.2008

> 12.30.08 - The McCourts
Among Barack Obama's newly appointed White House staff is a name that should be familiar to Dodger fans: Camille Johnston. The Dodgers' Senior VP of Communications from to October '05 to December '07, Johnston has been hired as Director of Communications for Michelle Obama. I'll take that as proof that Johnston knows what she's doing—and more evidence that the McCourts don't.

> 12.29.08 - Andruw Jones
So, the Dodgers are talking to the Mets about Andruw Jones? Gee, can't wait for him to drop 30 pounds and hit 40 home runs in New York. Bloated a-hole.

> 12.17.08 - Un-named sources
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, I'd just like to say that un-named sources (a.k.a. a baseball official, an AP source, a person close to negotiations) should stop blabbing to reporters unless they really know what they're talking about.

> 12.16.08 - Manny Ramirez
If Rafael Furcal ends up in Atlanta—and that's the way it's looking at the moment—the Dodgers really have no choice but to find a way to bring Manny back... which probably means going four years (even though no one else seems to even be offering two)... which probably means Manny puts up two good years and then turns into a combination between Milton Bradley and Gary Sheffield... but with dreadlocks... and without the production.

> 12.9.08 - Ned Colletti
Already embarrassed about the three-year deal he gave Casey Blake, here's what Ned had to say on Tuesday: "His character and the way he goes about it is great for our younger players. There really was a lack of third basemen available." Way to really talk up the guy who's going to be your third baseman for the next three years. He's a good guy, and there really wasn't much out there. Stupid ass.

> 11.27.08 - Jamie McCourt
Prepping fans for their big free-agent signing of Orlando Cabrera, Jamie McCourt made comments this week that only a McCourt would make. Would fans want 50 youth fields or a $30 million free agent? Why do contracts have to be guaranteed? Do I have vaginosis? Ok, maybe not the last one, but Jamie was basically fishing to find out if Dodger fans would cut them slack considering the country's economic situation. Sure, you want to lower tickets to six bucks, we'll cut you some fucking slack. Otherwise, shut your trap, lock yourself in one of your five homes, and give Ned Colletti the go-ahead to spend your money badly.

> 11.23.08 - Arte Moreno
If Mark Teixeira doesn't end up returning to the Angels, watch how fast Arte Moreno snaps up Manny Ramirez. Son of a bitch, I'd jump off a friggin' bridge.

> 11.5.08 - Jeff Kent
Big surprise: Jeff Kent likes motorbikes, moustaches, and straight people. Kent evidently contributed $15,000 in support of Proposition 8, which passed on Tuesday, banning gay marriage in California. One question, though: Doesn't the asshole live in Texas?

> 10.29.08 - The Rays
Well, so much for my soothsaying ability. Back in July of 2006, after the Dodgers got raped by lowly Tampa Bay in multiple trades, I predicted that the 2008 Devil Rays would win the World Series. Oops, my bad.

> 10.22.08 - Andruw Jones
According to the Atlanta Braves web site, Andruw Jones plans to approach the Dodgers this offseason and ask for a trade. Yeah, Fatty, your problem is that you're in Los Angeles. Uh-huh, that's it. Instead of asking for a trade, how about crawling every inch of the Dodger Stadium parking lot, cleaning trash, picking weeds, and scraping up gum. Maybe then you'll have begun to earn the first $50 of the $36 million the Dodgers are paying you. A-hole.

> 10.16.08 - JD Drew
Just when I had begun to heal from the sting of being eliminated by the Phillies, I have to watch Nancy Drew hit a huge home run in the 8th inning and get the game-winning hit in the 9th to stun the Devil Rays. Is it possible that I dislike the guy more now than when he was a Dodger?

> 10.15.08 - Tim McCarver
Hey Tim, if you want to make a baby with Shane Victornio, fine... but keep the rest of the country out of it.

> 10.13.08 - Manny Ramirez
The Dodgers need you in the eighth inning, and all you can manage is a 380-foot double? Just on base five times Monday? Just a .593 OBP this postseason? Useless.

> 10.12.08 - Dodger Fans
It's the first NLCS game at Dodger Stadium in twenty years, and you've got tickets. So where are you at 5:20 when the game is starting? Driving along the 110 Freeway. Or getting off the 5. Or searching through your trunk for your binoculars. Or trying to decide whether to buy three Dodger Dogs or seven. Whatever the hell you were doing, you sure as hell weren't in your seat when the first pitch was thrown on Sunday—a good 20% of the seats were empty. You weren't in your seat, either, when Jonathan Broxton ended the game—a good 30% of the seats were empty. What a fucking embarrassment. Tropicana Field was full on Saturday night at 1:30 am when the Devil Rays knocked off Boston in the 11th inning, but Dodger fans apparently had more important things to do on a Sunday afternoon than support their fucking team. Hey, I know, traffic in L.A. is a bitch—but are you just discovering this for the first time? Here's an idea: give yourself an extra goddamn hour and stop giving the rest of us a bad name. Assholes.

> 10.10.08 - Nomar Garciaparra
Ninth inning, tying runs on base... and Nomar swings at three pitches that he couldn't touch with a telephone pole. Nice veteran at-bat.

> 10.9.08 - Tim McCarver
Not to cross the line or anything, but I'd like to see Tim McCarver fall to his death from a helicopter... with Joe Morgan strapped to his leg for the hell of it.

> 10.4.08 - Billy Crystal
Billy Crystal may be a comedian, but there's nothing funny about what a dick he is. A Mets fan? A Yankees fan? Saturday, there he was at Dodger Stadium with an LA hat. Hmmm... didn't see him at the stadium when the Dodgers were five games under .500. Asshole.

> 10.2.08 - F Pie
I took a look at the Dodgers-Cubs boxscore on Thursday night, and I've never been so offended. There it was, right below Jim Edmonds' name: F Pie. Excuse me? F Pie? I mean, I could understand F Broccoli, or F Traffic, or F Palin... but F Pie? Pie is like the best thing ever. That's just wrong.

> 10.1.08 - Cubs Fans
It's always nice to hate an opponent's fans, but I can't hate Chicago fans. And I hate that. Assholes.

> 9.28.08 - Daryle Ward
How this guy is still in baseball is beyond me, but if the Cubs are dumb enough to include him on their postseason roster, you just know he'll F the Dodgers at some point.

> 9.26.08 - Juan Pierre
The Dodgers may be division champs, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch Juan Pierre try to throw someone out at home from short left field. For the love of God, Juan, why don't you just run it to the plate next time? At least then you wouldn't have to stand in the outfield afterwards with that ashamed look on your face.

> 9.25.08 - Arizona Diamondbacks
I knew the Diamondbacks were bad, but a 12-3 loss when their season is on the line? Fuckers. Thanks for taking all the buzz out of Dodger Stadium tonight.

> 9.24.08 - Andruw Jones
So, the Dodgers are footing the bill for Andruw Jones' off-season trainer and nutritionist. I guess Fat Boy needs all his money for cheeseburgers.

> 9.21.08 - Larry Bowa
Next time you're about to wave a guy home on a sharply hit single to an outfielder with a solid arm, Larry, maybe take a look at the on-deck circle first. Asshole.

> 9.17.08 - Joe Beimel
As the Dodgers move closer to the playoffs, here's a tip for the guys: Don't hang out with Joe Beimel. Everyone knows about the broken glass incident at the bar in New York a couple years ago, and Tuesday night he's in a car with Russell Martin and Delywn Young that gets pulled over and searched outside PNC Park. If I'm a Dodger and Joe Beimel goes one way, I go the other. Just a thought.

> 9.16.08 - Tom Browning
It was 20 years ago today that Tom Browning pitched a perfect game against the Dodgers. I always thought he looked like a pig.

> 9.14.08 - Maggie Ethier
It Just pop the kid out already and let your husband get back to work. Oh, and name the kid Yhency.

> 9.9.08 - Joe Torre
Great decision, Joe, putting a guy in the lineup who admitted a week ago that he can't help the team. So what does Andruw Jones do? Goes 0-for-4 with two strikeouts, a double play grounder, and he's caught trying to advance on a wild pitch. Shocking.

> 9.8.08 - Matt Kemp
Seven for forty-seven. Thanks for showing up for September, Matt.

> 9.5.08 - Vin Scully
Not that I had much faith that the Dodgers would go deep in the playoffs this season (or even reach the playoffs), but Vin Scully just sealed the Dodgers' fate. Announcing that he's returning for a 60th season as the Dodgers' announcer next year, it was basically Vinny saying, The 2008 Dodgers pretty much suck ass—you think I'm going out like this?

> 9.2.08 - Andre Ethier
Sure, he went 3-for-4 and scored four runs on Tuesday night, but his stick might end up costing the Dodgers later this month. No, the other stick. It seems Andre and his wife are expecting their first child soon, and he said Monday that he'll leave the team for a couple days when the time comes. Look, I'm all about family so I can't argue his decision... but I can argue his timing. The next time you want to make a baby, Andre, look nine months down the road before humping away.

> 8.31.08 - Joe Morgan
I always look forward to Sunday Night Baseball because there's a guaranteed Asshole of the Moment. Middle of the game, Jon Miller and Peter Gammons are talking about the possibility of permanently moving Russell Martin to the infield next year, and one of them compares the situation to that of Craig Biggio. Before they're even done with the sentence, there's Joe Morgan jumping in to point out that "not just anybody can play second base." Oh, that's right, Joe—only Craig Biggio and you. You little fucker.

> 8.30.08 - Russell Martin
When Gabor Paul Bako III was a Dodger a couple years ago, he got injured and never got to show us what he was capable of over an entire season. Thanks to Russell Martin channeling Bako, though, we're finally getting that chance.

> 8.28.08 - Scott Radinsky
Since I'm tired of focusing on the Dodger failures of today, let's look at a Dodger failure of the past: It was ten years ago today that Scott Radinsky blew a save against the New York Mets. Asshole.

> 8.27.08 - Joe Torre
Clearly bored by the Dodgers' play, Joe Torre has found a new way to entertain himself: fuck with guys who really don't matter. On Wednesday, Torre told pitcher Tanyon Sturtze that he was being cut to make room for Cory Wade on the roster. But a few minutes later, as Sturtze packed up his belongings, Torre told him the Dodgers had changed their mind—he'd be staying for now. Glad Torre and his crew really have it together.

> 8.26.08 - Andruw Jones
Word is Andruw Jones is getting time at first base in Vegas. I'm sure James Loney is quivering in his pants. How 'bout we give up this Andruw Jones rehab crap and just make him a pitcher already. Think of it as Rick Ankiel in reverse.

> 8.20.08 - Joe Torre
Good work, Joe. Instead of just having the balls to tell Russell Martin that he's taking a day off, you put two people out of position and they make three errors, costing the Dodgers the game.

(Honorable Mention today goes to Jake Peavy, who let the Diamondbacks walk all over him and knock the Dodgers further out of first.)

> 8.19.08 - Brian Falkenborg
You may have missed it this past week, but the Dodgers let Brian Falkenborg go... and he hooked on with the Padres (again). With Greg Maddux now a Dodger (again), can't you see what's happening? September 25th... three games left in the season... Dodgers facing the Padres... Maddux gives up twelve runs... Falkenborg strikes out seventeen in three innings and the Dodgers are eliminated.

> 8.17.08 - Chan Ho Park
I don't care if you're facing Ryan Braun or Eva Braun, you don't throw an 0-2 pitch down the fucking middle. And you definitely don't take your glove off and throw it to the ground like a little leaguer. A-hole.

> 8.14.08 - Joe Torre
You happy, Joe? Manny Ramirez takes an inch off his hair and goes hitless. Get over the hair thing already. Who gives a shit if a guy's hair is long, smelly, turquoise, or pulled up into a goddamn bun? If a guy can hit like Manny Ramirez, let him wear a friggin' fishtank on his head if he wants to. Worrried about hurting Joe Beimel's feelings? Jesus Christ—it's Joe Beimel! The guy cut his hand in a bar the night before a playoff game. He'll get over it.

> 8.12.08 - Mark Sweeney
As Russell Martin slid into home plate with the winning run on Tuesday night, on-deck hitter Mark Sweeney pumped his arms in the air and bear-hugged the Dodgers catcher from behind. Excited about the win? Maybe. More excited that he wouldn't have to bat with two outs in the ninth of a tie game? Absolutely.

> 8.10.08 - Casey Blake
I think it's pretty safe to say that botching a game-ending double-play is grounds for being named Asshole of the Moment. Bearded dickhead. Shave that shit so you don't look like a hippie rapist.

> 8.7.08 - Cesar Izturis
Izturis, who had pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth since being dealt by the Dodgers for Greg Maddux at the 2006 trading deadline, went 6-for-12 against the Dodgers this week, including ruining Clayton Kershaw’s shutout on Thursday. Time for him to drop off the face of the Earth again.

> 8.5.08 - Jason Schmidt
Apparently Jason Schmidt will throw a bullpen session later this week to gauge his chances of pitching for the Dodgers this season. Jason, I'll save you about 60 throws and some Advil by telling you to just sit the hell down, let your contract run out, and then go far, far away (taking Ned with you).

> 8.3.08 - Manny Ramirez
Thanks a lot Manny, you've got people thinking Ned Colletti is the best thing since the invention of the shoe. Can you take it down a notch?

> 8.2.08 - Nomar Garciaparra
Will someone please put this guy out of his misery already? He's on the DL for, what, the tenth time this season? And people think he can still play shortstop? Holy shit, man.

> 8.1.08 - Paul Lo Duca
Released by the Washington Nationals. That's what he gets for cheating on Sonia.

> 7.31.08 - Theo Epstein
Clearly, the Red Sox GM knows something about Manny Ramirez that the Dodgers don't. Just wait.

> 7.28.08 - Nomar Garciaparra
So, a mild sprain, huh? See you in two months.

> 7.22.08 - Matt Kemp
Screw you for looking like a future Hall-of-Famer one day and an overrated prospect the next. Every time I decide that I'm okay with you being traded, you put on a show. And every time I decide that show needs to stay in L.A., you remind me why you're the one who should be traded.

> 7.20.08 - Derek Lowe
Guys love it when they're down three runs in the first inning against an All-Star pitcher. On behalf of your teammates, Derek, screw you.

> 7.17.08 - Andruw Jones
It's such a shame when Andruw Jones leaves a game early—it eliminates half my bathroom breaks.

> 7.14.08 - Mike Easler
With Don Mattingly rejoining the Dodgers as hitting coach after the All-Star break, Mike Easler is out of a job... but will "remain with the organization as planned," said Ned Colletti. Hmmmm. Dammit, Easler, I said two Dodger Dogs and a Coke—can't you get anything right?

> 7.4.08 - Matt Luke
Aside from Tommy Lasorda referring to the LA Philharmonic as the "Philharmonica," the highlight of the July 4th/Dodgers Spectacular at the Hollywood Bowl had to be this: Matt Luke being introduced as a "Dodger great". Don Newcombe, Tommy Davis, Ken Landreaux... Matt Fuckin' Luke? The guy had 102 at-bats as a Dodger and hit .236. Do you think Luke was a little embarrassed to walk on stage Friday night? I sure as hell hope so.

> 7.3.08 - Andruw Jones
You couldn't have taken a few more months to rehab? Just had to come back, did ya?

> 6.30.08 - Jason Repko
Wow, Jason Repko sure didn't waste any time making Dodger fans yearn for the days of Juan Pierre. Filling in for the injured Juan-for-Four, Repko struck out four times on Monday—and was saved from a fifth only by a balk.

> 6.29.08 - Juan Pierre
I don't doubt that Juan Pierre was in pain Sunday when Erick Aybar landed on his knee in the sixth inning, but at least be a man about it. Rolling around in the dirt and then walking off the field practically sulking, Pierre did everything but ask Stan Conte to kiss the boo-boo and make it all better.

> 6.27.08 - Andre Ethier
If you haven't seen Andre's restaurant blog yet, drop by your local elementary school and ask a 3rd grader to write a couple of paragraphs about their latest dining experience. You'd probably be better off.

> 6.22.08 - Nomar Garciaparra
Told by his physical therapist to cease all baseball activities for ten days to allow his balsa wood bones to heal, Nomar Garciaparra has decided on his own that five days is enough. Can anyone say 365-day DL?

> 6.19.08 - Charley Steiner
"The biggest at-bat of the game," Steiner proclaimed in the top of the 9th inning Thursday with one out, the Dodgers up by two runs, and James Loney standing at third base. Sure, an insurance run would help, but biggest at-bat of the game?? How about biggest belly in the booth?

> 6.17.08 - Hiroki Kuroda
Trying to act like a true Dodger by complaining about your shoulder and getting an MRI? Wrong! You're supposed to pitch with the pain for two months, go 0-8, and then mention that you've been experiencing soreness and vaginal discharge.

> 6.14.08 - Fred McGriff
It was on this day five years ago that Fred McGriff was placed on the disabled list by the Dodgers. It was McGriff's first trip to the disabled list in his 18-year career—and not his last trip. Four days after coming off the DL, he'd be right back on it again. He'd end the season with 13 home runs—his lowest total since coming out of the womb.

> 6.11.08 - Randy Wolf
Had an ERA of almost five last season with the Dodgers—well, for the two months he wasn't on the disabled list. So should it come as a surprise that he strikes out nine and gives up just four hits against the Dodgers on Wednesday? Assface.

> 6.10.08 - Dodger Doctors
Wow, what a job these guys are doing. No one knows what's wrong with Nomar Garciaparra's calf, Rafael Furcal is now out another three weeks, and Jason Schmidt is experiencing pain in his surgically-repaired right shoulder. Any chance that Dodger players have PPOs and can pick their own doctor?

> 6.8.08 - Joe Morgan, Jon Miller, and Peter Gammons
Clearly pained by having to broadcast a Dodger game, the ESPN trio spent a half inning on Sunday night talking about Red Sox Nation. I’ll tell you what, why don’t the three of you fly back east, get naked, and rub your junk all over Kevin Youkilis’ smelly goatee. No one needs the three of you in California.

> 6.7.08 - Ned Colletti
Angel Berroa, the 2003 AL ROY who spent the last season and a half in the minors because he wasn't good enough for the friggin' Royals, is now a Dodger. Way to go, Ned, the Diamondbacks must be shitting in their pants. If Furcal is returning in about ten days, and you've stuck with shitty Hu and Maza this long, why bother with Berroa now? Oh, because you're an idiot.

> 6.5.08 - Ethan Martin
How long before the Dodgers' first-round pick Thursday is serving you ice cream at Cold Stone?

> 6.3.08 - Jeff Kent
Finally, Jeff Kent hustles—in the opposite direction of the brawl. Way to be there for your teammates.

> 6.1.08 - Terry Tiffee's parents
If your last name is Tiffee, why would you give your son a first name that compounds the problem? Tiffee is as bad as it gets, but a kid could live with a name like Steve Tiffee or Brandon Tiffee. But Terry Tiffee? Sounds like a little mouse. What assholes.

> 5.31.08 - Jason Schmidt
As Jason Schmidt's return apparently gets closer, Joe Torre is considering using Schmidt as a long-reliever for Clayton Kershaw. Look, I realize that the Dodgers don't want to pull a Darren Dreifort with Kershaw and destroy the kid's arm, but how about giving him a fucking chance first? Glad Schmidt will be returning just in time to take innings away from someone who actually has a future with the team. Hopefully Jason does us all a favor while he's on rehab in the Inland Empire and gets a tapeworm from Applebee's.

> 5.27.08 - Tommy Lasorda
Like fingernails on a chalkboard: Take Me Out to the Ballgame

> 5.26.08 - Rafael Furcal
You're thirty years old, not fifty. Pop a goddamn Advil or two and get back on the field.

> 5.23.08 - Shawn Green
It was on this day six years ago that Shawn Green hit four home runs in Milwaukee, going 6-for-6 with 19 total bases. After that performance, I guess, he felt justified going through the rest of his Dodger career hitting ground balls to second base, refusing to dive in the outfield, and showing the emotion of a traffic light.

> 5.20.08 - News Corp
Almost ten years to the day (and 250 home runs later) after the Fuckers from Fox traded Mike Piazza to the Florida Marlins, the former Dodgers catcher officially retired on Tuesday. Really nothing to say except EAT MY SOILED UNDERWEAR, RUPERT MURDOCH!

> 5.19.08 - Andruw Jones
According to results from an MRI taken on Monday, Andruw Jones may need to undergo knee surgery that could sideline him for five weeks. "Hopefully I can do it in the off-season," Jones said. The offseason? Why, so he can continue to suck the life out of the team's offense for the next four months? A-hole.

> 5.15.08 - Joe Torre
"Donny will see little things, physical things," Torre said of Don Mattingly on Wednesday. "Whether it's the feet, first move on your hips; different things that he could really look for. That makes him so valuable for me." Asked how he feels about actual hitting coach Mike Easler, Torre responded, "Who?"

> 5.13.08 - Juan Pierre
Eric Gagne walks Andruw Jones—the potential tying run—and Juan Pierre goes up to the plate and swings at the first pitch. A little tough to beat out a pop-up to short, isn't it Juan? A-hole.

> 5.11.08 - Joe Torre
A day after Torre says he's concerned about Dodger starters not going deep enough into games, he pulls Hiroki Kuroda in the middle of a 97-pitch one-hitter. Awesome.

> 5.7.08 - Darryl Strawberry
It was on this day seventeen years ago that Darryl Strawberry returned to New York as a Dodger. A crowd of 49,118 booed when Strawberry hit a two-run home run, and cheered when he made the last out of the game with the potential tying and winning runs on base in the 6-5 Met victory. Strawberry would go on, of course, to beat his girlfriend, fail to report hundreds of thousands of dollars in income, do coke, solicit sex from a police officer posing as a prostitute, be sued by his attorney, file phony police reports, escape drug treatment centers, and leave the scene of an accident. Nothing but class.

> 5.3.08 - Charter Communications
If Vin Scully's broadcasting career is indeed nearing the end, Charter Communications just robbed me (and anyone else with this shitty cable company) of nine precious innings. The picture was fine on Saturday, but aside from the background fan noise at Coors Field, there was no audio beginning midway through the first inning. At first I thought Vinny may have croaked right there in the booth. Then, deciding not to be so morbid, I decided he just couldn't handle watching Andruw Jones anymore and decided to retire in mid-inning. When I finally tuned in 790 to discover that Vinny was indeed alive, hadn't abruptly retired, and was actually two minutes ahead of the TV broadcast, I realized what was really happening: the people at Charter were smoking crack instead of doing their fucking jobs. Assholes.

> 5.1.08 - Vin Scully
For the love of God, Vinny—and I know you do love him—please don't leave us with Rick, Charley, and Steve. If it means broadcasting the games from your bedroom, fine by me.

> 4.29.08 - Mark Hendrickson
Since the Dodgers are playing the Marlins, this might be a good time to point out that Mark Hendrickson is 4-1 this season. Yes, he's the same Mark Hendrickson who—when he was in LA—could get a cat out of a tree but not a batter out at the plate. Amazonian a-hole.

> 4.25.08 - Chuggers
Was I at Dodger Stadium on Friday night or a trashy bar in North Hollywood? Was I at a baseball game or a goddamn frat party? While some fans played with beachballs and a few even watched the game (imagine that), everyone else in the Field Level near the right-field foul pole spent the first five innings engaged in the classiest of activities: a beer-chugging contest. "CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG..." is all I heard until, I guess, all those assholes finally ran out of money. Do me a favor, fucknuts, and get the hell out of my stadium. You want to chug beer and scream like apes? Do it in hell, because you're going there soon enough.

> 4.22.08 - Paul Bako
Not only is Paul Bako (a.k.a. Gabor Paul Bako III) still alive, he's still in the majors. And not only is he still in the majors, he's driving in runs against the Dodgers. Beautiful.

> 4.20.08 - Randy Wolf
Just for the record, Randy Wolf is now 2-0 with a 2.49 ERA. Not that I'm paying attention.

> 4.18.08 - Don Mattingly
He joins the Dodgers in Atlanta, and all they can score is a run? Who needs him.

> 4.16.08 - President Bush
Thousands of Americans have died in Iraq, and President Bush invites Tommy Lasorda to greet the fucking Pope? Something just bothers me about that... unless, of course, the Pope can hit with runners in scoring position.

> 4.15.08 - Dodgers.com
If there was a poll that included Todd Worrell and Jeff Shaw as choices, you might think the question would be something like "Which of the following people made you so angry that you shot your sister in the head?" Think again. On Dodgers.com, both Worrell and Shaw are among the choices for all-time Dodger relief pitcher. Vote now. Maybe see if you can do a write-in vote for Mike Trombley.

> 4.13.08 - Yours Truly
If I can give Juan Pierre a hard time every day, it's only fair that I acknowledge my own adult league performance today: 0-for-6 without a ball hit beyond the infield. I'm a total fucking disgrace and should have been beaten up by my teammates.

> 4.12.08 - Steiner Sports
You can finally make your fantasy a reality. Check this out.

> 4.11.08 - Ned Colletti
Jones signing looking good, Ned. Keep up the great work. Shitbag.

> 4.9.08 - Wilkin Ruan
Outfielder Wilkin Ruan, who hasn't played in the majors since 2003 but was taking up space at Triple-A, was released on Tuesday by the Dodgers. Sad days indeed. Even sadder is that he'll sign with the Padres, be called up in September, and then fuck the Dodgers by stealing home in the 12th inning. Asshole.

> 4.7.08 - Joe Torre
Was I just dreaming, or did Joe Torre say he was going to give Russell Martin some time off this season?

> 4.5.08 - Jake Peavy
Whether it was poo-poo, chocolate, or a substance a little more illicit, there was definitely something brown on Jake Peavy's fingers Saturday night—as pointed out by some sleuths in the fan forum. Any way you cut it (spreading fecal bacteria, eating candy during a game, or cheating), Peavy's an asshole.

> 4.4.08 - Randy Wolf
Gives up one run in six innings for the Padres on Thursday. A-hole.

> 4.1.08 - Larry Bowa
What a crazy asshole. I love it!

> 3.31.08 - Russell Martin
"We're going to soon realize how good we really are," said Russell Martin after the Dodgers' Opening Day win. Opening Day, for chrissakes. If the Dodgers win four of the first five, he's going to want his uniform in the Hall of Fame.

> 3.30.08 - Ned Colletti
Thanks to Ned's wise spending, the Dodgers start the season with a $47 million dollar pitcher on the DL, a $44 million dollar outfielder on the bench, an $8 million fifth starter who was really beat out for the job by a guy who's now at Triple-A, an $8.5 million dollar pinch-hitter on the DL, and a 40-year-old second baseman who can't run and would rather be on a motorbike in the desert.

> 3.29.08 - Steve Garvey
Come on, just look at the guy.

> 3.25.08 - The Blue Man Group
So, it looks like KCAL is sticking with the Blue Man Group for their Dodger commercials again this year. Thrilling. Nothing says "exciting baseball" like a bunch of assholes dancing around in blue paint. If color is the only criteria, why not the fucking Smurfs? After all, it's their 50th anniversary this year, too. (Yes, I'm ashamed that I know that.)

> 3.19.08 - Ned Colletti
If I was a little more mature, maybe I wouldn't need to denounce Ned Colletti each time Nomar Garciaparra ends up on the disabled list... but I'm not mature, so I'm denouncing him. Moustached moron.

> 3.16.08 - Frank McCourt
"I think this has opened the eyes of all the Americans here," Frank McCourt said as the Dodgers wrapped up their China trip on Sunday. "We came with a gift, the gift of baseball but I think we left with a bigger gift - the hospitality, the warmth and friendship of the Chinese people." Hmmm... how do you say 'completely full of shit' in Chinese?

> 3.10.08 - Chan Ho Park
Having now pitched seven scoreless innings this spring, Chan Ho Park is moving closer to securing a spot on the team... which means he's also moving closer to his first appearance in April when he gives up six runs in two-thirds of an inning.

> 3.6.08 - Ned Colletti
"What are the odds of having two third basemen go down in 15 minutes," asked Ned Colletti after the Dodgers lost Andy LaRoche and Nomar Garciaparra on Friday. Well I'm not a mathmetician, Ned, but I'm pretty sure the odds are the same as any two guys going down in 15 minutes. LaRoche and Nomar. Kemp and Ethier. Loney and your mom. Same odds.

> 3.1.08 - The 1986 Dodgers
It's no wonder why they only won 73 games. If you haven't seen it yet, watch this... and try watching it just once.

> 2.26.08 - Mark Sweeney
Boy, nothing says intensity like singing girly songs in the showers. Mark Sweeney, who got Barry Bonds to portray American Idol judge Paul Abdul last season, has convinced the Dodgers to do their own version of American Idol this week. At least he's smart enough to do it this week before he's cut. Asshole.

> 2.21.08 - Dr. Frank Jobe
Dr. Frank Jobe, the man who saved Tommy John's career and performed ligament replacement surgery on over 1,000 other athletes, was named special advisor to Frank McCourt on Thursday. The biggest part of this story, though, is the news that Jobe is 82 years old. Eighty-two?? When the hell did that happen? What the fuck is going on?

> 2.13.08 - Matt Herges
Former Dodger Matt Herges came clean Wednesday, admitting that he used performance-enhancing drugs—calling it his "dirty little secret." Dirty little secret? Come on, Matt, a dirty little secret would be having pictures of Jeff Reboulet and Mike Trombley sniffing their own underpants. Or a revelation that the guys in the pen would piss on each others hands before coming in the game. Or proof that Todd Hollandworth really isn't his brother-in-law, but actually his sister's pimp. But all you got is HGH? Asshole.

> 2.8.08 - Junichi Yamamoto
Takashi Saito is dead—at the hands of a sumo trainer named Junichi Yamamoto. (Read here.)

> 2.4.08 - Kim Mattingly

Enough said.

> 1.26.08 - Paul Shuey
If only Paul Shuey had managed to avoid injury in 2004 and stay with the Dodgers, we might have been witnessing one of the greatest reunions in the history of baseball: that of Shuey and his best friend, Tom Martin, who the Dodgers have invited to Spring Training. Such a shame.

> 1.22.08 - Joe Beimel
With Scott Proctor agreeing to a one-year deal on Saturday, the Dodgers' only arbitration-eligible player is Joe Beimel—the same Joe Beimel who missed the playoffs in '06 because he was out getting drunk. The Dodgers have offered Beimel $1.7 million, but he's asking for $2.15 million. Little tip for Joe: take the $1.7 and consider yourself lucky.

> 1.19.08 - Jason Repko
The Dodgers avoided arbitration with Jason Repko on Friday, agreeing to a one-year, $487,500 contract. Repko celebrated by running headfirst into a bus.

> 1.14.08 - Johnny Podres
Relax, I'm kidding. Podres was a huge part of Dodger history, and DB mourns his passing.

> 1.9.08 - Jeff Kent
"The other day I took one of my boys to Target and he had a gift card to buy a video game," Kent told LA Times' columnist TJ Simers. "He said, 'Dad, I could just rip this package open and put it in my pocket and nobody would ever know.' I told him, 'It's your choice, and go ahead and cheat Target if you want, but if you cheat there might come a time when you're caught and thrown in jail or led off in handcuffs.'" Quite the parent, Jeff. Go ahead, son, sniff that line of coke, but... uh... you probably shouldn't.

> 1.3.08 - Arte Moreno
It was three years ago today that Moustache Moreno officially announced that his franchise would be known as the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Three years later, and I still want to punch him in the face.