December 4, 2009
For me, it's check-out time

The last time I wrote anything here was in late October, almost a month and a half ago. The Dodgers had just been dismissed by the Phillies and the McCourt’s saga had just publicly begun. The next day it was revealed that Jamie McCourt was having an affair with her driver, soon after Jamie filed paperwork requesting $467,634 a month in spousal support, and a couple weeks after that Frank announced that his personal bank account was down to a measly $167,000. In between, Matt Kemp and Orlando Hudson won Gold Gloves, Vicente Padilla shot himself while "hunting," the prices of some tickets were raised, Manny Ramirez decided not to exercise the escape clause in his contract (surprise), and the Dodgers decided not to offer arbitration to any of their free agents—meaning they get no draft picks should those free agents sign elsewhere.

I didn’t write about any of that because frankly, I just don’t give a shit. The team’s loss to Philadelphia in the NLCS, coupled with the obnoxious and juvenile behavior of the McCourts, has completely sapped me of my interest in the Dodgers. Maybe I just need a break, and maybe I’ll get into it again as Spring Training approaches… or maybe not. I don’t know, something feels different this winter. Maybe it’s knowing that the Dodgers aren’t putting any money into the team, maybe it’s the realization that you can’t believe a goddamn thing coming out of anyone’s mouth in the front office, or maybe I just have other things in my life that are more meaningful—like mopping the floor.

The Dodgers will pretty much be the same team in 2010 that they were in 2009—but with an even more random patchwork of starting pitchers—so it’s not as if they’ll be terrible. Which is exactly the problem. When the season doesn’t start for another four months and the best you can say is, “well, they probably won’t be awful,” that’s pretty fucking depressing. At least in offseasons past you’d have some hope that they’d make a key signing or two that would put them over the top. This year, not only is there no hope of that, but there’s barely any hope that the focus will even be on baseball. The McCourt’s divorce has crippled the organization, and what happens in the courtroom is now more important to those in the front office than what happens on the field. Until the focus is back on the field, I’m not interested.

October 22, 2009 - Frank 1, Jamie 0
And the gloves are off...

After a long season and an emotionally draining October, I was excited to spend a few days away from my keyboard. No such luck. Less than 24 hours after I finished writing about the final nail in the Dodgers’ coffin, I see this news: Jamie McCourt has been fired—by her husband. I swear to God, only the fucking Dodgers.

The firing, of course, is just the beginning. Jamie McCourt isn’t going away. She was the highest ranking woman in baseball, she’s lovey-dovey with the mayor of Los Angeles, and now she has the most important thing: motivation. According to the LA Times, she’s searching for investors in an effort to buy out the old man, and if that doesn’t work, don’t be surprised if she leaks photos of him in compromising positions with Roger the Peanut Man. You know some shit is going to come out, and you know it’s not going to be pretty. The pink slip given to Jamie? Let’s just say it’s probably not the only “pink slip” that’s been exchanged, if you know what I mean.

Then there’s the Dodgers—you know, the team on the field? Frank McCourt insists that the uncertainty of his personal situation isn’t going to affect the team’s direction this offseason, but if you believe that, I have Loge Level tickets to Game 4 of the World Series I’d like to sell you. What’s sad about the timing of all this is that the Dodgers really aren’t missing a whole lot as a team. If they only added a #1 starter this offseason, how much better would they suddenly become? Instead, though, Ned will be bargain hunting and Frank will be hoping someone else gets busted for steroid use so he can save a few million… while he buys another beach house.

October 21, 2009 - Phillies 10, Dodgers 4 (NLCS Game 5)
10-4, over and out

I suppose it’s apropos that in the city known for the Liberty Bell, the Dodgers finally granted their fans independence. Dodger fans are now free to go out to dinner on a Saturday evening, free to get a good night’s sleep, free to actually smile.

If you’re one of those Dodger fans who was hoping the series came back to LA, let me let you in on something: the Dodgers just did you a huge favor. You think watching the Dodgers blow a bases loaded opportunity in the eighth inning of Game Five down by six runs in Philadelphia was hard? Try a one-run game at Dodger Stadium on Friday with thoughts of a Game Seven dancing in your little head. We don’t need that. We don’t need to be strung along any further. (Further or farther? Ah, who gives a F?)

We also definitely don’t need to see any more of Jayson Werth and Shane Victorino. Werth had three hits, including two home runs, and knocked in 4 RBIs. Victornio went 2-for-4, including a home run and 3 RBIs. Dodger pitching was horrendous, giving up eight hits, walking four, and hitting three batters. Vicente Padilla’s run of luck came to an end abruptly in the first inning, and Clayton Kershaw, Hong Chih Kuo, and Ronald Belisario all gave up runs in relief.

The blame, of course, is kindly shared by the offense. Rafael Furcal hit .143 in the NLCS. Casey Blake, .105 with two total bases. Russell Martin and Matt Kemp hit .250, Kemp striking out 8 times. Manny Ramirez had a sorry OBP of .300… although I guess that’s not terrible considering he spent much of the series in the shower.

The Dodgers had the best record in baseball for most of the season, but for the second year in a row a sweep in the NLDS led to just a single victory in the League Championship Series. As far as I’m concerned, that’s failure. The Dodgers can trot out their Division Champion banners or whatever next season, but you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t wet my underpants.

On a personal note, thanks for reading the site this season. I was hoping it would be my last, but the Dodgers didn't want to cooperate. Oh well, at least I can make another $17 in advertising revenue again next year. That should cover the cost of my subscription to the Rick Honeycutt Quarterly.

October 19, 2009 - Phillies 5, Dodgers 4 (NLCS Game 4)
Déjà blue: Broxton melts under pressure

That’s it. I’m pretty sure I’m done. I’ve been a Dodger fan for 34 ½ years, but I don’t think I can take anymore of this shit. I understand that no team out there wins all the time, but there’s got to be a team out there that won’t skull fuck me every season. If the Dodgers want to lose like little pussies, fine, but don’t dangle a nice cold In-N-Out chocolate milkshake in front of me and then spill it over the ground as soon as I reach out for it. I don’t even know what the fuck that means—I'm irate. Here’s what I do know: Jonathan Broxton had better learn how to throw 150 miles an hour because that’s the only way he’s going to get a fastball right down the fucking middle past a major league hitter.

After yesterday’s blowout and a Philadelphia two-run first inning on Monday, I had readily accepted a series defeat. I wasn’t happy about it, but I could handle it. Then a terrible thing happened: the Dodgers took a 4-2 lead. Soon, that became a one-run lead, and then came three nail-biting innings—along with a bizarre strike zone. When Jonathan Broxton walked Matt Stairs on four pitches in the ninth, though, I should have just turned off the TV. Or just smashed it with a goddamn crow bar. I’d much rather have been pulling shards of glass out of my bloody neck than watching what was about to unfold on the field. A hit batter, a bloop out, and then Jimmy Rollins. Within seconds, the game went from being a nail-biter to me wanting to bite off my finger, feed it to a lion, and then find a way to give myself mercury poisoning. I want to cry. I want to throw up. I want a goddamn lap dance. I want something to make the pain go away. I want to go camping in the middle of the fucking desert, ignore Game 5, and then return home to a life without baseball, without Matt Stairs, and without Pinkberry.

Let’s face it, the Phillies are a superior team. And the Dodgers completely failed themselves. What were the Dodgers’ strengths during the season? Their offense and relief pitching. What failed them in the series? Their offense and relief pitching. Well, and their starting pitching, too, with the exception of Vicente Padilla (who should just be pitching all nine innings of every game). Frankly, I'm not too hot on Joe Torre right now either. Against the potent Phillies' lineup, you leave Randy Wolf in the game to bat for himself with runners in scoring position and two outs in the top of the 6th?

Seriously, though, how in the name of Broxton's fastball is it friggin’ possible for the Dodgers to lose Game 4 of the NLCS two consecutive years in almost the same way with almost the same cast of characters with the same series scenario? Well, I’m not falling for this shit again. I’m not a young boy anymore. This isn’t good for my health. It’s not good for the health of everyone around me. It’s not good for the dude across the street whose windshield I just smashed with my penis.

Is it really too much to ask to have a good thing happen to the Dodgers occasionally? I mean, the people of L.A. turn out in record numbers to watch the team, the stadium is beautiful, the payroll is pretty plump. Why not the Dodgers?

I don't know the answer to that.... but I'm done. Until Wednesday. And then I'm really done. Until spring. (What, am I going to miss Vinny's last season?)

October 18, 2009 - Phillies 11, Dodgers 0 (NLCS Game 3)
Dodgers get their Phil—anally

Well, not sure what there is to say about that one. Hiroki Kuroda didn't make it out of the second inning, Cliff Lee gave up just three hits, and the Phillies humiliated the Dodgers, 11-0. Chad Billingsley and Ronald Belisario each gave up runs in relief, but by that time it didn't matter. The damage was done long before Chip Caray could make love on the air to Carlos Ruiz. Kuroda, making his first appearance in 20 days, wasn't sharp. (Gee, go figure.) After retiring Jimmy Rollins to start the first inning, Kuroda gave up two singles, a triple, and a home run. In the second inning, Kuroda gave up two doubles before being pulled.

Were it not for a Philadelphia error on Friday, the Phillies would be going for the series sweep on Monday. The Dodgers have managed just eight hits and two runs over the last two games, and apparently can't win without gifts from their opponent. Maybe the Dodgers can figure out how to hit more balls to Chase Utley.

October 16, 2009 - Dodgers 2, Phillies 1 (NLCS Game 2)
Dodgers get by with a little help from their friends

Just the sight of The Backstreet Boys walking onto the field to sing the national anthem Friday afternoon was enough to make me regurgitate a little bit of my first Dodger Dog. Watching Pedro Martinez for the next seven innings didn’t improve my digestive system. In what seemed like a final “f you” to the Dodgers, Pedro threw seven shutout innings, allowing just two hits and making the Dodgers look foolish. The only action came in the fourth inning when Kobe Bryant joined Frank McCourt and Tommy Lasorda behind home plate. Despite being given a towel, a bottle of water, and a Dodgers cap, Kobe started profusely sweating. No word on whether it was the scorching sun, the importance of the game, or the heat emanating from Tommy’s belly.

As Pedro blanked the Dodgers, Vicente Padilla matched him—aside from a bad pitch to Ryan Howard. Hey, if Padilla can just keep the Dodgers within a run, I said at the time, anything can happen. (I didn’t actually believe myself.) But then it happened.

The Phillies, of course, did the Dodgers three huge favors. The first came in the top of the eighth when Charlie Manuel pinch hit for Pedro Martinez. The second came in the bottom of the eighth when Chan Ho Park and Ryan Howard were unable to reach a bunt from Ronnie Belliard, putting Dodgers on first and second with nobody out. The third favor came out of Chase Utley’s hand and landed against the stands, allowing pinch-runner Juan Pierre to score and Russell Martin to reach first. After a Jim Thome single, a Rafael Furcal walk, about a dozen pitching changes, and a great at-bat by Andre Ethier, the Dodgers were suddenly up 2-1. In came Broxton, down went the top of the Philadelphia lineup, and the series was tied.

Obviously, the Phillies’ mistakes opened the door for the Dodgers, but I suppose you have to give the Dodgers credit for taking advantage of the opportunities. They did it in the ninth inning of NLDS Game 2, they did it yesterday (to no avail), and they did it again Friday. And if I'm giving credit where credit is due, how about Padilla? Dude pitched his ass off. To all those Texas Rangers fans who’ve been rubbing in Andruw Jones’ 17 home runs: How you like them apples? (I actually don't know any Texas Rangers fans, and I'm pretty sure they don't eat apples in Texas, but whatever.) Huge game.

October 15, 2009 - Phillies 8, Dodgers 6 (NLCS Game 1)
Nine innings, four hours, one big mistake

When a nine inning game takes four hours to play, you know it was interesting. Too bad we’re not going for interesting. In a game that saw the Dodgers get fourteen hits and have their best showing against Cole Hamels, there were two failures on the field that certainly contributed to the Phillies’ victory: (1) the failure of the Dodgers’ offense to get the big hit, and (2) the failure of the Dodgers’ pitching staff to keep the game within reach. That was on the field. In the dugout there was another failure—an even bigger one.

We can talk about how the Dodgers left guys on base (ten, to be exact) or about how George Sherrill picked a fine time to have the worst game of his Dodger career (two walks, and then a home run), but the game was lost in the fifth inning when Joe Torre mistook Clayton Kershaw for Sandy Koufax. The Phillies had just scored three runs—on a single, walk, and home run—and then Kershaw lost it. He walked the pitcher Hamels, threw two wild pitches (making it three for the inning—an NLCS record), and walked Chase Utley. Up steps Ryan Howard. And Joe Torre stands still in the dugout. Look, I’m totally on board with starting a 21-year-old who’s coming off a great game, but if you’re going to do that, you had better be ready to pull the kid when he loses it. Torre wasn’t. And Howard doubled in two runs. If you're the manager, there's a lot you can't control. But you can control who pitches and when it's time for them not to pitch anymore. Instead of a 3-1 defecit, it was a 5-1 deficit. That was the game right there.

The Dodgers rallied back in the fifth and in the eighth, but both efforts came up short. In the fifth, the Dodgers made the most of two Philadelphia mistakes—a botched double-play ball and one too many breaking balls to Manny—and in the eighth put together a few hits and a sac fly to score two, but the inning ending on a ground out by Manny.

In between those rallies, the Dodgers loaded the bases in the sixth inning with two outs. And apparently Torre was still out to lunch. As a crippled Jim Thome stood at first with a walk, Torre looked around the dugout as if he had just been told for the first time that Thome can’t run. Finally, with time called, Randy Wolf ran back to the clubhouse to put his spikes on. Holy fucking Christ, man—it’s Game 1 of the friggin’ NLCS, you’ve got an invalid pinch-hitter (who shouldn’t be on the roster, but that’s another conversation), and you never considered telling your potential pinch-runner to, oh, maybe have some goddamn shoes in the dugout? Wow.
 
So the Dodgers leave the stadium with their heads down, while former Dodgers Shane Victorino, Jayson Werth, Chan Ho Park, and Pedro Martinez are partying it up. Ok, maybe not Pedro, who‘s getting his beauty sleep in preparation for his inevitable shutout against the Dodgers on Friday. And maybe not Victorino, who's probably sitting at his locker attacking his Russell Martin voodoo doll. And maybe not Chan Ho, who’s busy growing the thickest beard I’ve ever seen on an Asian. But Werth, definitely partying it up. Terrific.

October 14, 2009
Separation anxiety

As if there wasn’t enough for a Dodger fan to think about on the eve of the NLCS, there was this news late Wednesday night: the McCourts are separating. Want more? How about this: If the Dodgers win the World Series, I’m retiring Dodger Blues.

Ok, one thing at a time. The separation. While it comes as a shock, I guess maybe it shouldn’t be as they haven’t been seen together too often this season. I chalked that up to disagreements over Juan Castro’s playing time, but apparently there’s more to it than that. I think the timing of the announcement is peculiar, but I’m willing to respect their privacy and not speculate about who will live in which Malibu beach house. Like any couple, they have the right to privacy—that is, until their situation starts interfering with the relative stability of the Dodgers organization, and there’s only a matter of time before that happens.

In the more immediate future, another marriage may come to an end—that between DB and me. Eight more victories this postseason and I’m calling it quits. Seriously. I’ve put eight years into the site, given it my all, and if the Dodgers give it their all, I’m more than willing to trade the fruits of my labor for a World Championship. Because Dodger Blues has always been an outlet for my frustration—the Gibson counter documenting the duration of that frustration—I think it would be disingenuous to keep the site alive with the Dodgers on top of the baseball world.

Now that I’ve said that, of course, they’ll probably get swept by the Phillies in four games and I’ll be stuck doing this fucking site for another decade.

October 10, 2009 - Dodgers 5, Cardinals 1 (NLDS Game 3)
We've got Busch!

A week ago, we were all talking about the Dodgers’ collapse—their lack of energy, their failure to hit in the clutch, their inability to clinch the West. Now, we’re talking about a sweep of the Cardinals in the NLDS. Bizarre.

Even more bizarre is the fact that the guy who led them to their Game 3 win was released by another team just two months ago—and had swine flu. Making Ned Colletti look like a genius (obviously a difficult task), Vicente Padilla pitched seven innings, giving up just four hits and a walk. After escaping a bases loaded jam in the first inning, Padilla completely shut down the Cardinals, allowing only a couple of baserunners and keeping the normally high-spirited fans in St. Louis sitting on their freezing cold hands. With a run in the first (driven in by Manny?), two more in the third (another HR from Andre Ethier—one of his three extra base hits), a run in the fourth (on a two-out hit by Rafael Furcal), and one more in the seventh (Manny again, really?), the Dodgers’ five-spot was more than enough for Padilla, George Sherrill, and Jonathan Broxton.

Even already leading the series by two games, winning Game 3 was big for the Dodgers. First, it means they don’t have to see Chris Carpenter or Adam Wainwright again. Second, they don’t have to risk disaster with Chad Billingsley or John Garland. And third, I don’t have to listen to Dick Stockton anymore.
 
It’s no secret the Dodgers haven’t played well against the Cardinals in, oh, about fifteen years, so the sweep should also build their confidence. Only problem is they don’t play again for five days—plenty of time to lose their confidence. It’s also plenty of time for Clayton Kershaw to tear a ligament playing a video game, for Andre Ethier to discover ticks in his hair, or for Mark Loretta to realize that he actually sucks. See you on the 15th.

October 8, 2009 - Dodgers 3, Cardinals 2 (NLDS Game 2)
Holliday season comes early in L.A.

There are two reasons why I’m writing this almost five hours after Game Two ended on Thursday evening. The first reason is that I recorded the game at home and somehow managed to get through the afternoon at work without knowing the score (probably because I threatened the lives of my co-workers). The second reason is that right now, about a half hour after I finished watching the game, I’m still not quite sure I believe what I saw.

Did Matt Holliday really try to catch a game-ending fly ball in the ninth inning with his vagina? Was that James Loney who was actually running it out and ended up on second base? Did Casey Blake manage to shake off a terrible strike call and then foul off about four pitches before eventually walking? Did Ronnie Belliard—who earlier in the game was swinging like a blindfolded kid trying to bust open a piñata—get a base hit to tie the game? Did Russell J. Martin walk on four pitches? And did Mark Loretta—who was 0-for15 against Ryan Franklin—really manage to fist an 0-1 pitch into centerfield to win the goddamn game? Oh, and did I mention that the rally started with two outs, nobody on, and the Cardinals one strike away from heading to St. Louis with the series tied?

Until the Cardinals’ defense broke down in the bottom of the ninth, the game was entirely on the mound. Adam Wainwright didn’t allow a baserunner until Andre Ethier homered in the fourth inning, and Clatyon Kershaw proved that he belongs on the hill in a big game, working out of a couple jams to limit St. Louis to two runs over 6-2/3 innings. The Dodger bullpen—helped in the eighth inning by an inning-ending catch in the gap from Matt Kemp—was flawless again.

Before the miracle ninth inning, the Dodgers really only had one look at the game, and that was with two outs in the eighth and the bases loaded. Kemp got jammed, however, and that was that—the Dodgers continued their lousy hitting in the clutch (a pattern that was soon to end).

I’ve neglected to mention one thing, though: Manny Ramirez. That’s because once again, he contributed absolutely nothing… which should make the win even more satisfying for the Dodgers. They seem to be at their best when they can win without Manny, and so far, that’s what they’ve done. Of course, a little Holliday spirit hasn’t hurt either.

> If you only watched the TBS broadcast, it's worth hearing Scully call the ninth inning. Watch it here. I can't stop watching it.

October 7, 2009 - Dodgers 5, Cardinals 3 (NLDS Game 1)
Waste isn't toxic for Dodgers

As Matt Holliday walked to the plate with the bases loaded and nobody out in the top of the first inning on Wednesday night, I had already seen enough. I had yet to even bite into the disgusting Western Bacon Cheeseburger sitting on my lap, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of witnessing the Dodgers’ playoff hopes dashed in an instant. So I got up and went to the bathroom. With Vin Scully talking me through my pee, I heard Holliday strike out looking. As I struggled to pull a paper towel from a dispenser clearly infected with swine flu, I wondered what the hell I was doing in the bathroom during the first inning of the playoffs. I rushed back to my seat, vowed to myself that I wouldn’t get up for the next nine innings, and then watched Matt Kemp stare at Ryan Ludwick’s pop fly to shallow center as if was a little flaming meteor that shouldn’t be touched. The ball dropped in front of Kemp despite hanging in the air for, oh, about a minute and a half, and the Cardinals were up 1-0.

As I was busy cursing Kemp under my breath, however, Ronnie Belliard started a 4-6-3 double play and Randy Wolf was out of the inning. Officially, two Cardinals were left on base—setting the stage for the most wasteful NLDS game in history. In fact, we shouldn’t even be talking about guys left on base. It’s easier to tally the bases that were empty when an inning ended. For the Dodgers, this number was eight. That’s just a base per inning that the Dodgers left empty—a pretty gruesome stat. Which makes it all the more impressive that they actually came away with the victory.

Of course, it was Kemp’s home run in the bottom of the first that really turned the tables. After Rafael Furcal led off with a base hit, Kemp crushed Chris Carpenter’s third pitch of the game over the fence in center to give the Dodgers a 2-1 lead. Those were the only runs the Dodgers would actually score on a hit, the other three coming later on a sacrifice fly, an error, and a hit batter. The Dodgers thoughts on that? “We’ll take it!”

Between Kemp’s defense (including a ninth-inning blunder), Wolf’s pitching, the lack of clutch hitting, a rapidly declining Manny Ramirez, and a somewhat shaky ninth from Jonathan Broxton, the game certainly wasn’t pretty—but it was huge. The Dodgers hit Carpenter for the first time in his career, the Dodgers' bullpen picked up a struggling Randy Wolf, and Jim Thome actually worked a full count before striking out with the bases loaded.

More good news: It seemed like there were about a dozen arrests at the stadium during the game, so that’s twelve fewer fucks to ruin Thursday’s experience.

October 4, 2009 - Dodgers 5, Rockies 0
What do they want—a cookie?

So the Dodgers finally did it on Saturday night. A week into their quest to win a single game, to put a couple hits together, to avoid making any embarrassing mistakes on the bases, to not blow a ninth-inning lead, they did it. They beat Colorado 5-0, are officially best in the West, and will end the season with the best record in the National League.

Forgive me if I’m not getting the warm and fuzzies. For almost two weeks, the Dodgers have looked like shit. For four innings on Saturday, they didn’t have a baserunner. For six innings, they had just three hits. In the bottom of the seventh, they finally put it all together—and by “all together,” we’re talking about two walks, a misplayed grounder, and a couple of dunkers. And that was it. Obviously, it was enough to easily beat the Rockies, but it’s not enough to forget about how crappy they’ve been playing.  

I’m not saying the victory isn’t without merit. Manny Ramirez finally made contact (a couple innings after striking out looking with two guys on base), Clayton Kershaw had an impressive outing (striking out 10, including the first five batters of the game), and the win gives the Dodgers home field advantage in the playoffs (for whatever that’s worth). If Saturday’s victory (combined with a great first inning on Sunday) is enough to jumpstart the Dodgers, then great—but I’m hardly sold. I hope I’m wrong, but let’s face it, how often am I wrong?

October 2, 2009 - Rockies 4, Dodgers 3
Dodgers gone wild (card)

Sometimes you can blame a team’s collapse on inexperience. Sometimes you can blame a team’s collapse on off-the-field distractions. Sometimes you can blame a team’s collapse on injuries. In the case of the Dodgers, you can’t blame their collapse on any of those three things. Instead, you can blame it on these eight things: Rafael Furcal, Andre Ethier, Manny Ramirez, Matt Kemp, Casey Blake, Russell Martin, and Orlando Hudson. They’re not inexperienced, they’re not distracted, and they’re not hurt. They just suck balls at the moment—a very bad moment to suck balls. Together, they certainly form an intimidating lineup, one that carried the team much of the season. Unfortunately, though, the season isn’t 150 games long.

For much of Friday night’s game, the story was sadly the same as it’s been for almost two weeks: no offense. Through the first six innings, the Dodgers had just two hits. They loaded the bases in the third inning, and actually scored a run—on a wild pitch, of course. Manny Ramirez and Matt Kemp were no help, both striking out. It was Manny’s second strikeout of the game. It wasn’t his last. In fact, he’d strike out two more times, including in the bottom of the seventh with the Dodgers down by one and runners on first and second. When you see Manny swing through an 85-mph fastball down the middle, you know he’s got problems. Earlier in the game, he even forgot how many strikes he had. (How can he forget how many strikes he has when there are always two?) Way to get it together for a big game, Manny.

Meanwhile, you can’t be too happy with Ronald Belisario, who inherited a one-run deficit in the top of the seventh and proceeded to throw an 0-2 fastball down the middle to Troy Tulowitzki. I’ve never mentioned this, but doesn’t it kind of look like Belisario has a lot of teeth in his mouth—and they’re all a little too small?

Honestly, I don’t even know what to say anymore. Clearly the Rockies are going to win the West, and clearly the Dodgers won’t even know what hit them. By the time they realize, they’ll be eliminated from the first round of the playoffs… while Jim Tracy walks around Denver getting free BJs from Rockies fans.

September 30, 2009 - Padres 5, Dodgers 0
Totally flat, just like their champagne

With the Dodgers behind 4-0 in the bottom of the fourth inning Wednesday night, Joe Torre slowly made his way out to the mound. Instead of pulling Jon Garland from the game, though, would anyone have been surprised if Torre just pulled out a gun and shot himself in the head instead? If he had, maybe the game would have been cancelled on account of suicide and we wouldn’t have had to witness the Dodgers’ next play: a botched rundown. Actually, calling it a botched rundown makes it sound like there was just a dropped ball or a bad throw or something. I guess I called it a botched rundown because I’m not sure what to call it when your uber-Catholic third baseman locks his legs around the baserunner like a 3-year-old who doesn’t want his daddy to leave him alone with the housekeeper. Honestly, how the fuck do the Dodgers come up with this shit?

Each day, the Dodgers need just a win to clinch the Western Division. Each day, the Dodgers look worse than the day before.

In the first inning on Wednesday, the Dodgers left two guys on base. In the second inning, they went down on seven pitches. In the third inning, Orlando Hudson hit into a double play. In the fouth, Kemp hit into one. In the eighth and ninth, the final five Dodgers struck out—a replay of Tuesday night. All told, the Dodgers had a hit. One hit. Meanwhile, the mighty Padres scored five runs over the first four innings and made it look easy. It used to be easy for the Dodgers as well, but that was before they decided that they’re too talented, too good, and too cool to actually show any sense of urgency. Hell, forget about urgency—how about just looking like you fucking care?

The Dodgers now have three games left in the regular season—but only one chance to win the West. That chance is on Thursday when the Dodgers don’t play. That chance lies solely on the shoulders of the Milwaukee Brewers, who could beat the Rockies and hand the division to the Dodgers. If the Rockies win on Thursday, though, they sweep the Dodgers this weekend—guaranteed. And once that happens, the Dodgers lose home field advantage in the playoffs, lose whatever remnant of self confidence they still may have, and lose the right to ever, ever think that the goddamn world revolves around their swollen 0-for-4 heads.

September 27, 2009 - Pirates 6, Dodgers 5
Choking their way into the postseason

The Dodgers would like to tell you that Sunday’s loss didn’t mean anything… that they’ve already clinched a playoff spot… that there’s still a week of baseball to clinch the Western Division… that there’s no reason to get worked up. They’d like to tell you all this, but if they do, they’re full of shit. Sunday’s ninth-inning collapse to the hapless Pittsburgh Pirates is a killer. On top of some pathetic games against the Pirates and Nationals over the past week, Sunday’s loss is proof that the Dodgers’ tank has hit empty. Forget about having the best record in the league—If you can’t convincingly beat the Nationals and Pirates, what’s going to happen in the postseason? True, anything can happen in a five game series—which is exactly why having momentum going into the playoffs is hugely important. Unless the Dodgers find a way to wake themselves up over the next few days, they’re going into the postseason with NOmenutm.

So… Sunday’s game. First of all, the Pirates have the third highest team ERA in the league—and the Dodgers score just twice over the first eight innings. Scored twice, got picked off twice. Nice work. Apparently the Dodgers were waiting for the Pirates to break down and give them a few charity runs. To the Dodgers satisfaction this finally happened in the ninth inning. On three hits, a stupid throw to the plate, and an error, the Dodgers scored three. And then, with guys on second and third, Andre Ethier struck out on a pitch that bounced about three times before it got to the plate. Oh well, Dodgers are up by three, no worries.

Wrong. Many worries. From the first pitch Jonathan Broxton made, it was obvious he didn’t have it. He was taking too much time, wasn’t throwing strikes, and could barely even hit Russell Martin on an intentional walk pitch-out. A fielding mistake and throwing error from Rafael Furcal didn’t help matters, and suddenly the Pirates were down by two with the bases loaded. Enter Andre Ethier, fresh off his sexy strikeout. Base hit to right center, ball goes under Ethier’s glove, game over. Another walk-off for Andre. Oh, and did I mention that two of the Pirates’ hits in the ninth came off the bat of former Dodgers Delwyn Young and Andy LaRoche? For the Pirates, it was just their fifth win in the last twenty-nine games. For the Dodgers, well... eat me, you bastards.

September 23, 2009 - Nationals 5, Dodgers 4
Nats inspire Dodgers... to play like crap

Wait a second—which is the team with 99 losses? A day after pummeling the Nationals 14-2, the Dodgers turned around on Wednesday to lose sloppily to Washington, 5-4. Chad Billingsley failed to cover first (a mistake that would lead to three runs), Matt Kemp and Manny Ramirez let a ball drop between them in the eighth inning (leading to a run), the heart of the Dodgers left the bases loaded in the ninth, and Andre Ethier botched a fly ball to let the winning run score. I guess you watch a shitty team long enough and you forget how to play baseball.

For five innings, though, Billingsley remembered how to pitch. Trying to snap out of his well-documented funk, Billingsley didn’t allow a hit through the first 5-2/3 innings, striking out nine and walking four. Then came the pitch to Ryan Zimmerman. Three runs, tie game. I suppose it still has to be considered a success for Billingsley, who proved that he’s totally capable of pitching a few innings in the playoffs—if the Dodgers happen to face the Nationals, that is.

September 20, 2009 - Dodgers 6, Giants 2
Lincecum looks like a girl—and pitched like one on Sunday

If the Giants were going to make a last-minute run at the Wild Card, their hope certainly rested on the skinny shoulders of Tim Lincecum. The reigning Cy Young winner took the mound against the Dodgers on Sunday—and left the mound four innings later. Clearly distracted by little girls in the stands who looked just like him, Lincecum struck out only three and walked four—with two of the walks leading to runs. Andre Ethier hit a 2-run homer in the third inning, giving him 101 RBI, and the Dodgers got two more runs in the fourth on a single from Ronnie Belliard (who just happens to be playing in place of a guy who’s due to earn 10,000 for each plate appearance the rest of the season). After two walks to start the fifth inning, Lincecum was gone and the Dodgers were well on their way to their 90th victory.

The win puts the Dodgers 30 games above .500 for the first time in 24 years. That’s pee-in-my-pants exciting, but let’s flash back to that 1985 team with the 95-67 record. What happened in the NLCS? Yeah, Jack Clark happened. (Although at least the Dodgers had the starting pitching to keep them in the game until Tom Niedenfuer blew it, which is more than we can probably say for the Dodgers of today.) In all honesty, I’d really like to believe that the ’09 Dodgers can beat the Phillies or Cardinals... but I don’t believe it. I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with the fact that Clayton Kershaw is hurting, Hiroki Kuroda could faint at any minute, Chad Billingsley looks more like Chad Hermansen, Vicente Padilla looks like… well… Vicente Padilla, and knowing the Dodgers’ luck, Randy Wolf sprains his ankle this week while getting into the shower.

September 14, 2009 - Dodgers 6, Pirates 2
Some kids put on big league uniforms, lose to Dodgers

Roberto Clemente, Willie Stargell, Dave Parker, Kent Tekulve, Barry Bonds, Daniel McCutchen. Ok, maybe not. But how about Andrew McCutchen? Yeah, probably not him either. The McCutchen Brothers—about as close to being brothers as Bill Gates and  Fernando Valenzuela—didn’t quite have enough on Monday, as the Dodgers beat the Pirates, 6-2. Daniel (the white McCutchen) went five innings, giving up four runs on seven hits.

Jon Garland, meanwhile, escaped a jam in the first inning and then gave up two runs over the next five for his second win as a Dodger. Everyone in the Dodgers lineup had at least a hit, and everyone after the fifth spot had at least two—including two doubles from Orlando Hudson. Andre Ethier had the big blow, breaking a 2-2 tie with a 2-run homer in the bottom of the fifth. Maybe he’ll celebrate after the game by getting his hair cut. Or maybe the rest of the Dodgers will celebrate by tying him to a chair and slicing off those girly locks.

Monday’s win, coupled with Colorado’s loss, puts the Dodgers four games up in the West… which is just the right lead for Chad Billingsley to singlehandedly give away.

September 7, 2009 - Dodgers 7, Diamondbacks 2
Whaddya know—Dodgers have a pulse

After a putrid month of August and a completely uninspired series against the mighty Padres, the Dodgers certainly had something to prove on Monday: that they’re actually alive. Their 7-2 victory over Arizona was a step toward proving that—and a couple emotional outbursts were even more telling. After striking out on three pitches in the third inning, Manny Ramirez tossed his bat and helmet and had words for plate umpire Doug Eddings. Unless those words were, “Hey Doug, just play along so everyone thinks I actually care,” Ramirez’ frustration is actually a good thing.

So, too, is Russell Martin’s anger. Five months into the season, Martin is hitting .257 with just 4 home runs—a fifth of what he had two seasons ago. In the fourth inning on Monday, Martin was hit in the left shoulder with a pitch by Max Scherzer—two batters after Ronnie Belliard hit a home run. Martin stared at Scherzer (who probably wasn't throwing at him) as he walked toward first and then had words with the Diamondbacks’ pitcher after Vicente Padilla flied out to end the inning. Two innings later, Andre Ethier sent his own “F you” to Scherzer by trying to nail the pitcher at first base on a single to right.

Amazing what ten hits, three home runs, and some emotion will do for a team that’s down in the dumps. I don’t really understand why it’s taken them this long to show a little life, but with the Rockies on their ass, they’d best channel this energy into a sweep of Arizona. Anything less, and the Dodgers come away thinking that they can’t even beat last place teams. (Between you and me, they generally can’t beat last place teams, but at least they shouldn’t believe that.)

September 3, 2009 - Dodgers 4, Diamondbacks 2
Dodgers go nuts, score four

Always thinking of the fans, the Dodgers did something special for them on Thursday night: they scored four runs. In thirteen of the last twenty games, the Dodgers had scored three runs of fewer and bore little resemblance to the offensive powerhouse that they were during the first half of the season. On Thursday, though, they unleashed fury on the Diamondbacks, scoring one runs in the second inning and two more in the fourth. But they weren’t done there—they added another run in the sixth. Ronnie Belliard knocked in three and Manny Ramirez even joined the fun, hitting one over the centerfield fence.

In his first start as a Dodger, Jon Garland pitched seven innings to get the win. Facing his old teammates, Garland was a little shaky at the start, but settled down to retire the last 14 batters he faced. Must have been the good luck provided by Jeromy Burnitz’s old #21 jersey. Really can’t believe that hasn’t been retired by now.

The win extends the Dodgers’ lead over the Rockies to 5-1/2 and their lead over the Giants to 6-1/2. If they could just get the lead to seven games, they can stop caring again.

August 31, 2009 - Diamondbacks 4, Dodgers 3
Dodgers gain Jim and Jon, but George and James get jacked

I’ve been pretty busy the last few days, so maybe I missed something. Did the National League add the designated hitter? I can’t find anything on the internet about it, but how else would you explain the Dodgers getting a guy who hasn’t put on a glove in two seasons? That guy, of course, is Jim Thome. The 39-year-old designated hitter was acquired on Monday in exchange for minor league infielder Justin Fuller. I suppose it can’t hurt to have Thome’s bat coming off of the bench, and it should be nice for Manny Ramirez to know that there’s someone on the team who’s more inept with the glove and strikes out more often than him. Ned Colletti must have wet his friggin’ pants when he saw the memo from the White Sox announcing their garage sale.

The acquisition of Thome wasn’t the Dodgers’ only move. Pitcher Jon Garland, who entered the visitor’s clubhouse at Dodger Stadium on Monday afternoon, will leave through the Dodgers’ clubhouse Monday night. Garland was 8-11 with a 4.29 ERA, which ranks him… well… toward the bottom of the Dodgers’ staff. I guess I’d rather have Jon Garland on the mound instead of Charlie Haeger, but is Garland really the guy who’s going to make a difference in a five or seven game series? No, he’s not. And I guarantee you that whoever the Player to be Named Later is, he’ll burn the Dodgers in a couple years.

Actually, if the Player to be Named Later turns out to be James McDonald, any chance the league would rescind the home run he gave up in the 10th inning on Monday (after the trade was made)? The home run—coming on the heels of George Sherrill’s meat ball in the eighth inning—gave the Diamondbacks a 4-3 lead and the eventual win. Meanwhile, the Dodgers got a whopping five hits to support another strong start from Randy Wolf. Oh well, at least Jim Thome and Jon Garland should feel right at home since the Dodgers have all the energy of a fourth-place team.

August 27, 2009 - Dodgers 3, Rockies 2
Dodgers to Rockies: not so fast

The Dodgers may very well implode and before it’s all said and done, but apparently it won’t be this week. After seeing their lead in the West cut to two games on Tuesday, the Dodgers rebounded to win Wednesday and Thursday.

Thursday’s win was hardly convincing, but it was enough to keep Jim Tracy in his place (which is second place or preferably lower). Vicente Padilla made his Dodger debut, going five innings and giving up two earned runs. He didn’t hit anyone in the head, didn’t get in a fight, and didn’t infect any of his teammates with Swine Flu, so you’ve got to consider the day a success. It also means that the Dodgers probably won’t be picking up Brad Penny, who was released by the Red Sox on Thursday and continues the biggest career nosedive since Axel Rose. Hmmm… I wonder if Alyssa Milano dated Axel too.

Anyway, the day probably belonged to Rafael Furcal, who finally came through with a clutch hit in the sixth inning… and then missed a tag in the bottom of the ninth that allowed the potential winning run to reach base. Jonathan Broxton struck out Eric Young and Seth Smith to end it, however, so Furcal can sleep well knowing that he actually contributed in a positive way to the Dodgers’ season.

August 25, 2009 - Rockies 5, Dodgers 4
Rock bottom, coming soon

First off all, I’m somewhat inebriated so I can’t promise that any of what I’m about to write will make any sense. Hell, I couldn’t even spell the word ‘inebriated’ without using spellcheck. Anyway, my current state of sobriety make Tuesday’s extra-inning loss a lot more bearable. And by more bearable, I mean that instead of wanting to throw my body in front of a train, I’m only considering cutting off my own arms.

First of all, the Dodger offense is fucking putrid. Second, Joe Torre is a douche. Third, the fact that Jim Tracy, Joe Beimel, Matt Herges, and Eric Young’s son are just two games back of the Dodgers makes me want to throw up in a tortilla and eat it… which, of course, makes me want to throw up even more. Look, I don’t have a lot of patience right now to write about the fucking catastrophe that is the Dodgers, so I’ll just say is this: I told you so. When the Dodgers had the best record in baseball… when they had a nine game lead… when every hop and drop was going their way… I told you not to get cocky. But you did. And so did the Dodgers. They got complacent once Manny came back, they didn’t improve their pitching staff at the trading deadline, and they haven’t taken the rest of the NL West seriously.

Excuse my while I go find a tortilla.

August 23, 2009 - Cubs 3, Dodgers 1
Dodgers flat as a 9-year-old girl

After winning three in a row against the Cubs, the Dodgers apparently decided they were worthy of an off day on Sunday. They had just three hits—none coming from the heart of the order—and lost to Chicago, 3-1. Rafael Furcal, Manny Ramirez, Casey Blake, Matt Kemp, Russell Martin, and Mark Loretta all went hitless, with Ramirez striking out looking to end the game.

Ramirez has just 6 hits in his last 34 at-bats and has only one home run in his last eighteen games. He also looked inept in the outfield on Sunday, although that’s nothing new. Ramirez seemed to have problems getting to balls in both the fourth inning and the sixth inning, and that’s putting it nicely. It would probably be more accurate to say he looked like a goddamn idiot. "I think he's trying to carry everybody on his shoulders," Joe Torre said of Manny—not wanting to say what he really thinks: that Manny has checked out and doesn’t give a flying shit. I sure as hell hope that’s not the case, but the dude doesn’t look focused, doesn’t look interested, and doesn’t even look particularly coordinated.

The Dodgers are off on Monday and then begin a three game series in Colorado, where Jim Tracy would like nothing more than to see the Dodgers crash and burn—and then watch their charred bodies get eaten by vultures. I’d like to make a simple request to the producers of the Dodgers’ TV broadcasts this week: If the Dodgers are losing, for the love of God please keep the cameras off of Tracy. I’m not sure I can stomach the smug grin or his giant chin.

August 22, 2009 - Dodgers 2, Cubs 0
Cubs gets a knuckle sandwich

For the third time in the last four games, the Dodgers only managed to score two runs on Saturday. Lucky for them, Charlie Haeger didn’t give up any. The knuckleballer went 7+ innings, striking out seven and giving up just three hits. It was Haeger’s second career win—his first coming three years ago.

After Haeger walked the leadoff man in the top of the 8th inning, Joe Torre opted for Jonathan Broxton. It’s obviously unconventional to have your closer come in with nobody out in the eighth, but if you break it down, Torre was pretty much going by the book. Broxton, a righty, kept Milton Bradley batting from the left side (his weaker side) and then two other righties followed: Derek Lee and Aramis Ramirez. All didn’t exactly go according to plan, however, when Matt Kemp lost a fly ball in the sun, putting runners at second and third with only one out. (Oh, did I mention that Kemp was playing right field? Yeah, a day game at Dodger Stadium—good time to randomly throw your centerfielder in right, Joe.) After the home plate umpire saved Broxton’s ass by accidentally blocking what would have been a wild pitch, Kosuke Fukudome struck out to end the game. No, wait, that was only the eighth. The ninth ended up being another adventure, with George Sherrill eventually picking up the save after walking two and thowing 31 pitches—probably half of which were strikes that the home plate umpire didn’t call.

Offensively, the Dodgers were carried by home runs from Matt Kemp and Casey Blake. Kemp’s shot practically hit the warming hut (a.k.a. the overpriced team store) beyond the Dodgers bullpen—a 449-foot shot that reminds us that the dude should be hitting 45 home runs a season.

August 19, 2009 - Cardinals 3, Dodgers 2
Pooholes steals one from Dodgers

If you’re planning on watching the first-place Dodgers play the Cubs this weekend, you may want to hit up the early part of the series—by the end, they may not be the first-place Dodgers anymore. Despite the Cardinals leaving a couple dozen guys on base, the Dodgers lost on Wednesday, 3-2. The loss shrinks their lead over Colorado to just 3.5 games, close enough for Rockies manager Jim Tracy to taste revenge (instead of just tasting the saliva in his oddly-shaped lower jaw).

Wednesday’s loss was not a pretty one for the Dodgers. They didn’t get a hit until the sixth inning, but then tied the game suddenly in the seventh with two solo homers. In the eighth the Dodgers (or Tony Abreu to be exact) failed to get a sacrifice bunt down, and in the ninth they (or  Casey Blake and James Loney to be exact) left the tying run at second base. It was the tying run at second because the Cardinals had taken the lead in the top of the inning—on an Albert Pooholes stolen base of all things. Broxton walked Pooholes to start the inning, and then focused on Matt Holliday… um, a little too much. Pooholes took off, and Russell Martin’s shitty throw ended up in short centerfield, with Pooholes taking third. Next pitch, sac fly to score Pooholes. Fantastic.

A few final observations from Wednesday’s game: (1) There will apparently be no Matt Kemp curtain call bobblehead night, as Kemp went 0-for-4; (2) Dennys Reyes has the widest face on the planet, and (3) St. Louis shortstop Brendan Ryan looks like a rapist.

August 18, 2009 - Dodgers 7, Cardinals 3
Dodgers quench their Thurston

Every now and then you watch outfielder Rick Ankiel and you’re reminded of something: he’s actually not an outfielder. Although he’s made the improbable transition from pitcher to position player with relative ease, it’s not always smooth sailing. It certainly wasn’t smooth on Tuesday, as the Dodgers took advantage of a misplay by Ankiel to score two runs in the fourth inning and go on to beat St. Louis, 7-3.

The game started on an ominous note for the Dodgers, as they left four guys on base through the first two innings. With one out in the fourth, though, Russell Martin lined one just over Ankiel’s head. Ankiel turned awkwardly, lunged, and ended up face down on the warning track. Orlando Hudson followed with a single, which Chad Billingsley followed with a single, which Rafael Furcal followed with a single. (I’m pretty sure it was Furcal’s first hit of the season.) The Dodgers pushed across three more runs in the fifth, and two more later in the game, making Chad Billingsley a winner—despite a pinch-hit double from one of my favorite "can't miss" Dodger prospects, Joe Thurston. The win snaps the Dodgers’ losing streak at home and keeps the Rockies four games back.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers announced that Jeff Weaver will start on Thursday in place of Hiroki Kuroda, who spent three hours being tested by a neurologist on Tuesday. Kuroda had been diagnosed with a mild concussion, but the Dodgers became concerned Monday night when they noticed Kuroda drinking pine tar and speaking perfect English.  

August 16, 2009 - Dodgers 9, Diamondbacks 3
Day off for Broxton, so Dodgers feeling Randy

Next time I go away for the weekend, I can promise you one thing: I won’t be turning on a Dodger game. I did it for five minutes on Friday—and watched Clayton Kershaw give up four runs (the only runs he’d give up). Then, on Saturday night, I turned on the game again—just in time to catch Jonathan Broxton facing Mark Reynolds with the Dodgers up 3-1. Oops, make that 3-2. No, wait, 3-3.

I’m not kidding you—I saw a total of about seven minutes of Dodger baseball, and it was enough to jinx the Dodgers and ruin my vacation. (Although, I can’t be blamed for Kuroda taking one off the dome—I had nothing to do with that.)

Disgusted by the previous two games and eager to somehow enjoy the final few hours of my weekend, I didn’t catch Sunday’s game… which explains why the Dodgers beat Arizona, 9-3. They knocked out fourteen hits, including home runs from Andre Ethier, Orlando Hudson, and Randy Wolf (one of Wolf’s three hits), and had a 7-0 lead by the fourth inning. Before hitting the wall in the eighth, Wolf struck out ten and retired twenty straight batters.

It was a big win for the Dodgers because, well, they’re in trouble. With Chad Billingsley and Hiroki Kuroda both question marks and Jonathan Broxton looking more and more like Jeff Shaw every day, a five-game lead is anything but comfortable. Neither the Rockies or the Giants are playing particularly good baseball, but even playing mediocre ball might be enough to catch the Dodgers. (And if that's the case, don’t count out the Padres, who’ve moved from 24 games out of first place just three weeks ago to 21 games out as of Sunday. Gutsy team, those Pads.)

August 11, 2009 - Dodgers 9, Giants 1
Dodgers getting back on track

Must be great to be a Giants fan. You watch your team intentionally walk Manny Ramirez twice… then give up a run-scoring double to him… then give up a 2-run bomb to him… and then you cheer like it’s the seventh game of the World Series when he strikes out looking in the eighth inning—with the Dodgers up by eight runs.

There was little else for Giants fans to cheer about Tuesday, as the Dodgers won their second in a row and increased their lead over the Giants to 7-1/2 games. Randy Wolf went eight innings, giving up just six hits and a run. A San Francisco error in the fifth set up a four-run inning for the Dodgers, and they added five more in the top of the seventh. All the while the Dodgers appeared to be having a great time in the dugout, well aware they’d better party it up while they can—before they face Tim Lincecum’s stringy hair on Wednesday.

August 9, 2009 - Braves 8, Dodgers 2
Dodgers can't hit ball, but hit the skids just fine

Just a couple of weeks ago, the questions about the Dodgers revolved around whether they had the pitching to carry them through a postseason series. The bigger question now, however, may be whether they even have what it takes to reach the postseason at all. After losing 8-2 on Sunday, they’ve now lost three in a row, six of the last nine, and eleven of the last seventeen. The Giants and Rockies are both just 5-1/2 games back—and playing much better baseball.

Were it not for Andre Ethier’s walk-off heroics on Thursday, the Dodgers would have lost all four games of the series to Atlanta—a team that was just a game over .500 when they came to town. On Friday, the Dodgers blew a ninth-inning lead and then blew multiple chances to win in extras, and they fell in extra innings again on Saturday (wasting seven shutout innings from Clayton Kershaw). They only needed nine innings to lose on Sunday, thanks to Ramon Troncoso and Guillermo Mota who made sure there wouldn’t be a ninth-inning comeback. Troncoso has now given up six earned runs over his last two outings (totaling 2/3 of an inning) and Guillermo Mota is having another touch stretch as well.

The bullpen isn’t alone, though, as every piece of the Dodger team appears to be broken. Starting pitching, not so good. Clutch hitting, not so good. Defense, been better. Even the coaching is questionable—did Larry Bowa mistake Manny Ramirez for Juan Pierre when he sent him home in the 4th inning on a pop fly that the shortstop caught?

No worries, though—the Dodgers have their eyes on John Smoltz. Yeah, better jump on that before a softball team in Bakersfield does.

August 6, 2009 - Dodgers 5, Braves 4
Andre likes it with Manny behind

On Monday night, Manny Ramirez had a chance to win the game in the ninth—but flied out. On Thursday night, Manny had a chance to give the Dodgers a lead in the seventh inning—but struck out. Finally, in the ninth inning Thursday night, Manny succeeded—by standing in the on-deck circle. With two on and the Dodgers down by two, Atlanta closer Rafael Soriano got behind Andre Ethier, two balls and no strikes. Soriano knew who was on deck, Ethier knew who was on deck, Soriano knew he needed to throw a strike, and Ethier knew Soriano needed to throw a strike. Sure enough, Soriano grooved one, and Ethier cleared the wall in right to give the Dodgers an improbable 5-4 victory. It was Ethier’s fifth walk-off hit of the season, and probably his biggest since it instantaneously turned a frustrating game into a dogpile at home plate.

For eight innings, it was another one of those wasteful games for the Dodgers. They had ten hits (eight off Derek Lowe), but had managed only two runs. They failed to capitalize on Randy Wolf’s first career stolen base, left two on in both the seventh and eighth innings, and couldn’t get a simple bunt down. None of it surprised me, of course, since I constantly prepare myself for the Dodgers’ failure. But then the bottom of the ninth came, and I decided to try a different approach. Listening to Journey blasting through the speakers, I decided not to stop believing. (Actually, I decided to start believing, but those aren’t the lyrics.) Anyway, thanks to Steve Perry’s song and my wife’s plea to stop being such a fucking drag, I started clapping. At first it hurt my hands, but I got the hang of it and suddenly the Dodgers had two on and nobody out. I clapped a little more, and Ethier hit one out. Hmmm… faith... a very interesting concept.

August 3, 2009 - Brewers 6, Dodgers 5
Well, that was unnecessary

I could have handled a 6-2 loss. They happen. Clayton Kershaw was all over the place, Jeff Weaver wasn’t much help, and the Dodgers offense was lousy—for eight innings at least. Had they gone down in order in the ninth inning, I would have quietly stood from my seat, taken the last watery sips of my Coke, and walked out to my car. I would have been fine.

Instead, I want to punch someone in the face. I want to find an innocent person, push them to the sidewalk, and throw dirt in their eyes. Goddamn Dodgers. Down four runs in the bottom of the ninth, the Dodgers started the inning with four consecutive hits. Suddenly, it was a 6-5 game and the Dodgers had the tying run on first—and the Brewers had the ghost of Trevor Hoffman on the mound. Two minutes earlier, I had accepted the loss. Now, somehow, a win was within reach. And then, just as quickly, came a series of mistakes that ruined my night. No wait, my life. First, with Juan Pierre at the plate, Orlando Hudson got an incredible jump at first. He probably would have stolen second without a throw—that is, if Pierre had pulled his bat back and taken a pitch. Instead, he bunted. It was a good bunt, but completely useless and goes down as Mistake #1. Then, after Russell Martin teased the Dodger world with a fly ball to the wall, up came Furcal with Hudson on third and two outs. And Furcal bunts. Bunts? Doesn’t make sense to me, so it’s Mistake #2, but even so, Hudson can’t just saunter down the line with a confused look on his face. Two outs and down by a run you’d better be hauling ass on contact—or at least take off for home after the throw is made to first. Hudson did neither (Mistake #3), remaining at third as Furcal beat the throw to first. Then, probably the worst thing to happen is Andre Ethier getting hit by a pitch…. which unfortunately brings up clean and sober Manny, who’s no fun at all. Manny flies weakly to right, and that’s that. What a crappy sport.

August 2, 2009 - Dodgers 9, Braves 1
Kemp cleans up, Dodgers polish off Braves

After a Saturday afternoon game packed with bad baserunning, bad fielding, and bad calls, things went a little more smoothly for the Dodgers on Sunday evening. Matt Kemp hit a monstrous home run and knocked in five, Andre Ethier and James Loney each had three hits, and Chad Billingsley struck out nine Braves in five innings before leaving with a cramp in his hamstring. Four relievers combined to stifle the Braves over the final four innings, and the Dodgers hung on to win, 9-1. Even Jason Schmidt joined in the fun, getting a pinch hit single in the sixth inning. (After Schmidt’s six scoreless innings on Friday, Joe Torre is obviously getting cocky—don’t be surprised if he starts Schmidt at second base on Monday.)

Meanwhile, despite Sunday’s win, the Dodgers have to be a little worried about two guys: Casey Blake and Manny Ramirez. Blake was held out of the lineup after hurting his wrist lifting weights on Saturday, and Manny… well… I guess the juice is finally out of his system. Since his bobble slam ten days ago, he’s 3-for-37. Sure, I suppose he’s entitled to go through a slump on occasion like everyone else, but it’s difficult to watch. It’s like seeing Lance Armstrong fall off a bike. Or Neil Diamond forget the lyrics to Sweet Caroline. Or Warren Buffet buying an overvalued stock. It's unsettling and it has to stop.