.2004

> 12.25.04 - Santa Claus
We asked for Adrian Beltre. He gave us Jose Valentin. We put Steve Finley on our Christmas list. But under the tree sits Ricky Ledee. We asked for a catcher. He gave us J.D. Drew instead. Tim Hudson would have been nice. But he wrapped up Wilson Alvarez. Santa, go to hell.

> 12.22.04 - The Yankees
So, the Yankees are pissed over the collapse of the trade, saying the Dodgers reneged on the deal. "We'll have to think long and hard before ever doing business with the Dodgers again,'' said Yankess president Randy Levine. Aren't these the same Yankees who asked for a forfeit a couple months ago after the Devil Rays didn't arrive in time for a game because their state was being destroyed by a fucking hurricane? Oh, that was ethical, but what the Dodgers did wasn't? F the Yankees in their big, swollen head.

> 12.20.04 - Dave Roberts
After Dave Roberts was traded from Boston to San Diego on Monday, he had this to say: "It didn't seem like this could ever happen. It's something I wanted so much my whole life." So what about all the tears shed after the Dodgers dealt you in July, Dave? Smiling bastard... just as full of shit as the next guy.

> 12.19.04 - Paul DePodesta
While we direct most of our rage toward not-so-Frank, Paul DePodesta isn't exactly an innocent bystander. He won't fork over $13 million a year for Beltre, but rumor has it he's willing to spend $10 million a year for J.D. Drew? What the hell is that?

> 12.16.04 - Frank McCourt
Forget about Scott Peterson, forget about Osama bin Laden, and forget about Santa Claus. You want evil? We give you Frank McCourt. This man is very, very bad. It's one thing to slowly dismantle the Dodger organization. It's quite another to lie about it. Asshole isn't a strong enough word.

> 12.12.04 - Peter Gammons
It's no surprise that Gammons will be honored by the Hall of Fame this July. What is a surprise, however, is that ESPN has the nerve to claim that Gammons is only 59 years old. Let's be serious... he was 59 years old about 59 years ago. No way in hell he's younger than 80. Not sure why that makes him Asshole of the Moment, but whatever.

> 12.9.04 - Jim Riggleman
The Dodgers are one Jim poorer than they were a day ago. Bench coach Jim Riggleman has bailed on the Dodgers to become minor league field coordinator for the Cardinals. That leaves Jim Tracy, Jim Colborn, and Jim Lett as the only Dodger coaches named Jim. What an asshole.

> 12.2.04 - Frank McCourt
In an obvious attempt to distract fans from the bunch o' nobodys who figure to be on the field for the Dodgers in '05, Frank McCourt is planning a 50th anniversary celebration of the Brooklyn Dodgers victory over the Yankees. In preparation, McCourt and his son bought $100,000 worth of 1955 Brooklyn memorabilia at an auction on Thursday. It's really terrific that Pee Wee Reese's engraved silver platter is back in the Dodgers' hands, but if McCourt thinks a 50-year-old tray is going to make up for the loss of Adrian Beltre, he's got another thing coming. (If he were to acquire Todd Benzinger's 1992 rectal thermometer, however... well, that's a different story.)

> 11.25.04 - Jim Tracy
So, the Dodgers and Jim Tracy have finally agreed on a new contract, one worth $1.8 million. Tracy's response: "They moved far enough to where I could say, 'I can live with it.'" He can live with it? Almost $2 million for a guy who did nothing but hurt the team, and the ungrateful son-of-a-bitch says he can live with it? What an asshole.

> 11.20.04 - Eric Karros
According to the LA Times, Eric Karros has declined the Dodgers offer to become the team's commentator. Apparently Karros decided to turn down the offer after someone explained to him his job would be to comment, not criticize. Greek asshole.

> 11.15.04 - The dude who voted for Burnitz
Yeah, yeah, Bonds won the MVP award. Big fucking surprise. What pisses us off, though, is not that 24 guys voted for a juiced-up prick... it's that one prick decided to put Jeromy Burnitz on his ballot. That's not right.

> 11.14.04 - The McCourts
Apparently 20,000 square feet wasn't enough for the McCourts. After purchasing a $25 million home in April, the Dodger owners have now purchased the home next door for $6.5 million. Either they're planning on building a new stadium in Holmby Hills, or they just don't know what to do with their money. Here's a crazy idea: instead of having 15 bathrooms, re-sign Adrian Beltre.

> 11.10.04 - The 4 guys who voted for Tracy
Manager of the Year awards were announced on Wednesday, and Jim Tracy got four first place votes. Any chance those four votes came from Jason Grabowski, Mike Venafro, Jose Flores, and Elmer Dessens? While the true identity of the four voters will remain a mystery, we do know they're assholes.

> 11.8.04 - Arte Moreno
So suddenly this guy decides he doesn't want to be associated with Orange County? Frankly, you can't blame the guy, but too goddamn bad. If he wanted an L.A. team, he could have bought the Dodgers. But he didn't. Arte, if you want to drop Anaheim from the team's name, call them the La Habra Angels. Or the Fullerton Angels. Or the Placentia Angels. But keep your grubby hands off of L.A.

> 11.3.04 - Cesar Izturis
We're happy for Cesar that he won a Gold Glove, but we wouldn't mind a few more errors here and there. See, the better he becomes, the greater the chance that the Dodgers won't be able to afford him in a couple years when he becomes a free agent. What an asshole.

> 10.27.04 - Bill Buckner
Boston might be willing to finally forgive Bill Buckner, but we're not. In 1975, Buckner hit .243 for the Dodgers. That's just unacceptable. Asshole.

> 10.24.04 - Kevin Malone
No special occasion, but every now and then we like to remind everyone what a colossal son-of-a-bitch this guy was. Asshole.

> 10.22.04 - Frank McCourt
Apparently Frank is too busy watching Red Sox games to worry about what's going on with the Dodger broadcasting team.

> 10.18.04 - Jon Miller
As bad as Jon Miller is at broadcasting a game on TV, you can multiply that times fifty for his radio broadcasts. Somehow, he managed to go a half hour Monday without even mentioning what inning the Boston/NY game was in. Jon, we're not in front of a TV... that's why we're listening to YOU ON THE FUCKING RADIO! Tell us the score, tell us the inning, and tell us how many inches Johnny Damon's hair has grown since the last pitch. By the way, are there really a dozen different ways to pronounce Esteban Loaiza's name? Jackoff.

> 10.17.04 - Los Angeles fans
We all know that Dodger fans are a fickle bunch, and work games around their lives, rather than their lives around games, but when you look at what Boston fans endured on Sunday, Dodger fans look even more pathetic. Game 4 of the ALCS stretched five hours. When it ended at almost 1:30 am, almost everyone was still at Fenway. It was a school night, a work night, and it was about 5 degrees in Boston. Yet everyone stayed. Sure, the Red Sox were facing elimination... but you can't tell us that fans would be hanging around Dodger Stadium at 1:30 am on a Sunday night if the Dodgers were ever to be in that situation. Not a chance.

> 10.14.04 - Roger Cedeno
Forget about asking how this guy is on the postseason roster for the St. Louis Cardinals. A better question is, how is this guy still in the major leagues at all?

> 10.11.04 - Cesar Izturis & Manny Mota
Somehow these two guys escaped the Asshole of the Moment label all season. Well, that comes to an end today. Assholes.

> 10.10.04 - Walter O'Malley
If O'Malley hadn't moved the stupid team from Brooklyn forty-six years ago, no one in L.A. would be feeling the blues tonight. Oooh, oooh, let's move the franchise to Los Angeles! Great idea. Asshole.

> 10.9.04 - Adrian Beltre
Next time there are two outs in the 9th, and Jose Lima is about to shut out the mighty Cardinals, do us all a favor: catch the goddamn ball above your head. Asshole.

> 10.8.04 - J.A. Adande
First of all, if a white player refused to talk to a white reporter, is someone going to write about how that player "turned his back on his own people"? Jesus, give it up already. Hey J.A., you're a sportswriter—how about an article about the goddamn playoffs? And on top of that, how dare you reference Chris Rock's "I ain't saying he should have killed her, but I understand" line. Funny coincidence how we, at Dodger Blues, used that line on September 28th. And while we're at it, any coincidence between us refering to an erupting "Mount St. Bradley" on September 28th, and T.J. Simers calling Bradley "Mt. Milton" on September 30th? Punks.

> 10.7.04 - Larry Walker
Go eat out of a trough, you pig.

> 10.6.04 - Milton Bradley's baby-sitter
Dammit, the Dodgers hired a baby-sitter for Milton, but where the hell was she after Wednesday's workout at Busch Stadium? In the clubhouse, Bradley snapped yet again, this time criticizing reporters for bad-mouthing him in the press (hmm... wonder why), and then calling LA Times reporter Jason Reid an "Uncle Tom" and a "sellout." As the argument escalated, Bradley allegedly asked for a bottle—either interesting timing for a joke or proof that Milton is crazier than anyone thought. That's certainly not to say that Jason Reid was an innocent victim of Bradley's rage. Reporters poke, prod, and piss people off until they have a story, in this case making themselves the story. (Incidentally, screw the LA Times for taking people's attention away from the Dodger collapse.) Regardless, for everyone's own good, the Dodgers either need to keep Bradley in a cage or give him some reasons to be happy. Someone should be giving the dude BJs every five minutes. Or at least chocolate chip cookies. Something.

> 10.5.04 - The Dodger Blues VCR
Apparently your grandparents aren't the only ones who can't program their fucking VCR. Ten o'clock a.m. Channel 64. Five hours (just in case). Cable box on. Turned the VCR off. Everything good. Well, everything except for the fact that the GODDAMN VCR TAPED CARTOONS ON P.B.S. FOR FIVE HOURS!!! No baseball, just a talking vacuum. Beautiful. We wait almost a decade for this day, rip on Jim Tracy for his intelligence, and we're the ones who can't program the motherfucking VCR. To answer yesterday's question, no, the frustration will never end.

> 10.4.04 - Playoff schedule maker
The first Dodger playoff game in seven years, and it's at 10am on a weekday. Will the frustration never end? Because of the shitty game time and the fact that we actually have a day job, there won't be any post-game articles until later Tuesday evening. So when Milton Bradley goes apeshit and paints Tony La Russa's head blue during the 7th inning stretch, this won't be the first place you read about it.

> 10.3.04 - Steve Finley
One little grand slam to knock the Giants on their back, and everyone calls for the Gibson clock to be reset. Look what you did Steve, you asshole.

> 10.2.04 - Jim Tracy
The Dodgers are given a gift in the fifth inning, and Jim Tracy says, "No thank you." Marquis Grissom's error put Dodgers on second and third with one out, but Tracy leaves Wilson Alvarez in to hit. The Dodgers can't buy themselves a run, and Tracy blows the one chance they had. Truly inexcusable. But not a surprise. There's a reason we despise that man with a passion.... actually, hundreds of reasons. Two games left, nothing guaranteed, and Tracy is managing for the playoffs. If there was ever an asshole, Jim Tracy is it. No wonder he didn't want to take Alvarez out of the game—he had to save all his relievers to each pitch to one batter in the seventh. He's an asshole. Don't expect us to suddenly get the warm and fuzzies for Tracy just because they won.

> 10.1.04 - The Fat Lady
Where are you, you big bitch?

> 9.30.04 - Jeromy Burnitz
As the size of Jeromy's moon-shaped head increases, so does the number of huge hits this asshole has against the Dodgers. Were it not for another Dodger comeback, Burnitz's 2-out base hit in the 10th off of Eric Gagne would have been the killer. What an asshole... as are his parents, who apparently took the same name-spelling classes as Jayson Werth's parents.

> 9.29.04 - Brent Mayne
Brent, please do everyone a favor: lift a goddamn weight.

> 9.28.04 - Bottle-throwing fan
So Milton Bradley makes an error in top of the eighth Tuesday, and a fan throws a plastic bottle at him. It's too bad that Bradley—even in a fit of rage—had enough sense not to smash the bottle over the guy's head, and instead slammed it to the ground. Fans need to get roughed up occasionally... maybe not with a chair, but plastic bottles are definitely reasonable.

> 9.27.04 - Milton Bradley
Milton Bradley got the game-winning hit Monday night—a huge one for the Dodgers. After the hit, though, Bradley held up four fingers, proudly telling his not-so-smart teammates what their magic number stands at. Confidence is great. Cockiness, however, is risky—especially when the baseball Gods are watching. Don't be surprised if you see Milton waving those same four fingers for another few days.

> 9.25.04 - Thom Brennaman
According to Fox announcer Thom Brennaman, Shawn Green spent the day Saturday celebrating Yom Kippur. Uh, Thom, it's the Jewish day of atonement—you don't get presents and have parties. You don't celebrate. It's not Christmas. Asshole.

> 9.24.04 - Jim Tracy
Hell, it's only the last week of the season. It's only the Dodgers and Giants. It's only a one-run game. It's only the ninth inning. Only two guys on base. Hey, perfect time to give Jose Flores his first at-bat of the season. Really brilliant.

> 9.24.04 - Odalis Perez
Hey Odalis, maybe you haven't heard... Barry Bonds is third on the all-time home run list. You throw him another strike, and Dodger Blues will personally drive up to San Francisco and rip that 'fro off your goddamn head. [Of course now, after we wrote that, Perez has struck out Bonds twice. No matter, still not smart to pitch to the guy.]

> 9.23.04 - Ed Montague
Montague, the home plate umpire on Thursday, stole a run from the Dodgers on a shitty call, and then made a couple calls that send Robin Ventura into a violent rage. It takes a hell of a lot to get Ventura's blood boiling, so Montague has got to be an asshole. Asshole.

> 9.21.04 - Jim Tracy
If the Dodgers don't make it to the playoffs, you can thank you-know-who. Why? Because of games like Tuesday's, when Tracy lets his starting pitcher stand out there on the mound until the game is out of reach. Yeah, you don't have the greatest pen, but you roll the dice and hope a guy like Elmer Dessens can throw a scoreless inning or two. At this point in the season, you roll the fucking dice. Down 4-2 in the fifth, it was obvious to everyone on Earth but Jim Tracy that Jeff Weaver was walking a tightrope. A good manager takes him out before he falls off the tightrope and smashes his head on the ground below. Jim Tracy, however, leaves him out there until he gives up a huge bomb and the Dodgers are down by five. Asshole.

> 9.19.04 - Sandy Koufax
All because Sandy Koufax supposedly put his faith before baseball during the '65 World Series (missing the series opener because it was being played on Yom Kippur), the Dodgers might be without Shawn Green for two of the three games against the Giants this weekend. Generally we wouldn't mind if Green sat out a couple games, but his game-winning home run on Sunday has us thinking the Dodgers might actually need him. What the Dodgers really need is for Sandy Koufax to sit down with Green and admit to him the real reason he missed that game in '65: nasty diarrhea. (Or in lieu of that disclosure, a quality start from Koufax would be nice.)

> 9.17.04 - Barry Bonds
Apparently Barry forgot that all huge home runs are supposed to come off Dodger pitchers. Asshole.

> 9.16.04 - Michael Mahan
Hoping to get Barry Bonds' 700th home run ball, this guy bought 6,500 tickets in the right field pavilion for two of the three final games of the season. Allegedly a Dodger fan, Mahan is looking to profit from the goddamn Giants. He's an asshole for that alone, but for this as well: Now that Bonds is pretty much assured of getting his 700th before then, Mahan has been selling off the tickets for $15—to people who sign an 8-page contract compelling them to hand over any Bonds ball. Bleacher seats for $15? Under contract? That's straight dick. You can only hope for one scenario: Bonds goes into a slump and doesn't hit his 700th til the last weekend... the ball sails into the right field stands... it slams off Mahan's face, his 8-year-old brother picks it up, and, as blood gushes from his older brother's eyes, the kid throws the ball back on the field.

> 9.14.04 - Yhency Brazoban
Yhency Brazoban has an ERA of 0.78... which is terrific, except that it means he's saving his shitty outings for the last two weeks of the season. Yhency, if you're going to give up 7 runs in a third of an inning, just do it now. Get it out of your system. Don't wait until you're facing the Giants. Asshole.

> 9.13.04 - Father Time
A 3 hour, 40 minute game is just too goddamn long on a weeknight. Too tired to update the site. Time is an asshole (along with Jim Tracy for bringing Scott Stewart into a 2-run game without having anyone throwing behind him).

> 9.10.04 - Tony La Russa
What, still bitter about '88 you shithead? Go make out with your boyfriend Dave Duncan. Asshole.

> 9.7.04 - Jeff Hamilton
Word from Ross Porter is that former Dodger Jeff Hamilton is working at a bait shop these days. No joke. A bait shop. The guy once played third base in the major leagues, and now he sells worms. He's a disgrace to the Dodgers, major league baseball, and worms. Asshole.

> 9.6.04 - Andy Ashby
The San Diego Padres have called up former Dodger disaster Andy Ashby. Which only means one thing: with the division on the line in late September, Ashby will strike out Adrian Beltre with the bases loaded to ruin the Dodgers' season. Skinny asshole.

> 9.4.04 - Adrian Beltre
The Dodgers are losing to the Cardinals in the eighth inning Saturday, and Adrian Beltre has the balls to immediately ask the umpire for the ball after knocking in his 100th run of the season. The only number that should have meant anything to Beltre was 4—the number of runs they were behind after his hit. Instead, all Beltre could think about was 100. Adrian, let someone in the dugout ask for the ball. At least pretend that your're not paying attention to your own numbers. Asshole.

> 9.3.04 - Jason Grabowski
Grabowski botched two plays in the 2nd inning Friday, letting one ball go off his glove, and jumping awkwardly at another one. Jason, is it possible that you're blind? Dude, there's nothing to be embarassed about. Just come clean.

> 9.2.04 - Dodger bobblehead commercials
Enough, goddammit. Enough.

> 9.1.04 - Joe West
Second base umpire Joe West took away at least a run from the Dodgers with a terrible call in the 4th inning on Wednesday. Hey Joe, how would you like it if we took away, say a cheeseburger, from you? Yeah, not so cool, huh? Heavy asshole.

> 8.29.04 - Paul DePodesta
Paul DePodesta acknowledged Saturday that he's leaning toward giving Jim Tracy and his coaching staff a contract extension. First of all, let's hope he's full of shit, but if he's not, why announce that now? Why not let Tracy sweat it out a little longer? Why reward him for starting Brent Mayne every goddamn day? Asshole.

> 8.25.04 - Fan Forum dickhead(s)
Apparently some of you assholes in the fan forum (and you know who you are) have been posting phony messages from Dodger Blues. To those people we have this to say: May you wake up in bed next to Rick Monday... and then die and go to hell. Dodger Blues does NOT monitor the Fan Forum (unless people tell us that fuckers are posting under our name). And we sure as hell don't post messages in there. We've got plenty of other shit to keep us busy. Keep it up and we'll shut the whole goddamn thing down. Then you can go back to Dodgers.com where you can't write ballsack, shitface, or vagina. Assholes.

> 8.23.04 - Adrian Beltre
With the Dodgers up by seven runs in the 9th inning on Tuesday, Adrian Beltre struck out. Some MVP he is. Asshole.

> 8.22.04 - Jim Tracy
Hey, you stupid shit-- what the hell are you waiting for? It's been obvious since Odalis Perez's first pitch of the game that he didn't have shit, but you leave him in to give up three home runs, nine hits, seven runs... before you even get anyone up in the pen. Sure, you used the bullpen for seven innings on Sunday, and it's the beginning of a long road trip, but you just don't throw away a game in the 4th inning. You pull Odalis last week when he's pitching beautifully, and you leave him in when he gets bombed. You're a moron. And an asshole.

> 8.21.04 - Elmer Dessens
Great start to what figures to be a very short Dodger career. Asshole.

> 8.20.04 - Leo Mazzone
Stop rocking or we'll tie you to a fucking palm tree.

> 8.19.04 - Eric Gagne
Hate to do it, but we've got no choice. We allowed him to be human for a day. Two days, no friggin' way. Get it together, fatty.

> 8.18.04 - Fans in the Bleachers
Dodgers up by a run. Two outs in the ninth. Tying run on third base. Eric Gagne facing Paul Lo Duca. And fans in the bleachers are knocking around a beachball. Enough said.

> 8.17.04 - Steve Finley
Hee-Seop Choi is batting .200 as a Dodger. Brent Mayne is batting .160. Brad Penny is on the shelf. It would be really easy to call DePodesta's trade a disaster... if it wasn't for Steve Finley, that Diamondbacks son-of-a-bitch. Since joining the Dodgers, Finley is hitting .452 with six doubles, two home runs, and 10 RBIs. Really making it tough for us to completely bash that deal.

> 8.16.04 - Sonia Lo Duca
Forget about losing Paul Lo Duca—losing his wife, Sonia, is far more painful. And she had to rub it in on Monday, sitting behind home plate to support her stocky little husband.

> 8.15.04 - Vin Scully
We don't care if traveling is tough on Vinny. Fact is, he's got no right to stay at home and leave us in the hands of Rick Monday. That's just cruel.

> 8.13.04 - Rob Drake
Rob Drake, the third base umpire on Friday, has a lilttle something to learn: when you stand behind the third baseman, there's a pretty good friggin' chance you can't see what's going on in front of the thrid baseman. Rob, try practicing at home. Go into the bathroom and close the door. Now look at your bedroom. What, can't see the bedroom? Can't see through the door? Very interesting. Now open the bathroom door. Wow, look at that, there's the bedroom. Asshole.

> 8.11.04 - Milton Bradley
In an article on ESPN.com, Milton Bradley admits it's "time to grow up." For the love of God, Milton, please don't grow up. Watching you flag down balls in the outfield is fun and all, but nothing beats a tantrum. If you want to be a man, get a Playboy subscription. Or leave the toilet seat up. Or piss in the shower. But whatever you do, DON'T GROW UP.

> 8.8.04 - Brett Myers
If ever there was an asshole, here's our guy. Brett Myers, the Phillies starter on Sunday. All you have to do is look at him. Apparently he was a real dick when he came up to the majors in 2002, which is really no surprise if you just look at the guy. He just looks like an asshole. Asshole.

> 8.8.04 - Paul DePodesta
Paul, next time you acquire a pitcher who's rumored to have arm problems, you might actually want to see if there's any truth to the rumor. Brad Penny is gone after 3 batters on Sunday... nice. And congrats to the Dodger trainer who let Penny throw another painful pitch to test his arm—real smart.

> 8.6.04 - Jim Tracy
A lot of guys had lousy games on Friday, but since there are too many to name, it's easier to just rip Tracy. You choose the reason.

> 8.5.04 - Baseball Tonight
So they show a highlight of Padres shortstop Khalil Greene and mention that he's a Gold Glove candidate. "Well, he'll have to beat out Renteria," says Harold Reynolds. Yes, Greene and Renteria are good shortstops, but let's give the guys at ESPN a little tip: there's a guy out here in L.A. named Cesar Izturis. This guy named Cesar just happens to be leading all everyday shortstops in the major leagues in fielding percentage. And if you look at Zone Rating (the percentage of balls cleanly fielded in one's "zone," which is a defined area between the two holes), Greene is at .841, Renteria is at .850, and Cesar? .868. The guy is smooth, has a great arm, and turns the double play as good as anyone. Open your fucking eyes, you Connecticut bastards.

> 8.4.04 - Steve Finley
Sore hamstring? What, is he 39 or something?

> 8.3.04 - Hee Seop Choi
Choi takes Mike Marshall's uniform number? How dare he. Is nothing sacred?

> 8.2.04 - Kim Ng
You know, we've been spending the last few days tearing DePodesta a new one, but let's not forget assistant GM Kim Ng's involvement in this whole thing. If it weren't for Kim baking brownies and making sandwiches, DePodesta might have gotten hungry while he was trading away half the team. And when Paul spilled some chips on the floor (right about the time he was giving Dave Roberts away), Kim was there to vacuum them up. For her integral role in those hellish trades, Kim is an asshole.

> 8.1.04 - Steve Finley
If Steve Finley is truly coming over to the Dodgers to win a World Series, then he'd do what's best for the team. And what's best for the team is Milton Bradley in center. Bradley did the decent thing by volunteering to move to left, but Finley should have been the one to move over. Period. And to top it off, the guy takes Lo Duca's uniform number.

> 7.31.04 - Jim Tracy
An important series in San Diego, and Jim Tracy doesn't put Paul Lo Duca behind the plate? The Dodgers are up by a run in the 8th, and Tracy doesn't put in Guillermo Mota? And why does Shawn Green suddenly look like a 6'5" Asian guy? And who's the guy in right field who looks like Green? What the hell is going on?

> 7.31.04 - Paul DePodesta
And it only gets worse. After dealing Lo Duca and Mota, DePodesta now deals Roberts. And Martin. And three promising minor leaguers. Dodger fans and Dodger players (what's left of them, at least) are being treated like total shit. Fans are showing up in record numbers this year, and the thanks we get: Brent Mayne. Just fucking putrid. It's obvious that DePodesta believed that he had a deal in place for Randy Johnson, but apparently counted his chickens before they hatched. Once the Johnson deal fell through, DePodesta freaked out and now we've got Yhency Brazoban in the bullpen.

> 7.30.04 - Paul DePodesta
Well, we gave DePodesta a chance to avoid being asshole of the moment (see below), but he blew it. So much for this guy being bright. On the verge of a big series with San Diego, he's managed to piss off the entire Dodger clubhouse, a shitload of Dodger fans, and the people who made the Lo Duca bobblehead commercials. Big, big, big goddamn mistake.

> 7.30.04 - Paul DePodesta
Ok, he's not an asshole quite yet, but he's definitely got the potential to be one in the next 24 hours. We like the guy and we'd like to believe that he won't make a trade just for the sake of making a trade, but the rumors are a little frightening. Despite whatever problems the Dodgers have, they're in first place. For whatever reason, their fucked up roster is working. Paul, if it ain't broke, don't fix it (unless fixing it involves getting rid of Juan Encarnacion). It would be one thing if the team was losing—then it would make sense to shake up the team. But they're not losing. Why do we get the feeling that Kevin Malone is hanging around Dodger Stadium? If DePodesta loses Lo Duca, we lose a lot of respect for DePodesta—especially if Lo Duca ends up in Arizona.

> 7.28.04 - Jim Tracy
Yeah, you thought Jeromy Burnitz would be Asshole of the Moment, but Jim Tracy took it away from him in the 4th inning Wednesday. With the bases loaded and nobody out, Tracy allowed Jose Lima to swing away. If you give Lima the take sign, worst thing that can happen is he strikes out and the Dodgers still have the bases loaded with one out. Instead, Lima grounds into a 5-2-3 double-play and the inning is fucked. Brilliant decision.

> 7.26.04 - The State of Colorado
Baseball should not be played in Colorado. Period. It's amazing that a mile of altitude can make that much difference, but it does. And it's ridiculous. It's not major league baseball that's played at Coors Field. It's a fucking little league game. Stupid mountains.

> 7.25.04 - Frank McCourt
The Dodgers are expected to announce tomorrow that Howard Sunkin, a lobbyist, has been appointed as a senior vice president of the team. Just so happens that Sunkin has extensive experience working with developers. How much the guy knows about baseball is debatable, but there's no denying the fact that Sunkin knows all about knocking down buildings and putting up housing developments. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together (just don't ask Pedro Guerrero, because he'll say "five").

> 7.23.04 - Scum of the Universe
It was Wednesday's game. I'm sitting there in pretty decent seats. All is good until the 3rd inning when the Scum of the Universe shows up and happens to be sitting next to me. He wastes no time lighting up and blowing the smoke in my face. (Sign #1 that this guy is the Scum of the Universe.) Then, after every pitch, ground ball, or bite of bacon cheeseburger, the guy repeatedly smashes his hands against the empty seat in front of him with enough force to crush an airplane. Any human being would have broken their hands after about 15 seconds of this, but this guy wasn't human. (Sign #2 that this guy is the Scum of the Universe.) Then, of course, he's yelling his fucking head off about who knows what. And not just yelling, but making sounds like a bear. The only time he'd shut up was when he was shoving nacho cheese sauce in his mouth. (Sign #3 that this guy is the Scum of the Universe.) I switched seats after the 5th inning, but this guy obviously left an impression on me. So I have this to say to the beast: When the Dodgers are choking in late September, I hope you're choking from lung cancer. Die scum, die.

> 7.22.04 - Jeff Shaw
Eric Gagne pitched a 1-2-3 ninth on Thursday. Struck out the side. His 28th save. Dodger fans have become spoiled the last couple years, so let's take a minute to look back a bit. Jeff Shaw was the Dodger closer. Somehow he managed to save a lot of games, but holy christ, he was frightening to watch. The guy got pounded. The guy was not good. When you start taking Eric Gagne for granted, think about Jeff Shaw. Asshole.

> 7.20.04 - Adrian Beltre
You're an asshole, Adrian. We watch you suck for six years. And now, on the verge of free-agency, you're suddenly a ballplayer. It would be fun to watch you play—if it wasn't for the pain in knowing that we'll be watching you hit 50 home runs for the Giants next year. Asshole.

> 7.18.04 - Joe Morgan and Jon Miller
These guys were in rare form Sunday. Talked for five minutes about how they don't know too many guys named Elmer. Fascinated by the way the sun hits the field when the roof is closed. Two 6-year-olds could have done the same fucking thing.

> 7.17.04 - Milton Bradley
Who do you think you are? Just to remind you, you're Milton Bradley. When you get drilled in the head with a pitch, you charge the mound—do you understand? As Milton Bradley, it's your duty. You can't let opportunities like that pass you by. Asshole.

> 7.15.04 - Shawn Green
One game-winning grand slam doesn't get you off the hook. Sure, it was the first time you actually hit a home run when it mattered, but don't get cocky. We're watching you.

> 7.12.04 - Dodger Blues
Dodger Blues was so broken up about Gagne's streak ending that we went on a week long bender with Ken Landreaux. Woke up next to conjoined hookers from Botswana. We're assholes. Deal with it.

> 7.11.04 - Shawn Green
Olmedo Saenz has 4 homers in 61 at bats. Green has 10 homers in over 300 at bats. That reeks of asshole.

> 7.5.04 - Olmedo Saenz
Nobody cares about the pinch-hit homer. Alex Cora is paid to field ground balls. You're not. You killed Gagne's streak. Douchebag.

> 7.2.04 - Jim Tracy
See what happens when you pitch to Bonds? Asshole.

> 6.29.04 - Noah Lowry
Two hits, one walk and nine strikeouts in seven innings against the Dodgers and nobody knows who you are. I'll tell you who you are. You're an asshole.

> 6.24.04 - Adrian Beltre and Dave Ross
When Eric Gagne is about to beat the living crap out of a Giants player, you goddamn better let him do it. Assholes.

> 6.19.04 - Jose Hernandez
You're ten fucking feet from first base and you throw the ball away. Christ, even Steve Sax is shaking his head. You had enough time to pack the ball with bubble wrap, take it to the post office, and mail the goddamn ball to first. Asshole.

> 6.16.04 - Kevin Brown
With Brown on the DL and the Yankees coming to town, there's no better time to revel in the man's frailness and shitty attitude.

> 6.12.04 - Jayson Werth
You strike out against a postion player, you're an asshole. Period.

> 6.9.04 - Timothy Elbert
As the Dodgers' first-round pick in the 2004 draft, Elbert figures not to make it past rookie ball. Combine a shoulder injury with a freak lion attack, and Elbert will be as good as done.

> 6.4.04 - Jayson Werth
What an asshole. We write that Jayson Werth will never hit a home run for the Dodgers, and less than 24 hours later, he hits one. We don't take kindly to players trying to make Dodger Blues look bad. Jayson, you're a dick.... with a stupid 'y'.

> 6.3.04 - Jayson Werth
So, Jayson Werth—who had one at-bat earlier this year—hits 3 home runs in a rehab game in Vegas. Guaranteed he never hits one for the Dodgers.

> 6.1.04 - Lon Rosen
Officially, Lon Rosen is the Dodgers new executive vice president of marketing. To us, however, Lon Rosen is an asshole. Monday it was revealed that a team mascot may be in Rosen's plans. Let's hope that Wednesday it's revealed that Rosen's testicles have caught fire.

> 5.30.04 - Shawn Green fans
Yeah, the guy got a couple base hits this weekend. It doesn't mean he's out of his slump. Keep your dirty panties on.

> 5.26.04 - Daryle Ward
Apparently the cheeseburgers are better in Pittsburgh. Daryle Ward hits like .105 in LA, and the Pirates call him up and he's suddenly Barry Bonds. A .367 average, 6 home runs, 16 RBIs... all in 49 at-bats. The guy didn't hit a single home run in 109 at-bats with the Dodgers last year. Now he's averaging one every 8 at-bats. May he choke on an ice cream sandwich.

> 5.25.04 - Alex Cora
Alex, you suck. You have no right batting .310. You foul off 18 pitches, and suddenly you think you're Tony Gwynn. Cut that shit out so we can all make fun of you again.

> 5.21.04 - Shawn Green
Shawn, next time you're up with the bases loaded, just stand their quietly and hold the bat. Do not swing. The worst that can happen is you strike out. We'll take that.

> 5.20.04 - Kaz Ishii
For the love of God, throw a goddamn strike once in a while.

> 5.19.04 - Middle of the Order
The Dodgers' 3-4-5-6 hitters went 3-for-17 on Wednesday... and that's one of their better games of late. Either they get it together really fucking quick, or we start pushing for Olmedo to bat cleanup.

> 5.18.04 - Jason Grabowski
So, we name Jim Tracy Asshole of the Moment for putting Grabowski in the lineup, and the next day he hits two home runs. Putz.

> 5.16.04 - Jim Tracy
Here's a thought: a lineup without Grabowski. Think about it, Jim.

> 5.15.04 - Tim Wallach
If you can't teach Dodger pitchers how to bunt, find someone who can. It's getting really fucking old.

> 5.13.04 - Tom Goodwin
Tom Fuckin' Goodwin. The man who hit about .202 as a Dodger. Has two hits against them on Thursday. Skinny bitch.

> 5.11.04 - Hundley's Surgeon
We were hoping that doctors would use Todd Hundley's hip operation as an excuse to permanently affix crutches to his torso, but apparently the surgery went as expected... which means he'll be back under the knife in a couple months.

> 5.9.04 - Tom Martin
When you're brought into the game and walk in consecutive runs, you're Asshole of the Moment. Period.

> 5.7.04 - Raul Mondesi
Personal business? Afraid of Wilson Alvarez is what he is.

> 5.6.04 - Raul Mondesi
In anticipation of him hitting three home runs against the Dodgers this weekend (and throwing out Alex Cora at the plate), Raul is Asshole of the Moment.

> 5.4.04 - Vin Scully
So Vin Scully doesn't accompany the Dodgers on their road trip, and we're left to listen to Rick Monday. Asshole.

> 5.1.04 - Dodgers' Ad Agency
The bobblehead craze began to die off about two years ago everywhere else in the country, but we'll forget about that. What we won't forget about, however, is the fact that the 2004 Dodger ad campaign is a fucking disaster—a disaster that will surely lead to smashed TVs if it contines. Watching those goddamn bobbleheads drive into the stadium, ride up the escalator, and yell advice to Paul Lo Duca is worse than watching an Olmedo Saenz at-bat. Painful.

> 4.29.04 - Jim Tracy
Jim Tracy plays it by the books so tightly that you'd think the book is shoved up his ass. Pinch-hitting Olmedo Saenz for Robin Ventura simply because of the left-handed/right-handed shit is just ridiculous. But he's got to play the percentages. Play the percentages. Play the percentages. How about this percentage: Jim Tracy is an idiot 100% of the time. Ventura has been around for 70 years—had some success too. You think he's had a few at-bats against lefties? Yeah, we think so. But someone apparently needs to inform Jim.

> 4.27.04 - Frank McCourt
If you haven't heard, Dodger owner Frank McCourt purchased a Holmby Hills house last week for $25 million. Dodger fans should take comfort knowing that their parking fees are going towards something important: 10 bathrooms for Jamie McCourt to douche in.

> 4.24.04 - Dodger Fans
Look, you fuckers: If you want to holler like a retarded 4-year-old every time a goddamn beachball comes within 50 feet of you, go to the goddamn beach. Or a park. Or back to the jail cell you just came from. Go ruin someone else's night—not the nights of the eleven people at the stadium who are actually trying to watch a crappy game.

> 4.23.04 - Not Jim Tracy
Well, he finally learned.

> 4.18.04 - Jim Tracy
Paul Lo Duca is leading the league in batting and is coming off a 4-hit game against the Giants. So Jim Tracy sits him on Sunday—wants to keep him fresh for the whole season. The off day on Monday isn't enough? Keeping Lo Duca fresh is nice, but how about sweeping the fucking Giants? And if that isn't enough, we can now add this: With first base open in the 6th inning, and the Dodgers up by just four, the Dodgers elect to pitch to Bonds. Question: How stupid do you have to be to pitch to Barry Bonds in that situation? Answer: as stupid as Jim Tracy. Stupid asshole.

> 4.15.04 - Jackie Robinson
Just kidding-- relax.

> 4.12.04 - Bubba Crosby
Bubba Crosby has five at-bats so far this season for the Yankees. Two home runs and five RBIs. This is the same guy who hit .083 in limited play with the Dodgers last year and could hardly hit the ball out of the infield. Hmmm, a guy who's lousy in L.A. and then comes into his own elsewhere? Gee, that never happens.

> 4.11.04 - Jeromy Burnitz
Two home runs in two games against the Dodgers, his former team. His former city. His former fans. All the love we showed him for half a season, and this is the way he treats us? That's ok, he looks like the moon.

> 4.9.04 - Todd Hollandsworth
Here at Dodger Blues we're not too happy when a former Dodger even gets a base hit, let alone hits a game-tying home run off John Smoltz with two outs in the ninth inning. That's what Todd Hollandsworth did on Friday. And for that: asshole!

> 4.7.04 - Kevin Brown
While it wasn't particularly painful to see him and his $15 million salary dealt, it is painful to see that he's already 2-0 as a Yankee. Grumpy bastard.

> 4.5.04 - Adrian Beltre
So, Beltre is pissed that he's been moved to the seventh spot in the lineup. Feels that he was deceived by Jim Tracy, who promised him the third spot before the acqusition of Milton Bradley. Frankly, Beltre hasn't done a goddamn thing to prove he deserves to hit third, and if he cares at all about the team winning, he'll shut his f'ing trap. "I'm not happy about it, but I'm not going to show it," Beltre said, right before expressing his unhappiness. Beltre might have one point, however: It wouldn't hurt Jim Tracy to learn a little bit about communication.

> 4.4.04 - Kaz Ishii
Maybe not an asshole, but unfortunately we don't have a place for "piece of crap of the moment." This guy is fucking terrible.

> 4.4.04 - Milton Bradley
Welcome, asshole.

> 4.3.04 - Steve Physioc and Rex Hudler
Yeah, the Angels might have Vladimir Guerrero, but they've also got Steve Physioc and Rex Hudler, who make Rick Monday seem like Vin Scully.

> 4.3.04 - Milton Bradley
With the LA Times reporting that the Dodgers might consider trading for pain-in-the-ass Cleveland Indians outfielder Milton Bradley, it's our duty to give Paul DePodesta our advice: do it. Bradley is such an asshole that it's practically guaranteed that he'll get in fights, talk shit, maybe even get arrested. Here at Dodger Blues we encourage such behavior—it gives us something to write about (other than how bad the team is). So please, trade for the asshole.

> 4.1.04 - Paul Shuey
Shuey fall down go boom. Out two months. Maybe Paul Shuey's Friend can rub his thumb, make it feel better.

> 3.31.04 - Bubba Trammell
It figured that Bubba would be Asshole of the Moment at least a few times this season; however, now that he's been released, we'd better make the most of this moment: Bubba the A-hole.

> 3.30.04 - Holman Stadium
We're a bit late on this one, since spring training is wrapping up, but that fucking bell noise they play at Holman Stadium anytime a ball is hit has GOT to go. There's a reason no one is in the stands, and it has nothing to do with the product on the field.

> 3.28.04 - Brian Jordan
Brian Jordan couldn't just take his millions and leave quietly. Now with Texas, Jordan recently whined to reporters about how he was treated by the Dodgers—specifically accusing the Dodgers of lying to him about his medical condition. While there may indeed be something to that, no one in LA cares, and it's in the past... so let it fuckin' go.

> 3.21.04 - Olmedo Saenz
Saenz, a non-roster invitee with a chance to make the team as a back-up infielder, needs to change his fucking name. It's terrible. Almost as bad as Yhency Brazoban.

> 3.19.04 - Frank McCourt
If you're going to raise parking to $10, Robin Ventura had better not be starting at first base come April 5th. Nobody gives a shit how much Staples Center, the Coliseum, or the Rose Bowl charge for parking—if you raise prices without raising the quality of the product on the field, people are going to be VERY quick to raise the finger. Asshole.

> 3.17.04 - Jamie McCourt
Settle down there, Jamie. It's one thing to be agressive and driven. It's quite another to just be a bitch.

> 3.15.04 - Dodger Blues
Yeah, yeah.... we suck. No updates for almost 2 weeks. Assholes.

> 3.4.04 - Tommy Lasorda
During the GM search, Tommy comes out supporting Pat Gillick. Now, he's singing the praises of Paul DePodesta, saying he's one of the bright young minds in the game. Sure, now that PDP is the GM, he doesn't really have a choice but to support him, but it's time for Old Fatty to be Asshole of the Moment.

> 3.3.04 - Dodgers' Offense
Well, it looks like the Dodgers didn't waste any time shooting their wad. After scoring 13 runs against the Mets on Wednesday in their first Grapefruit League game, it's a good bet they won't score a total of 13 runs the rest of the season. Jolby, that big tease.

> 3.1.04 - Jeff Weaver
In the Dodgers first intra-squad game of the spring, Jason Romano hit Weaver's second pitch over the fence. Guys had to yell tips to Romano so he'd know how to round the bases. Great start for Weaver. Schmuck.

> 2.28.04 - Kevin Brown
We're all so happy to see that Kevin Brown is smiling these days. What a terrible few years for the poor guy... it all began in 1999 when someone put a gun to his head and forced him to sign a $105 million dollar contract. Dick.

> 2.24.04 - Frank McCourt
So, Frank McCourt says that his 22-year-old son will have to interview for a job with the Dodgers. That should be a tough interview. "So, Drew, who's office would you like to take over?"

> 2.20.04 - Scott Boras
Can't win 'em all, Borass. Eric Gagne had a major fuckin' season, but lost his arbitration case on Thursday and will only make $5 million this year. Apparently Scott Boras was too consumed with the A-Rod trade to pay off Gagne's arbitrators. What kind of agent can only get his Cy Young award-winning client $5 million? How's Eric supposed to live on that?

> 2.18.04 - Paul De Podesta
Hey, it's never too early.

> 2.17.04 - Bill Plaschke
According to LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke, apparently De Podesta is too young and too smart for the Dodger job. (Although we've got to remember, of course, that that's coming from someone who's too old and too dumb.)

> 2.16.04 - George Steinbrenner
OK, yesterday we defended Steinbrenner, saying the problem is with baseball, not the Yankees. But after hearing rumors of Greg Maddux going to the Bronx, we've had a slight change of heart. F Steinbrenner. F Brian Cashman. F the Yankees. F Scott Boras. F Reggie Jackson. Hell, F Rudy Giuliani too. And New York pizza.

> 2.15.04 - Major League Baseball
Baseball is in serious trouble. When a team is allowed to field superstars at practically every position (at the cost of nearly $200 million), things are pretty fucking out of whack. It makes it that much more nauseating that it's the Yankees (since we all hate them anyway), but this is a problem with baseball, not George Steinbrenner. Well, so much for a Beltre-to-NY trade.

> 2.12.04 - Peter Gammons
We truly hope that Gammons is right in his reporting that De Podesta will be hired this weekend, but we can't pass up this opportunity to call Gammons out for what he is: a really, really old dude. He's so old, his hair is no longer white... it's turning yellow. It's like he urinates on himself—upside down.

> 2.10.04 - Ruben Amaro Jr.
Ruben Amaro Jr., Asisstant GM for the Phillies, interviewed for the Dodger GM position on Tuesday. While Amaro seems like a nice enough guy, and has supposedly helped the Phillies (although only once did they finish higher than 3rd place in Amaro's five years with the club), he is not the guy for the Dodger job. DePodesta is our man. Amaro, he's just an asshole getting in the way.

> 2.6.04 - Corey Busch
The point man on the Fox-to-McCourt transition team, Corey Bush was officially hired as a consultant on Friday. And with his credentials, you can understand why. Let's see: First, all four of the new-stadium campaigns Busch engineered were overwhelmingly rejected by Bay Area voters in the late 80s and early 90s. Then, he left baseball in 1992 and became chairman and chief executive of Golden Gate Productions, an independent television production and sports marketing company that soon folded. Oh, almost forgot... Busch spent ten years as the Giants' executive vice president, where he oversaw all non-baseball departments. Nothing more impressive then overseeing non-baseball departments for a BASEBALL team. Thrilled to have him.

> 2.3.04 - Steve Schott
It's clear that the Dodgers are hot for Oakland GM Billy Beane. However, A's owner Steve Schott has said that he won't give the Dodgers permission to speak to Beane—and you can't blame him. His recent signing of Eric Karros notwithstanding, Beane is a smart mother fucker and an owner of a small-market team would be crazy to let him go. Yet, as Dodger fans, we have no choice but to name Schott the Asshole of the Moment.

> 1.29.04 - Kevin Malone
In the midst of all this anti-McCourt sentiment, let's not get carried away and forget about Kevin Malone—THAT guy was a true asshole.

> 1.25.04 - MLB Owners
In anticipation of a McCourt approval later in the week, we have a message for the owners: you're bad, bad people.

> 1.22.04 - T.J. Simers
Obviously losing his mind after having too many conversations with Jim Tracy, Simers suggested in his column earlier this week that the Dodgers should have signed Adrian Beltre to a multi-year deal. In response, we suggest that Simers put on his ugly glasses and take a look at Beltre's statistics. They tell the story.

> 1.21.04 - LA City Council
Only now, after McCourt is edging ever closer to having his purchase of the Dodgers approved, does the LA City Council pass a resolution encouraging Major League Baseball to pursue local ownership for the Dodgers. Nice friggin' timing.

> 1.18.04 - Bill Plaschke
Bill Plaschke is a cruel, cruel man. On Sunday, Plaschke teased us with thoughts of Peter O'Malley's return. That's not nice. Also, Plaschke's last name is virtually impossible to spell.

> 1.17.04 - Bob Daly
Suck me, Bob. No one gives a fuck what you have to say.

> 1.12.04 - Dan Evans
We've given Dan a break by releasing him of responsibility in the Guerrero fiasco, but if he's truly attempting to sign Jeremy Giambi, Evans is back on our shit list. Look Dan, if you can't bring in guys who will make a difference, don't bother bringing in anyone. We guarantee you that the 600 people at the game would rather see a bunch of minor leaguers than Bubba Trammell and Jeremy Giambi.

> 1.10.04 - The Big Dodger in the Sky
Yes, for years the big guy in the sky bled Dodger blue. Sadly, though, it appears that he's bled to death.

> 1.8.04 - Hall of Fame voters
The results of this year's Hall of Fame voting were released on Tuesday. Apparently three voters felt that Jim Eisenreich should be in the Hall of Fame. Two voters thought Juan Samuel deserved to be elected. Forget about Pete Rose—it's these voters who should be banned from baseball. Jim Eisenreich in the fucking Hall of Fame? What, because he overcame a twitch? Juan Samuel? The guy has a career .259 batting average. It's a joke. Honestly, these people never should be allowed to vote again—for the Hall of Fame, for governor, or for the goddamn P.T.A.

> 1.7.04 - LA Times
The Los Angeles Times today identified the Dodgers' general manager as "Jim Evans." The thought of Jim Tracy and Dan Evans melded into one is just too much to take early in the morning. Or any other time of day.

> 1.6.04 - Dan Evans
When Dan Evans say that he can "neither confirm or deny" whether he's made Vladimir Guerrero an offer, it means one thing: He doesn't even know who Vladimir Guerrero is.

> 1.1.04 - Vin Scully
Just kidding-- relax.