.2007

> 12.25.07 - Santa Claus
I ask for HGH, and all I get are socks. What an asshole.

> 12.18.07 - The Front Office
Assuring that no one in the organization will have time to get to know eachother, evaluate talent, or even sleep, the Dodgers will be splitting time in Spring Training between Florida, Arizona, China, Anaheim, and Los Angeles. Sounds pretty logical.

> 12.17.07 - Frank McCourt
Two weeks ago, the Dodgers hired Charles Steinberg—a devoted Bostonian—as executive VP of public relations and marketing. On Friday, Camille Johnston, the Dodgers senior VP of communications who had been with the team for two years and had managed to actually improve the McCourts' image, announced she was calling it quits. "Resignation," was the term used, but all indications are that she was pushed out by an owner who still hasn't learned anything. When the turnover rate of front-office execs practically matches the turnover rate of players on the field, it's pretty safe to call the owner an asshole. What the hell... and his wife, too.

> 12.13.07 - Bill Plaschke
"By the time Gagne and Brown were at their Dodgers peak in the 2003 season, it was obvious to me that both players were probably on steroids," writes Bill Plaschke in an article published Friday. "You can no longer believe Gagne's record 84-game save streak. Sorry, it's as phony as he was."

You want to talk phony? How about Bill Plaschke? When Gagne signed with Texas last year, Plaschke sung his praises—despite being convinced he was on steroids: "We'll miss his fist pump. We'll miss his baggy pants. We'll miss his wrinkled shirt and filthy cap and dorky eyewear and killer curve. Mostly, we'll miss his nightly entrance into a stadium that was transformed into a roaring jungle, Dodgers fans bonding together on late summer nights to witness the greatest throws on Earth."

Now, just a year later, Plaschke sees George Mitchell's report and takes the easy opportunity to tear apart Gagne—both the man and his accomplishments. What a fucking joke.

> 12.12.07 - George Mitchell
If Oscar Robles isn't among the 80 players mentioned in the Mitchell Report to be released on Thursday, I'm moving to Iceland.

> 12.10.07 - Eric Gagne
Here's Eric Gagne on October 4, 2005: “I don’t want to be here if we’re just going to play kids and rebuild. Yeah, I put my name on a contract, and I respect that. But the Dodgers’ logo was on top of that contract—not the Milwaukee Brewers or the Las Vegas 51s.” Here's Eric Gagne on December 8, 2007: "What, $10 million? I love the Brewers." Asshole.

> 12.8.07 - Chan Ho Park
A month ago the Dodgers thought they had a deal with Chan Ho Park, but the former Dodger backed out to play in Korea. Thank God, we all thought... but we spoke too soon. Last week the Dodgers apparently finalized the deal with Park, so sadly he's a Dodger once again—albeit a minor-leaguer with an invitation to Spring Training. Can't wait.

> 12.5.07 - Matt Kemp
I'd love the Dodgers to give you a chance, but since you're obviously not long for the team, I'll take this final opportunity to call you out for being an asshole in San Diego this past September. If you're sitting in a sidewalk cafe on Fifth Street an hour after a Dodger/Padre game, don't act put out when a couple of fans happen upon you and politely want to say hello. If you don't want attention, sit the hell inside. Here's hoping you hit .211 next year for Baltimore. Dick.

> 12.1.07 - Randy Wolf
Great to know he'll be throwing shutouts against the Dodgers next year in a Padres uniform.

> 11.26.07 - Raiders fans
Out of the 90,000 seats in the Coliseum, how many do you think will be filled with Raiders fans when the Dodgers play the Red Sox on March 29th? More importantly, how many of them will kick your ass after your son accidentally spills soda on the 400-pounder in front of you?

> 11.21.07 - Torii Hunter
Torii Hunter has signed with the Angels, and while that's fine with me, it probably means one of two things: Ned Colletti will deplete the entire Dodgers farm system to land Miguel Cabrera, or he'll sign Andruw Jones to a 5-year, $85 million deal.

> 11.15.07 - Barry Bonds
Hope the heat in hell reduces your swollen head, Barry. A-hole.

> 11.9.07 - Frank McCourt
Gee, what do you know—another shady McCourt deal in the works. With Spring Training just three months away, the Dodgers still don't know where they'll be playing their games. Florida? China? Phoenix? The Los Angeles Coliseum? Las Vegas? As far as the folks in Vero Beach are concerned, the Dodgers can play their exhibition games in Hell—and you can't blame them for feeling that way. Read the LA Times article.

> 11.4.07 - Luis Gonzalez
Here's Luis Gonzalez on September 26th: "I'm not coming back. You can write that down. It's no secret." Here's Luis Gonzalez on November 3rd: "This is no knock against Grady, but the credibility that Joe [Torre] and his coaches bring is definitely intriguing." No knock against Grady? Of course it's a knock against Grady. Enjoy playing for the Giants, a-hole.

> 11.1.07 - Bud Selig
What an asshole—Selig gives the Dodgers permission to skip the mandatory interviews of minority candidates? There goes my fantasy of Norihiro Nakamura being the next Dodger manager.

> 10.27.07 - Kevin Malone
"By the grace of God, I'm now one of the owners of a Mercedes Benz dealership." That, and ten more minutes of rambling about Jesus Christ from the man who once challenged a Padres fan to a fight.

> 10.23.07 - Dave Jauss
Dodger fans might as well throw in the towel on 2008 now that bench coach Dave Jauss is taking a position with Pittsburgh. What an asshole.

> 10.21.07 - Red Sox fans
You boo J.D. Drew, you boo J.D. Drew, you boo J.D. Drew... and then you give him a fucking standing ovation for hitting a home run. You're just as bad as Dodger fans.

> 10.16.07 - Eric Gagne
Had he been willing to suffer through the season with a measly $5 million or so from the Dodgers, Eric Gagne could be relaxing quietly at home these days. Instead, he's being cursed by millions of Red Sox fans. Aw, poor guy.

> 10.7.07 - Hacker
If you're a user of the DB Fan Forum, you've probably figured out by now that some fuckhole has hacked in and taken control of everything, including my username. When I return from vacation, I'll take care of the situation by finding this dickbag and lighting his balls on fire, but in the meantime, there's not much I can do.

> 9.30.07 - Delino DeShields
Why? Because I happen to be sipping out of a Delino DeShields mug as I'm trying to come up with an Asshole of the Moment. And don't bother asking me why I have a Delino DeShields mug—I have no legitimate excuse.

> 9.26.07 - Chad Moeller
Some people blame this season on Grady Little, others on the injuries, others on the rookies. Personally, I hold Chad Moeller responsible.

> 9.22.07 - Eric Byrnes
He's like Craig Counsell, but with talent. Blond bastard.

> 9.21.07 - Ned Colletti
In 19 innings since joining the Dodgers, Esteban Loaiza has issued 14 walks, has given up 21 hits (including 7 homers), and has allowed 18 earned runs. Good thing Colletti has him locked up for $8 million next year. Wouldn't want a guy like that to get away.

> 9.20.07 - Bill Plaschke
On Tuesday, I crossed a line: I spoke highly of a Bill Plaschke article. Thankfully, with a piece to be published on Friday, he reminds me why I generally set fire to the paper when I see his face. Now that the Dodgers have folded, Plaschke writes that the Dodgers' youth movement has been a failure. Sure, douche, if you're going to judge it on half of a badly-managed season, it's a failure. But a youth movement isn't something that begins and ends in a five month period. Sadly, Plaschke is exactly the reason why it's so hard to have a youth movement in Los Angeles—no one has the patience. Maybe everyone lost their patience reading shitty Plaschke articles.

> 9.18.07 - Frank McCourt
If Frank McCourt knew anything about sports fans, he'd understand the passion they feel... and he'd hire people who also understand that passion. He'd hire people who understand that loving the Dodgers doesn't always mean defending them. He'd hire people who understand that fans need to talk shit—and it doesn't necessarily mean they'll spend less money at the stadium. He'd hire people with nothing up their asses other than a few dingleberries. Instead, people like Josh Rawtich work for the Dodgers. On Sunday, Rawtich—the director of public relations and broadcasting—called Dodger Talk host Bob Harvey during a commercial to tell him that his show was an embarrassment for being overly critical of the organization. Harvey, to his credit, immediately told listeners about the inappropriate call and defended his on-air candor. (Bill Plaschke—writing something interesting for once—details the episode in Wednesday's L.A. Times.) The Dodgers are on the verge of elimination, and we're all supposed to just kiss Ned Colletti's ass? We're supposed to talk about how Grady Little creates great lineups? We're supposed to talk about how excited we are for Jason Schmidt and Esteban Loaiza to win three games next year? What are the Dodgers afraid of—that people actually care? Fucking ridiculous.

> 9.15.07 - Brett Tomko
Unable to pitch an inning for the Dodgers without giving up a run, Tomko pitched six scoreless innings on Saturday for the Padres, leading them to a 6-0 victory over the Giants. Thanks, Brett.

> 9.13.07 - Steve Lyons
You look like a child molester with that facial hair. Shave it, dude.

> 9.11.07 - Brett Tomko
A home run—that's it? Asshole.

> 9.9.07 - Grady Little
Why win today when you can win tomorrow, right Grady? Fucktard.

> 9.8.07 - Rafael Furcal
Hey Raffy, feel free to get a base hit. Or make a good throw. Your choice.

> 9.6.07 - Brent Cookson
Today marks the 38th birthday of Brent Cookson, the outfielder who went 1-for-5 with the Dodgers in 1999. Happy Birthday Brent, you asshole.

> 9.5.07 - Matt Kemp
Enough already. Shit or get off the pot. Or at least lay off pitches that are three feet out of the strike zone.

> 9.3.07 - Scott Proctor
Under the heading of "Uncalled For," you can put Scott Proctor's actions on Monday afternoon. After seeing Proctor land awkwardly and briefly squat after throwing a pitch, trained Stan Conte headed to the mound to check on his guy—only to have his head bitten off. "I'm fine, I'm fine... I'm not coming out," Proctor yelled at Conte as if the trainer had just called him a pussy. Gotta say, I would have pissed myself had Proctor snapped his knee on the next pitch.

> 9.1.07 - Juan Pierre
No matter what Pierre does, he screws up. Had it not been for his completely useless two hits on Saturday against Jake Peavy, I would have finally witnessed a no-hitter. Dick.

> 8.31.07 - Juan Pierre
Where's the ball? Where's the ball? Where's the ball? The same place your head is, Juan—up your own ass.

> 8.28.07 - Frank McCourt
So, Franky is adding all-inclusive clubs on the Field level to improve the fan experience? How about this to improve the fan experience: Hire a general manager who has a clue. (I say that, but sad truth is that the product on the field has very little to do with the fan experience in Los Angeles anymore. Depressing as hell.)

> 8.26.07 - Dodgers.com
The Dodger web site lists David Wells at 250 pounds. Christ, his shits weigh more than 250 pounds.

> 8.25.07 - Tim McCarver
Aside from practically sticking his tongue up Ralph Kiner's ass during the Fox broadcast on Saturday, McCarver was part of this witty banter with partner Kenny Albert when Shea Hillenbrand came to bat:

Albert: It's Shea at Shea.
McCarver: Shea at Shea.

> 8.25.07 - Milton Bradley
He didn't throw a bottle into the stands. He didn't toss a bag of baseballs on the field. He didn't accuse a teammate of being racist. Instead, on Friday, Bradley hit a pair of 3-run homers to help the Padres extend their lead in Wild Card race. Come on, Milton. You've got five weeks to show your true colors and destroy the Padres. Make us proud, asshole.

> 8.24.07 - Ned Colletti
Mark Sweeney, Shea Hillenbrand, Roberto Hernandez, Scott Proctor, David Wells. These are the guys Ned Colletti thinks will get the Dodgers to the postseason? Why bother? Colletti should have either done it right, or done nothing at all. Putz.

> 8.21.07 - This guy
A family member happened to come across this DB shirt-wearing guy at the Del Mar racetrack recently. Apparently he asked to be Asshole of the Moment. Sure, what the hell, he bought a shirt. (Speaking of which, XL and XXL's are now in stock—order now, Olmedo.)

> 8.19.07 - Wilson Betemit
On a day when Scott Proctor gave up a 2-run homer in the eighth inning, the man he was traded for knocked in four runs for the Yankees. Beautiful.

> 8.17.07 - Juan Pierre
Juan, it's terrific that you've suddenly figured out how to hit, but I just put up that contract countdown on the web site like a week ago. Can you help me out and make a couple embarrassing throws so that counter still has some goddamn validity?

> 8.15.07 - Jose Offerman
Still angry that the Dodgers traded him to the Royals twelve years ago for pitcher Billy Brewer (who once had an ERA of 108.00), Jose Offerman took out his aggression during an Independent League game on Tuesday night—hitting people with his bat. Offerman was arrested, which leads me to wonder: Are most of the Dodger hitters not committing crimes every friggin' night?

> 8.14.07 - Mariano Duncan
With two on and the Dodgers down by three in the bottom of the ninth, Mariano Duncan has one responsibility as a first base coach: make sure the runners know how many outs there are. Way to go, Mariano.

> 8.13.07 - Grady Little
Andre Ethier is the only Dodger hitting worth a shit, and where does Grady have him in the lineup? Eighth—so the opposition can pitch around him. It's no different than buying a rose bush, putting it under the sink, and then wondering why the leaves are turning brown. Idiot.

> 8.12.07 - Mike Lieberthal
You blew it, dude. Grady finally gives you a start and you go 0-for-4? Martin's catching the next thirty-two.

> 8.10.07 - Shea Hillenbrand
One of the biggest dickheads in baseball has just been signed to a minor league deal with the Dodgers. He fights with teammates, fights with managers, once called Boston GM Theo Epstein a faggot on the radio, and he's already been released by two teams in Southern California in the past two months. Quality guy, quality signing.

> 8.9.07 - Charley Steiner
Charley, you seem pretty educated, you seem like you have the ability to read. So what's the deal with the name Encarnación? Say it with me phonetically: En-car-nah-cee-own. There's only one R, Charley.

> 8.8.07 - Tim Kurkjian
For the second time in as many weeks, ESPN's Tim Kurkjian stated that Tom Glavine is a better pitcher than Sandy Koufax ever was. It's all because of his longevity, according to Kurkjian. As a DB reader suggests, that must make Julio Franco a better hitter than Ted Williams.

> 8.7.07 - Al Downing
Since the video of Hank Aaron setting the all-time home run record figures to get a little less airplay from now on, perhaps it's a good time to give a little attention to the man who gave up that record-setting home run. That man, of course, is Al Downing—the same Al Downing who deeply scarred me as a child. It's was 1984, maybe 1985. I called up post-game Dodger talk to ask a question about the gates in the corners at Dodger Stadium—you know, the ones that used to swing open every time a douchebag leaned over the railing trying to snag a ball in play. Downing listened to half my question, made me feel like an idiot for asking such a thing, and then hung up. Well, Al, who's got the web site now, huh? Asshole!

> 8.5.07 - Grady Little
On Saturday, the scoreboard at Dodger Stadium boasted that Russell Martin leads all major league catchers in innings and games caught. Instead of that fact, the scoreboard should have just flashed "Grady Little is a friggin' moron." Having one catcher start 90% of your games isn't something to be proud of, it's something to be questioned. Mike Lieberthal, a very capable backup, has started 11 games this season. Russell Martin has started 102, including all three this weekend—including a day game after a night game. Yes, he's young, but he's going to get old real quick if he doesn't get some goddamn rest. Whether he wants the rest or not, it's time for Little to act like a manager and give Martin a day off now and then. A-hole.

> 8.4.07 - The Mariners
The Seattle Mariners had originally planned to draft Darren Dreifort with the first pick in the 1993 amatuer draft. Instead, they decided that they couldn't pass up a guy named Alex Rodriguez. On Saturday, Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th career home run. Meanwhile on Saturday, Darren Dreifort replaced the toilet paper in his bathroom, ate Cheetos, and took a nap.

> 8.1.07 - Frank McCourt
"I don't think a Los Angeles Dodger fan should have the need to be negative about anybody or anything," said McCourt on Tuesday, giving me just another reason to be negative.

> 7.31.07 - Mark Hendrickson
Just anticipating that Shmendrickson will lay a couple of fat ones over the plate for Barry on Wednesday. You can only hope that Hendrickson leaves in the top of the first inning with altitude sickness and Saito's brought in to go nine.

> 7.29.07 - Marlins pitching
Thanks a lot, assholes, for only giving up one home run to Barry Bonds. You've given up the third most home runs in baseball, but you keep Bonds in the ballpark on Saturday and Sunday and force him to do it in Los Angeles. Bastards.

> 7.26.07 - Brad Penny
With two hits on Thursday, Brad Penny is now hitting .293. On behalf of the .232-hitting Wilson Betemit, I name Penny the Asshole of the Moment.

> 7.23.07 - Tom Prince
It was on this day ten years ago that Dodgers backup catcher Tom Prince hit a solo home run, one of five that he hit during his illustrious 5-year stint with the Dodgers. Why an asshole? I don't know.

> 7.21.07 - Kid in the first row
It didn't end up making a difference in the game, but Rafael Furcal was robbed of at least a triple in the fourth inning Saturday by a little dickhead down the right field line who decided it was okay to interfere with a ball in play. I don't know whether he was ejected from the stadium, but clearly the fear of ejection isn't enough to prevent people from reaching over the railing. So let's try something new: electrically-charged railings. It might be tougher on outfielders when they reach into the stands for a foul ball, but I guarantee you there won't be any 15-year-olds screwing with balls in play.

> 7.19.07 - Juan Pierre
Juan Pierre had two hits on Thursday, but he also failed to throw out three or four guys at home. That's nothing new, of course, since he hasn't thrown out anyone all season. In fact, has he ever? (I'm too lazy to look it up.) Here's an idea: Before every home game, randomly pick a fan who gets to stand next to Pierre in center and make throws for him. Honestly, I can't stand watching him anymore.

> 7.17.07 - Mark Hendrickson
Starting to fool fans after a few decent appearances, Mark Hendrickson re-assumed his title as the Most Useless Dodger Pitcher on Tuesday, giving up seven runs on eleven hits in just three innings. A close second: Shane Victorino. A product of the Dodgers' system, Victorino had a career-high five hits.

> 7.15.07 - Me
If I can name Juan Pierre an asshole for his play in the outfield, Mark Hendrickson an asshole for his pitching, or Nomar Garciaparra an asshole for his lack of power, than it's only fair that I'm today's Asshole of the Moment. I play in a baseball league on Sundays, and if you were there to see me play today, you'd agree that I didn't play so much as horrify anyone within a 5-mile radius of the field. I misjudged a ball in center, got a horrible jump on another one, made a couple of shitty throws to the plate (like Juan Pierre shitty), struck out on a pitch three feet out of the strike zone, grounded into a force play with the bases loaded and nobody out, and got nailed rounding second base because I'm a fucking idiot. And an asshole.

> 7.14.07 - ESPN
For the first time since the network began in 1979, ESPN has acknowledged the Dodgers' existence, awarding them an ESPY for the "best finish" to a game (for their four consecutive homers and extra-inning walk-off against the Padres last season). An ESPY Award? Wow, thanks ESPN, you're the best.

> 7.11.07 - Sergio Garcia
For the second time, Dodger minor leaguer Sergio Garcia has been suspended for testing positive for a banned substance. Apparently what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. Asshole.

> 7.10.07 - Eric Karros
The biggest question of the All-Star evening: Has Eric Karros had a haircut since he retired?

> 7.8.07 - Stan Conte
So, Dodger trainer Stan Conte was apparently named to the NL All-Star training staff. Sure, he's done a great job. Jason Schmidt is done for the season, Yhency Brazoban came back too soon, and Nomar Garciaparra has yet to be diagnosed with Rheumatic Fever. The Dodgers have never been healthier.

> 7.6.07 - Brett Tomko
You wouldn't think it's possible, but Brett Tomko is actually getting worse. It's not that often that I want to chop off someone's hand, but I've got to tell you, the idea is intriguing.

> 7.5.07 - Andruw Jones
After watching Andruw Jones catch a couple balls on Wednesday as if he were the greatest player in the history of the game, was there any greater satisfaction than watching a line drive roll under his glove Thursday? I almost pissed myself.

> 7.3.07 - Frank McCourt
Frank McCourt joined Vin Scully on the air for half an inning Tuesday to thank Dodger fans for reaching the 175 million mark in cumulative attendance. That's what he said, but this is what I heard: "I'm so full of shit that it's coming out my pores." Frank, until you figure out a way to talk and actually sound like you mean what you're saying, do yourself a favor and stay down in your little field box pretending that you're interested in the game.

> 7.1.07 - Ned Colletti
If there's an ounce of truth to the rumors that Ned Colletti is dangling Matt Kemp as trade bait, I'll rip that moustache right off his pudgy face. You sign Juan Pierre for five years but trade Matt Kemp? I don't care who you get for him. Whoever it is, he won't help the Dodgers make it past the first round of the goddamn playoffs... and he'll probably leave as a free agent after the season. You want to trade someone? Trade Wilson Betemit. Oh, what's that, Ned? Betemit has no value? Yeah, no kidding, douche.

> 6.28.07 - Julio Lugo
With Julio Lugo hitless in his last 31 at-bats, it really puts a cramp in my style. I'm used to complaining about guys doing better once they leave the Dodgers. How can I complain about a guy doing even worse? Certainly a new dilemma for me.

> 6.26.07 - Charley Steiner
It was a 5-5 tie in the ninth inning on Tuesday... only I didn't know it because Charely Steiner wouldn't tell me the fucking score. He told me how many outs there were, he told me who was on base, and eventually even told me the inning. But until the inning was over, not one mention of the score. Apparently he's been hanging around Rick Monday too long. Before you know it he'll be wearing a trenchcoat.

> 6.23.07 - Nomar Garciaparra
So does Nomar have the flu, or are his power numbers just making him sick to his stomach?

> 6.20.07 - Ned Colletti
Jason Schmidt is lost for the season, and this is what the guy who spent $47 million on him has to say: "With all due respect, he hasn't thrown well. It's not as if he was on his way to a Cy Young season and suddenly you lost him." A couple weeks ago when Schmidt was on the verge of returning, Colletti likened it to making a big trade. Now that the Dodgers lose him, it's suddenly no big deal?

> 6.17.07 - Grady Little
Hell, if you're putting James Loney in right field, why not try Mark Hendrickson at third? Or Matt Kemp on the mound? Douche.

> 6.16.07 - Russell Martin
Next time you're going to hit someone in the head with a throw, please let it be Juan Pierre. Or Nomar. Or Grady.

> 6.13.07 - Shawn Green
You hit ground balls to the right side when you were a Dodger, and now you're stealing bases and stealing signs? A-hole.

> 6.11.07 - Jerry Seinfeld
You may be funnier than me, but your team lost today. You and your dirty Mets hat should stay in New York—there's no room for your kind here.

> 6.10.07 - Juan Pierre
The captain of the outfield? Pierre didn't look like the captain of jack shit on Sunday... although his two-hopper to the cutoff man was a blast to watch. Not to mention his comebacker with the bases loaded. Forty-five million dollars of fun.

> 6.8.07 - Bill Hefley
Bill Hefley recently celebrated his 50th wedding anniversary with wife Nancy Bea. I've been holding out for years, waiting for Nancy to come on the market, but I guess it's not meant to be. She'll never see my organ.

> 6.7.07 - Nomar Garciaparra
You're up by four runs, and you're trying to get the lead runner? I hope your twins still love you when you get back to L.A., because I doubt Mia does.

> 6.6.07 - Ned Colletti
Hmmmm... sign Juan Pierre for eternity, or re-sign Greg Maddux, put Matt Kemp in center, and have $25 million left over? A-hole.

> 6.5.07 - Jeff Kent
Maybe it's time to shave the moustache. Or instead, here's an idea: get a hit.

> 6.4.07 - Stan Conte
In anticipation of Jason Schmidt coming out of Tuesday's game in the 2nd inning with internal bleeding, I name Stan Conte Asshole of the Moment. Not that he's ever recommended bringing anyone back too soon from an injury or anything. Not Stan. No way.

> 6.3.07 - Grady Little
Well, here's something new to add to my oft-updated list of Grady Little weaknesses: his ejection behavior. Little was booted by home plate umpire Bill Welke in the fourth inning Sunday, saying about six words before walking back to the clubhouse. Six words? Try kicking some dirt. Or spitting in the ump's eyes. Or pissing on home plate. Christ, anything. Maybe give Lou Pinella a call—he's got plenty of time to teach you the ways of the Ejected Manager.

> 5.31.07 - Jeff Passan
Yahoo sports columnist Jeff Passan has compiled this year's list of the most overpaid baseball players—and Juan Pierre isn't on it. Well, I know who's going to top my list of the most clueless sports columnists.

> 5.29.07 - Nelson Liriano
It was on this day ten years ago that Dodger pinch-hitter Nelson Liriano went 1-for-1 against the Cardinals, raising his average to .231. Why an asshole? No particular reason, but how often do I have the opportunity to mention Nelson Liriano?

> 5.27.07 - Juan Pierre
It took a pitch ricocheting off Juan Pierre's knee in the 11th inning Sunday for him to finally put the ball on the ground. Prior to getting hit by the pitch, Pierre had flown out four times... making it sixty-two times that he's flied out this season. At least he uses those legs running back to the dugout.

> 5.26.07 - Daryle Ward
While it was comforting to watch him strike out on Saturday, it's very difficult to see Daryle Ward without thinking of 2003 when he hit .183 for the Dodgers—sixty-five points less than he ever hit prior to his L.A. stint or since. Actually, I probably shouldn't say, "it's very difficult to see Daryle Ward..." After all, you really can't miss him.

> 5.24.07 - Dean Hancock
So, I realize this isn't Dodger related, but I can't let an asshole like this slip by. Hancock, the father of late Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock, is suing not just the restaurant that served his son alcohol that night, but the tow truck driver whose truck his son crashed into. And if that's not ridiculous enough, he's suing the stranded motorist who the tow truck had stopped to help. Are you fucking kidding me? While you're at it, Dean, why not sue the paramedics for failing to reaching the scene quickly enough, the engineer who designed the road, and Oral-B for making the toothbrush Josh used that morning. Anything to take responsibility out of your son's hands, asshole.

> 5.23.07 - Ned Colletti
Prospect Tony Abreu is with the Dodgers now, and rumor has it that it won't take much for him to knock Juan Pierre down in the batting order. Awesome—a month and a half into the season, and the Dodgers already know that Juan Pierre is a complete waste of space (let alone $45 million). Good signing, Ned.

> 5.20.07 - Jeff Kent
"This game is such a pain in the butt, I can't wait to retire," said Jeff Kent during a post-game rant on Saturday. Pain in the butt? Yeah, making $9 million to play a kid's game for half the year sounds pretty terrible. You want to retire, Jeff? Be my guest. In the two years that you've been a Dodger, the team hasn't won a postseason game. I'm pretty sure they could do equally bad without you. Hang up your goddamn cleats and go ride a dirt bike off a cliff.

> 5.16.07 - Chad Kreuter
It was on this day seven years ago that a fan seated behind the Dodger bullpen in Chicago stole Chad Kreuter's hat, leading to a melee between players and fans that eventually resulted in nineteen suspensions. Kreuter should have been the bigger guy, knowing that—oh, who am I kidding? That was one of the greatest moments in Dodger history! God bless Chad Kreuter.

> 5.15.07 - Rafael Furcal
A fly ball to left in the 5th inning? Unacceptable.

> 5.14.07 - Wilson Betemit
After picking up two hits on Monday, Wilson Betemit is inching closer to the .200 mark. Another dozen hits or so and I might actually have to remove the Betemit hit counter.

> 5.12.07 - Derek Lowe
Had Derek Lowe never banged Carolyn Hughes, Dodger fans wouldn't have to spend this season watching Adrian Garcia after each game. What an asshole.

> 5.11.07 - Juan Pierre
Sure, you can turn nine different directions, catch the ball over your shoulder, and then fall on the warning track. Or you could have turned the right direction in the first place and made a fairly routine play. A great catch or a great job making the play look way harder than it was?

> 5.9.07 - Time Zones
Four o'clock games were great when I used to get home from elementary school at 3:30, but good luck if I can catch the last ten minutes of one these days. This whole time zone thing is getting old. Enough already. This entire country should be in one time zone... with the exception of Bakersfield, of course, which should just be burned.

> 5.6.07 - Rafael Furcal
Ok, we're a week into May. Time to mix in a base hit occasionally.

> 5.4.07 - Josh Hancock
Well, I'm sure I'm going to get shit for this because the guy is dead (and not a Dodger, so why the hell am I writing about him here?), but let's look at the facts released on Friday. When Cardinals' pitcher Josh Hancock was killed in a car wreck last Sunday, he was drunk, he was on his cell phone, he wasn't wearing a seat belt, he had marijuana in his car, and he was speeding. Is that all? I mean no disrespect to the deceased or his family, but everyone is lucky that he only killed himself. A lot of people look to athletes to set examples for kids, and Hancock has certainly done this—setting a great example not to follow.

> 5.1.07 - Andre Ethier
Look, I like the fact that Ethier is the Anti-Green and will actually dive for a ball in right, but it doesn't hurt to be a little selective. For example, hmmmm... oh, say that you're up by a run in the eighth inning and a sinking liner is about to drop twenty feet in front of you. Here's a thought: play it on a hop and keep the tying run at first base. For the love of God, stop watching video of Jason Repko.

> 4.28.07 - Ned Colletti
Bitter over the loss of J.D. Drew, Colletti refuses to work anything out with another Scott Boras' client, Greg Maddux, instead signing Jason Schmidt for $47 million. Now Schmidt is on the DL with a dead arm, and Maddux screws the Dodgers for seven innings.

> 4.25.07 - Stadium Operations Staff
That smell at the end of the Giants dugout on Wednesday? No, it wasn't Barry Bonds' gas. It was the pile of wet paper towels at the bottom of the first base camera well soaking up raw sewage. I don't know what the source of the sewage is, but I do know that it smelled like someone tipped over a goddamn outhouse... right into my nostrils. According to one usher, it's been a problem since last season. The Dodgers spend $45 million on a centerfielder they didn't need, but won't spend $400 for a plumber?

> 4.24.07 - Derek Lowe
Giving up a home run to Dave Roberts is like getting mugged and robbed by an 85-year-old amputee. Embarrassing.

> 4.21.07 - Stan Conte
"Stan is an expert in physical therapy and conditioning," said Ned Colletti when the head trainer was hired in October. These days, though, the expert is sure looking like a novice. According the the LA Times, Conte admitted that Matt Kemp (who had to be pulled from a rehab assignment after experiencing shoulder soreness) shouldn't have been on the field so soon. The Dodgers were "a tad greedy," he said. Greedy, stupid... same difference. San Francisco bastard.

> 4.18.07 - Red Barber
It was sixty-eight years ago today that announcer Red Barber called the action in the Dodgers' 7-3 loss to the Giants. It marked the first time a regular season Brooklyn game was broadcast on the radio. Had Barber done a lousy job, the whole radio broadcast thing might never have caught on, and if it never caught on, we wouldn't have to listen to Rick Monday and Charley Steiner.

> 4.17.07 - Jason Schmidt
Are you hurt, Jason? "No." Are you hurt, Jason? "No." Are you hurt, Jason? "No." Are you totally full of shit, Jason? "Yes." After weeks of suspicion, an MRI finally revealed on Tuesday that Jason Schmidt is hurt. Techincally, he has inflammation in his bursa sac (which sounds like something near the penis), but only time will tell whether it's actually responsible for his drop in velocity. My guess as to the problem? His body is off-balance because of the $47 million in his wallet.

> 4.15.07 - Dodgers.com
A headline on the Dodger web site this weekend reads "Dodger Notes: Kent respects Robinson." Gee, thanks for the big revelation. All of Major League Baseball is honoring Jackie Robinson on Sunday, but the Dodgers feel the need to specifically point out that Jeff Kent respects him? Now if the headline read "Dodger Notes: Kent thinks all this Robinson stuff is a crock of shit," maybe that's worthy of a mention.

> 4.13.07 - AT&T
Apparently AT&T blew all their money on naming rights up north and can't afford to provide me with a FUCKING MODEM THAT WORKS. Dickheads.

> 4.12.07 - The Wind
Instead of knocking over the 'T' in the 'Think Blue' sign, couldn't the wind have blown up an S at the end?

> 4.11.07 - Stan Conte
So, Rafael Furcal had to leave his rehab game in the 6th inning on Wednesday after his sprained left ankle tightened. Hmmm, do you think maybe it tightened because it wasn't quite healed yet? Do you think maybe it tightened because he should still be sitting on the bench at Dodger Stadium instead of running the bases in Rancho Fuckin' Cucamonga? Good call, head trainer.

> 4.9.07 - Levy Restaurants
I don't know about the rest of the stadium, but by the seventh inning on Monday afternoon, at least a good portion of the Field level was apparently out of Dodger Dogs. Unless Olmedo Saenz placed a huge order from the dugout, how the hell do you run out of Dodger Dogs on Opening Day? Good thing most people lost their appetite when Rudy Seanez took the mound.

> 4.8.07 - Grady Little
With Rafael Furcal apparently making progress, the Dodgers sound like they could be activating him any day now... which would be a horrible mistake. With Wilson Valdez and Ramon Martinez obviously capable of filling in for a few more days, what's the point of rushing it and risking another injury? Grady Little needs to take a page out of his "How to Baby J.D. Drew" book and keep Furcal on the shelf until next week.

> 4.6.07 - Vin Scully
Vinny, you're the best, but if you want to make love to Omar Vizquel, just do it already and stop obsessing about it during the broadcast.

> 4.5.07 - Tommy Lasorda
Just because Tommy is as big as the planet, he thinks he's got the right to go anywhere on it. Well, not the press box at Anaheim Stadium apparently. On Thursday night, security personnel wouldn't allow Tommy in the press box without proper credentials. Fat boy must have threatened to eat the security, though, because he was eventually let in... so he could tell everyone how he taught Mike Piazza everything he knows.

> 4.3.07 - Jason Repko
The Dodgers acknowledged on Tuesday that Rafael Furcal won't come off the disabled list on Saturday when he's eligible. Furcal hasn't fielded ground balls, swung a bat, or run since the injury. He has, however, tortured and mutilated the Jason Repko voodoo doll that his teammates gave him.

> 4.1.07 - Frank McCourt
It may be a new season, but some things don't change.

> 3.29.07 - Eric Gagne
So... the sun rises, lesbians are hot, and Eric Gagne is on the DL. Go fucking figure. Here's a tip for Eric: Next time someone asks you how your arm feels, instead of saying it's never felt better and then proving it by throwing a bowling ball over a building, maybe just shrug your shoulders or something. Just a thought.

> 3.27.07 - Andy La ...Roche
Though he's never played a day in the major leagues, Andy LaRoche showed up at Spring Training with a message: Spell my last name with a space. Now, a month later, La Roche has changed his tune, saying "I'm not sure what I was thinking." Well, here's what I'm thinking: He's an asshole. (And you can spell that asshole, ass hole, or ass-hole.)

> 3.24.07 - Grady Little
If Rafael Furcal isn't ready for Opening Day, don't expect Nomar to make the logical switch to short with James Loney slipping in at first. Instead, it looks like Little would go with Tony Abreu at shortstop—a position he doesn't play. Little will tell you that he doesn't want Nomar getting hurt, but if that's the case, why even play him at all? Why not just put him in a display case behind home plate and let people take pictures of him?

> 3.22.07 - Jason Repko
Look, it's great to give it your all, dive, and injure yourself, but at least have the sense to pretend you're ok and keep the injury a secret for five months until you're hitting .102 in September. Get with the program, man.

> 3.20.07 - Dodger marketing department
The Dodgers might not be the right ones to blame for this, but what the hell. It's now late March, more than three months after Eric Gagne signed with the Rangers, and more than two years since he regularly appeared for the Dodgers. Yet, on the wall at Union Station in Downtown LA remains a giant Gagne poster. Rumor has it there's a Greg Brock billboard still up in Torrance.

> 3.17.07 - Bell ringer
Great to watch the first telecast of Spring Training on Saturday... except for having to listen to some jackass ring a fucking bell all game long. Unless it was a bell to remind the seniors to take their medicine, that guy should fall into an alligator-infested Florida swamp.

> 3.13.07 - Eric Gagne
"It's the best I've felt in two years," said Eric Gagne, after pitching for the Rangers on Monday. Gee, never heard that before.

> 3.11.07 - Jeromy Burnitz
Former Dodger Jeromy Burnitz announced his retirement on Sunday, so this is our last chance to recognize a guy who hit .204 as a Dodger but then spent the next few years hitting home runs against them. Retired asshole.

> 3.7.07 - Lazy Dodger fans
Yes, Frank McCourt has increased parking at the stadium to $15 a car. Yes, he's a dick. But you're the bigger asshole for actually paying the $15. Unless you've got gangrene and can't walk more than a couple hundred feet, park your friggin' car outside the stadium and get some goddamn exercise. Believe me, you can find parking... unless, of course, McCourt manages to convince the City of LA to ban street parking around the stadium, in which case he can eat my rotting dingleberries.

> 3.3.07 - Juan Pierre's dad
Talking about his name to the LA Times, Juan Pierre acknowledged that he was named after Juan Marichal—his dad's favorite player. Christ, he might as well be named Joe Morgan. Or Bobby Thompson. Or Beat L.A. What an asshole.

> 3.1.07 - Omar Daal
A huge controversy is brewing. Thursday, it seems, is the birthday of former Dodger Omar Daal. Or is it? Some sources list his birthday as March 1st, but others list is as February 23rd. So which is it? Come on Omar, fork over the birth certificate. A-hole.