carlos Villanueva (1-4, 6.46 ERA), Manny Parra (1-2, 5.79 ERA), and Undecided (probably not Nolan Ryan).

May 9, 2008 - Astros 7, Dodgers 1
Bye-bye momentum

Well, that didn’t take too long. After winning ten of eleven and looking like they were ready to make a move on the Diamondbacks, the Dodgers have now lost two in a row, getting outscored 19-2.

Derek Lowe had another rough outing, the latest in a string of lousy performances by Dodger starters. Lowe went 5-1/3 innings, yielding eight hits, two walks, and six runs. He’s now 2-3 with a 4.43 ERA. Glad to see he’s really stepping it up in a contract year. I guess he’s not worried after seeing what his agent (Scott Boras, of course) got for Andruw Jones after a .222 season. Hell, a 5.20 ERA might be worth a 3-year, $39 million deal to Ned Colletti (or a douchebag of similar intelligence).

Lowe, of course, wasn’t the only problem on Friday night. With Rafael Furcal still out of the lineup, the Dodgers mounted a meager offensive attack—actually, more like an offensive tap on the shoulder. That tap came in the form of a 9th inning double from Andruw Jones—after the Dodgers were down 7-0. Thanks, Andruw, big help. Thankfully fans in attendance on Friday night got free beanies that they could use to shield their eyes from the ugliness on the field.

On a bright note, Yhency Brazoban made his return on Friday, giving up a hit and two walks in the eighth inning. Ridden with elbow and shoulder problems, that was just the tenth Major League game Brazoban has pitched in since 2005. I figure he’ll run that number up to at least sixteen or seventeen before going down with a torn spinal cord.

May 6, 2008 - Dodgers 5, Mets 4
It's a walk in the park for DeWitt

Prior to Tuesday night, the last Dodger to hit an inside-the-park home run was Dave Roberts, who can run like the wind. On Tuesday, it was Blake DeWitt’s turn, and he can run like, well, something slower than the wind. DeWitt’s home run (courtesy of Ryan Church, who either thought the ball was gone or forgot where he was for a second) was his second in two days, his third hit of the night, and gave the Dodgers a 5-4 lead over the Mets—and ultimately the win. Gotta love it that with all the talk about Dodger prospects, DeWitt came out of nowhere to prove not only that he’s capable of filling in at third base, but that he’s actually good. At least for now.

You know who’s also pretty good? Andre Ethier. Someone might want to tell Joe Torre, though, since Ethier sat on the bench for the fourth time in five days on Tuesday. Yeah, gotta get Andruw Jones in the lineup so he can strike out looking to end the 8th inning with an insurance run standing on third base. And gotta get Juan Pierre in the game so he can steal his 400th career base and then wander off second and get tagged out.

The game didn’t start out so great for the Dodgers with Hiroki Kuroda giving up eight hits and three walks in just over three innings. Kuroda made 80 pitches, which is a bit of a coincidence since he looks like he’s 80 years old. Torre pulled Kuroda in the 4th and brought in Hong-Chih Kuo, who did a serious job on the Mets. Kuo struck out the first two batters he faced on six pitches, and then struck out another six Mets (without allowing a hit) before Torre turned to Jonathan Broxton to start the eighth. Big Boy gave up a two-out double to Ryan Church but got David Wright looking on three straight pitches to end the inning. Big Boy like steak.

Takashi Saito picked up the save, but can you really call it a save when other guys are saving him? James Loney made a great play for the second out of the inning, robbing Carlos Delgado of a double down the line. Saito then gave up two base hits before striking out Luis Castillo to end it. Shades of Todd Worrell and Jeff Shaw.

May 4, 2008 - Rockies 7, Dodgers 2
Lowe fried early, Dodgers get Cooked

Sunday’s box score may say that Derek Lowe pitched five innings, but he actually pitched nine: five in the first inning and four after that. Making as many pitches (51) as a guy like Greg Maddux makes in about a month, Lowe took about a half hour to get through the first inning. The Rockies didn’t make an out until the seventh batter of the inning, and by then they had scored twice. A sac fly added a third run, but Lowe—looking like he had just run a marathon in Death Valley—finally retired Jon Herrera to end the inning.

Anything can certainly happen in Colorado, but you got the feeling the Dodgers didn’t have it in them to make up the three run deficit—which soon became five and then six. Lowe left after the fifth, having walked four and given up five runs, and Chan Ho Park and Cory Wade took it the rest of the way.

After generously producing runs during their 8-game winning streak, the Dodgers have apparently hit empty, getting just two runs against Aaron Cook. Rafael Furcal and Russell Martin each went 0-for-4, and Chin-lung Hu went hitless in place of Jeff Kent, who apparently isn’t capable of playing more than two consecutive games anymore. Matt Kemp filled in for Andruw Jones in center, and filled in for him at the plate as well, going 1-for-4 and striking out twice. Kemp may have even had some snacks before the game with Jones, because the normally agile kid couldn’t avoid running into a James Loney grounder with nobody out in the 7th inning, putting the breaks to a potential rally. On a brighter note, Mark Sweeney boosted his average to .136 with a pinch hit in the 8th inning. If things keep going this well for Mark, maybe hair will suddenly appear on his head.

May 3, 2008 - Dodgers 12, Rockies 7
Juan-for-Four goes... 3-for-4?

When the Dodgers signed Andruw Jones, things looked pretty bleak for Juan Pierre. Fans had already turned on him, and now management was turning on him as well. Little did Pierre know, however, that the signing of Jones would actually end up helping his cause.

After going 1-for-5 on Saturday, Jones is batting .163 with a whopping four RBIs. Pierre isn’t exactly tearing it up, but his .313 average sure makes his $9 million salary seem like a friggin’ bargain when you consider that Jones is making twice that… and has the belly to prove it (whatever that means). Jones landed hard on that belly in the 9th inning Saturday, trying in vain to make a diving catch in right-center. From the look of pain on his face, a cheeseburger must have become dislodged.

As for Pierre, I guess you’ve got to give him a little credit. He sulked for a couple weeks earlier in the season, but now appears eager to prove that he’s still capable of playing good fundamental baseball. That’s pretty much all he has going for him—playing the fundamentals (unless, of course, you include throwing the ball as one of the fundamentals). He’s seven for his last twelve, he’s getting bunts down, and he’s running. And on Saturday, he may have saved Takashi Saito’s aging ass with a great catch in the 9th inning to rob Todd “I Stole My Goatee From Ken Caminiti’s Corpse” Helton of a 3-run homer.

Garrett Atkins followed Helton’s homer bid with a drive to right that Matt Kemp tracked down at the wall. Saito got Brad Hawpe to ground out to end the game, but there’s no getting around the fact that Saito looks like shit this year. Don’t get me wrong, he’s no Scott Proctor, but he’s also not the same guy who saved 63 games for the Dodgers the last two years. Hopefully he’s just still catching up from an abbreviated spring training, but if not, fans are in for some frightening ninth innings.

Meanwhile, what the hell is Andre Ethier doing on the bench two games in a row? (Glad to see that Gary Bennett is getting playing time, though.) If Torre is so intent on giving Pierre regular starts, do it at the expense of Jones, not Ethier. How much longer can you give Jones to straighten things out? He needs to sit for a week (and by sit, I don’t mean sit and eat chocolate) and work with Mike Easler to figure out a solution. Right now Jones is a goddamn liability in the lineup, and ultimately it's going to cost the Dodgers a game or nine. Also a liability is Esteban Loaiza, who clearly spends more time grooming his facial hair than he spends studying opposing batters. Look, just because a starter is the fifth in the rotation doesn’t mean he has to suck. It’s time to give Chan Ho Park or Hong-Chih Kuo another chance or two, and when they blow chunks, it’s Clayton Kershaw time.

Oh, by the way, the Dodgers scored in double-figures Saturday for the third time in the last four games (thanks in part to James Loney's 6 RBIs), and have suddenly won eight in a row. Thought I'd mention that.

May 2, 2008 - Dodgers 11, Rockies 6
Kemp and Furcal drive Dodger win

On Thursday, Joe Torre had Mark Sweeney batting cleanup. On Friday, Russell Martin started at third base. On Saturday—what, put Jeff Kent in centerfield and bat him leadoff? I've got to say, Joe Torre isn't exactly impressing me with his ability to fill out a lineup card. That said, the Dodgers just won their seventh in a row on Friday night, so who am I to argue success?

While Friday's game wasn't the smoothest for Dodger pitching (five walks, one strikeout), the team continued to produce at the plate. Granted it's Denver, but the Dodgers scored eleven runs on thirteen hits. Matt Kemp and Rafael Furcal each knocked in four runs, and Juan Pierre and Blake DeWitt each scored two runs. (DeWitt immediately gave back the two runs, however, committing errors on back-to-back plays... for once looking a little more like a guy fresh from double-A.)

Speaking of doubles (kind of), Andruw Jones actually had one. He went hitless in his other four at-bats, striking out three times... and raising his average. Note to Ned Colletti: The next time a guy hits .220 over the course of an entire season, take a hint. It may not be a fluke.

April 29, 2008 - Dodgers 7, Marlins 6
Music to their ears: Dodgers balance record

Boy, there's nothing like a crowd of 3,000 people to get Major League teams pumped up. Okay, there were actually 11,000 people in the stands for the Dodgers/Marlins on Monday night, but that's got to include ushers, vendors, and about 5,000 people who are really good at looking invisible.

Speaking of invisible, Andruw Jones is the opposite... but that has nothing to do with anything... well, except the fact that he obviously had chicken AND fish on the flight to the East Coast. Nonetheless, the trip started out well for the Dodgers with a 7-6 win over Florida. Of course, when I say "well," it means overlooking a huge error in the 5th inning by James Loney, overlooking a completely mediocre outing by Derek Lowe (who looks like his face is a little swollen from bee stings or something), overlooking a poor decision by Larry Bowa in the 8th inning to send speedster Blake DeWitt to the plate (where he was out by about 20 feet), and overlooking the sight of Jason Schmidt throwing 50 pitches before the game (because it means he's a step closer to hurting his uterus again).

Despite the mistakes, the Dodgers rallied early and late, with Jeff Kent's 2-out single in the top of the ninth driving in the winning run. Joe Beimel picked up the win and Takashi Saito pitched a 1-2-3 ninth for just his third save. The win puts the Dodgers back at .500, but more importantly, Luis Gonzalez struck out in the eighth inning with the go-ahead run on base.

April 27, 2008 - Dodgers 3, Rockies 2
Dodgers sweep Rocks

Late-arriving fans may have learned their lesson on Saturday night when the Dodgers scored ten runs in the first inning—and just one the rest of the game. We'll never miss the first inning again, you yelled at your wife, who's generally still picking her shoes fifteen minutes before game time. So on Sunday, you made it there by the first pitch. And with two outs, the Dodgers loaded the bases. Wow, I'm so happy we made it on time, you told your wife, sitting next to you, shoeless. Ready for another ten run outbusrt, you watched Andruw Jones step to the plate... and fly out to end the inning.

Despite the scoreless first, the Dodgers went on to beat the Rockies, 3-2, giving them a sweep of the National League Champions—and more importantly, an actual winning streak. Esteban Loaiza pitched five innings of two-run ball, and the Dodger bullpen contributed five scoreless innings. Joe Beimel and Takashi Saito both worked out of jams and rookie Cory Wade threw a solid two innings. An intentional walk of Chin-lung Hu with two outs in the fourth came back to bite the Rockies when Esteban Loaiza singled in Blake Dewitt (who had tripled despite, as some insist, an inability to hit Major League pitching) and Rafael Furcal followed with a bloop hit that scored Hu. The Dodgers won it in the 10th with two walks, a sac bunt (from Matt Kemp?), and a base hit by James Loney.

The Dodgers are now just six games back of the Diamondbacks. If the entire Arizona team gets food poisoning this week, the Dodgers might even be able to cut that lead to five games.

April 25, 2008 - Dodgers 8, Rockies 7
Who's on third? Apparently anyone willing

Russell Martin finally got a break from catching on Friday night... because he had to take off his gear and play third base. Why would a guy who squatted behind the plate for nine innings (and the five years prior to that) have to suddenly play third? Maybe you should ask Ned Colletti and Joe Torre, who apparently didn't see any risk in sending down the team's only backup for a guy who can barely blink without hurting himself. It's like leaving your spare tire at home and deciding to drive through a construction site. Or throwing away all your napkins knowing that you're about to make Sloppy Joes for dinner.

On Thursday, the Dodgers sent third baseman Blake DeWitt to Triple-A, meaning that Nomar Garciaparra would have to play nine innings of every game. He lasted eight. After Takashi Saito surrendered a double to left that put Colorado runners on second and third in a one-run game, Nomar turned to the dugout and summoned trainers. What had Mr. Brittle done? Who the fuck cares, but he's headed back to the DL and DeWitt is headed back to L.A.

Apparently Colletti's grand plan—which was ruined in a matter of hours—involved trusting third base to Nomar for a few days until Juan Castro cleared waviers and became a free agent. Yes, Juan Castro. The same Juan Castro who hit about .050 for the Dodgers in the late 1990's. Speaking of hitting .050, Andruw Jones left Friday's game in the fourth inning with a contusion on his fatty calf muscle.

Oh, the Dodgers won on Friday. It took thirteen innings, a blown save by Saito, three scoreless innings from Chan Ho Park, Gary Bennett's first hit as a Dodger, and a sac fly from third baseman Russell Martin.

April 23, 2008 - Dodgers 8, Diamondbacks 3
Dodger offense wakes up

If the Dodgers could play regularly like they did on Wednesday night, well, they might actually be able to prevent the Diamondbacks from clinching the division in May. The Dodgers knocked out thirteen hits, played flawless defense, and aside from some wildness on the mound, kept Arizona quiet when it mattered.

Derek Lowe pitched five great innings before exiting with a sore elbow, leaving the game in the hands of Chan Ho Park, Joe Beimel, Jonathan Broxton, and Takashi Saito. None of the four looked particularly sharp, which may have had something to do with the game lasting about seven goddamn hours. It sure didn't have anything to do with Andruw Jones' at-bats, most of which lasted a matter of seconds. I must admit that Wednesday's game was the first of the season for me, and seeing Jones in person was even more depressing than watching him flail away on television. Either he's really just some fat man in a Jones uniform, or he hit his head on the bathroom sink sometime early last year and truly forgot how to hit a baseball. Maybe he's going blind. You can tell he's frustrated, but there's no telling by how many strikeouts he might break the all-time record. He added two on Wednesday (along with two pop-ups) before finally getting a base hit in the ninth inning. One-for-five and his average goes up.

Meanwhile, thanks to Joe Torre's odd decision to use Takashi Saito with two outs in the eighth, the Dodger closer got his first major league at-bat in the top of the ninth inning. Apparently Saito hits left-handed—or at least stands at the plate left-handed. Who would've known? From the looks of things (and by things I mean Takashi standing at the plate like a girl), I doubt Takashi himself even had any idea where to stand until the umpire whispered something to him.

April 20, 2008 - Braves 6, Dodgers 1
Cold, dark, and smelly—hey, it's the basement!

A few days ago Andruw Jones was quoted saying something about the season ending in August. The way the Dodgers have been playing, though, I really doubt I can even make it past May. Another few weeks of this shit and I think I’m done—not because they’re terrible (which they certainly are), but because there’s only so many ways to say that they played nine innings and scored just one run. They did it on Friday. They did it on Saturday. And they did it on Sunday. One run. Each day. Three days, three runs. Twenty-seven innings, one hit with runners in scoring position. Nine hours of baseball, nine hundred reasons to wish O’Malley kept the fucking team in Brooklyn.

Sunday’s loss dropped the Dodgers into last place—behind the San Francisco Giants, a team that everyone expects to lose 95% of their games. People may have to adjust that percentage, though, because the Giants play the Dodgers fifteen more times. If the Dodgers can’t score against Braves starters Jeff Bennett, Chuck James, and Jair Jurrjens (who have the combined experience of a salamander), it should be really fun to watch the next time they face Barry Zito, Tim Lincecum, and Matt Cain.

As depressing as the first three weeks of the season have been for Dodger fans, I think it’s safe to say that Joe Torre is taking it harder than anyone. He clearly lost his marbles on Sunday, batting Andruw Jones cleanup. Of the nine spots in the batting order, Jones should be... well... in none of them... but if I had to pick a spot, I’m not so sure fourth would be the place. I mean, I know I’m new to baseball and everything, but I kind of thought the number four hitter should be, uh, good. Not that striking out three times isn’t good, of course. It’s a lot better than striking out four times.

April 18, 2008 - Braves 6, Dodgers 1
Jeff Bennett, future Hall-of-Famer

The Dodgers flew 3,000 miles for that? Errors, poor pitching, a feeble offensive attack, and a collision that almost took out the only Dodger who’s actually hitting. Andruw Jones made his much-anticipated return to Atlanta, and maybe the Dodgers can leave him there. Atlanta fans gave Andruw a loud ovation when he came to bat for the first time, probably because they’re thankful he’s not on the Braves anymore. Confirming their feelings, Andruw struck out—his first of two on the night.

Meanwhile, it was the other Jones who proved his worth. Chipper went 3-for-5 with two home runs and 4 RBIs, essentially ending the Dodgers’ night with his shot off Derek Lowe in the fifth inning. The second inning wasn’t particularly kind to Lowe either, as it included a Jeff Kent error, two infield singles, and a walk to Braves pitcher Jeff Bennett. Apparently Bennett was as intimidating at the plate as he was on the mound. Despite an ERA of four and a half in an illustrious career spanning 70 games that sandwiched two years back in the minors, Bennett held the Dodgers to two hits in five innings. Or maybe I should say the pathetic Dodgers only managed two hits off a guy who even his family won’t remember in a couple years.

You want evidence of how bad the day was for the Dodgers? Juan Pierre knocked in the only run with a pinch single.

April 15, 2008 - Dodgers 11, Pirates 2
Eleven runs, and suddenly everything is peachy?

How quickly everyone forgets.... that the Dodgers are hitting .250 as a team... that the Dodgers are hitting .237 with runners in scoring position... that the Dodgers have already lost eight games—despite playing half against relatively crappy teams... that the Dodgers have strong pitching one day, and give up four in the first inning the next. They score eleven runs on Tuesday against the Pirates, and suddenly all is forgotten? Well, it's not. If you want to bend over and lick your own nuts because you're so excited, go ahead, but I'll pass.

There was, however, some reason to celebrate. First, it was Jackie Robinson Day. (James Loney honored Jackie by getting thrown out at second base—twice.) Second, Jim Tracy isn't in the Pirates dugout anymore. Third, Juan Pierre didn't make an appearance for the second day in a row. Fourth, Esteban Loaiza pitched five scoreless innings (five times the number of scoreless innings he's ever pitched before). And fifth—hold onto your pus-stained socks—Andruw Jones had his first multi-hit game of the season (practically doubling his entire season output in a matter of three innings).

Can't wait for Paul Maholm to no-hit the Dodgers on Thursday.

April 13, 2008 - Padres 1, Dodgers 0
Ninety-five degrees, but Dodgers are ice cold

Serving as yet another reminder that everything Ned Colletti does is wrong, Greg Maddux led the Padres to a 1-0 victory over the Dodgers on Sunday. Maddux, as we all know, would still be a Dodger if Colletti wasn’t mad at Scott Boras after the 2006 season like a 3rd grade girl gets mad at her best friend for sleeping over at someone else’s house. While Maddux was out winning 14 games for the Padres in 2007, Colletti was picking up guys like Jason Schmidt, Randy Wolf, and Esteban Loaiza. Ned, of course, eventually forgave Boras—just in time to blow $36 million on Andruw Jones.

The 42-year-old Maddux limited the Dodgers to just two hits over five innings. Despite balking for the first time in about eight freakish years, Maddux earned the victory—the 349th of his career. It didn’t get any better for the Dodgers after Maddux left the game, as the Dodgers managed just three hits off four Padre relievers (two with ERAs over nine). Juan for Four went, well, 1-for-4, and that’s about as much as you could say for anyone. Andruw Jones and Russell Martin were both hitless (although Martin actually came the closest to an RBI), and Jeff Kent’s average rose to .237. Dodger pitchers, meanwhile, struck out fourteen Padres, which, under other circumstances, might have actually been exciting. It wasn't exciting, though, since it was 110 fucking degrees outside and images of Andruw Jones' giant cheeks were melted into my brain.

April 11, 2008 - Padres 7, Dodgers 5
Peavy cleans up, but Dodgers can't

A week after being at the center of a brown hand controversy after he 2-hit the Dodgers, Jake Peavy wasn't so filthy at Dodger Stadium on Friday night—his hands or his stuff. Any coincidence? He gave up six hits in the first three innings, and nine in total over his six innings. Just one of those days for Peavy? Or a little more difficult to fool guys when your hand isn't lathered from finger tip to palm in pine tar?

Unfortunately, the Dodgers didn't take full advantage of Peavy's weakened state, scoring just three runs off him. Brad Penny, meanwhile, looked more like Brad Havens. Over six innings, Penny yielded ten hits and walked three, lucky to escape with only four runs charged to him. Joe Beimel and Ramon Troncoso (who might want to have his bags packed and ready) picked up where Penny left off, giving up three more runs to the Padres in the late innings.

The Dodgers made a little noise in the sixth, seventh, and ninth, but their rallies fell short (just like the funds I was gathering to fix the Fan Forum). Trevor Hoffman, looking every bit the 40-year-old, granted the Dodgers a huge opportunity in the ninth, giving up two hits and two walks. With the bases loaded and two outs, though, Jeff Kent (also looking every bit the 40-year-old) struck out to end the game and dash the hopes of the few thousand dopes in the stands who actually thought the Dodgers had a chance.

Speaking of chances, and chance that Andruw Jones isn't as friggin' terrible as he looks? I'm saying no. I hate to admit this, but I'm almost to the point where I'd rather see Juan Pierre as the starting centerfielder—which says something about how much faith I have in Jones turning it around. The only thing that Jones turns around these days is a cupcake when he's looking for the side with the most frosting.

April 9, 2008 - Diamondbacks 4, Dodgers 3
Dodgers swept, but Pierre doubles!

Welcome to Dodger baseball, Joe Torre. After eight games, the team is 4-4, the offense is five for their last 39 with runners in scoring position, and the new acquisitions have pretty much flopped. While you can't judge a team in a week, I think it's safe to say that there won't be a shortage of things to write about this season.

The Dodgers were fortunate enough to miss Brandon Webb this week, and still got swept in Arizona. They were crushed on Monday and Tuesday, and topped by a more respectable one-run margin on Wednesday afternoon. James Loney committed a big error, Hiroki Kuroda wasn't particularly effective, and the hitters did no hitting (especially when there were runners in scoring position). Russell Martin, Andruw Jones, and Juan Pierre are barely hitting .300—if you add all their averages together. Andruw Jones got the day off on Wednesday, at least until he was called on to pinch-hit late in the game. He managed an infield single, which I think doubles his hit total for the season. Speaking of doubling, Juan Pierre did just that in his fight to regain a spot in the outfield. Add a single to that, and he was an incredible 2-for-3. Sell high, Ned.

April 7, 2008 - Diamondbacks 9, Dodgers 3
The Three Musketears

What a model of consistency the Dodgers aren't. Since the second game of the season, they've alternated wins and losses, looking solid one day and helpless the next. Monday was a helpless day, from the pitching to the offense to, well, the look on Joe Torre's face. For the second time in three days a Dodger starter got bombed for four runs in the first inning, and for the second time in three days it was more than enough since it looked like the Dodgers were swinging perforated pipe at home plate.

While you can overlook Brad Penny's first inning on Saturday, it's a little harder to let Esteban Loaiza's appearance on Monday pass without worrying if it's going to become a regular occurence. Last year it sure was, so there's really no reason to expect him to suddenly regain his form of... of... uh, well actually he's never been that great. And now he's old. So you've got a mediocre pitcher getting old. Not real promising. Neither, of course, were the appearances of Chan Ho Park and Scott Proctor on Monday. Park gave up three hits, including a home run, in an inning and two-thirds, and Proctor got crushed for four runs in just an inning—with two of Proctor's first four pitches leaving the yard.

Aside from a Jeff Kent home run and Diamondback error, the Dodger bats looked as flat as a 9-year-old girl. In fact, maybe Joe Torre will give the 9-year-old girl a chance to start in left, since he always seems more than willing to put Juan Pierre out there. What the hell? How long are you going to punish Matt Kemp for having three lousy games? The rest of the fucking season? And how long are you going to punish Dodger fans (and yourself) by putting Pierre in the lineup? Pierre is now batting .067, although he did hit the ball hard twice on Monday. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

April 6, 2008 - Dodgers 3, Padres 2
Who done it? Hu done it.

First of all, spare me the emails. I promise this is the only bad Hu/Who joke I'll make this year. I just had to get it out of my system. I'm all better now.

The Dodgers are better, too, having just taken two of three from the Padres in San Diego. Since 2001, the Dodgers are 29-36 in San Diego (well, 31-37 now), and there's something about Padres fans that makes the 37 feel like eight-seven. I don't know exactly what it is. Maybe it's the fact that they love Khalil Greene even though he's obviously an anti-semite. Maybe it's the fact that they love Khalil Greene because he's an anti-semite. Maybe he's not an anti-semite at all, but how many blond guys can a team have? Come on, it's a little frightening.

As for Sunday's game, Chin-lung Hu—starting in place of Jeff Kent, who suffered a pre-game rash from his Depends—emerged the unlikely hero. Hu caught Brian Giles rounding third base in the third inning, and then came through big in the ninth with a game-winning RBI single off Trevor Hoffman (who's pitching more like Glenn Hoffman of late). Takashi Saito pitched a perfect ninth for his first save of the season, and the Dodgers improved to 4-2. All with Juan Pierre in the leadoff spot. Joe Torre benched Matt Kemp for the second day in a row, giving Pierre an opportunity to prove he belongs in the starting lineup. Thankfully Pierre took the opportunity and flushed it down the toilet, going 0-for-4. Also going 0-for-4 was Andruw Jones, who struck out three times and pretty much looks fat and shitty—just like he did last year. Unfortunately for Torre, he can only bench so many guys.

April 4, 2008 - Dodgers 7, Padres 1
Kuroda silences Padres

It's a little early to get excited about Hiroki Kuroda considering the direction Kaz Ishii's career went after his successful debut in 2002, but the newest Dodger starter picked up his first Major League win on Friday night. Making just 77 pitches over seven innings, Kuroda gave up just three hits without walking a Padres batter. He may want to work on his bunting technique (or at the very least, the way he holds the bat like it's the handle bar of a bike), but clearly he's got the pitching thing down. In fact, all of the Dodgers seem to have the pitching thing down—at least over the first four games. The staff has given up just five runs so far this season, and that even counts Esteban Loaiza. Between Loaiza and Chan Ho Park, though, you've got to figure it's just a matter of time before the opposition fattens up. Or if not the opposition, then Andruw Jones, who looks pudgier by the day.

Meanwhile, Blake DeWitt continues to impress. Well, he's impressing me—although maybe not the Dodgers, since it appears they're still hot for Wes Helms. Put on waviers by the Phillies a couple days ago, Helms is expected to be released in about a week. If that happens, look for Colletti to pick him up as a cheap alternative to a rookie who's actually proving he might be able to handle the job. DeWitt has reached base in nine of his first sixteen at-bats and has played smoothly at third. But how can you turn down Wes Helms? He's a career .265 hitter with little power, no speed, and a first name that looks funny if you stare at it for a really long time.

March 31, 2008 - Dodgers 5, Giants 0
One game closer to breaking your heart in September

Well, one game down and the Dodgers are off to their best April ever. Too bad it's only March. And too bad they won't play against the Giants every game. Marking the beginning of the Joe Torre era with a convincing win, the Dodgers beat San Francisco on Monday afternoon, 5-0—an apropos score to kick off their 50th Anniversary in Los Angeles.

10:32 am - Juan Pierre hits the snooze button on his alarm clock because, really, who gives a shit?

The afternoon began with the Dodgers honoring dozens of former players who've made an impact over the last 50 years. Carl Erskine, Sandy Koufax, Duke Snider, Steve Garvey, Fernando Valenzuela... and Matt Luke? Holy Christ, were Robinson Checo and Jack Fimple not available? Luke must have offered the McCourts half his commission on their next house. (See mattluke.com.)

12:04 am - Juan Pierre walks into the clubhouse, finds he's now sharing a locker with the bat boy.

Punishing the folks still in line getting a $13 dollar Canter's turkey sandwich, the Dodgers got an early start with the bats. Before the right field pavilion bathrooms were even full of diarrhea, the Dodgers had put three runs on the board in the first inning, thanks in part to Jeff Kent's two-run homer.

1:33 pm - Juan Pierre runs out to take the field. The kid getting an autograph from Furcal tells Pierre to get back in the dugout before he gets hurt.

The Dodgers later added two more runs, with James Loney, Rafael Furcal, and Blake DeWitt each reaching base three times. Well, it said DeWitt on the back of the uniform, but look close next time you see him. That's Andy La Roche. No doubt in my mind. And speaking of look-alikes, is bench coach Bob Schaeffer not Grady Little's smarter brother? Five times I thought it was Little and kept having to find Torre to make sure I hadn't just been dreaming the last four months.

3:06 pm - Aaron Rowand lifts a fly ball to Andre Ethier in left. With the ball in the air, Juan Pierre quietly stabs his Ethier voodoo doll in the crotch with a pencil.

Monday's game, of course, wasn't just won with the Dodgers' five runs. Brad Penny, making his first Opening Day start for the team, went 6-2/3 innings, giving up four hits and striking out three. He pitched behind in the count most of the day, but you can't argue a six-inning shutout.

4:10 pm - Juan Pierre stands up to go shake his teammates hands but suddenly realizes both legs are asleep.

As a Dodger fan, you have to be happy with what you saw on Monday. Might have been better, however, if the Dodgers were actually playing the San Francisco Giants. They were playing the Giants, you say. Well, yeah, the Giants of 2008—just not the Giants of the last hundred years. Ever since the invention of electricity, the Giants have had giants—guys great enough to hate. From Mel Ott to Willie Mays to Juan Marichal to Will Clark to Matt Williams to Barry Bonds, there's always been someone to fuel the rivalry. But now who? Randy Winn? Sure, Rich Aurilia and Ray Durham have been in black and orange awhile, but they're not exactly guys who are going to bring the lunatics in the left field pavilion to their feet in a chorus of boos and obscenities. The Dodgers should stick a blow-up doll of Bonds in left field just so the guys in the pavilion don't get bored.

4:43 pm - His consecutive game streak over, Juan Pierre walks out to the parking lot, smokes a joint, and rips off Joe Torre's car—proving to no one in particular that he can still get a hit and steal.

March 30, 2008
An unjuanted man

Joe Torre has officially passed his first major test as manager of the Dodgers. Even if he does nothing else right the rest of the season, fans should at least be thankful for one thing on the eve of Opening Day: Andre Ethier is the Dodgers' starting left fielder. At least for now. And for now is good enough for me.

Torre's choice, of course, means that Juan Pierre—with four years and about $36 million remaining on his contract—will spend less time on the field than the batboy who retrieves beachballs. Good for Torre. I guarantee you that neither Jim Tracy or Grady Little would have the balls to bench someone like Pierre—someone with baseball's longest current consecutive game streak, someone earning the money of a superstar, someone who's been a starter his whole career. Tracy and Little would have fucked around with a platoon, or played musical outfielders with the three spots, making sure that everyone got a bit of a chance but not enough of one to actually prove themselves. Ethier proved himself last year, proved himself in Spring Training, and now gets the chance to prove his manager right. What's wrong, though, is the idea of Pierre coming off the bench in a late-inning situation. Generally, if you're down two runs in the eighth, you're not looking for a ground ball to second base. But what can you do? Right now, it's best for the team, and more importantly, best for me. I might actually even think about replacing the Pierre counter on the site.

As for Juan-for-Four, he's now lost two positions since the end of last season—first, losing center field to a .220 hitter, and now left field to a guy who's been in the majors for barely two seasons. I do feel bad for Pierre, who isn't a bad guy, but he really shouldn't be embarrassed. It's Ned Colletti who should be embarrassed.

"Juan's ability to hit combined with his speed make him a perfect catalyst for our lineup," Colletti said in November of 2006 when he backed up the Brinks truck to Pierre's house. "His work ethic and character are second-to-none, and he knows what it takes to win. He's dedicated to the community and I truly believe the city of Los Angeles is going to love this player." Yeah, what's not to love about a guy who's earning $9 million for each of the next four years but isn't good enough to start?

As far as the rest of the roster goes, third base is still a mystery—with about nineteen hours until the first pitch, as I write this. The Dodgers have yet to say that Blake DeWitt is the starter, which means that Colletti is busy trying to fuck up the team before tomorrow afternoon. Marcus Giles is the latest name mentioned, which is a little curious since, well, he's not a goddamn third baseman. Here's my advice to Ned: Get off the phones, go get some sleep, and let Torre ink DeWitt in the lineup. If DeWitt completely bombs, then send him back to the minors in a month. Hell, by then Tony Abreu and Andy La Roche might be ready. Why pick up some other team's unwanted trash? You think fans are going to flock to the stadium to see Joe Crede?

Whatever the Dodgers do or don't do with the roster tonight, they ended the exhibition season on Sunday by setting the bar far too high for their own good. Three Dodger pitchers combined to one-hit the Red Sox in an 8-0 victory over last year's World Champions. No, Monday's game won't be a disappointment or anything.

March 29, 2008
Think Cure—just don't think win

I'm not exactly sure what I found most ridiculous at the Coliseum on Saturday night. Was it the left field foul pole 201 feet from home plate? Juan Pierre as the designated hitter? The fact that Joe Thurston is still trying to make it in the majors? Or the line of 30,000 people waiting for a shuttle after the game? Most surprising, perhaps, was that Esteban Loaiza only gave up two home runs.

The game, of course, raised a ton of money for cancer research and served to kick off the Dodgers' 50th anniversary celebration. Over 115,000 people strong, the crowd was just slightly larger than the crowd that turned out to see Elmer Dessens make his Dodger debut in 2005. With only a few scattered fights in the stands, the fight-to-douchebag ratio was surprisingly low.

Speaking of douchebags, how about the Dodger offense for the first six innings? With the left field wall within spitting distance, the Dodgers managed only a run on an Andre Ethier sacrifice fly. Finally in the seventh—with many fans leaving, and some still arriving— James Loney popped one over the screen in left, and Blake DeWitt followed two innings later with a shot of his own. It wasn't enough, though, as the Dodgers fell to Boston, 7-4.

While still only an exhibition game, a few things were likely revealed on Saturday night about the Dodger lineup come Monday. First, Juan Pierre is going to start the season as the most expensive pinch-runner in baseball history. Second, Blake DeWitt is going to get the chance of a lifetime. And third, Jeff Kent is going to be in the lineup despite being a complete goddamn liability on the bases.

I'll end with this request: Will someone please tell Frank McCourt that he doesn't have to yell into the microphone. See, that's the genius of a microphone. Combined with speakers, it makes things louder.

March 27, 2008
Excitement at its peak

After a spring that saw the Dodgers play games in Florida, China, and Arizona, the Dodgers (and Brian Falkenborg) are finally back in Southern California. On Thursday night, the Dodgers were on the field for an abbreviated Freeway Series (or Freeway Game, I guess) in Anaheim, playing the Angels to a dramatic 2-2 tie. The way things have gone for the Dodgers this spring, a tie is as good as a win. Some quick observations from Thursday's thrilling game:

• Matt Kemp has never seen a fastball above his shoulders that he didn't like.

• Andruw Jones is actually fatter than he was at the beginning of Spring Training.

• One game with Angels announcers is one game too many.

• If Andre Ethier isn't in the starting lineup on Monday against the Giants, I'm letting rats loose in Joe Torre's office. On Thursday, Ethier threw out a runner at second and the go-ahead run at home. Juan Pierre? Popped to left with the bases loaded in the 9th inning.

• Angel fans must be clamoring for tickets to the April 7th game in Anaheim so they can get their free Garrett Anderson 12-game RBI commemorative wall clock.

• Ned Colletti is going to panic this weekend and make a deal for a 36-year-old third baseman who won't be with the team come July.

Now, the Red Sox come to town. Plug your nose so you don't have to smell J.D. Drew's vagina.

March 22, 2008
This just in: Kent is old

Assuming that Ned Colletti doesn't panic and trade for Mark Loretta or Joe Crede, in a little more than a week the Dodgers figure to field one of their youngest teams ever on Opening Day. For that, we can thank Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Schmidt, and now, perhaps, Jeff Kent. Out since March 4th because of a strained hamstring, Kent may not be ready by the time the Dodgers face San Francisco next Monday. If that's the case, fine by me. The more holes the Dodgers have when the season starts, the more chances that guys like Tony Abreu, Blake DeWitt, Delwyn Young, and Chin-lung Hu are going to get to prove they deserve a full-time job. If DeWitt (or anyone else) starts the season with the Dodgers and is tearing it up at third when Nomar comes back, you better damn well bet that the old man will be riding the pine.

Meanwhile, the competition for the last spot in the outfield is over. Andre Ethier has won. Now someone just has to convince Joe Torre of that. So far this spring, Ethier is batting .345 with five home runs. Pierre—upset about the whole situation—is hitting just .200 (and grounded out to end Saturday's game with the tying runs on base). This could be Torre's first test: Does he have the balls to bench a guy who's earning $9 million a year and has already lost his original position to a free-agent aquisition? If he doesn't have the balls to do it, you might as well bring Grady Little back.

On a positive note, the Dodgers are actually giving away something for free—and, believe it or not, it's parking. If you haven't heard, the Dodgers are offering free parking and shuttle service between Dodger Stadium and the Coliseum for next Saturday's game agains the Red Sox. I'm still thinking there's a catch, but haven't quite figured it out yet. Maybe Kim Ng is the shuttle driver. Maybe the McCourts have hired thugs to steal your tires while you're parked in the lot. Maybe there's just one shuttle—and it's actually Charlie Steiner's minivan. I don't know. Anyway, it's not too often that the Dodgers do something nice, so I'd highly suggest taking advantage of this... even if you're not going to the game. Just make sure to reserve your spot by calling (323) 224-1507. Tell them Dodger Blues sent you. And that Scott Proctor nailed your sister.

March 16, 2008
One victory (but lots of meatballs) for Tommy

The last time Tommy Lasorda managed the Dodgers, Mike Blowers and Wayne Kirby were on the team. Back in the manager's seat the last few days while Joe Torre helped introduce baseball to a country not-so-interested, Lasorda might have wished he still had Blowers and Kirby. They couldn't have been any worse than the players who lost five games out of six for Lasorda this week. Thankfully for Tommy, though, his massive belly blocked much of field from view.

As for the team, they're now 7-12 in the preseason, which doesn't mean much... other than the fact that these are the same guys who'll be on the team two weeks from now when the season starts. Well, except for Eric Hull, Matt Riley, Terry Tiffee, Lucas May, Xavier Paul, George Lombard and John-Ford Griffin, who were all optioned to the Dodgers' minor league camp after Sunday's game in China. (And by "minor league camp," the Dodgers mean that they're leaving those guys in China to pursue careers in the fortune cookie industry.)

After Monday's final game in Vero Beach, the U.S. Dodgers will re-connect with the China Dodgers on Tuesday in Arizona, where they'll become one big, dysfunctional family again. Nomar Garciaparra hasn't played in ten days, Jeff Kent hasn't played in the field since March 5th, everyone thinks Tony Abreu is a big pussy, Andre Ethier can't buy his way into the lineup, Yhency Brazoban sucks, Andruw Jones is hitting .212, the team's $47 million pitcher isn't even in the picture, and Chan Ho Park thinks he's God because fifty Koreans wanted his autograph.

March 11, 2008
Haunted by the Boogiemen

Just a few weeks from the start of the Dodgers' season, there’s a lot to talk about. Who'll win the fifth spot in the rotation? Will Clayton Kershaw continue his ascent and surprise everyone by making the team? Will the Dodgers platoon left fielders or leave Andre Ethier sitting on the bench?  Will Takashi Saito be ready for Opening Day?

Despite all these questions, there's a more important one I keep asking myself: Will I ever be able to stop watching the Baseball Boogie video on YouTube? If you’ve seen the video, you probably know what I'm talking about. If you’ve been living in a cave and haven't seen it yet, stop reading this article, cancel all your plans for the next two or three days, get some popcorn, and click here.

The video—which has quickly become an internet sensation (at least in my house)—features the 1986 Dodgers (including current coaches Rick Honeycutt, Ken Howell and Mariano Duncan) singing, dancing, and gallivanting around in baseball pants and satin jackets. Pink, yellow, and bright blue satin jackets, that is. I realize it was 1986, but you can only blame so many things on the 80's. Shoulder pads, fine. Rubiks Cube, fine. But tucking your penis between your legs and prancing around like Boy George? You can't blame that on the 80s. Maybe you could blame it on cocaine, but Steve Howe was gone by then. You could chalk it up to charity, but as far as I know the video didn’t raise a cent for the homeless, the starving, or the little fingerless children in Temple City. As far as I know, this video was made for the pure thrill of boogie.

No one, of course, boogied harder than... Orel Hershiser? Dude apparently led a secret life on the side. Skinny white ballplayer one minute, skinny white dancing machine the next. Either he loved letting loose or someone dropped some mice into his pants right before the taping. The five-minute video sure isn't short on entertainment. Between Orel's jig, Mariano Duncan's "baseball been berry, berry good to me" line, Tom Neidenfuer asking about the batboys, Jerry Reuss looking like the monster in the Matterhorn, and appearances by favorites such as Ed Vande Berg and Franklin Stubbs, my head almost exploded the first time I saw it. And Mayor Tom Bradley making a cameo? What the hell was that? It looked like he thought he was walking into a City Council meeting but chose the wrong door.

Weeks after seeing the video for the first time, I'm still a little bit horrified, a little bit mesmerized, and a little bit intrigued by the thought of what else might be lurking out there, hiding from the world. Will someone eventually post a video of Rick Monday using an American flag to wipe up dog shit on his back patio? Will a former clubhouse attendant come across footage from '93 of Kevin Gross, Cory Snyder, and Jody Reed grooming their moustaches together while Tom Goodwin pops zits in the mirror? Somewhere, someone must have a tape of a 22-year-old Fernando eating guacamole with his fingers.

March 8, 2008
Raggedy Andy tattered again

For about 15 minutes on Friday, Andy LaRoche must have felt like he was on top of the world. His competition for third base—Nomar Garciaparra—had just left the game with an injury, and when Nomar leaves a game with an injury, everyone knows he could be leaving for a long, long time. The starting job at third base, for all LaRoche could have assumed, was suddenly his. That is, until an inning later when a pickoff throw deflected off a Cardinals baserunner and smashed LaRoche's right thumb. LaRoche left the game, had x-rays, and soon after found out that he had torn the ulnar collateral ligament in his thumb. No more hitchhiking, no more giving his quick opinion on movies, and no more baseball—at least for 8 to 10 weeks.

Garciaparra, meanwhile, got a clean bill of health—the x-rays on his wrist coming back negative. More important for him, the pressure is off and he can hit .224 without fear of losing his job. But I'm getting ahead of myself. To hit .224, he'd have to stay healthy long enough for his .375 average to drop to .224. Going hitless, it would take Nomar about 12 more at-bats to drop to .224, or about six lousy games. I know he can have six lousy games, but can his body remain intact for those six games? I don't know where the .224 thing came from, so this whole thing about six games really doesn't mean a fucking thing, but here's my point: Ramon Martinez will be the starting third baseman for the Dodgers on Opening Day.

In other injury news, Takashi Saito is still feeling tightness in his strained calf, and will be relegated to cleaning the floors until he's 100% (after which time he'll clean the floors and the showers). In even more injury news, Jeff Kent was able to hit and play catch two days after straining his hamstring—a strain that isn't as bad as the Dodgers first thought. Kent, however, is not expected to run for about a week. How convenient.

March 4, 2008
Sore calves and swollen ovaries

There could be an asteroid on a direct course for Vero Beach, and if you asked Dodger trainer Stan Conte, he'd tell you there's nothing to be alarmed about. He's gotten pretty good at spouting that line these days, whether he believes it or not. Of course most of the time he's not talking about asteroids, but athletes—or at least guys who claim to be athletes.

As of Tuesday, about half of the Dodger "athletes" have been sidelined by injury. Nothing to be alarmed about, Conte says. Chad Billingsley and Rudy Seanez had tightness in their respective groins. Rafael Furcal had tightness in both hamstrings. Tony Abreu is still recovering from abdominal surgery. Takashi Saito has a sore calf. Jason Schmidt is Jason Schmidt. James Adkins (a minor leaguer who'll be scooping you ice cream at Rite Aid in a couple years) was hit by a pitch and has a sore knee. Hong Chih-Kuo has irritation in the back of his elbow. Later this week we'll hear that James Loney is taking a couple days off to nurse a toothache, Yhency Brazoban has to wear special glasses after looking at the sun for too long, and Jeff Kent's ass hurts from a botched colonoscopy. With all of the ailments bothering various Dodgers, however, none belong to the most likely of cripples: Nomar Garciaparra and Jason Repko.

Meanwhile, all the pomp and circumstance (Jesus, did I just use that phrase?) surrounding the Dodgers final spring in Vero Beach may turn out to be a little premature—actually, a year premature. The Dodgers are in the process of determining whether their new home in Glendale, Arizona will actually be ready by next February. If it isn't, the Dodgers would likely be back in Vero for another year. In typical Frank McCourt fashion, the Dodgers probably won't make a determination until after they leave Florida in two weeks, meaning they'll be saying a half-assed goodbye to Vero Beach without anyone knowing what the hell is going on. Beautiful.