.2005

> 12.26.05 - Dude who can't read
Even though we've posted notice that we're on vacation, it's a sure thing that some asshole will email us asking why we haven't updated the site. You, my friend, are an asshole.

> 12.24.05 - Salvation Army bell ringers
Look, all I want to do is pick up a couple greeting cards at Rite Aid. But I can't do it without some dude ringing a bell in my face and making me feel bad because I won't throw a quarter in his little red kettle. If the money was going into the Dodger rotation, maybe I'd donate, but toys for children? Meals for the poor? Clothes for the homeless? What kind of causes are those? Jesus.

> 12.21.05 - Steve Howe
Nice example he set for his son, Brian, who was arrested earlier this month in Santa Clarita on a charge of possession of a controlled substance. The Valencia High School baseball coach said Brian would be disciplined, meaning he'll need just six more suspensions to match his Daddy's total.

> 12.18.05 - Frank McCourt
Hey Frank, don't think that you're suddenly a hero just because the Furcal, Mueller, and Garciaparra signings happen to be fairly well-received. You're still an asshole.

> 12.14.05 - Ned Colletti
After trading Milton Bradley on Tuesday, Colletti said he did all he could to find a way to keep the volatile outfielder. If that's the case, you'd think he could have picked up the phone and given Milton a call. But he didn't. Nor did he call Jeff Kent. Real throrough job, Ned.

> 12.12.05 - J.T. Snow
If you've spent nine seasons with the Giants, you're an asshole. Period. Saving Dusty Baker's kid doesn't make you Dodger material. Ned Colletti, however, seems to be pursuing the 38-year-old first baseman. Considering that Snow hit a whopping four home runs last season, who can blame him?

> 12.8.05 - Ned Colletti
Milton Bradley to Toronto for Miguel Friggin' Batista??? Colletti must be smoking Batista's stats, because he's sure as hell not reading them. Christ, man... don't make that move.

> 12.7.05 - Jason Grabowski
So much for the Dodgers winning it all in 2006. Jason Grabowski—the team's heart and soul—has signed a 1-year deal with the Orix Buffaloes of the Japanese Pacific League, who are apparently in need of a .196 hitter. Come on, Jason, say it ain't so.

> 12.6.05 - Ned Colletti
It's great that the Dodgers are now at least in the mix when it comes to trade rumors, but Alfonso Soriano? Sure, he can hit home runs, but what exactly is Colletti's problem with Cesar Izturis (other than the fact that he'll miss half the season)? Rafael Furcal obviously displaces Izturis from shortstop, and if Soriano and Kent were to make up the right side of the infield, Izturis—probably the best fielding shortstop in the league and a guy Dodger fans have come to love watching—would be relegated to cleaning the shit stains out of Ricky Ledee's shorts.

> 12.4.05 - Jeff Kent & Milton Bradley
Without a doubt, the Dodgers are a better team with Jeff Kent and Milton Bradley. However, because Bradley and Kent are big babies who can't get along, Bradley figures to be traded—possibly to the Cubs, A's, or Yankees. Hey, jackoffs: put your personal shit aside, realize that the Dodgers need both of you, and tell Ned that it's all good.

> 11.30.05 - Tommy Hawkins
Former Dodger VP Tommy Hawkins blasted the organization this week, saying that the team is in complete disarray, the front office is totally disjointed, and that some of Frank McCourt's recent personnel decisions make him "want to throw up." So much bashing, but nothing about the fact that they're about to lose Elmer Dessens? Come on, Tommy—let's focus on the important stuff.

> 11.24.05 - Frank McCourt
Another day, another candidate declining an interview. Gee, why would so many people be afraid to work for the Dodgers? Hmmmmm.

> 11.23.05 - Bud Black
The Dodgers have invited Black—the Angels' pitching coach—to interview for manager, but he won't accept the interview. But he won't decline the interview either. Look, you Angel prick: yes or no. Don't make it harder than it already is for the Dodgers to find a manager.

> 11.19.05 - Orel Hershiser
On Friday, Hershiser resigned as pitching coach of the Rangers, taking a position in their front office. Geez, a little impatient, isn't he? He goes out and gets another job just because the Dodgers interviewed him two months ago, haven't talked to him since, have hired a new GM, and are interviewing other people for the managerial vacancy? What a jerk.

> 11.16.05 - You people
Jesus Christ, people, you're missing the point of the "Introducing Rabbi Hitler" headline. Do we really have to explain? Fine. We're equating the Dodgers hiring of a guy from the Giants (the most hated of foes) to a temple turning to Hitler for a leader. Pretty simple. We're not suggesting Ned Colletti is a nazi, we're not trivializing the deaths of millions of Jews, and we're not making a pitch for the swastika to be added to the Dodger uniforms. Please stop sending us stupid emails.

> 11.15.05 - Al Campanis
It all started with one stupid comment. Now the Dodgers are on their 10th general manager. What an asshole.

> 11.14.05 - Ned Colletti
We don't know much about this guy, but we do know that he's been in San Francisco for nine years. That means he rides some dude named Bart, shits orange and black, and hates the Dodgers. Screw that.

> 11.10.05 - Camille Johnston
Congrats to Camile—Asshole of the Moment twice in a week. Responding to a reporter's question about a phone survey the Dodgers are conducting, the Dodgers' VP of communication had this to say: "There is a difference between corporate ownership and family ownership. Our goal is to determine how many of our customers know that we're a family-owned organization." First of all, we're baseball fans, not customers. If you guys had a little bit of respect for us, we wouldn't hate you so much. Second, you can pass this on to Frank: Instead of worrying about how many people know the Dodgers are family-owned, why don't you worry about GETTTING A GODDAMN GENERAL MANAGER BEFORE THE APOCALYPSE.

> 11.7.05 - Baseball owners
If baseball owners weren't so uptight, they'd realize that the sport needs cheerleaders. Then, if we're all really lucky, Dodger cheerleaders might be caught having sex with each other in a bathroom stall, just like the Carolina Panthers' cheerleaders over the weeekend.

> 11.5.05 - Camille Johnston
Listen to this one from Dodger spokesperson Camille Johnston after rumors spread that John Hart was no longer interested in being Dodger GM: "We aren't commenting on the selection process, but we have no reason to believe he doesn't have interest." Way to stay true to your word, Camille. You're a perfect fit.

> 11.4.05 - John Hart
Yeah, that's what the Dodgers need—a guy who gave $65 million to Chan Ho Park.

> 11.1.05 - Peter O'Malley
Imagine if that bastard never sold the Dodgers. Mike Scioscia would be the manager, Mike Piazza would be about to begin his 14th season in L.A., and Mike Judd... uh... nevermind.

> 10.30.05 - Frank McCourt
Frank McCourt is an asshole not for firing Paul DePodesta, but for doing so when Dodger Blues was out of town for three days without an internet connection. That's chicken shit.

> 10.25.05 - Pedro Guerrero
It was on this date in 1981 that Steve Yeager and Pedro Guerrero hit back-to-back home runs in the 7th inning to lift the Dodgers to a 2-1 World Series victory over the Yankees. Why does that make Guerrero an asshole? Not sure, but he did go on a 2-day drug binge with O.J. Simpson's girlfriend in '99, so that's good enough for us.

> 10.23.05 - Paul DePodesta
How nice of Paul to interview Orel Hershiser. The way he waited for a week after his initial four interviews to even contact Hershiser really speaks of his high regard for the former Dodger. Orel, don't be surprised if DePodesta's laptop is open as you're rambling on about how you lowered the Rangers' team ERA to 4.96.

> 10.16.05 - Orel Hershiser
Asked about the possibilty of interviewing for the Dodgers' managerial position, Hershiser said this: "Just as I was excited in the Oakland job, I'm even more excited about the Dodger job. I'm also excited about remaining the Texas Ranger pitching coach and finishing the job we started." Hershiser also went on to say he's excited about having some orange juice, excited about going to Pep Boys this weekend, and excited about the new roll of toilet paper in his bathroom.

> 10.12.05 - Alan Trammell
Trammell, who interviews with the Dodgers on Tuesday, makes us think of Bubba Trammell, who played with the Dodgers in Spring Training '04. While supposedly there's no relation, the Dodgers shouldn't take the chance.

> 10.7.05 - Frank McCourt
So, old Frankie is "disappointed" that Eric Gagne vented to the paper this week about the pathetic state of the organization instead of venting to him directly. Maybe instead of being disappointed, weasel-face should take it as a sign that he'd better get his shit together. Eric Gagne isn't stupid, nor is he a troublemaker, so if he's going to the media, you know things must seem pretty goddamn hopeless. God bless Gagne for speaking up. McCourt should be happy that there's at least one person on the Dodgers who cares enough to be upset.

> 10.5.05 - Mickey Owens
It was on this day in 1941 that Mickey Owens' passed ball in the bottom of ninth with two outs and two strikes in Game 4 of the World Series turned a sure 4-3 Brooklyn win into a heartbreaking 7-4 loss to the Yankees. What a dick.

> 10.4.05 - You douchebags
Relax, nutjobs. The Gibson clock will be back in a couple days... the Tracy clock is just a joke. We didn't just rape your mom, so please spare us the angry emails as if we did.

> 10.4.05 - Frank McCourt
The Dodgers dismiss Jim Tracy, and Frank McCourt can't take 30 seconds to give the guy a call and say goodbye. If there was ever an asshole move, that was it.

> 10.3.05 - Former Dodgers
It is out of sheer bitterness and jealousy that we name the following playoff-bound former Dodgers as the Assholes of the Moment: Brian Jordan, Todd Hollandsworth, Jose Vizcaino, Pedro Astacio, Chan Ho Park, Rudy Seanez, David Ross, Eric Young, Dave Roberts, Al Reyes, Mark Grudzielanek, Alex Cora, Paul Konerko, Steve Finley, Bubba Crosby, Tanyon Sturtze, and Gary Sheffield.

> 10.1.05 - Jim Tracy
If these are Jim Tracy's final days as Dodger manager, he'll spend them as Asshole of the Moment. It's only fair. (Honorable Mention, however, goes to DePodesta & McCourt, who say they're mulling over whether to give Tracy an extension. Mulling, huh? If you wanted him back, you'd have given him an extension yesterday. Spare everyone your bullshit—even Dodger fans aren't that stupid.)

> 9.28.05 - Yhency Brazoban
Here's your assignment this offseason, Yhency: study the strike zone. Notice how it's of decent size. Notice how there's an inside corner. Notice how there's an outside corner. Notice that there's a high strike. Notice that there's a low strike. Notice how there are many places to throw the ball other than RIGHT DOWN THE GODDAMN MIDDLE.

> 9.26.05 - Dodger Stadium ushers
With the season a lost cause, the Dodger stadium ushers should be instructed to give oral pleasure to the loyal fans who actually come out to support this hellhole of a team. Instead, the ushers are making themselves useful by ordering fans (yeah, me) to move back to their original seats (five fucking rows back, mind you) in the bottom of the 8th inning of a 9-4 game attended by no more than 175 people. Kind ushers, may you all be struck in the knees by Jason Phillips' Kia Sportage as he leaves the stadium. Assholes.

> 9.25.05 - Daryle Ward
Despite the fact that Ward went 0-for-4 against the Dodgers on Sunday, it's still disturbing to see that he's hitting .260 with 63 RBIs and 21 doubles... and looks about 20 cheeseburgers lighter than he did when he was a Dodger.

> 9.21.05 - Paul DePodesta
So, what's Paul DePodesta's big plan for turning the Dodgers around in 2006? Prayer, apparently. On Tuesday, DePodesta discussed next season, saying "A healthy Eric Gagne and a healthy J.D. Drew will make a big difference." Well, so would a 12-inch penis, but that's probably not going to happen, now is it? Banking on a healthy Gagne and Drew is like expecting that your incontinent dog won't diarrhea on your bed. It's just stupid.

> 9.20.05 - Shawn Green
Now that the games don't matter, you go 0-for-4 against the Dodgers. Thanks.

> 9.18.05 - Jim Tracy
Did the Dodgers lose three games over the weekend? Yes, they did. Are the Dodgers 15 games below .500? Yes, they are. Are there just thirteen games left in the season? Yes, it seems that's the case. Is Jim Tracy assured of his first losing season as manager of the Dodgers? You're goddamn right he is.

> 9.16.05 - Monique Bradley
With Milton Bradley's 911 calls released on Thursday, it's clear that everything was his wife's fault. "I have a bad temper," a composed Milty told a 911 dispatcher in June. "And I went through anger management and I've been doing all this stuff because it was starting to affect my career. I don't need that." By that, Bradley is referring to the fact that his awful wife apparently scratched and pulled on him. No man needs that. All Bradley had done was choke her, bloody her lip, and push her against a wall. Damn woman, why the scratching?

> 9.15.05 - Eric Karros
Eric, you're probably right when you say that next year will be "another year of suffering" for the Dodgers, but is it necessary to still be so bitter about the fact you were traded for Todd Hundley and Chad Hermansen? Get over it.

> 9.13.05 - Jim Tracy
As if putting together one of the worst lineups of the year wasn't bad enough on Tuesday, Tracy really pulled off a genius move in the 8th inning. With the tying runs on base and two out, Tracy used Antonio Perez (leading the Dodgers in batting average) as a pinch-runner, and left Jason Phillips (a .237 hitter) at the plate to hit. Why not use Jason Repko to pinch-run? And if you're stuck on having Perez pinch run, why not hit Olmedo Saenz for Phillips? Oh, that's right... you've got to save Saenz for the ninth inning when the bases are empty. Douchebag.

> 9.12.05 - Tommy Lasorda
There you are in Louisiana with nothing. You've lost your home, your belongings, your job, family members... but wait—is that Tommy Lasorda?? Oh, LIFE IS GOOD! Hey Tommy, could you autograph this shirt I've been wearing for two weeks? Ricotta-faced bastard.

> 9.10.05 - Kelly Wunsch
Kelly Wunsch was lost for the season in July when he tore a ligament in his right ankle making a warmup pitch in the bullpen. Now, Wunsch will undergo surgery on his left hip. What, did he hurt his hip lying on the fucking couch?

> 9.7.05 - Vin Scully
Look Vinny, we love you. But you've got to stop giving us the play-by-play of the Padres games every four seconds. It's the beginning of September and the Dodgers are six games out. If Khalil Greene happens to scratch his crotch with two guys on base, we're fine reading about it in the paper tomorrow.

> 9.6.05 - Dr. Lewis Yocum
There's something very disturbing about the Angels' team physician helping Barry Bonds recover from his knee injury. Hey Yocum, next time you run into Eric Gagne at the Kerlan-Jobe Clinic, why not just punch him in the nuts while you're at it? Stethoscope bastard.

> 9.4.05 - Chad Fonville
On this date ten years ago, Chad Fonville went 0-for-4. What an asshole.

> 9.2.05 - Rockies' scoreboard operator
So, the count is 1-3, huh? And the Dominican guy at the plate is Jeff Kent? Get it together, putz.

> 8.31.05 - Steve Lyons
As Charley Steiner left the broadcast booth for an inning to sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" on Wednesday afternoon at Wrigley, all Steve Lyons had to do was handle the play-by-play for about five minutes. Instead, he spent most of the time doing absolutely nothing. At one point, there was complete silence for a major league record 31 seconds. There were also periods of dead air for 24 seconds and 11 seconds. Vin Scully he is not.

> 8.29.05 - Jeromy Burnitz
Two home runs agains the Dodgers on Monday? He can go to hell.

> 8.28.05 - Shawn Green
Forget about the fact that Green hit a grand slam for the Diamondbacks on Sunday. More disturbing is the fact that he named his newborn daughter Chandler. What an asshole.

> 8.24.05 - Milton Bradley
If you can put aside the embarrassment he's bringing to his teammates, the Dodger organization, and the fans, the saddest part about the whole Bradley situation is that he's ruining what could be a pretty damn good career. Milton Bradley is a great ballplayer. He's a smooth outfielder, a smart baserunner, and a natural hitter. How many guys do you see hit 420ft home runs and then try to bunt for a base hit in their next at-bat? Controversy-free, he's got as much potential as anybody. Way to keep fucking it up, Milton.

> 8.23.05 - Jeff Weaver
Milton Bradley has an episode, and Jeff Weaver has the nerve to try to grab the attention by getting three hits and three RBIs. What an asshole.

> 8.21.05 - Caesar Izturis
Three months ago, we named Izturis the Asshole of the Moment for embarrassing his teammates by getting too many hits. Since then, Cesar he's hit about .180... leading us to name him Asshole of the Moment again—this time for embarrassing the 1.6 million people who voted him an All-Star.

> 8.19.05 - Charley Steiner
Note to Steiner: His name is Juan EN-CAR-NAH-CEE-OWN. Yes, it's fairly long, but it's doable. Maybe practice when you're lying in bed at night. Or when you're on the can. Or in the drive-thru lane. Please, we beg of you.

> 8.16.05 - Scott Boras
The Dodgers don't appear close to signing their top draft pick because his agent is Scott Boras and Scott Boras is, well, an asshole. Luke Hochevar was Baseball America's college pitcher of the year, but you'd think he has a 120-mph fastball and a 12-inch dick from what Boras is demanding: $4 million and a major league contract. Scott, you F'd the Dodgers with Kevin Brown and Darren Dreifort—whattya say you take $2 million for Hochevar and stop destroying baseball? Prick.

> 8.14.05 - Fred Claire
As Pedro Martinez took a no-hitter into the eighth inning on Sunday, our thoughts kept turning to Delino DeShields... his .220 average, his plastic face mask, his incessant bitching about the racial makeup of the team. With constant thoughts of Delino, our precious Sunday was ruined. Screw Fred Claire for that. Screw him in his wrinkled bunghole.

> 8.10.05 - Paul DePodesta
The Dodger bullpen is a total disaster and DePodesta goes out and spends a million dollars on an outfielder who was over-the-hill before he even reached the hill. Brilliant.

> 8.8.05 - Milton Bradley
With the Dodgers' season fading away and the team a complete bore, the time has come for Bradley to lose his mind. Kick an ump in the nuts, piss on a fan, light the outfield wall on fire. Do anything. Please. We're begging you.

> 8.5.05 - Gary Sheffield
Three years removed from L.A., it's nice to know that Gary Sheffield still hasn't learned how to keep his mouth shut. In an interview with New York Magazine, Sheffield was typically humble: "I know who the leader is on the team. I ain't going to say who it is, but I know who it is. I know who the team feeds off." He went on to deride the Yankees' for their worship of Derek Jeter and A-Rod, and then, of course, played the race card: "It happens because you're white and I'm black. My interpretation of things is different. You don't see it the way I see it. You write how you understand it, how you would articulate it, not how I, as a black man, would articulate it." Well, Gary, here's how we'd articulate it: You're an asshole.

> 8.4.05 - You people
Stop emailing us about Derek Lowe and Carolyn Hughes. If you want gossip, go read the goddamn tabloids. We run a respectable web site and will not write anything that threatens our journalistic integrity. Penis.

> 8.1.05 - Yhency Brazoban
Yhency is married to Yoneidi. Their first daughter is named Yelaini. Their second daughter, born last week, was just named Yoneider. Yhency, Yoneidi, Yelaini, and Yoneider. Something tells us that if Brazoban ever has a boy, he won't be named Jason. (Maybe Yason, though.)

> 7.31.05 - The Trade Deadline
All hype, no deals. Jeff Weaver is still a Dodger, Adam Dunn is still a Red, and Paul DePodesta is apparently still playing Tetris. (Actually, according to ESPN.com, he's John DePodesta.)

> 7.28.05 - David Ross
Former Dodger catcher David Ross, who was recently optioned to the minors by the Pirates, was acquired by the San Diego Padres on Thursday, adding to the team's collection of former Dodgers. Terrific—now, with the division on the line on the last weekend of the season, Paul Quantrill can shut down the Dodgers for three innings, Dave Roberts can walk and steal second, and David Ross can drive in the winning run. Can't wait.

> 7.25.05 - The Jason Patrol
Yeah, we all get it by now: the Dodgers have a lot of Jasons. Add the Reds' battery to the mix in the 7th inning Monday, and there wasn't a single player on the field with a different name. But can we please let it go? Is Dodger baseball that boring? Wait, don't answer that.

> 7.22.05 - Frank McCourt
So, the Dodgers are planning more changes for Dodger Stadium. Among them, another advertising ribbon will be wrapped around the Reserved Level. Why not just shove a Fed Ex envelope up the ass of each fan as they enter the ballpark? Or, better yet, stamp Dodger Dogs with an Adelphia logo. Scumbags.

> 7.19.05 - Milton Bradley
As Milton Bradley gets his body ready for a return to the team, he's getting his mouth ready, too. "When I was in (the lineup), it felt different," Bradley told the Daily News on Tuesday."When I'm not in there, we don't have that same fire. We have more low-key guys. I felt like every guy was trying to outdo the next guy. Now, we're back to being flat, except for Kent. He knows what to do." Look, nobody's going to argue with what Bradley is saying, but do his teammates really need to know that he hates them?

> 7.15.05 - Curt Schilling
Just off the disabled list, Curt Schilling came in for the Red Sox on Thursday as a closer. All closers have music, so what song did Schilling come out to? It sort of sounded familiar... hmmm... what's the name of that song... oh, that's right, it's called Welcome to the Jungle. Schilling promptly blew the save, and hopefully contracted malaria on his way home. What an asshole.

> 7.14.05 - Brad Penny
You're a huge dude, and we're a little scared of you, but WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING GETTING KICKED OUT IN THE THIRD INNING? Blue might have been a little quick with the boot, but why even give him a reason to look at you? When you're the only Dodger starter who's capable of pitching a good seven or eight innings, just walk off the field, kick Mike Rose in the nuts if you have to, and worry about your pitching. Monster.

> 7.13.05 - Jeff Shaw
It was seven years ago that Jeff Shaw debuted for L.A.—wearing the Dodger uniform in the '98 All-Star game before ever throwing a pitch for the team. Time really flies, but time doesn't erase the memories of a blown save a week. What an asshole.

> 7.11.05 - Reggie Jackson
Reggie, you may be Mr. October, but it's July... and you're not playing anymore. So shut the F up and let Hee Seop have his moment. Old bastard.

> 7.10.05 - Hee Seop Choi
In anticipation of Choi coming in last in the Home Run Contest and further disgracing the Dodger name, Hee's Asshole of the Moment. (Of course, since we've named him that, he'll probably win.)

> 7.6.05 - Jason Phillips
What, you're too special to get injured? You're better than your teammates? You think it's all cool to be healthy? Asshole.

> 7.4.05 - Chin-Feng Chen
Chin-Feng Chen, who in parts of three seasons has never done so much as ground out to shortstop, was called up on Monday to replace J.D. Drew on the roster. His first at bat came with the bases loaded and the Dodgers down 3-0 in the 7th inning. Unbelievably, he singled up the middle, driving in two runs. So startled were we that Chen actually did something meaningful, we forgot about the cherry bomb we had just lit. Moments later there was an explosion and the Dodger Blues offices were in ruins. Broken glass... burning furniture... charred pieces of Brian Jordan bobbleheads. If there's a lesson to be learned, though, it's not to play with fireworks... especially when crappy Dodgers are batting.

> 7.2.05 - Dodger fans
So let's get this straight: you interfere with balls in play at least a couple times a game, but when there's a ball that's legitimately in the stands, you quickly back away and let Luis Gonzalez reach two rows into the seats to rob Jason Phillips of a game-tying homer. Stupid bastards.

> 7.1.05 - Jim Tracy
Is Jim Tracy a corpse? Actually, there are corpses with more personality than Tracy. Jesus, man, show us a sign that you're alive. Listening to Tracy be interviewed, you wouldn't know whether he just won, lost, or had his anal virginity taken by a buffalo.

> 6.29.05 - Shawn Green
In anticipation of three home runs and a permanent smile this weekend, Shawn Green is Asshole of the Moment.

> 6.28.05 - Khalil Greene
Khalil, we hope your dick gets caught in the bathtub.

> 6.26.05 - Jason Phillips
You say "most definitely" one more time in an interview and we'll most definitely shove shards of glass in our ears.

> 6.24.05 - Paul DePodesta
So, DePodesta now acknowledges that "chemistry is critical." Yeah, it's critical when a team doesn't have any.

> 6.23.05 - Ligaments
They tear, they strain, they need to be replaced. Ligaments suck. F 'em.

> 6.22.05 - Antonio Perez
Until you learn how to bunt, you'll be up here. A-hole.

> 6.21.05 - Antonio Perez
First and second, nobody out in the ninth inning. Perez bunts... right back to Trevor Hoffman. Next time you try to sacrifice, Antonio, maybe just catch the ball and hand it to the pitcher.

> 6.20.05 - Kevin Towers
In an era where baseball is more mixed than a Jamba Juice smoothie, the Padres GM has managed to assemble not only the whitest team in the last 50 years, but a team Hitler would be proud to call his own. Khalil Greene, Robert Fick, Jake Peavy, Sean Burroughs, Ryan Klesko, Brian Giles... the list goes on and on. Look, we're not saying these guys are anti-Semitic, but it's probably a good idea to keep your yarmulka away from Petco Park just to be safe.

> 6.17.05 - Al Downing
If there was ever an Asshole of the Moment, it's Al Downing. Actually, he's an asshole of many moments. Among his other problems, Downing—who apparently knows even more about baseball than Joe Morgan—feels the need to belittle Charley Steiner every chance he gets. On Friday, Downing was in rare form. When Steiner said that Mike Edwards has been a pleasant surprise, Downing countered by saying that Edwards was impressive during spring training. When Steiner talked about how Olmedo Saenz' is prone to injury, Downing said that players are actually very resilient. When Steiner made the innocent observation that Mike Rose blocked the plate like a goaltender, Downing pointed out that it was just a basic play for a catcher. When Steiner stated that the Dodgers failed to get guys in scoring position, Downing said that sometimes you have to give credit to the opposing pitcher. When Steiner mentioned that Scott Podsednik has a .365 on base percentage, Downing suggested that a player's OBP isn't as important as what he does once he gets on base. When Steiner said that it hurts to get hit in the ribs, Downing said that it hurts more when a ball hits you on the elbow. Meanwhile, Downing is busy making brilliant comments such as "Baseball is not a five man game." How long before Charley Steiner punches Downing in the nuts?

> 6.15.05 - Jose Lima
You really forget how much this a-hole's dancing and prancing gets on your nerves when he's on the opposing team. On Wednesday, Lima had plenty of reason to hop around like a rabbit on fire, doing a job on the lethargic Dodgers. Revenge may be sweet, Jose, but you're still on the Royals.

> 6.14.05 - Eric Gagne
So, Eric Gagne is headed back to the DL. It's a killer for the Dodgers to lose their closer, but even worse is how it'll prolong Jim Tracy's career. If the Dodgers remain in contention despite all their injuries, Jim Tracy looks like a genius. "Tracy really got the most out of a thin roster," people will say. Oh yeah? Eat me. It doesn't take a genius to make Brazoban the temporary closer. It doesn't take a genius to put Drew in center with Bradley out. It doesn't take a genius to pinch-hit Olmedo Saenz with two guys on base n the 8th inning of a tie game. What, you gonna put Oscar Robles up? Jesus.

> 6.12.05 - The smiling Ricoh guy
Okay, we've had enough of this fucker. You know, he's the red-headed putz in the Ricoh commerical who walks around the office with a big smile on his face like he dropped a load in his pants. If you watch a Dodger game, you get to see him at least a half dozen times. Well, we're not huge advocates of violence, but it's time for someone break a chair over his goddamn head. Let's see if he's still similing then.

> 6.10.05 - Juan Castro
We don't recall Juan Castro ever hitting the ball hard (or even making contact, for that matter) when he was a Dodger. First at-bat Friday—smashes one to the gap in left-center. What an asshole.

> 6.8.05 - Jason Grabowski
When we decided to campaign for your election to the All-Star Team, it was a joke. It's not funny when you hit game-winning home runs.

> 6.7.05 - Frank McCourt
Frank, you can hire a P.R. firm to spin your B.S. any way you want, but Dodger fans aren't as stupid as you think. Instead of trying to convince people that you're doing the right thing, how about just doing the right thing? Here's a start: (1) Stop lying. If the payroll is going to be at $85 million, say so. If not, get it to where you promised it would be. (2) Stop firing people, especially people who are well-respected and have history with the organization (that is, if there's anybody left who fits that bill). (3) Cut the goddamn sound effects at the stadium and give the reins back to Nancy Bea. (4) Put the names back on the uniforms. We may have very little confidence in the guys on the team, but it's nice at least to be able to tell them apart. (5) Paint the railing on the Reserved level. It looks like it was hit by a goddamn meteor.
Sure, by addressing these issues (and believe us, there's more than just five), you'll definitely be acknowledging that you've made some mistakes. More importantly, though, you'll be showing fans that you're willing to fix your mistakes. You want to keep your name off this page? Do the right thing. And remember, the Dodgers aren't your team. They're ours.

> 6.5.05 - Alex Trevino
Hey, why not?

> 6.1.05 - Elmer Dessens
What does it say about the Dodgers when we're actually looking forward to the return of Elmer Dessens? Not sure why that makes him Asshole of the Moment, but whatever.

> 5.31.05 - San Diego Padres
Lose, godammit, lose.

> 5.30.05 - J.D. Drew
Jesus, get injured already so we can take down the stupid counter.

> 5.28.05 - Duaner Sanchez
What are you, nine years old? Throwing your glove at the ball? Jackoff.

> 5.25.05 - Cesar Izturis
Stop getting hits, man. You're embarrasing the rest of the team.

> 5.24.05 - Dodger Blues
Giants vs. Dodgers, and no update on the site. Sorry, we're assholes—assholes who happen to be busy today.

> 5.22.05 - Oscar Robles
Incapable of getting a hit for his first two weeks, Robles finally decides to drive in a run in the eighth inning on Sunday—doing nothing but take away a save opportunity from Eric Gagne. Great timing, a-hole.

> 5.20.05 - Glenn Hoffman
When Olmedo Saenz is barely to third base as the left fielder picks up the ball about about 30 feet past the infield, you hold that fat bastard. Doesn't matter how many goddamn outs there are or what piece of crap is on deck. Way to go, Genius.

> 5.19.05 - Jason Grabowski
We go out of our way to encourage fans to vote Grabowski to the All-Star team, and the next day he goes on the disabled list. What an asshole.

> 5.16.05 - The Official Scorer
Any chance that Paul DePodesta was the official scorer on Monday? Oscar Robles, batting for Duaner Sanchez in the 7th, hit a grounder that went off the chest of second baseman Damion Easley... and somehow it was ruled a hit. Don't be fooled by Robles' career-high batting average of .111... in our book he's at .055.

> 5.14.05 - Raul Mondesi
Doing what most former Dodgers do when they return to L.A., Mondesi threw out Milton Bradley from right field on Friday, and then hit a home run. After crossing the plate, Mondesi mimicked Bradley's ritual of crossing his arms and dusting off his jersey. Good to see Raul is still a huge asshole.

> 5.13.05 - The Peanut Guy
On Friday night, the Dodger Stadium peanut guy appeared on Jay Leno in an accuracy contest against a fish thrower from Seattle's Pike Place Market. Peanut guy lost 2-0; he didn't hit the target once.

> 5.12.05 - Norihiro Nakamura
If the fact that Nakamura cleared waivers on Thursday says anything about his value, it's that he has none... at least not in the United States. Since no team claimed him, he's headed to Vegas... hopefully as a cab driver.

> 5.11.05 - Jim Tracy
By the 5th inning Wednesday, it was clear that Brad Penny had run out of gas. So what did Jim Tracy do? He pulled him. Just like he should have. So what's our beef, you ask? Well, very simple: it's tougher to rip Tracy when he does the right thing. Thankfully that doesn't happen too often, but when it does, it's very upsetting.

> 5.9.05 - Brian Falkenborg
Remember Brian? Right-handed pitcher who had a 7.54 ERA for the Dodgers last year? Well, he's pitching for the Padres now. His ERA? A tidy 0.00. (Ok, so he's only pitched an inning, but he's still an asshole.)

> 5.6.05 - D.J. Houlton
Brad Penny made 89 pitches Thursday night and gave up one hit. It took D.J. Houlton all of two pitches to give up a hit. Forty-eight crappy pitches later, Houlton had given up six runs. Up by thirteen runs, the Dodgers asked Houlton to pitch two lousy innings. He couldn't even do that. What an asshole.

> 5.4.05 - Jason Phillips
Jason, any chance of running without tilting your head back and sticking out your chest? Watch some tape of yourself. You run down the line like a supermodel runs along the beach. It's goofy. Stop it please.

> 5.3.05 - Kevin Brown
Kevin Brown gave up 8 runs in 5 innings on Tuesday, raising his ERA for the Yankees to a plump 8.25. Gotta love it when an asshole's career is in the shitter.

> 5.2.05 - Jose Valentin
The guy is hitless in his last 26 at-bats. (Of course now that he's Asshole of the Moment, he'll go 3-for-4 on Tuesday with a home run and three RBIs.)

> 5.1.05 - Bob Watson
After being ejected from a game during the first week of the season, Eric Gagne was apparently ordered by Major League Baseball to stay out of the dugout for the remainder of his stint on the disabled list. Gagne didn't follow the absurd penalty (claiming he was never informed of the ban), and now he's been suspended. Does Bob Watson—Dean of Discipline—really have nothing better to do? Dude loves to exert the little bit of power he has. It's surprising he's not a parking enforcement officer.

> 4.30.05 - Frank McCourt
Obviously embarassed over the criticism of the recent stadium renovations, Frank McCourt fired Doug Duennes, vice president of stadium operations. While accountability is a good thing, a knee-jerk reaction is not... especially when it's coming from the man at the top. How's it possible for an organization to maintain stability when someone in the front office is fired every time something goes wrong? What a dick.

> 4.28.05 - Hope
A week ago, Dodger fans had it. Hope. What a fucking waste.

> 4.25.05 - Brandon Lyon
Here's what pitcher Brandon Lyon used to look like. Now that a closer for Arizona, though, he suddenly has long hair, a bushy goatee, and wears number 38. Hmmm... wonder where he got that idea.

> 4.24.05 - Jose Valentin
Next time you roll around on the ground like a little girl, you'd better have more than a bruise.

> 4.21.05 - Frank McCourt
Now that everyone is done pissing on themselves over the Dodgers' streak, it's time to get back to business.

> 4.20.05 - Dodger management
So, Brady Penny is starting for the Dodgers on Sunday in Colorado. Can't think of a better place to bring back a pitcher with an arm problem. A mile high and 40 degrees. Pure genius.

> 4.19.05 - Milton Bradley
Five home runs, but not a single ejection. Unacceptable.

> 4.15.05 - David Ross
It figures, really. David Ross, who the Dodgers traded to Pittsburgh for $75,000, hit his second and third home runs of the year on Friday. He homered to right in the second inning (with who else but Daryle Ward on base) and then hit one out to left in the fifth. If we were decent people, we'd say "Good for him!"... but we're not. So we say "What an asshole!" (Actually, the real asshole is Carlos Zambrano for throwing Ross anything other than curveballs in the dirt.)

> 4.14.05 - Peter Gammons
Possibly distracted by his leaking Depends, Peter Gammons neglected to give L.A. Times columnist Steve Henson credit for a piece mentioned in Gammon's column on Wednesday. This confirms what we've suspected for years: Gammons is nothing more than a 93-year-old plagiarizer. He issued an apology for his oversight, but it's too late—the trust is gone. Gammons has betrayed not only you and I, but the entire baseball world. Including Brent Mayne.

> 4.12.05 - The 360° ad ribbon
How long before the McCourts sell advertising space on Scully's ballsack?

> 4.11.05 - Derek Lowe
The jokes about Derek Lowe's infatuation with Boston are beginning to lose their humor. It was clear that Lowe never wanted to leave the Red Sox (and you can't blame him), but it's time for him to get over it. Lowe was in Boston on Monday to get his World Series ring... and to cry over spilled milk: "I was standing next to Jason (Varitek)," Lowe told Boston.com, "and I said 'You're lucky, you get to play here for the next four years.'" Lowe went on to lament the fact that the Red Sox never contacted him about coming back. He then chained himself to David Ortiz and refused to leave the field. Yeah, tough to be making $36 million. A-hole.

> 4.9.05 - Jim Tracy
A few days ago, Jim Tracy refused to talk about 2004. After being asked about Adrian Beltre, Tracy repeatedly said, "It's 2005." Funny how quickly he forgot. After Jose Valentin's home run Friday night, Tracy immediately spoke of last year: "What we witnessed was indicative during the entire 2004 season. You didn't beat the Dodgers until you recorded all 27 outs." So full of shit.

> 4.8.05 - Shawn Green
In anticipation of Green not once grounding weakly to the right side against the Dodgers this weekend, he's Asshole of the Moment.

> 4.6.05 - Jose Valentin
Never fails. We make a guy Asshole of the Moment one day, he has 4 RBIs the next. What an asshole.

> 4.5.05 - Jose Valentin
Said Jose Valentin after his game-costing error on Tuesday: "The ball and the chalk are the same color." The ball and the chalk are the same color? It's one thing to lose a ball in the lights, lose a ball in the sun, or lose a ball in the crowd. But lose a ball in the fucking ground? Wow, what an asshole.

> 4.4.05 - Darren Dreifort
As the Dodgers open the season, we'd like to take a moment to remember the one guy on the team who won't be setting foot on the field all season: Darren Dreifort. So, while he and his nine wins (each of which cost the Dodgers $6.1 million over the past 4 years) are still in our memory, Dreifort is Asshole of the Moment.

> 4.3.05 - Dodger Stadium painters
The outfield wall at Dodger Stadium is now black. (The Dodgers may claim it's dark blue, but let's be serious—it's black.) While the color black is probably appropriate considering that most Dodger fans are still in mourning over the loss of their favorite players, it's a little too dark. Even for us. How 'bout stepping it down to midnight blue?

> 4.1.05 - Rex Hudler
With the each year's Freeway Series come a few certainties: Remorse over the Dodgers' loss of Mike Scioscia, depression over the reality of the Dodgers' roster, and Rex Hudler as Asshole of the Moment. Angel fans might get to watch Vladimir Guerrero, but they also have to listen to Hudler, a schmuck if there ever was one. He insists on holding a baseball in the booth (in case the Angels suddenly need another guy on the field), he calls Jason Repko 'Jason Reepko' (apparently because it's way too tough to learn how to prononce a new name), and he gloats about how he knew how severe Adam Kennedy's injury was as soon as the guy walked off the field (as opposed to his broadcast partner Steve Physioc, who was so foolish as to think Kennedy was ok). Hey Rex, you suck.

> 3.31.05 - The Inland Empire
It was recently brought to our attention that Chin Feng Chen's uniform number (43) was retired in San Bernardino, where he played for the Dodgers' Single-A team in 1999. The guy can't seem to make it past Triple-A, but a bunch of people in San Bernardino thought he was the next Ken Griffey Jr. (whose retired number is hanging 20 feet from Chen's). Only in the 909.

> 3.28.05 - Kaz Ishii
Big surprise: Kas Ishii has suddenly discovered the strike zone. In his first appearance as a New York Met (albeit in a minor league game), Ishii pitched two scoreless innings, striking out three and throwing 17 of his 25 pitches for strikes. Ishii faces the Dodgers on Thursday. Look for him to strike out Jason Phillips seven times.

> 3.27.05 - Dodger medical staff
While Eric Gagne might say that his sprained knee is better, it's obvious that he isn't right. After a couple shaky outings last week, Gagne had a rough inning against Washington minor leaguers on Sunday, giving up a run and throwing two wild pitches. Gagne is a competitor, and you've got to love that, but he's not going to raise his hand and say he can't pitch. It's the responsibility of the medical staff to make that call. Unfortunately, they've made a number of bad calls in recent years (Shawn Green, Brad Penny, etc.). The Dodgers can't afford to lose Gagne for the season, and there's really no point having a Gagne who's only pitching at 75%. Someone needs to step up, and for the good of the team, sit Gagne down.

> 3.23.05 - Paul DePodesta
Once again, the Dodgers are all over the place. When they traded for Hee Seop Choi last season, Paul DePodesta said he was pleased to "add a young, powerful, left-handed bat to the lineup." He went on to say, "This trade will not only help us this season, but we also expect to reap the rewards for years to come... In order to do something special, sometimes you have to take some risks." By February, however, DePodesta had changed his tune: "He doesn't need to be spectacular," he said of Choi. On Thursday, DePodesta lowered his expectations even more, saying that he'd be satisfied if Choi hit 15 home runs and knocked in 40. "We've improved our lineup by adding the power of Jeff Kent, J.D. Drew, Jose Valentin," said DePodesta, explaining that Choi's offensive production isn't the key to the Dodgers success. Interesting how less than a month ago Jim Tracy said the complete opposite: "Our ballclub is structured to where you must get production from the first base position." Just a thought, but maybe DePodesta and Tracy should chat once in awhile.

> 3.18.05 - The House Committee
It's really a shame that the House committee didn't subpoena Jim Tracy to testify yesterday. Just imagine…. Mr. Tracy, have you ever been aware of steroid use in baseball? “Have I ever been aware of steroid use in baseball?” Yes, Mr. Tracy, that is what we are asking you. “Am I aware that I was just asked that question? Yes I am.” Well then, Mr. Tracy, will you please answer the question? “Will I answer the question? Yes, I will.” Go ahead then, Mr. Tracy. And please remember that you're under oath. “Have I taken an oath? Yes, I have.” Mr. Tracy, one last time, please answer the question. “Have I ever been aware of steroid use in baseball? I believe I have answered the question.”

> 3.17.05 - People who wear green
Are you Irish? No? Then stop pretending like today means anything. Even worse than the people who wear green, however, are the people who threaten to pinch everyone who's not wearing green. Pinch me and I'll shove Peter O'Malley's Irish fist up your ass. Thankfully the Dodgers were rained out so no one had to see them play nine innings with green hats.

> 3.14.05 - Shawn Green
The Dodgers were dismantled, and Shawn Green was one of the casualties. Still, however, he refuses to talk shit. "I guess the way I look at it, anything that's happened I haven't taken personal," Green said. Man, that's no fun. How about, "I'm glad they fucking traded me. That organization is a mess. And for the record, I was tired of throwing my batting gloves to spoiled kids sitting in the front row." Asshole should have said something like that.

> 3.9.05 - Brad Penny
Big surprise: Penny probably won't be ready for opening day. It's not his fault that he's got the arm of Darren Dreifort, but we've got to be angry at someone.

> 3.5.05 - Paul DePodesta
So, Paul DePodesta assembled the current mess of Dodgers with steroid use a major consideration. He wanted a clean team, he told the LA Times. So he lets go of Steve Finley, one of the healthiest guys in baseball? He dumps Shawn Green, who probably wouldn't go so far as to even take a multi-vitamin? He lets go of Alex Cora? Dave Roberts? Paul Lo Duca? The only juice these guys were on was apple juice. Yet he picks up Jose Valentin—who many have their suspicions about. What a load.

> 3.1.05 - Jim Tracy
So, Jim Tracy is so concerned about the offensive production of his two crappy catchers that he's considering carrying a third crappy catcher. Makes perfect sense.

> 2.28.05 - Derek Lowe
It's more than a week into spring training, but Derek Lowe is apparently still learning everyone's name. On Monday, he referred to Jim Tracy as Paul Tracy. Wait... that's awesome. Forget 'Asshole of the Moment'... Derek Lowe is 'Hero of the Moment'. God bless him... not only screwing up his manager's name, but fusing him together with the GM who gave him $36 million dollars. Beautiful.

> 2.26.05 - The U.S. Government
Someone in the United States government—someone who's obviously not a Dodger fan—has granted Norihiro Nakamura visa clearance. That unfortunately means that the mediocre third baseman will be in camp on Tuesday. Truly a shame.

> 2.25.05 - Spring Training drills
Fielding practice, baserunning clinics, those damn games of pepper. If we've said it once, we've said it twice: these high-impact drills are just accidents waiting to happen. When will coaches learn that under no circumstances should a player have to twist, bend, plant, turn, jump, reach, or squat? Spring training is not about getting ready for the season—it's about avoiding injury until the season. On Thursday, Eric Gagne sprained a ligament in his left knee during a game of pepper. Gagne doesn't figure to miss much time, but even if he did, would it really matter? After all, what good is a closer if his team never has a lead? Nonetheless, these drills must stop before someone gets killed... or even worse, improves their fielding.

> 2.24.05 - Jose Valentin
The last time Jose Valentin tried to bat right-handed (2003), he hit .131. Last season, he made the smart decision to stick to the left side of the plate. Realizing, however, that he's likely facing a platoon situation in '05, Valentin plans to switch hit once again. If the dude thinks a .131 average from the right side of the plate is going to get him MORE playing time, he's in for a surprise.

> 2.23.05 - J.D. Drew
Well, J.D. Drew is batting 1.000... he missed the first day of Spring Training due to the flu. It's a little early to pull out the 'flu' excuse, which just means he'll be forced to use the 'I hurt my tooth with a spoon' excuse very soon.

> 2.22.05 - Jim Tracy
Just warming up for the regular season.

> 2.21.05 - Frank and DePo
Two months after the Dodgers basically let him go, Steve Finley has begun to talk. Not surprisingly, he doesn't have glowing things to say about Frank and DePo. Finley says he was told back when the Dodgers acquired him that they had every intention of keeping him if he met expectations. Maybe the Dodgers' expectations were out of whack, because they essentially made no attempt to bring him back. "That was the only thing sour about the Dodgers. I like honesty. I like doing business the right way, and I didn't feel that was doing business the right way." The Dodgers? Not doing business the right way? Nooooooo. It can't be.

> 2.18.05 - Giovanni Carrara
Carrara was the only Dodger pitcher or catcher not to report on time to Vero. It's clear he won't be ready for the season. What an asshole.

> 2.11.05 - Jose Canseco
If you're going to inject a teammate with steroids, at least inject him in the right place. In his book, Canseco says he personally injected Wilson Alvarez with steroids when the two were teammates in Tampa Bay. What Canseco didn't say is that he injected Alvarez in his stomach.

> 2.2.05 - Jeromy Burnitz
Jeromy Burnitz has taken his big chin to Chicago, the latest stop in his Todd Zeile-like career. Burnitz figures to pick up with the Cubs where he left off with the Rockies: hurting the Dodgers. Burnitz hit 7 home runs against the Dodgers in '04, more than he hit against any other team. No reason to think that'll change in '05. What an asshole.

> 1.29.05 - Paul DePodesta
So, the Dodgers have made a bid for Japanese free agent third baseman Norihiro Nakamura. Whether they have won the rights to negotiate with the blond 31-year-old depends on how the Dodgers' cash bid stacks up against that of other interested teams. If Paul DePodesta bid any higher than $7, it's it's a shame. Nakamura hit 46 and 42 home runs in 2001 and 2002, but those numbers dropped to 23 and 19 in 2003 and 2004. Basically, Nakamura is Shawn Green... but Japanese. And a third baseman. And kind of fat.

> 1.28.05 - Bill Plaschke
How sweet. An entire article about how Chuck Tiffany (a Class-A prospect) has been a Dodger fan his whole life. Gee, brings tears to our eyes. Tiffany is at least two years away from the majors, and Plaschke is writing about how he'd be the first homegrown Dodger All-Star in 30 years. Why stop there? Why not write about how Tiffany figures to be the biggest thing in L.A. since Eddie Murray's afro? Why not surmise whether Tiffany will enter the Hall of Fame in a Dodgers hat or a St. Louis hat (where he'll be traded in 2013 after a bitter contract dispute). Hey Bill, admit you've got an "I Tiffany" shirt.

> 1.21.05 - Al Downing
Completing their rape of the broadcast booth, the Dodgers have hired Al Downing and Steve Lyons as analysts. A lot of people hate Steve Lyons. We don't so much. A lot of people don't hate Al Downing. We do.... so much. Al Downing is boring, arrogant, and makes Rick Monday seem like he has personality. The thought of listening to three innings of Monday and Downing stroking themselves is enough to make us wish we were deaf.

> 1.12.05 - Shawn Green
For five years, Shawn Green played in Los Angeles. Not once did he smile like he did on Tuesday when he was introduced as a member of the Arizona Diamondbacks. Who even knew the guy had teeth. What an asshole.

> 1.10.05 - Mother Nature
It's been raining in Los Angeles for about three weeks. Unless the plan is for Kaz Ishii to be swept away in a flood, it's time for some friggin' sun. Mother Nature—what a bitch.

[Editor's note: We wrote the above on Monday night. On Tuesday morning, the sky was blue—proof, yet again, of how influential Dodger Blues is.]

> 1.8.05 - Paul DePodesta
First, it's Lo Duca and Roberts. Then Finley and Lima. Then Beltre and Cora. You didn't think it could get any worse, but it just did: Brent Mayne is gone. Just as fans were beginning to connect with the 120-pound catcher, the Dodgers fail to offer him a contract. People aren't going to forgive PDP for this one—unless, of course, he gets Tom Prince back.

> 1.4.05 - The two guys who voted for Candiotti
Wade Boggs and Ryne Sandberg were elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame on Tuesday. Not huge surprises. There was one surprise, though: Tom Candiotti, a man who threw the ball slower than humanly possible, got two votes. Not to harp on it, but the laws of physics suggest that Candiotti's pitches should have literally fallen out of the air. The laws of physics, however, don't explain why two people with voting power could possibly believe that a career record of 151-164 was worthy of the Hall of Fame. (Is there any chance that Kevin Malone got to vote?)

> 1.3.05 - Arte Moreno
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim? Let's at least be honest and call them the Los Angeles Parasites of Anaheim. How long before the Anaheim stadium grounds becomes 'Chavez Ravine'? How long before Rex Hudler starts going by the name 'Vinny'? How long before the Angels retire Sandy Koufax's number? How long before Dave Spiwack is pitching for the Angels at Dodger Stadium with Leslie Neilsen calling balls and strikes?

> 1.1.05 - 2005
A brand new year... and brand new hope that come October, the Dodgers will be World Champions. But just like 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, 1995, 1994, 1993, 1992, 1991, 1990, and 1989, there's no reason to think our hopes won't be dashed. Two-thousand five. What an asshole.